Tit Bits and Twaddle.

Observer, Volume XV, Issue 814, 4 August 1894, Page 11

Tit Bits and Twaddle.

' Eeally their lack of acquaintance with the English language astonishes me,' Thus a. correspondent of Adelaide Quiz in reference to the Adelaide reporters. What would he think of some of our Auckland wielders of the reportorial pencil? Thames Charitable Aid Board must be.in severe straits. The other day an old. man named Joe Perkins, a pensioner 78 years of age receiving 7s. per week, was sued for maintenance of his wife, with whom he had not lived for some years. S.M. Kenny of course refused to make any order. They are very particular at Christ - church railway-station about smoking. The other day, a porter walked up to a man on the platform and said: 'You musn't smoke here, sir.' ' I am not smokin', sor.' 'But your pipe is in your mouth.' ' Well, and phawt of that ? I hey me fut in me Boot, but I'm not walkin'.' Collapse of porter. Her Goodness GraSious says the only man living who flatly contradicts her and never toadies is Mr Gladstone. The late lamented John Brown, Her Majesty declares, was equally independent and outspoken, John was a bit of a tyrant in his way and ' bossed ' his Royal mistress as she has never been bossed before or since. There are not half enough clerks' billets to go round in Wellington. 'A competent bookkeeper ' advertises in a local paper his willingness to pay £5 for ' information that will lead to employment.' There are just about 25 millions too many clerks in the world at the present time. Parents and guardians should bear this fact in mind when deciding on the future career of their sons and wards. A Palmerston cabby sued a newly wedded couple the other day for his fare for driving them to church on the eventful day. The bride had refused to pay ' because there were no ribbons on the horse, and it (sic) didn't look a bit like a wedding.' The unromantic beak ordered the amount due to be paid at once. There is no accounting for tastes. Some people would have doubled that cabman's fare for not decorating his nag. A- frugal-minded Napier woman went to register her terrier bow-wow the other morning. She was landed a collar of just the right size, but indignantly refused to take it. ' G-ive me something for my ten shillings,' she said, and picked out the largest and broadest collar she could find. When reminded that there was not enough dog to fit all that collar, she tartly replied : ' Never mind ! It will do for my husband to sharpen his razor on.' Poetic address by a victim of in" fluenza to his best girl : ' Biss Susad, I have knawd you — Kerchew ! — excuse by cold — Sub eighteed budth, ad therefore I hope I wod't seeb bold When I this warb confessiod So fradkly bake to you — Oh, Susad, darling Susad, I chew ! Kerchew ! Kerchew ! The latest addition to the weekly press of the world is The Journal for Mothers-in-law, published in Paris. The editor explains in his first issue that the new journal is to fill a long-felt want by helping to produce 'a kinder feeling towards mothers-in-law, • who are much misunderstood.' The comic paragraphist it is who is chiefly responsible for the ridicule heaped upon the mother-in-law. Let us hope the Journal will turn him from the error of his ways. Our Brisbane namesake calls Brisbane theatre-goers (dress-circle folks) to task for ' levelling opera-glasses ' at the audience, and considers they 'ought to know better.' 'Opera-glasses,' continues our stiff and prim contemporary, ' should be devoted to the use for which they are intended, and that only.' But the practice which this Brisbane censor condemns is half the fun of the fair to a very large section of play-goers. Mrs Smith, as a rule, is quite as much interested in noting what Mr 3 Brown and Mrs Jones and Mrs Robinson have got on as she is in the play, while old Baldhead sweeps the house with his glass in guest of pretty girls to admire, while waiting for the 'rag' to rise, as' regularly as he eats his dinner.

According to Rabbi Adler of England, in some of the great Jewish business houses an account is opened with the Deity, whose share of the business profits is equitably posted to the account and duly expended in the retief of the necessitous. At a sacred concert at Invercargill by the Blind Musical Students (recently in Auckland, as an unpaid account in our books reminds us), a gentleman, accompanied by three ladies, dropped a threepenny bit into the plate on behalf of the quartette. Calling to the usher, the treasurer said: .'Here, Charlie, give that man sixpence to get a drink — he needs it ! The sixpence was proffered — and promptly accepted ! Interesting thing in ads. from London's most exclusive daily papah : ' Lady of title can receive two young ladies for London season. Presentation. Trip abroad if desired, moderate terms.' Such ads. are getting quite common. The moderate terms are £60 per month, or thereabonts, and for a presentation to Her Goodness Gracious the usual fee is £100 (dress not provided). What is there money won't do ? "Well, it won't turn a snob into a gentleman or a female snob into a lady. In a recent issue of that eccentric organ the N.Z. War Cnj, one man reports having had an interview with the devil. At Westport they had a ' pudding and cake ' banquet, but the writer does not say if the Premier was present. From Sydenham it is reported that a yellow-boy got into the collection box, which is certainly a strange freak for a civilised youth. A correspondent says 'I was not born as thousands are,' and from this it is inferred that, like Topsy, he 'growed.' At Wanganui they had a critic-crushing, devil-defending time, and managed to scoop in £7 8s on Saturday and Sunday 'without any heart-breaking cadging.' . . ' -

Thames readers will be interested to learn that we have secured the services of an esteemed lady correspondent, and in future a regular weekly letter will appear from Quartzopolis. A young man down South had been ordered to contribute to the support of his wife and child. He sent a letter inclosing £1, to the local Charitable Aid Board, adding a reqnest to the Secretary: — 'Would you kindly let me know if you can, what the child is, whether a girl or a boy, for I would like to know.' One of the Southern papers contains forty verses more or less of looselyjointed rhyme in which the praises of our M.H.K.'s are sung in the following style : They take care their papers are crammed with their glory, While we hear elsewhere qnite a different story Of whiskeys and sodas, brandies and beers, Boozing at Bellamy's, falling off piers, Waking in mornings with terrible heads, Lying all day in their beautiful beds, And then, when they do work, why, what do they do ? How raise the worker, or help me or you ? They feed their own districts on Governerriment grants, Prop up their sisters, and cousins, and aunts, And all their relations with snug sinecures. And all this the working man calmly endures, Or the^ silence him softly with promise of bribes, Or go and bamboozle the poor Native tribes, And collar their acres, or from some relation '• Buy a bankrupt estate, a sheep run, or station, ■ And pack off the worker to till barren land, To try and grow corn on the rocks or in sand .

At home a man spends most of his' time wondering where the women folk have ' hid ' the thing he wants; Most people will stand-by yon to the last shilling, but it must be your shil : ling. . • _ -. At Greymouth the .other day, four fond hearts that wished to beat as two were compelled to go on beating as four. The local registrar was laid up with influenza, and the disappointed quartette had to go away ' untied.' A Chicago woman has invented a jaew employment. She wears ladies' new shoes long enough to take the stiff, tight feeling out of them. It takes about three days to produce the right degree of comfort. Her fee is half-a-crown a pair, and when business is brisk she often has half-a-dozeri pairs going at once, wearing each two hours every day. At a West End of London church a notification informs wershippers that 'Coppeiß are not received in this church. Those who cannot afford a threepenny-bit are welcome to worship free here.' As nobody, likes to admit that he or she can't muster a threepenny, the plan works like a charm. Everybody gives something, and it is never less than three pence. It is stated in a Wellington paper that the New Zealand Shipping shares are in demand. This will be news indeed to some people we know of. The half-year closed on the 30th June, and it is clear, says our contemporary, that the knowing ones expect a dividend. The shares are £8 paid up, and buyers are offering 50s, so that it will be seen that a dividend of even 3 per cent will give one of 9§ on the market value. It is to be hoped that the wish is not father to the thought with our Wellington con- | temporary.

It is easy enough, to say thai, you wish your enemy no evil, but wait until the. Government make him a J.P. or something else equally awful happens to him and see if you. can help feeling glad. "" . . Auctioneers up North manage, according to the member for Thames, to set the Southern knights of the hammer, a go. The creation of sinecure .offices by the local .body for the favoured auctioneer, with a salary equal to half the fee of £40, is the manner iv which the oracle is worked. A 'magnetic-healer is making a great sensation in "Wellington just now. He does not confine his operations to healing altogether. He does a little prophecying when business in the other line is slack. His latest prediction is that there will be a terrific earthquake in November next. But anyone might safely prophecy that in Wellington; Our quandam friend and fellowcitizen, Arthur Desmond, of political and anarchist tendencies, has written a national hymn for the workers of . Australasia, a parody on ' Greenland's Icy Mountains.' Arthur is a terror on plagi — no, "we mean, parodies. Here is a verse : — ' And all this ransomed nation, Is pawned for England's gain, And Dibbs is crowned Dictator, O'er mortgaged slaves to reign.' The Mayor of Taranaki attempted the other day to make a few remarks on tne occasion of the opening of b> Poultry Show. His Worship, who is said to possess good lungs, was no match for the noise made by some thousands of roosters, and consequently his words of wisdom have been lost to posterity. The local paper says however, that ' he came out of the ordeal cmiling.' He must be a good-natured Mayor, indeed !