Shorter Catechism for Volunteers.

Observer, Volume XIV, Issue 793, 10 March 1894, Page 23

Shorter Catechism for Volunteers.

Qttes. What is your name ? Ans. John Pipeclay. Ques. How do yoa salute ? Ana. tt'B done away with ; you hold your head, without arms, and come to the short trail, with them. Queß. What is the chief end and aim of a Volunteer? Ane. To standat ease and pay attention to the speeches of the captain or officer in command. Ques. What fs your chief duty and belief? Ans. To believe in the Minister of Defence and the faithful promises of himself and his myrmidons. To accept for gospel that our defence is sure and that the Snider is an arm mighty to save. Ques. What is your pay or reward ? Ans. I look for no reward in this life ; here we suffer grief and pain. Ques. Ought Volunteers to wear short hair, and if so why ? Ans. They do not wear short hair, and it s a rule of the service to wear love locks. Ques. What is the new military boot ? Ans. Sand shoes are usually worn and white canvas has preference for route marching. Ques. What do you do with capitation ? Ans. The Committee of -each Company riddles it on a ladder and the Captain gives us all credit for having earned it. Ques. Whose drill books do you use ? Ans. The drill books are out of date. Each Company has its own drill. Ques. Have you read Fox's Book of Martyrs ? Ane. Yes. Fox is quite a swell. He wanted to know my barber as if he wished to make his acquaintance. Ques How do you explain ' right about turn ?' Ans. You go round on your 'eelß as on a pivot, and your rear comes where your front was before. (Finis op Fibst edition). — Christchurch Truth.

Christy Murray now gives readings at the music-halls. ' Anything to earn a honest brown' as the costers sing in Bound the Town.'

Tenders are invited for necessaries for Easter Encampment to be held at Otahuhu. Wanted by Friday 9th in&t. See advt. in this issue.

Messrs Brown, Campbell and Co,, of the well-known Domain Brewery, have a business announcement in our advertising columns touching their famous ' pure beer ' which took first award at Melbourne Centennial Exhibition.

Since Mrs Knorr departed this life the Melbourne sheriff has been inundated with request for bits of -the rope used at the execution. The applicants all say that a bit of rope with which a person has been hanged ' brings luck.' Ugh !

Millionaire Tyson recently met Governor Norman. The two had a long chat. When they parted the big squatter eaid : ' What I like about you, mister, is that there's no blanky starch in you.' His Ex. bowed and passed on.

John Burns, the professional agitator, has been offered £60 a night to appear for half-an-hour on the boards of a London music-hall and make a speech on any subject be likes. And he hesitates! Auckland's William Jarge would do the talking just as well and for less money — much less money, in fact.

Thus ' Sappho Smith ' in Bulletin : — ' State-regulated marriage is the last straw at which the despariDg spinster clutches when independently-attractive youth and beauty swamp her prospects, for there isn't a shadow of doubt that a woman can find tolerably good friends in women when the time has come that man will have nothing more to do with her. Man would ' jib '_ at the bureau, because man is a hunting animal. No eligible man wants to marry a girl who isn't sportswoman enough to hook her own flathead. The notion— in a nutshell —is that a dozen representative tabbies should form a matrimonial bureau, appoint medical, legal, and business advisers and allow candidates to apply for certificates of physical, mental and financial soundness, after which a wife selected by the tabbies would be handed out and the candidate made a happy man for life. ' Mistakes would no doubt arise,' says the modest promoter, ' but the committee would be doing what is essentially women's work.' True enough. Women have been match-makers from the beginning of time, and they would like to choose every man's bride for him. But a woman'B woman is never a man's woman, and matrons have the pleasnre of seeing that nasty forward little cat going off with the oatoh of the neighbourhood while the maiden of their fancy darns stockings to no purpose.