Tit Bits Twaddle

Observer, Issue 780, 9 December 1893, Page 5

Tit Bits Twaddle

A society girl has been defined as being 'a miss with a mission to catoh a man with a mansion.' Timaru's beautiful though unlimited harbour will shortly make a fine promenade if the shingle continues to pile, up over the breakwater at the present rate. The following ad. is from the Sydney Evening News : • Wanted canvasser for popular candidate for the Burwood electorate. One penny per signature paid. By letter, etc.' A placard on .the wall of the diningroom of a Christchurch boarding-house intimates : ' Boarders will find desert in the garden.' This is an original and ttfhey way of directing attention to the consumptive peach-tree by the back- wall. It was the day after the wedding, and the 'groom' was closeted with the father of the bride. And the groom was in a bad temper. Said he : ' Didn't you tell me I should be surprised at the dowry you would give your daughter ? Why it's only £10.' To which the old man jocosely replied, ' And ain't you ?' Burglars broke into the house of a briefless Southern lawyer the other day. The man of law awoke just as they were leaving his room. He handed them a pasteboard. 'My card,' he said. 'If you are arrested you may want counsel/ Camping-out parties will soon be in full swing again. A Parnell girl being asked the other day how she enjoyed her last year's camping-out, replied : 'Oh.it was just lovely ! We had seven girls and seven men, and when we came home there were forty-nine engagements !' A big Melbourne drapery firm now compels its ' young men ' to wear ' muttonchop ' whiskers. But what is the use of doing things by halves ? Why not insist on their wearing plush uniforms and powdered hair as well ? There is probably more petty tyranny exercised in the drapery trade than in any other. The Arrowtown (Otago) women have just taken summary vengeance on a notorious wife-beater. 'Let's give the brute a taste of his own medicine,' suggested one amazonian female. The idea caught on, and the wife-beater was decoyed out of his house and soundly thrashed by the ladies assembled. Bravo ! Said a Walcha (N.S.W.) minister on a recent Sunday evening: 'I wish to point out to my congregation that I am not responsible for the error of the printer on the tickets for the concert in the schoolroom. The concert iB for tbe benefit of the Arch Fund— not the Arch Fiend. We will now sing,' etc. ' We- have enough fortitude in our composition to take a thorough good hammering without whimpering over it.' Thus Christohurch Truth apropos of the result of the election. Pity some other Opposition papers we wot of don't follow Truth's example. The whimpering has been terrible. But then the ' hammering ' was terrible too ? Thus Christchurch Truth before the election : ' There appears to be a pretty unanimous opinion at the various polling booths that whoever else may be elected Mr ♦ Social Pest ' Beeves will not be one of the fortunate candidates.' And yet ' Social Pest ' Beeves headed the poll with 5,436 votes I and the Christchurch Truth man was near the bottom: There was a terrible shindy in a Southern hotel the other night. A policeman rushed into the bar and seized a man against whom there was a prohibition i order out. Said man was having a drinlr at the counter. The man resisted, the constable insisted, the boss took a hand in the game, and while the landlady fainted and the barmaid went into hysterics, the 'prohibitionist' was arrested for' assault. And it subsequently transpired that he had been drinking sour sarsaparillal

An Auckland tailor Borrowfully assures us that it really does take nine tailors to make a man. One to make the clothes and eight to collect the account. A number of girls were employed at Napier on election-day by one of the candidates to go. around with perambulators and amuse the infantile population while ma went to record her vote. For throwing a dead sucking-pig into the harbour, John McViear (a boy) was i fined £5 and costs at Wellington. I Wonder what he'd have got if his offence had been committed in Auckland ? But we don't prosecute people for such things. The modern fashion of balloonshoulders for women's gowns is but a revival. Turn up Ezekiel xiii., 18, and you will find : — ' Thus saith the Lord God : Woe to the women who sew pillows to armholes.' : Attached to the advertisement ooncern- ! ing a patent bottle for babies in a i Canadian paper is the following : — ' When the baby has done drinking, it must be. unscrewed and laid in a cool place under a tap. If the child does not thrive on fresh milk it should be boiled.' Said a Bemuera husband to the wife of his bosom the other day : ' It's a strange thing you can't dress on the allowance I make you.' Beplied the lady with a disdainful toss of her head : 'If I had to dress on the allowance you make me I should have to remain in my bath all day.' ' What is a social ?' enquired His Honor Mr Justice Denniston at Christchurch the other morning during the hearing of a breach of promise case. Of course, he didn't know. Judges never do know. The etiquette of tbe Bench is to be densely": ignorant of the most ordinary and/everyday matters. ' What do you mean by a long beer ?' or ' what does the expression a four-wheeler mean?' His Honor will ask with an infantile look of innocence And he is so much astonished when Counsel enlightens him! — and so interested ! Christchurch is not, according to our Wellington correspondent, the only place that owns a comp. with a brilliant imagination. There is another in the Ha wke's I Bay district whose death, like that of the Auckland Star's musical critic, would 1 eclipse the gaiety of nations.' At present a youthful reporter is seeking his gore. The scribe had been doing a local cricket match and piling on the agony about the ' bowling ' of his best girl's brother. But when the comp. turned ' bowling ' into 1 blowing ' the young reporter had a heavy account to settle next day with his intended brother-in-law, and the position of best girl -to that budding litterateur is now vacant. Christchurch has just had a breach of promise case.. It was not a very exciting one, certainly, but the local papers, thankful even for small mercies, made the most of it. MiBS Florrie Winstone sued Thomas. Sainsbury for £500. Thomas explained that after a five yearB 1 courtship he waß returning from the Cape to see the girl he left behind him when ' his feelings underwent a change.' He loved his Florence no longer ! And when he got back to Christchurch he took another girl to the theatre three times and Florence didn't like it. And there were words and tears, and lawyers letters, and finally a judge and jury sat to ascertain the extent of damage done to Florrie's young affections and they assessed said damages at £50 and costs, and now Thomas will have to pay and look pleasant. A sad, sad ending to Love's young dream I A well-to-do lady resident of an Auckland suburb who likes to pose as a sort of Lady Bountiful heard of a case of very genuine distress the other day. The case was that of a poor woman struggling hard to keep the wolf from the door and with two little children to feed, her husband being away on the gumfields when, although a hard-working and industrious man be has only been able to make to send his wretched family in Auokland 8s in three months. Well, Lady Bountiful heard of this sad case and by way of lending the poor starving woman a helping hand sent her materials for the manufacture of two robes de nuit. The woman who got the work is a professional seamstress. She executed her commission faithfully. The garments were most elaborate affairs. The contract price for the making of each was Is 9d— although it ought by rights to have been at least half-a-orown. Lady Bountiful was delighted with the goods— and offered the poor creature who had made them eighteenpence each for them 1 — well knowing her wretched plight and that her children were crying for food !.

'Although a journalist, he has some respect for the troth ' is the proud tribute paid by the editor of one West Coast paper to another. A shave, with a £100 life-insurance policy thrown in, for threepence, is the latest Sydney idea. Looks as if shaving is a life and death business in Sydney. Thus the Masterton Star:— " Our local contemporary says he is not going to vote for either ' Hogg, dog, or devil.' We assume, therefore, that he will absent himself from the polling-booth altogether." ■ Wellington people were so much excited on election night that they didn't go home till morning. That is thousands of them didn't. And yet not a single 'drunk ' was discoverable. Surely Crowther will think Wellington is Utopia. A Sydney M.L.A. wants Australian medical men to be ' compelled to write their prescriptions in plain English, so that people might know what was being given to them.' We expect there would be a considerable falling off in the chemists' receipts if that were done. Says Bishop Julius:— 'The man who drinks to excess ought to be put into an asylum and never allowed out — until he can restrain himself. 9 Quite so. Alcoholic excess will oome, in time, to be regarded as just as much a form of madness as homicidal mania. When Williamson offered Henry Irving and. Ellen Terry £10,000 for 15 weeks in Australia, the distinguished pair elevated their nasal organs and asked * What are you giving us ?' In the sweet by-and-bje they will come for less money, perhaps, but that will be when they are 'played out.' 'Twas ever thus. One|of Lobenguela'slawsis that mothers' in-law may not enter their son-in-law's house, and should they meet in the street they must avert their gaze. When the pale face (with a mother-in-law) reads this he will feel that something may be learned of even the untutored savage. We have all heard of ' dying of laughter ' but the phrase is not generally understood in its literal sense. Yet a Londoner actually died the other day during. %fit of laughter brought on ' through sor&eone telling a funny story.' It would pay some of the London • comic ' papers to get hold j of a few ' funny stories ' like that. A Wellington paper waxeth enthusiastic over Mr T. E. Macdonald. It says : 'If he had the entree into one of the local pulpits, he would, in an incredibly short space of time, fill the church by means of his oratory.' An auctioneer in the pulpit would be a novelty, especially if he carried his hammer with him and used it to emphasise his ' points.' In an up-country church the other Sunday, in Victoria, the parson noticed a young farmer, seated near tne pulpit, pull out his watch during the sermon. ' Tired already ?' asked the parson stopping short in his discourse. ' Meaning me ?' replied the farmer. 'Meaning you,' said the parson. The farmer got up and walked out. The congregation greatly enjoyed this novel ' scene in a church.' Subsequently the parson apologised to the farmer. Parsons everywhere should apply the moral to themselves. Long sermons do more barm than good. The gentle confidence-trick man still I contrives to make a modest living these hard times by means of a persuasive smile and an abnormal capacity for lying. One of the fraternity struck up a guileless youth at Dunedin the other day and managing to find out that the- guileless one was going to Auckland said he was going to Auckland too, and remarked how pleasant it would be if they went in oompany. Shortly after the confidence man begged his new friend, as a particular favour, to look after a draft for £30 until they arrived in Auckland, •as he was bo careless he was afraid he might lose it.' Touched by this mark of confidence the guileless youth, said ' with pleasure.' Then the other fellow went aboard the boat to Bee a hypothetical sister and returned to say he couldn't find her, and would the guileless youth lend him a fiver to get his ticket ? The guileless one remembering that he had the £30 draft in his pocket, lent his friend £3. At Lyttelton the latter skipped without saying good-bye. And the draft ? Oh, that was a Post-Office Savings Bank deposit slip and a sham one at that. For tasteful and choice wedding, birthday, and visitixig cards, the Observer Office takes the cake. Endless variety, combined with first-rate materials, and the very best workmanship. The girls all say the Observes wedding cards ' bring luck.'