TIT BITS AND TWADDLE

Observer, Volume XI, Issue 750, 13 May 1893, Page 9

TIT BITS AND TWADDLE

A London society girl, whose leg was broken at a recent ' hop,' has commenced an action for damages against her partner, whose clumsiness she alleges caused the mishap.

Phil Armour, the tinned brawn man of Chicago, says he believes in a religion scaling 16ozs. to the pound, and doesn't care the wag of a pig's tail whether a man was baptised in the Jordan or a soup-basin.

Extract from a recent Wanganui divorce ease : 'Mr Soler (the naughty hubby) was dancing about the room to Bhow the lady-help how they danced in Spain. Witness never saw him entertain his wife by showing her how they danced in Spain.'

Those West Coast editors get off some severe thingß at each other's expense sometimes. One of them referring to a brother ' we ' the other day said he ' masqueraded in the trousers of a journalist.' Cutting ? The subject of this remark is now trying to think of something crushing by way of rejoinder.

A solicitor in a Napier bankruptcy case the other day told the bankrupt that one of her statements was ' not according to fact,' whereupon she replied that she had spoken the truth, the whole truth etc., adding impressively : ' Eemember I am in the presence of my Maker and the Official Assignee.' That did it.

The ease with which that precious trio, Goode, Thompson, and Crabtree, worked their ' long-firm ' swindle on certain confiding tradesmen of Wellington, is just now the talk of the Empire City. ' Honesty ' may be ' the best policy, 1 but really when one sees the obstacles thrown in the way of honest traders, and the ease with which rogues manage to get a start and make money, one is tempted sometimes to doubt the truth of the adage.

Some funny things happened in Sydney in connection with the ' busting ' of the banks. When the Australian Joint Stock Bank suspended payment, the doors were besieged with frantic depositors clamouring for their money. They were met by several speculators who mingled amongst them, offering 15s or 16s for the £1 notes issued by the Bank. In this way a large number of notes changed hands. In a day or two the Bank reopened its doors and its pound notes were worth their full value again. A Modbbn Wedding. Minister : . ' Wilt thou now take this fine Rexuera mansion, This carriage, these diamonds, To be the husband of thy choice, Fast locked in the bonds of Hymen ? And wilt thou leave home and friends To be his loving: wife, And help to spend his large income So long as thou hast life ?' 'I will,' the modest maid replies, The love-light shining in her eyes. Minister : ' And wiltthou take this dressedup doll, This ostentatious pride, With all these unpaid milliners' bill's, To be thy chosen bride ? And wilt thou love and cherish her \yhilst thou hast life and health, But* die as soon as possible, And leave her all your wealjbh ?' ' I will,' the fearless man replies, And eager waits the nuptial ties. When the run commenced on the Sydney Savings' Bank the other day, many of the depositors oamed the money withdrawn from the Savings' Bank, to another Bank, across the way, and deposited it there. Then the other Bank sent the money back to the Savings' Bank, as fast as it was deposited, and thus the latter was enabled to keep its doors open and a ' smash ' was averted. The opportunity was too tempting for the pickpockets to pass by. They took a lively interest in the proceedings, and relieved many of the panic-striken of the money they had just drawn out by appropriating it to themselves !

That wedding gift contract .they sell in Chicago is a novelty; Whan anyone gives the bride a present, she signs a printed agreement to return it to the donor in oase of a divorce.

'Is your brother better ?' asked a Parnell lady of a little girl whose small brother has lately been laid up with the measles. « Oh, yes,' was the reply, ' he's getting on nicely, thank you ! He got his first thrashing to-day since his illness.'

Mr J. H. Want, the well-known Sydney politician, said the other day: ' Any man who aspires to a seat in Parliament should be willing to serve his country for the honour.' And one of the opposition papers unkindly added ' arium ' to the sentence.

They have got a Debating Society at Hunterville, and the other night ' Woman Suffrage ' formed the subject of debate. Joe Ivess consented to take a hand in the game in the absence of the orator who was to have taken the negative. In every state of America, except one— Wyoming— he told them, female franchise had been withdrawn as a failare. But the gallant Huntervillians decided in favour of the ladies by a large majority.

She bounced into a Queen-street chemist's shop the other day, and addressing the assistant behind the'counter said, as she handed him a folded paper, ' would you be so kind as to tell me what is in this prescription ?' ' Certainly,' said the assistant, as he glanced at the paper : 1 Four antimacassars, six handkerchiefs, two pairs of— ' Oh, I have madea mistake ! she exclaimed, as she snatched away the paper, and rushed out of the shop; just in time to catch a Newmarket tram.

About fourteen years ago, a brawny West Coast miner was received into the Hokitika Hospital for treatment. On quitting the institution he was asked if he could, pay anything. And when he said he could not and referred the authorities to ' my uucle, the Earl of Derby,' the authorities felt rather inclined to say ' walker.' And yet that miner was Lord Stanley of Preston who has just succeeded to the title rendered vacant by the death of Earl Derby.

A Manchester man sued his best girl the other day for breach of promise. The letter in which the fair one cancelled the engagement was ' put in.' Here i 3 an extract from it : — ' Then, again, you cannot feed four people on less than £3 a week, putting it at the lowest. Then, when the rates, wages, and taxes are paid, there would be very little for dress and travelling expenses, and the odd things that al -ays crop up when we least expect them.' (The ' odd things ' are presumably olive branches.) The young lady admitted under cross-examination that she had cribbed the above from a girls' paper. Verdict for defendant.

An old West Coaster tells a good story of the early days on the Coast. On one occasion a judge who had got through early, asked the Court orderly if there was ' any society in the place? 1 ' Well, your Honour,' said the constable ' there's the Foresters, there's the Masons and the Hibernians ; but I should advise your Honour to join the Hibernians.' 'Pooh, pooh !' said the judge, ' I don't mean that. Tell me how Judge was in the habit of spending his time when here. 1 ' Oh, your Honour, him and the clerk of the Court and myself used to go down to the British and play euchre and fortyfives.'

A newly-married man who recently visited Wellington on business, consulted a ' clairvoyant ' there. He wanted to know what his wife <vas dcing. The clairvoyant told him his wife was looking out of the window at that moment, evidently expecting someone. ' Strung^,' muttered the husband, ' whom can she expect?', ' Someone enters. She caresses him fondly ' 'Itis a lie !' exclaimed ihe Ponsonby man. ' Now he lays his head on her lap and looks tenderly into her eyes!' 'It's false, 1 yelled the jealous husband, 'I'll make you pay for this!' 'Now he wags his taiJ,' went on the clairvoyant. The green-eyed monster vanished. The client, greatly relieved, paid the clairvoyant a double fee and left.

Do you want a Letter appetite ? Do you want to eat well, sleep well, and be well? Then take No. 2,8. T. Booth'B Golden Bemedy. This great tonic is for the bruin, nerves, and blood. It cares dyspepsia, neuralgia, and weakened energy. It gives tone to the whole system, and is the best tonic on this earth. At all chemists. — (Advt.)