Tit Bits and Twaddle

Observer, Volume XI, Issue 742, 18 March 1893, Page 11

Tit Bits and Twaddle

The following' is clipped from a Southern paper : — Wanted : Furnished room, fireplace and cupboad, by single man. Dogs, fowls, parrots, children, and other lodgers objpcted to. Address etc. A Yankee clergyman has a standr ing advertisement in a daily paper as follows : ' Religious doubts and difficulties answered by private letter. State your difficulty clearly, and enclose one dollar for reply.' There are no old maids in Japan. If a woman 1b not married in that country before Bhe reaches a certain age the authorities pick out a husband for her and she's got to marry him right off. Possibly this accounts for the number of male suicides in Japan ? ' Cast not your pearls before swine,' remarked a Southern barrister in the course of a supreme Court cas6 the other day. Subsequently, as he rose to make the argument, the judge facetiously remarked — ' Be careful, Mr H., not to cast your pearls before swine.' 'I am about to address the jury, not the court, your Honour,' suavely replied counsel. Earl of Meath has been airing his knowledge of New Zealand and New Zealanders in one of the great English Eeviews. The article is a valuable" contribution to the subject of which it treats. ' The working man in New Zealand,' says this blue-blooded writer, ' occupies the position of a* despotic king, and ibe only poor men in that colony are runholders, clergymen and clerks.' Is this a sarcastic reference to 'shovel-filing?' A matrimonial agent advertises 'a job lot of five widows 'with menns' (£6,500, £4,000, £3,500, £1,500 and £«00), as their only incumbrance. This ad; would only have to appear in the Salt Lake City Pioneer once. The ladies would be all ' sealed ' before the setting of- the next sun. The same agent has ' country gent' (65, girls take note) with means, well insured, short-sighted, and suffering from heart disease. Things are evidently moving in the Sydney matri-^ monial market. What (asks a Christctmrch correspondent) have Messrs Bing, Harris and Cos young men done to deserve the latest edict issued by the firm ? No employee below the rank of manager or departmental head must in future be seen in any street, lane, highway, thoroughfare, or other place of public resort without a bell-topper. Hard-hitters, pull-overs, softfelts, and all other head-coverings of a free-and-easy character are prohibited under pain of consequences painful to contemplate. And the bell-toppers must be black. No half-measures will be permitted : grey or white articles won't ' do.' There is no appeal. Employees must tremble and obey. Obey, anyhow. But they don't like it. And no wonder. A London paper just to hand tells an interesting story of how a Miss Burcb, of Ashford, Kent, was standing in the street five years ago, watching a crowd of people going to a State ' DrawingBoom,' when an old gentleman was overcome " with faintness and was seen to stagger. A number of those who were standing around thought he was drunk, but Miss Burch at once saw that he was ill, and supported him to a seat in the park. She despatched a boy for a pup of water, which quickly revived the old gentleman, who it appeared had come up from the Midlands. He was profuse in his expressions of gratitude, and asked Miss Burch for her card, which she gave him. She beard nothing more of the matter until a little while ago, when she was waited upon by a London solicitor, who communicated to her .the news that the old gentleman had recently died, and that, having no near relatives, he had bequeathed her £150,000. Hunting for wealthy-looking old gentlemen in need of water is now becoming fashionable in London with ladieß of Bmall means and large leisure.

The public, says a Sydney paper, has now evidently begun to ' size-up' the self-advertising Miss KateMa'rsden, theexMaoriland hospital nurse, who is posing as ' the friend of the Siberian Lepers.' Wife : 'It's raining and Mrs Goodsoul wants to go home. I have no umbrella to lend herexcept my 'new twoguinea one. Will you lend her yours? 1 Good gracious ! The only one I have hasher husband's name on the handle.' Old Lady, to Chemist : ' I want a box of canine pills.' Chemist: 'What's the matter with the dog ?' Old Lady, indignantly : ' I want you to understand, . sir, that my husband is a gentleman I' In profound silence the chemist puts up some quinine pills Making the best of it. — Mr Green (who haß been listening to Mrs Brown's account of a trip round the coast): 'And how did you like it, Mrs Brown ?' Mrs Brown: 'Well I didn't see much of the scenery, but the cabin was very comfortable, and the stewardess a most sympathetic woman.' Observer Missing Word Competition No 2, now open. Promises to be j a much greater success than No 1, although we were well satisfied with the result of No las a start off. Turn up the new paragraph on page 2 and see if you can think of a likely word. A man was arrested in Carlton Gardens, Melbourne the other day for ' insulting behavior.' His offence consisted in remarking to a constable (in referenoe to that officer) : ' There's a fine-looking man ! Look at the dexterity in his eye I Active and "intelligent? Why look at his feet I 1 He was fined 5s and was lucky to get off at that. The majesty of the law in the person of a constable is not to be insulted with impunity. A Pahiatua man writes : 'In the " Lady's Letter from Melbourne," in Christchurch Weekly Press, 1 read that " shirts are to be from five to nine yards round the bottom, with three rows of fur as trimming." Really this is alarming 1 As well be out of the world as out of the fashion, so I suppose I shall have to adopt it when it comes in. But I see serious difficulties in the way. Pants will have to be of a most extraordinary cut to make room for twenty-seven yards of fur trimming. The pantaloons of a circus clown will be nothing to them for width. And I have, if I may be allowed to say so, a figure which, though plump, is graceful. But with these nine yards of treble fur, and numerous other effects wrapped round me, I shall become a veiitable Falstaff. I shudder to think of it. It will be quite a constitutional to walk round me.' An English paper offered a 'prize the other day for some original nonsense rhymes. The following are a few of the best : — There was an old woman of Harrow Who would go to church in a barrow ; When it stuck in the aisle She remarked with a smile, • They will make theee places so narrow !' There was a young man of Madras Who frequently rode on an ass ; When they asked ' Does it bray ?' He replied, • Not by day, It's a perfectly well-behaved ass.' There was a queer king of Uganda Who cackled behind his verandah, When his queen cried ' You goose ;' He replied 'The rhyme'B loose, But my sex bids^you style me " Yon gander." ' There was a young lady whose hat Was exceedingly broad -brimmed and fiat ; When she walked with her « feller ' They took no umbrella, But were sheltered from rain by that hat. There was onoe an old fellow of Hawarden, For cows he cared not a brass farden, Till one for a lark Knocked him down in the park, An act whioh no Lib'ral can pardpn. There was a young maid of Bombay Lost a pin in a bundle of hay ; She searched' for it well, Then sat down — gave a yell — For she found the lost pin with dismay. The craving for liquor is a disease which is ndt confined to ignorant men only, nor bad men, nor weak men ; but men of good understanding, of rare gifts, of the loftiest aspirations, and of will sufficient for any purpose but ttte one— they cannot break the drink habit. There are men who have been trying for thirty years to abstain, and still they drink. One or two bottles of B. T. Booth's Golden Kennedy No 1 will cure the. worst case in the colony. — (Advt.)