THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XI, Issue 707, 16 July 1892, Page 1

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

A Quill for Everyone.

The English dearly love what they are pleased to call ' society ; ' it is so English, you know. True, the fabric in some of its grades may be fearfully and wonderfully constructed, but what of that? Is it not English that there should be an aristocracy of the upper orders, and why not an aristocracy of the lower orders, too ? And so there is. Even in the colonies, the grades of society are like the successive layers of pasteboard in a pack of cards, each one distinct from the other, with very little difference between the lot. But the more slight the distinction, the more jealous is each grade concerning the' line of demarcation between itself and the layer beneath. What better illastration of this can there be than the ' society ' of our up-country districts, some of them with scarcely sixty or eighty inhabitants. There, one can find all the distinct grades. The school teacher and postmaster associate together and form the upper crust, and thence the heart burnings. The grocer struggles, but struggles in vain, to get into their set, and refuses to be comforted with the society of the baker, whose wife and daughters turn up their noses in holy horror at the sight of that common Mrs Anvil, the blacksmith's better-half. Thep, again, she in turn would as soon be pilloried in the market-place as call | upon that odious creature the butcher's wife. This is society in the colonies ; there you have it in a nutshell. * » * And, talking of society, how very presuming these lower orders are ! Imagine, if you can, the audacity of an assistant in an Auckland drapery establishment who dared to ask for admission to the holy of holies of Ponsonby society — the sacred circle of the Ponsonhy 'At Home.' Preposterous ! It was the very incarnation of audacity. If there is one thiDg more than another that the plebeian suburb of Ponsonby is proud of, it is its ' society.' It may not be suah genteel society as that of Parnell, or so preteniious as that of Eemuera, but it possesses as many bankrupts as either; and that is a very important thing in colonial society. Perhaps its self-made men may not be so wellmade as the self-made men of the other suburbs, but then they are fairly wellmade, and are at least a cut better than God makes them. Indeed, the Almighty could have got a wrinkle in the creation of perfect mankind if He had been in a position to take the leaders of Ponsonby society into His confidence in the beginning.

But to return to this audacious shop assistant and his Quixotic application. Ponsonby society shuddered as it drew baok its skirts from the line which this self-confessed tradesman sought to invade. The Ladies and Gentlemen of the Committee, with scorn upon their patrician countenances, indignantly ' discussed the plebeian overture. It was mentioned that the shop assistant was a young man of gentlemanly demeanour and polished manners, but what of that ? It was urged that he was of irreproachable character, but that was not a very important consideration. He might be a veritable Admirable Crichton, but all his virtues and good qualities were as nothing compared with the fact that he was a tradesman. One Gentleman deprecatingly suggested — ' We are all tradespeople ; ' but his deliverance was uttered in the same self-righteous ' tone that the fashionable clergyman assumes when he unctuously declares — ' We are all sinners,' though he feels in his own heart that if there is one of the elect on earth he is that man. No one seemed to agree with the Gentleman, the Ladies sniffed disdainfully and the point was not pressed. The aspirations of the plebeian shop assistant were crushed with an emphatic 'no!' and the fiat, hitherto unwritten but operative, ' no tradespeople shall enter here,' was published to the world of Ponsonby. * * # By this firm and genteel decision, the Ponsonby ' At Home ' and its select circle have raised themselves high in the estimation of the genus cad, which constit- ' utes such a large element of Colonial society. They have qualified themselves for the highest honours in the ancient order of snobs, who also form an essential part of the aristocracy of the Colonies, and the race of ' snobs ' will rejoice ex-c-edingly. . You see, these ' demmed ' tradespeople are so pushing, and it was necessary that they should get an unmerciful snub. It will teach them an exemplary lesson, and snow them the folly of ' high life below stairs ' being too aspiring. Then, rejoice and be merry, ye snobs and cads of Snobdale and Cadville, both male and female. Ye would-be duchesses and Lady Angelinas of Ponsonby, give your disdainful noses another tilt skywards, and sniff unanimously once more. You have asserted the supremacy of vulgar pretension above honest labour, and you may well assume the scornful air of injured princesses. ■ # * # But the world will ask, by whom is this snub administered ? Your pretentions are great, ye self- constituted blue- bloods of Ponsonby, but upon what are they based ? Do you rely upon your noblebirth and aristocratic connections ? or are these genteel advantages mere creatures of your fervid imaginations. Has education conferred upon you the true nobility of learning, or is your knowledge confined to an indifferent smattering of the three fundamental E's ? How many of you claim association with the learned professions, and 4 how many of those that do owe the foundation of their fortunes, like Gilbert's famous ' Ruler of the Queen's Navee,' to their skill and care in ' polishing up the handle of the big front door.' lam afraid the impressive phrase nonveau riche would not embrace so many of you as the term 'genteel poor.' but, well/ what of that ? How . many of you disdainful ladies have in your time served an ex-

acting public behind shop-counters or plied the nimble serabbing-brush for a consideration ? Don't blush ; there is nothing in honest labour to be ashamed of. And you, too, sturdy mechanics, you have no reason to feel ashamed of your • 'orney 'ands ' because, your wife is putting on- a little 'jam,' and tells her friends your father was the greatest manufacturer in England, when you know yourself that he was a labourer .to the end of" his days. And you, hone3t tradesmen, 'and tradesmen's wiveg, and tradesmen's daughters of lofty aspirations, why should you, disguised in your regulation evening dress, be so anxious to repudiate the source from whence you draw your bread and butter. The pnople you associate with are no better and no worse than yourselves, and it ia folly to assume airs that do not sit well upon you, and that are at variance with your eminently respectable but by no means noble history. # # # To speak plainly, the Ponsonby 'At Home ' people have made themselves ridiculous by their action. The dance was their own, aDd it was their privilege to admit or refuse whom they pleased, without giving any reason. But, as in this case, to assign as their reason the fact that the applicant was employed in a shop was not only snobbish but absurd, for there are very few of the members of that society who are riot tradespeople themselves. The society standard maintained by the Ponsonby ' At Home ' is notoriously not a high one, even for a colonial town, and yet this is not the first time by many that the Committee have done an equally indefensible thing. Not many seasons ago, three very estimahle ladies and their mother were ' blackballed ' for no better reason than that they monopolised the best gentlemen partners, and by their beauty and grace placed the other maidens of the ball-room at a disadvantage. The vindictiveness that prompted that action was merciless, and an undeserved slight was placed upon three girls of irreproachable character, with whom their female slanderers were not to be compared in any one of the qualities that constitute a true lady. One word in conclusion. The distinction between the aristocracy of Ponsonby and the aristocracy Qf labour is very line ; so fins, indeed, that the one unconsciously merges itself in the other. Has it not been written by one of our sages that it takes three generations to complete the evolution of a gentleman. Then why be so anxious to do in a wholesale way in less than one generation that ■which cau only be accomplished in three ? But, perhaps, the grades of ' society ' represent the stages of evolution, and once you are over the horder yourselves draw the. line tightly so that you may not be confounded with the class from whence you so recently graduated.' By all means be exclusive, "and talk exclusiveness ; if you are a tradesman yourself, forget it ; and depend upon it, your wife and daughters have forgotten it long ago. # * * Some one has resumed the growl that was first heard some years ago about the hardship upon the members o£ the Permanent Force in being compelled to wear uniforms at all times— weekdays and Sundays alike — whether on duty or, ofi. The story of the way in which this change was brought about is worth hearing : - Formerly the ' soldiers ' were allowed to appear in

mufti when they were not actually engaged on public service. It happened that the officer at the head of our" War Department was an enthusiast in billiards, and spent much of his time around the green table. "Wandering into a Wellington hotel one evening, he came across a young man who played an unusually good game, and recognising him as a foeman worthy of his cue, challenged him to combat. The pair were particularly well matched, and the Under- Secretary was led on from one game to another. Neither contestant won any great advantage, and a large crowd was attracted to witness the keen competitions. At last the high official laid down his CUe, and avowed himself beaten for that night. Being interested in his opponent he politely expressed the hope that they would often meet again, and asked that they should exchange cards. 'Oh !' chimed in the billiard marker, ' don't you know this gentleman ? He's Privaie X.T.Z. of the Permanent Militia.' Tableau — Crushed air of the Under- Secretary, lowered in dignity, by having played with one of his own underlings — a common private, forsooth. Within a few days thereafter, the departmental order was issued, which has since caused so much annoyance to the militiamen. Ig would never have done for the chief to run further risk of foregathering with one of the rank and file! *# ' «

Amorous Swain— l swear, \ngelina, you are the only girl I love ; lam sincerity itself. Angelina (who has been twice jilted, with no documents that would convince a Court) — That isn't enough, Simon ; reduce- your proposal to writing, and then I'll know what I'm doing. There's no telling what may happen, you know.

Guasd— Tickets? Pious Looking Party — My friend, have you a ticket for salvation ? Guabd— Come, come, old gent, that wont do. We don't work the 'ticket I exobange ' racket on this line.