A LAY OF ST. DALTON,

Observer, Volume XI, Issue 707, 16 July 1892, Page 4

A LAY OF ST. DALTON,

' Why .this candle dimly burning ?' Asked a new chum of a child. "Why this crowd so madly staring? Why these looks so fiferco and wild ?' ' Are you now a vigil keeping For some hero in the strife ; One who nobly fought and conquered In the battle field of life ? Or, perchance, a son of Erin Far away from the " ould sod," Prayed a light should be kept burning Till his spirit reached his God ?, Or, mayhap, some wandering seaman Ploughing o'er the stormy main, Wished his friends to keep a beacon Bright till he reached home again ?' ' Eats !' the sweet youth sharply answered, ' To' the divil wid yer cant, 'Tis a guessing competition And the prize for which is pants !' People do make some stupid blunders. An actress died, and her friends called an undertaker to make arrangements for the funeral. ' Well,' said the undertaker, 'if the deceased was a single woman I should trim the coffin in ' white ; if a married woman, in heliotrope.' The friends said they would think the matter over, aDd send him word as to their decision. In the afternoon the undertaker received this note ; — ' Trim the - coffin in white, with a dash here and there of heliotrope.' • ■ •

Teacher : . Now, children, what well-known product is raised in Ireland ? Bright Boy : Policemen and unemployed. Her tongue was ever going yet ; She talked in joy, she talked in pain : And when she died, her last regret •Was that she ne'er could talk again. •A large pearl of great beauty was recently discovered by a Maori in a pipi, which he picked up in the "vicinity of Wellington. Pretty Girl (angrily) — ' Why did you start the car the moment I stepped on the platform? I was very near falling.' Conductor (admiringly) — • You were <in no danger. I had my arms all ready to catch you.'. Poor silly old Herald I When it wrote ' Home Rule is dead!' it sought to emphasize its statement by publishing facetious in w&inoriam cards. Ridiculous old Herald-l Why didn't you wait for the result of the elections ? Wellington is popularly supposed to possess a tnonoply of the worst weather fof the colony, but the Btorms of wind and rain that have been experienced in Auckland during the last week or two have been enough to make the least patriotic Wellingtonian absolutely green with envy. ' General servants situations seek, Wages, about a pound a week, In families, quiet, Christian, small, With little work, or none at all. No knives, or boots, or any stairs, No washing, cleaning clothes or wares. Kitchens must be on the ground, Six meals a day, and all things found. Certain towns preferred, no doubt, Every other day and Sunday out.' A peculiar method has been adopted by an elderly Maori in a settlement near Wellington for keeping the natives awake when in chapel. During the service, he gravely walks up and down the aisle of the Maori place of worship and prods every man, woman and child who evinces a disposition to drop into a dose. - Minister (after a vacation) — ' How was the singing while I was away ?' Worshipper— ♦ Oh, the choir did wonderfully. The music was divine. At times the whole sanctuary seemed bathed in celestial harmonies, which lifted up our souls until we seemed to see the flood of light about the golden gates and hear the heavenly orchestras attuned to the music of the spheres.' Minister (aghast) — Horrors ! they must have been using opera music'

Arthur (to darling of the family) : Jessie, do you think you could give away your dear sister to me ? Jessie (confidentially): No, I couldn't; when I caught her kissing Coußin Charlie, she made me promise not to give her away to you. The British Army authorities have under consideration a newly-invented musket which fires a bullet containing a liquid mineral substance (like vitriol), consisting of sulphur and extract of metals, whioh explodes a spray of poisonous liquid wherever it hits, and will not kill outright, * but will torture the soldier or savage that ever becomes its target. This weapon should be of great service in civilizing Africa and bringing the niggersjito the true faith. A poor woman stated a peculiar case to us the other day. She borrowed £70 on her house through the late Mr J. M. Alexander, and subsequently paid off £20, for which she had his clear receipt. After that, her receipts show payments of interest on the balance of £50. She took legal advice, and. was told that the payment to. Alexander, though he was the only man she had seen in the matter, was not a legal payment off the principal, and that she was still liable. We are -satisfied she was wrongly advised, and *that by law as well as equity she only owes the £50.

The modern man acknowledges This paradox bo grim, , When he can't ' raise the wind ' it is. An awful blow to him. Heard at the Citizen's ball to the Governor in Wellington;— She — I wonder why leap year has an extra day in it. H& - Oh, I suppose it is to give the girls that much more chance. A lady at the Polo Club ball -was hurt by leaving a train while in motion. She left it under the feet of a gentleman from Epsom who was trying to dance in the same set. Talking of getting on in the world, the bald-headed man will always be found at the front if he has a fair show. It was so when Carl Hertz and his pretty girls were at the Opera House, the other week. A fair damsel whose face has for some years been familiar at local socials and dances, and who occasionally gave a party of her own, is at present rusticating out Waikomiti way for delicate reasons. A. gentleman whose name is not -without its political significance is said to be responsible for the ' little affair.' They rode together, nicely paired, And bolder grown, at last he dared To place his arm around her waist. Angry, she cried, ' Your arm's misplaced ! I can support myself.' ' You can ?' *' Said he with joy. ' Then I'm your man. For years I've sought for such' as you, Pray name the wedding-day, dear, do.' 'She is a perfect Amazon.' ' Why do you say that ? She is not at all like at the Amazons of old.' 'Oh\ no : I mean "like the river. She has a large mouth and babbles on forever.' Old Nick O'Teene (to his young wife) —My first wife was always cold and distant. I like the sweet, confiding way you nestle up to me. Young Wife — Oh, I don't miud it ; I used to work in Ellison's tobacco factory. A leading tailor, in Wellington, says that the number of dress suits which he has made since the arrival of the new Governor is astonishing. In fact, he states that he has manufactured more during the past six weeks than he has turned out in one single year since he has been in business in the Empire City. And all the • old clo' shops ' are cleared out, too.