Tit Bits and Twaddle

Observer, Volume XI, Issue 706, 9 July 1892, Page 4

Tit Bits and Twaddle

The Onehunga Ironworks 00. are applying for a bonus for the manufacture of iron. When are they going to manufacture it ? A certain wealthy New Zealand lady, now living in London, will not allow even Whangarei apples on her table. They are vulgar, you know, and so colonial. And she is so very English. The Presbytery of Sydney means not to vi«it Government House until the Presbyterian Cburch is given precedence next to the Church of England instead of next to tbe Church of Rome. And there is nothing in life half so stubborn as a good old Scotch or North of Ireland Presbyterian. Mr David Munro, bt Melbourne, who until recently commanded wealth amounting to hundreds of thousands of pounds, but wbo was ruined by a landboom, was the other day ordered to pay £3 per month on a judgment summons for £30. This has been the experience of some people in Auckland, too. Olub sensations have been the order of the day-- or night— in Auckland lately, and the Working. Men's Club, not .to be out of the fashion, created a sensation of its own by shedding its parapet over the footpath. There must have been some rare roystering going on inside at the time. A Gisborne parson who had lost his horse a recent Saturday night selected for his sermon on Sunday morning a text from Job, wherein the words occurred, •Oh, that I knew where I might find him 1 ' This being repeated several times, a boy, who supposed the nag was the burden of tbe preacher's lamentation, cried out, ' I know where he is. He's in the pound at Whataupoko.' The loss of the schooner Louie falls upon Mr A. 0. Carter. He had not a penny of insurance on her. In some respects, the Louie has been an unlucky boat. She was returning from a trip to New Caledonia soon af tf-r she was launched, when her master, Pillenger. formerly a boatman in Auckland, went to the side to get a bucket of water. The vessel was travelling at a good rate of speed, and the rush of water into the bucket dragged him over-board, an^ he was lost.

The Maoris at Motukaraka are scared lest John Lundon, whom they suspect of being a bad man, should remove their school-teacher, and are petitioning Parliament about it. This is very rough on John Lundon. He bas been taken for better or worse and a good many other things in his time, but this is probably the first occasion on which he has ever been taken for the bad man. Wonder if the school-teacher ie a ' she l' The publicans in Gisborne, like the sinners, are again in trouble. The fiat has gone forth that there is to be no more Yankee grab, either for ' dry or wet ones,' in the pubs of Gisborne. This has been brought about by certain revelations that have occurred in connection with a stabbing case partially heard in the Police Court. But the fiat is one thing and the fact is another. A. Gisborne pub without Yankee grab would be as difficult to find as a church without a collection.

It is said that Onehunga will soon have another favcur conferred upon her. There is to be another Justice— in the person of a judge Jeff-ry ! How will that do for Sawdust ? Defendant ih a recent bigamy case pleaded having contracted ths second marriage during a fit of mental weakness. This may be a novel defence, but it's Dothing new in weddings. The giddy Star, reporting a vagrancy case, says : ' Constable Brother - ton deposed to arresting the prisoner while lying drunk in a doorway.' Most men are incapable when they are drunk, but it would appear from this that Bretherton is an exception to the rule. Time was wben every advertisement for a slavey ended with the significant words— 'No Irish need apply.' Tbe Victoria Rifles evidently work on the same polioy of hostility to things Irish, and Boyal Irish at that. Tbeir refusal to accept the remaining members of a recently disbanded volunteer corps was very rough on the Irish.

A newly-fledged limb of the law in Wellington unintentionally raised a laugh in the Bankruptcy Court the otber day by stating that his client has, until lately, been a tenant of the Karori Cemetery. What the legal luminary meant to convey was tbat the person whom he represented has been for some time in occupation of a piece of land at Karori, which had been recently acquired by the City Council for the purposes of a cemetery. ' G-ood morning, sir,' remarked a seedy, looking life insurance canvasser, aB he entered the office of a well-known Wellington gentleman the other day. ' Good morning,' replied the latter, ' Aren't you the fellow I chucked down stairs the day before yesterday ?' ' Good gracious,' responded the life insurance canvasser, ' how the time does fly ; why it seems only like yesterday ; as I was then observing, sir, the advantages of our office are such that— at this juncture he left, just in time to dodge the office ink bottle, which approached him at the rate of a hundred miles an hour. You can get at some of these fellows through their hides. It was at the funeral of the late Sir Harry Atkinson. He was a pressman well known for his sagacity and other desirable qualifications. He knew a great deal about naval as well as other matters, and felt quite confident on seeing the profusely got-up naval officers present that they were great guns in the service of Her Majesty. To make sure, he made enquiries as to what position they actually held on the man-of-war in j the harbour or other branch of the service. There was danger of another funeral on the press-man being told that the gorgeously dressed individuals represented the Petone Navals. ' I can assure you,' said he, ' I was never more sold in my Ufa.' There was great excitement outside the Baptist Tabernacle the other evening. Just at dusk, three or four of the pillars of the waterworks fraternity were wending their weary way homewards, completely fagged out by their arduous daily toil, when their attention was directed to a wandering magpie that was tapping at the church door — looking for Tommy perhaps. With a wild rush these municipal heroes cleared the fence and made a bee line for the unhappy bird, in a style that reminded one of the way they fiy to a water burst. They had a high old time dodging it round the columns, yelling at the top of their voices : ' There he is !' ' Brown's got him ! ' 'No Smith has him !' ' Hold him Jones J' But- the other fellow got him after all and bore him home to the bosom of his family. The blacksmith in Eden Terrace has had no sleep since the advent bf the magpie, and may be seen nightly on the Luke out, gazing pensively into the next yard, convulsively clutching his sledge hammer.

Ered. Baxter says he was halfinolined to give votes to women till he made a survey of the front row of ladies on the stage at the Opera House on Monday night. That settled him. It was a trifle unkind of Bishop Cowie to fly from the female franchise meeting as soon as he had finished his speech. It looked too significant ; too much as if he were ** full up ' of it. Alexander M'Kicken kissed a strange young lady in Melbourne the other day, and she gave him in charge. He said that when he sobered up he was sorry for it, and then the girl tightened her lips and insisted on the extreme penalty of tbe law. The proverbial bull in the china shop was not a circumstance to the wanderings of a cow, wbich chose for its destination the^chemist's shop of Mr Topp, of Addington. '«' After rushing about and knocking over sundry bottles, etc., the intruder was at length got rid of. Toko Arakino, a Maori charged at Auckland with breaking up a school, pleaded that he had ' no brains in his head and couldn't work for a living.' The Bulletin knows several with Toko's trouble, but they wear bigger collars and are not|quite so candid. The Melbourne unemployed marched in procession at the funeral of the wife of one of their number one day last week. 'There was a strong detachment of police present, but everything passed off quietly.' Even the poor woman passed off quietly. The 'strong detachment • would soon have been on hand to arrest her had she made any demonstration about it. It ""is a comfort, says the Bulletin, to know that the brutal mob did not steal the coffin and eat the hearsehorses.

Prom the Star :— ' Charles Samways was charged with being drunk and disorderly in Queen-street on Saturday night. He was further charged with having torn the constable's uniform, wiio arrested him and used obscene language towards the same.' That uniform must be a wonder. Eancy it arresting a prisoner and using obscene language towards him. There is something in the force of example after all. Fortunately, the name of the constable who set such an example to his imitative uniform has been suppressed. A recent visitor to Auckland, who ',had . travelled round the world, and visited every town and city of any importance, thus summed up respecting our city: — 'It is in my opinion one of the finest cities south of the line, with an hospitable people and a magnificent harbour, but its streets are the dirtiest and the worst lighted of any I have ever seen. Tbat the local authorities Bhould depend on shopkeepers and hotel proprietors— who have to pay heavy rates— for the lighting of the streets, is a standing disgrace that would not be tolerated elsewhere. The footpaths in Queenstreet on Sunday evenings are as dark as a funeral pall, and are not a safe resort for respectable pedestrians. Edward Burke, an aged veteran, was recently expelled from the Costley Home, and he has in his possession a letter Irom the manager stating that his (Burkes) conduct was most exemplary while in the Home, and the manager recommends him for light employment outside. Burke has not as yet obtained a gaol certificate of merit Michael Ryan, of window-breaking fame, who holds several certificates for service in H. M. Castle, Restonville, is housed (rent free) by the C.A.8., firewood and rations regularly supplied, and his bootmaker's bill paid for him. The former is a feeble, old .man of about 8£ stone weight, the latter is a powerfully- built man weighing something like 15 stone. Why this difference of treatment ? Are the C.A.B. afraid of the one man, while they can safely sit 1 on the other poor wretch?