Page 9 Advertisements Column 1

Observer, Volume X, Issue 622, 29 November 1890, Page 9

[advt.] To Candidates for Election. Candidates for the various constituencies at the forthcoming Election can reoeive a thoroughly systematic COACHING in the aff^lio of the Colony— both financial, commercial, geographical and statistical —by obtaining private tuition from MR PETER PHILTREPOT, Temperance Lane (near the Reservoir), Ponsonby. At this crisis in Colonial matters Mr Philtrepot has kindly consented to undertake the education of a select few among the more advanced candidates. Of Mr Philtrepot's qualifications it is unnecessary to speak. They are too well and widely known to require ' puffing,' and the mere fact of his agreeing to educate the future politician is sufficiest to procure for him an overwhelming number of applications, all of which he cannot attend to. Candidates will be carefv^.y instructed in the following essentials : — Curriculum No. 1. (1.) How to get a .£5 subsidy for your own doorstep. (2.) How to procure a £ for £ subsidy for their very own Road Board, and to have this subsidy spent on the roads in the immediate vicinity of their very own properties. ■ (3.) How to gain an election. (This is a great speciality, but no guarantee is given unless beer be supplied ad libitum ) (4.) How to talk to an admiring mob, and how to soothe an angry one. (5.) How to answer difficult quest'ons. (These studies form the first part of Mr P.'s course of education, and 710 extra charges over the ordinary fees are made for any of the above subjects, even though the pupils may be quite mentally incapable of understanding them. The omy exception to this rule is No. 5, for which the pupils are selected, and for which the charge is 5s additional per lesson. For Curriculum No. 2 the following subjects, more advanced and therefore more applicable to the larger centres, are selected : — (1.) How to say, without stuttering, ' Give the land to the people ' and ' Go l bless the Prince of Wales,' all in one breath. (Mr P. does not guarantee proficiency in this art without repeated jjraotice, after the stylo of Demosthenes with the mouth full of dirt— dirt being the modern fashionable substitute for the classic pebble.) (2.) How to conceiil unpleasant facts by the improper use of figures. (This is a very useful accomplishment, much affected by all the most fashionable politicians. No candidate who aspires to anything higher than a Road Board delegate should neglect this important acquirement. Mr P. guarantees to teach this specialty in five lessons to any suitable pupil who will take to it congenially.) (3.) The Land Question in one act. (4.) The abolition of taxation by means of the celebrated weapons cast by Dr. Adam Smith, aud known as the tour canons for taxation. (5.) How to mismanage the Eailways : A study of the rive-percent, commissioners. N.B. — It is needless to remind candidates that this study, though extremely important, will be without &Vaile. (6.) How to Retrench without hurting anyone's feeiing3 or reducing anyone's salary. N.B. — This is a great specialty, and the charge will be 10s additional for each lesson of one hour. Teems. For private tuition, £3 3s per lesson of one hour, at Mr P.'s residence, Temperance Lane. Candidates are not expected to take more than one lesson per week ; otherwise, Mr P. will require the pupil to secure the attendance of a duly-qualified medical practitioner to prevent or obviate any symptoms of brain fever. If, as is fondly anticipated, Mr P. is enabled to form a class of some magnitude, he hopes to be able slightly to reduce his terms, and by taking a quantity to be able to quote tbd ordinary wholesale rates- I