OBSERVER FIRST READER.

Observer, Volume 9, Issue 533, 9 March 1889, Page 10

OBSERVER FIRST READER.

Lesson I. Why does the young man bury his face iv his had when he enters his pew ? — He is supposed to bo praying. And isn't he ? — Not much. "What is he thinking of as he settles himself iv his seat and turns over the leaves of his prayer-book ? — He is thinking that it would be a splendid day for a sail down the harbour. Why does he come to church, then ? — Because he is a Crawler, my son, and is working his way into the good opinion of his boss by his regular attendance at worship. But doss his boss know he is a churchgoer? — Why, certainly. His boss is sitting just behind him. Will this young man's pious habits help him much ?•— I should smile ! After a little while he will become a Sunday-school teacher, and perhaps a lay reader, and then his boss will raise his screw, and the young man will get asked out to the houses of good people, and very likely ho will make a good match and marry money. Churchgoing has been the tirst step up the ladder of success for many a young man in this city, my son, and don't you forget it. Lesson 11. What place is this ? — This is an auction-room. What lot is it that the two ladies who are bidding against each other are so anxious to get ? — It is a tea-kettle with a damaged spout, and a frying-pan with a hole in the bottom. But these things cannot be of much value ? — They cost, when new, about 3s Od for the kettle and about eighteen-pence for the pan. And what was the last bid for tiie lot ?— Seven shillings. Why do the ladies bid so high, then ?— Because they have both determined that the other shall not have the things, and they are bidding one against the other oub of pure spite. .1 suppose the auctioneer doesn't mind much ? — Not rnuuh. He enjoys the joke. Lusson 111. Who is the woman with the hand-bag and the hard mouth ?— She is a beggar. I didn't know beggars dressed in black silk and wore -10- button kid gloves'? — Ah, you have many things to learn yet, although I grunt you, lliis is no common beggar. She is a lady of indtpenuent meaas, and begs for amusement. i^or herself ? — Oh, dear, no. She begs sometimes f-t donations towards a basiaar, at other times for subscriptions towards a testimonial for somebody who is leaving the city — a sky pilot or other good men. Or else she worries around collecting money for a new-stained glass window or something, She is always on the beg, and her friends dread sha sight of her. She is known at all the shops and offices, and is as thick-skinned as a rhinoceros. She won't lake 'no ' for an answer, and if you have only a shilling left out of your last week's sarew, she will have half of it. She swoops down on the tradespsople, and sweeps cakes, and loaves of bread, and pounds of tea, and chops, and joints, and cabbages, and fruit [ iuto her great black bag, and goes away smiling. I Bat she is a good woman ?— Possibly, bus begging with her is simply a pastime. She is a female bore of the first magnitude. Lesson IV. Why does the woman hold her purse in her hand whenever she goes out? — I don't know. Nobody knows. The ways of women are inscrutable, and pass oil understanding. Possibly the woman carries her purse in her hand so that people may see ahe has not a purse ; or, perhaps, she carrier it in this way in order to give some deserving tramp or deadbeat a chance to knock it out of her hand ana annex it. Anyhow, lots of ladias' purses are stolen m this very way. Lesson V. Why does the man smile as he steps aboard the steamer :' — He is going home to London, and is just as happy as a child with a new toy at getj ting away from the country. ! Has he been unfortunate here, then? — Not more so thau he would have been anywhere else. He is a remittance man, and has never done a stroke of work sines he came to the colony. I suppose he will tell his people all about his adventures when he gets home?— You bet he will. He will spin yarns that would make Munchausen blush, if that celebrated liar could hear them. This man will run down the colony, and abuse it until he is tired. Why should he do this ? — Did you ever know a remittance man who spoke well of the colony on his return home ? I never did. — No, and neither did anybody else. Lesson VI. Who is the man with the high-complexioned nose ? He is not a teetotaller, is he ?— Not exactly. He looks on the wine when it is red and the long beer when it is yellow, also on the square gin when it is white. Does he do much shouting ? — Not much.^ He is like the man Josh Billings tells of. What did he do ? — He was always ready to drink with you, but when you were ready to drink with him lie wiimi't dry. Ask him to ' have something ' just after breakfast, and he will say: • It's rather ear'.y, isn't it ?— oh, well never mind, just 'once in a way.' Ask him to have a snifter about lunch time, and he will say he never drinks during the day, but that since you are so pressing, etc., etc. Ask him to imbibe when the shades of night are falling fast and he will look hurt for a moment and say : ' Too late isn't it? —oh, well if I must, I must.' But does he never shout in return? — No, my son, he is not built that way. He has never shouted (except for himself) within the memory of the oldest inhabitant. Everybody in Auckland knows him. m '_ C.A.W.

—Mr Nairn, storekeeper, North Shore, near Flagstaff Hotel, has been appointed an agent i'or the sale of tho Observer. DEA.F. — A Person cured of Bjiafness and noise in the head of 23 years' stanaimj by a Simple Remedy, will send a decription of it free to any Person who applies to Nicholson, 65 Williamstreet, Melbourne.