OBSERVER FIRST READER.

Observer, Volume 9, Issue 529, 9 February 1889, Page 11

OBSERVER FIRST READER.

Lesson I. Who is the man addressing the people on the wharf ?— He is engaged in a hopeless task. What is the task he is engaged in ?— Bunning j his head against a stone wall. i He must have a very thick head ?•— He has. j He wants people to swear off from taking anything stronger to drink than lemonade. He wants all the world to think as he thinks. And will he succeed ?— No, my son, but he might do good work if he liked. What is that ?— He might go in for improving the quality of the liquor retailed in the hotels, and so do a vast amount of good. And what is the stone wall he is running his 'head against ?— The wall of Public Opinion, my son. What is that box on which he is standing ? — Well, it looks like one of Hennessy's Three Star boxes, but of conrse it may not be. Lesson 11. Why does the woman fumble in all her pocket s while the tram-car is waiting and the conductor is using profane language under his breath ?— She is hunting for her ticket. Doesn't she know what she has done with it ? — Of course she does. She knows it is in her glove. Then why does she hunt for it?— Because she wants to attract attention. When everyone is looking full at her she will remove her glove and show off her diamond ring. Lesson 111. "Who is the man riding in the carriage?— He is a bankrupt. I thought bankrupts were men who had no money?— That is because you are young arid innocent, my son. When you grow up you will know better. Will you tell me how it is this bankrupt has money?— lt is very easily explained. Six months before this man went bung he made over all his property to his wife. A man seldom values his wife so much as when he is going to fail in business. And so the bankrupt kept all his money?— Most of it. And what did his creditors get ?— Sixpence farthing in the pound, my son. Lesson IV. Who is the man in. the shabby suit who looks 30 much ashamed of himself? — That, my son, is the party Diogenes hunted for so long wilhont success. He is an honest man, and, stranger still, an honest bankrupt. Why do the people look down upon him ? — Because he paid 20s in the pound, and is now not worth a ra,p. And so, while the fraudulent bankrupt rides in his carriage the honest bankrupt is despised ? — That is about the size of it. The fraud is regarded as a real smart man ; the honest bankrupt is regarded as a fool. Lesson V. Who is the man with the brass face?— He is a life insurance canvasser, and agent for a city undertaker as well. If you had been near Professor Baldwin on Monday, just before he went up in his balloon, you would have seen this man slip two cards into the hand of the daring aronaufc. What were the cards ?— They were the business cards of the insurance company represented by the canvasser, and of the undertaker for whom he acts as agent. Why does the canvasser wear such thick pads on that portion of his unmentionables which comes in direct contact with the chair when he Bits down ?— Bravo, my son, you are improving that's quite a fine sentence. The canvasser finds the pads useful when he gets the kick out. Lesson VI. What are all the men seated at the table doing ? , They are talking. What are they talking about ? — They are talking about erecting a home for the aged poor and infirm of the city. Have they been talking about it long ?— Yes, for two or three years. Do they never do anything but talk ?— Oh, yes, they pass resolutions at one meeting and rescind them at the next. And the aged poor ? — Are still waiting for a decent roof over their heads and some accommodation better than that given to pigs. Have the men at the table to find the money for the home out of their own pockets ? — You would think so, wouldn't you to hear them talk ? But they will not give a sixpence. The money was left to the poor by an old resident of the city. But in keeping the money so long, are not these men robbing the poor people? — Well, it looks a good deal like it certainly. When will the new Eefuge be built ? — Ah, now you have given me a twister. Who knows ? Lesson VII. What is the thing standing on the sidewalk?— That, my son is a dude. You can tell him by his collar, his cigarette, eye-glass and enormous gtick with the crooked handle. If you wait a moment you will see him raise his hat and grin vacuously. He does that when he sees a lady of his acquaintance. Is it easy to be a dude?— Well, my son, it requires great natural aptitude and considerable training. The first qualification is that you must have no brains. The training consists in practising eyeglass and collar drill until you are perfect ; also how to simper, lisp, and drawl. And you must learn to smoke cigarettes in the dude fashion, and to stare ladies hard in the face when you meet them in the street. Are there any dudes in Auckland ? — Plenty. You have only to walk along Queen-street any fine afternoon to meet twenty. The dude is closely allied to the professional masher. There are plenty of mashers in Auckland too. For instance, there is masher G , but I will tell you more about dudes and mashers another daj. C.A.W.