MR. GARRARD'S PETITION.

Observer, Volume 6, Issue 155, 1 September 1883, Page 8

MR. GARRARD'S PETITION.

THE GREAT AGITATOR DESCRIBES HIS VISIT TO THE QUEEN. In course yer all on yer knows that great mariner, Capting Barry, As rode two days and night 3on the back. of a wale, by the lord 'arry ! But I reckon I can lick that old rooster, an' give 'im pints to spare, For I've seed a lot o' things in my time, an' at blowin', you bet, I'm all there. But I'm goin' to spin ye a cuffer, 'ow I went 'ome arter the sission, An' 'ad a haudience with Her Gracious Majesty the Queen, to present my big petition, As was draw'd up by my friend Dick Feltus, as nobby as ever you see, On a whoppin' big sheet of parchment, without any lawyer's fee — For both on us went snacks in the spec, an' the price was noways dear, On'y Dick, he was a'lays thusty, an', Lord ! how he puts away beer !

But Dick's a dapster, he is, and at writin' a reg'lar don, Much better than Cotter an' them there vampires as is a'lays a pilin' it on With writs and demurrers and pleas and replicashuns and fakes, A'lays risin' pints o' law, and the meanest adwantage they takes, When a cove ain't got the spons, w'ich yours truly is noways flush, Though a hindependent workin' man as for nobs and snobs don't care a rush — A friend of the poor down-trodden serfs, and a pal of Sir G-eorge Grey, As Liberal a bloke as ever wa3 — when there ain't any money to pay ; Howsomever, a grand ole man, and the downiest pollytishun, Though I can't say as "he was any great shakes in backin' up my petition. But the aristock-rats and land-sharks, as swallers up all the taxes, I 3 in terrer of W. Gh, and denies him what he axes ; They knows I'm death on the blokes a3 swallers all the sile, An' is pop-ler, is W. G\, among the 'orny 'anded sons of tile ; An' I've fought and shed my gore with the bravest as well as the best — Jist twig these 'ere medals, my pippin, as I wears on this manly breast. But Lord ! how it flummaxed 'em all when they heer'd how W. G.

Was received by the British nobs and Her Most Gracious Majestee — How he talked to the Jutes and Earls, and the coves with stars and garters, An' did a fly-round with the girls, and took tea with their wives and darters. Wich ray ole woman and me took a v'yage in a sailin' ship, * An' sold our furnitur off, and let our creditors BJ.P. ; Likewise Cotter's big bill of costs, as was piled on mountains 'igh — Well, don't he wish he may get it, we adjourned it sine die. An' when we got to Lunnun, the people,- all lined the shore, As had bin expectin' of us, for the noose had gone '• , ■ 'ome before— •:. , • • ;,-.•,. ,'• ~;• ...■■ , ■ \ An' the nobs all crowded round us, and paid,

We've heer'd of your friend Dick Feltus and the Sons of Old Colonists." An' the Queen, she sent her kerridge to take its up to the place, With twenty flunkies in plush and gold and silver and lace ; An' when we got to Buckingham Pallis, and I handed in my card, A big Gold-Stick-ih-Waitin' he roars out "Mister G-arrard!" An' I feels my 'art a thumpin' and knockin' agin my ribs, When a swell said " Tip us your flipper, ole 'orse," an' I reckynised his nibs j An' the Pages and Maids of Honour, all off on their cheers they riz, An' they whispered to one another, " What an 'andsome ole cove he is !" An' we passed through marble 'alls and gordjus gilded saloons, But it rose my'dander when I heer'd a bloated flunky say "Augustus, look arfcer the spoons !" An' the bloomin' p'ramberlater as I wheeled the dockyment in, Went bang up agin a tall footman, and barked the skin off on his shin —

An' a lovely statur of Wenus, with on'y a trifle of clothes, Got caught in my missus's crinolyne, and fell flop down on its nose. But I comes to the grand big staircase, which it brought us up to a stand, An' I turns around to the flunkeys and sez, " Here, boys, ji3t lend us an 'and !" But, Lord ! to see W they puspir'd and puffed and panted and blowed ! For you know them pampered menials ain't used to humpin' a load. But at last we reached the Throne-room, and set the swag down on the floor, An' then I see sich a gordjus sight as I'd never laid eyes on afore. A crowd of Jukes and Duchesses, and Markisses, Lords and Earls, All flashin' in gold and jules "and di'monda and rubies and pearls ; An' Her Majesty sot in a cheer, in the nobbiest kind of stile, An' she bowed quite perlite to yours truly, and give me a haffable smile ; But as soon as she twigged the medals, she sez to old G-lotidy, " Prymeer, Why, blow'd if 'tam't ole G-arrard, wot fought and bled for 'is country out in the Crymeer !" But jist then the G-old-Stick-in-Waitin', as carried a stick with a crown, He whispers, " Jist do the thing reg-lar, go up to the Throne and kneel down." But I draws myself up perp'ndickler, an' I fixes the cove with my heye,

An' aez I, " I'm a Man of the People, as stands on 'is digni-ty : A chap wot ralleys his freedom as a British subjick ought, . But I don't mind kissin' her flipper, if that's ettykitt at the Court." Then I gives it a smack quite proper, and never mulled it a bit, For I -wanted to show 'em as how I was up in Court ettykitt. An' the Queen, she smole, and sez she, " Well, •wot can I do for you ?" An' I collared the bloomin' petition, and read it slap bang all through. I cleared my throat with a "-Hem!" anfi went through it like a bird; — '*«• . - J^ever stammered or stuttered or stumbled over vf a w,ord. „. _. ■.. v -..„,-. ! But, bl6w mef/wHen 'l'd' fedshea^y'-llfefcereistin' theme., '„'.. „ .. '-■■ „.

If all on 'em wasn't asleep, and qoorin^jpjjr like\ steam ! , • . ■' ' \ ;$ &■ But they all woke up with a start, and yawned** and rubbed their eyes, . . ,• . .'•, ' W An' I noticed the Maida of Honour, their mouth?'' was a orful size. . , . -, Sez the Queen, "Excoose this thusnesaj we'refatig«'d with affairs of State ; • We attended a 'op last night, and we kep? it. uprather too late. „. U^-' But bless me ! I'm f eelin' peckish, I declare theclock has struck — So come along, Mister Garrard, with your missus,. and take pot-luck. Pray lend me yer arm, Mr Gbrrard, I'm a trifletarnish you see, And GHaddy, you do the am'able, and lead in dear Missus Gh You mustn't be disapp'ihted with our homelyBritish cheer — For the times is 'ard at present, and the meat is frightful dear; I'm obliged to be economic, and take good keer of the pelf— In course, you underconstumble, you're a fam'ly man yourself." But I'm lettin' out State secrets, wot took place between me and the Queen — But you bet that petition has made the biggestsensation as ever was seen ; There'll be a E'yal Comrnishun, as sure as I'm here, sent out, And Cotter, he'll get the sack, and be sent to the right-about ; An' he'll have to fork out pretty 'andsum for lanclin' me in the jug, An' me and tny bloomin' missus '11 live in clover,. quite snug. For this 'ere child, my pippin, is a downy kind of card, An' they don't very easy catch trippin', youra truly, " * Mb William G-eobge G-abbabd.