BILLY BIGWOOL AT HOME. CHAPTER III.—THE OEATION.

Observer, Volume 4, Issue 100, 12 August 1882, Page 345

BILLY BIGWOOL AT HOME. CHAPTER lII.— THE OEATION.

hs:.l;' '"' POTJNBED ON FACT., •' „-. / JftPgV. ' ~ ' " '■-'.-' ' 'm-SoiiBMN-. hush and great awe fell upon the Jaisemblage, when .Bigwool, having cleared his throat by a succession of mighty " ahems," rose •; to return thanks. His .big coarse face was all P; aglow, with benevolence, his eyes glistened with the brilliance of post-prandial satiety and alcoholic |f. inspiration, and he had hardly uttered three •syllables, when it was evident to his; friends that lie had been anticipating the toasts of the evening. But he was received with thunders of applause. What he said, as literally reported by an emissary •of his implacable rival. Sir Peter Pigsby, was this : — " Gentlemen, this 'ere's the proudest moment of my life. When I looks at this slap-up feed — ahem ! magnificent banquet — I ' feel — I , meanter say I am — (' overwhelmed' suggested the •Chairman in a whisper)— overwhelmed— that's the word, gentlemen, — overwhelmed with — (' astonishment,' again put in Podger, on the other .side) — ahem — astonishment. When the Mayor, as I'm overwhelmed— l meanter say proud — to call my friend, ses to me, — I should say communicated to me— the fack that this— this— ('unexpected honour,' whispered Podger) — this unexpected honour— (loud cries of 'No, no') — this unexpected honour, I ses to myself — in other words I reflected, ' What have I done to deserve this 'ere flat'ring— (' No ? no ')— yes, gentlemen, flat'ring — (carefully reading from a piece of paper •stuck in the big bouquet in front of him) — c marks of appreciation at the hands of my fellow • citizens ?' It is true I have clone my level best — ahem — exerted myself to the hutmost of my power to blow — I should say expatiate — to inflooenshal capitalists in England and on the Continong, and to my personal friends among the aristocracy — (cheers, and a voice, ' Opera girls '). 'Gentlemen,' continued Bigwool, forgetting his ■speech, and bursting into a confidential vein, ' I -don't mind telling you what the Prince o' Wales said to me one day at Marlborough House, when we — that's Albert Ed'ard aud me — was a'aving •our little tiffin arter the butler had been sent downstairs to the kitchen — 'Bigwool,' ses he to me, ' with bullocks and sheep like them yer oughter 'aye the finest country for beef and mutton in the world,' he ses. ' Eight yer are, yer E'yal 'ighness,' I ses, ' but we're awful swindled with that there Property Tax ; and if you could get Gladstone to put a set on it, ses I, you'd be that poplar out there that you might git a statur' put nip to your mem'ry,' ses I, and then Albert Ed'ard larfed, and we wined and drunk success to New Zealand. (Loud cheers.) ' Yes,' ses I, ' your mother must find them butchers' bills rayther :stiffish, wat with her large fam'ly an' all them flunkeys ; but I suppose yer on'y eat poultry, and ; give the flunkies wot's left,' ses I. Albert 'larfed again, and he says, ' Well, I don't mind tellin' yer Billy— he called me Billy for short— as them bills is stiffish, with our small sal'ries, but with economy •an' that 'ere we git along pretty tidyish, though we ain't millionyares, like you Noo Zealanders, lie ses ; but if you licks us In mutton and beef, we can knock spots out of you in pork.' Them wasn't exacly his werry words, but that was the •effek on 'em. (Loud cheers.) During the foregoing remarks, Podgers and the Chairman had been pulling frantically at Bigwool's coat-tails, with the object of interrupting this flow of natural -eloquence, but when he oncp launched out it was impossible to stop him. 'Well,' he continued (almost upsetting the chair, in an effort to keep his legs, after a very energetic drag at his coattail by the disgusted Podgers), ' jist then who should be announced but the Markiss o' Bungcasqufc with a message from Mrs Langtry, and in course I had to slither —I meanter say, take my leave. To give you, gentlemen, a hidea of the ■*igh opinion they've got of this country, the Markiss of Pumpkinton — one of the richest nobs in England — ses to me one day, ses he : 'Bigwool, I've a blanked good mind to sell out of this played-out old country and buy up all the land you've got in the market out there and starfe a farm.' ' You do me proud, my lord,' ses I. 'Yes,' he ses ; 'I wouldn't mind it so much myself, you know, because I was once High Sheriff of the county in my young days, and mixed a geod deal with criminals and sich like, and I used to be up to anything, from pitch and toss to manslaughter ; but when one's married and got gals, it wouldn't bo exackly the cheese, you know. Why, there's my coachman, Binkins, as got inter a little trouble over a young 'ooman, and I had to gee 'em married, and give 'cut a trifle to start with.' ' You're a sly dog, Markiss,' ses I. ' No,' says he, ' it wasn't no affair 'o mine,' he ses, ' but I got the Magistrate to give 'em a character and .git 'em a free passage in a hemigrant ship ; and now, arter ten years, Binkins is rose to be knighted, and got a portfolly in the Cab'net, and is as rich as Eothschild.' (Here there were a few hisses from the friends and political supporters of Binkins, and Bigwool was pulled down into his chair by the united efforts of his right and left hand ■supporters, with whom lie was seen angrily expostulating, amidst yells of laughter and great -cheering. When the uproar had subsided, he resumed.) 'But, gentlemen, I'm a getting off the track. Wot I meanter say is this 'ere,— wot we wants in this 'ere country is svgar — ahem — capital. Why, on'y the other day my friend, straddles, as I'm proud to see in this distinguished '.:ompany, bought 250.000 acres of some of the nnest land in Kantborough, which he intends to stock with sheep. (Loud cheers.) That's wot I ■calls enterprise/ dewelopin' the resources of the ■country, an' that 'ere — them'? the kind o' men we want. (Ecnewed cheers.) Wots labour without capital? It's like— like— a sheep without wool. Who pays the taxation, I should like to know? Who keeps labour going ? Why it's us •capitalists as does it. No, no, gentlemen, we don't want any Nilcism, or Commoonism, or any •o' them things out here. Capital is the— the — (' springs of labour,' suggested the Chairman) — yes, the strings of labour. Wot we oughter do is to go in for more borrowin' and redooced taxation. (Cheers.) Ten more millions properly — properly — (' utilised,' whispered Podgers) — ' ut'lised in . branch railways through properties like Straddleses 'cl send this Colony along on a— on a (' career of prosperity,' put in the indefatigable Podgers)— on a carrier of asperity, like a— like a

— railway '^hengyne at full' speed. \ (Cheers.) Gentlemen;' when 4l loots around this 'ere "ijioom, and I sees soi maiiy— (' lay it on,' whispered • Podgel^-^so many 'igh-niinded, intelligent,, intellectool, — (' Bravo !' whispered the Mayor) — ■patriotic, distongy, — that's Erench, gentlemen, — distoagy individuals, I feel— l feel — ('highly gratified,', suggested Podgers) — 'ighly gratified that this great country is safe — (cheers) — as safe, gentlemen, as a shearer's cheque in a rum-shanty — I mean as a bank. (Cheers.) I can lay my handjon my heart (here Bigwool placed over the right side of his white waistcoat a great broad red hand, that looked like a big rump steak on a large white dish) and look round and say I don't owe no money — I mean grudge — agin any man in this 'ere crowd. (Loud cheers, during which Moppin, whose mind was still sore from the recollection of a little native land transaction in which Bigwool had ' bested ' him, as he Avas wont to tell his friends, 'out of a slice of country,' feverishly gulped down two glasses of. champagne and clenched his fists under the table ; while J uggles, the commission agent, was suddenly seized with a fit of sneezing.) Gentlemen, I thank you from the bottom of my pocket — ahem — I should say heart — for this unexpected overwhelming honour, and I will conclude — (cheers) — by axing you for to jine with me in drinking the 'ealth of our distongy Vice - Chairman. (Loud and prolonged cheers, during which Bigwool subsided into his seat, mopped himself with the table-napkin, and remarked in a whisper to Podgers, ' Well, I did my best, you know, but I couldn't git that speech o' yours off no how. The hideas all flew outer my head, like sheep out of a dip, and I had to depend on a bust o' nat'ral eloquence.') It would be impossible to do justice to the carefully prepared oration of Frontmill, which occupied fully half-an-hour in delivery, and sent nearly half the company to sleep. It was a wonderful mixture of classic, mediaeval, and modern history, poetry, the fine arts, agriculture, political economy, couched in high flown and ponderous,sonorous sentences, smelling offensively of kerosene, and redundant of self-glorification, dogmatism, puffed up pride, and deification of Mammon, albeit there ran through it a cunning vein of hypocritic humility, diffidence, and sham philanthropy. He wound up by intimating that he had a pleasing duty to perform — the presentation to Mr Bigwool, in the name of the citizens of Kantborough, of a very beautiful silver tea and coffee service, engraved with his crest and motto and a suitable inscription, "as a mark of appreciation of the services he had rendered to the Colony during his late tour in Europe, and a slight testimonial of the high respect for his many excellent qualities as a pioneer colonist, and one of the foremost legislators of New Zealand.' When the enthusiastic cheering had subsided, Bigwool, in a voice choked with emotion and hiccoughs, again thanked them from the very bottom of his heart, promised always to treasure their splendid gift, and to transmit it as a family heirloom to his remotest posterity. Then everybody toasted everybody else, and finally reeled or was driven home, just as the champagne began to show signs of distress. Next morning the report of the banquet occupied ten columns of the Kantborough Daily Stock■whip, containing a beautiful speech, purporting to have been delivered by Bigwool, and bearing about the same resemblance to the original as the bulk of his remarks did to sober truth. It was, in fact, the written speech composed for the occasion by Podgers, but never delivered. There was also a glowing leading article on the speech, in which Bigwool was said to have " struck a keynote," and done many other things "to which, from his long and honourable career in the Colony, and his free intercourse with the aristocratic and influential classes in England, he was so well qualified to do the fullest justice-." On the same day Bigwool paid over a very handsome cheque to Grabsley to defray the principal cost of the whole affair. (To he continued.)