BILLY BIGWOOL AT HOME.

Observer, Volume 4, Issue 97, 22 July 1882, Page 296

BILLY BIGWOOL AT HOME.

THE BANQUET. FOUNDED ON PACT. We lelt onr esteemed friend Billy Bigwool — or '" the Hon. William Bigwool, M.L.C.," as he is styled at home, chewing the cud of bitter experience after his " tower *•' in Europe, and expressing his disappointment at the failure of what he called his " httle spec " by denunciations of bloated aristocrats. We have now to trace his subsequent career in the Coltmy, where his foot was, so to speak on his native hearth, and he tound consolation for the neglect he had suffered at the hands of the patricians of England in the hearty welcome he received from his plebeian cronies and flattering compliments — like grateful incense to his nostrils — from his station hands. For in spite of the sly insinuations of Sir Peter Pigsby, Mr Shoddington and the other sworn enemies of Bigwool, his return to Kantborough was an event of no ordinary importance in its history. The day after his arrival the jnorning journal contained a long article headed in large capital letters, " RETURN OF THE HON. WM. BIGWOOL, M.L.C.," in which the editor, remarked, " All old Colonists, and tho public of Kantborough generally will rejoice to welcome back oiu' esteemed fellow citizen, after a prolonged tour in the land of his birth. During his residence in England the hon. gentleman mingled freely with the nobility and the highest and most influential classes, not even excepting Royalty itself, and from his intimate acquaintance with the circumstances and resources of the Colony, he was enabled to afford much valuable information which cannot fail to produce important and beneficial effects upon settlement and the investment of capital. We are glad to learn that a movement is already on foot to recognise the valuable services which the hon. gentleman has rendered to New Zealand as a whole, and to Kantborough in particular, by getting up a grand banquet in honour of his return." It is true that in the evening paper a letter appeared over the siguiture of " Inquirer " (ascribed to Pigsby) asking in terms of withering sarcasm Avhat Bigwool had ever done for New Zealand, and insinuating that he was more likely to have brought it into* disgrace by a vulgar and ostentatious display of his wealth, — acquired by landsharking and robbery of the sacred birthright of the people — and by miserable fawning on the effete aristocracy of England, than to have reflected credit either on himself or the colony which he had tne impudence to pretend to represent. The attack tickled the great unwashed ancl the nobodies of Kantborough, but the big squatters, landowners, capitalists, legislators, merchants, clergy, officials, and haut ton — in short all the people who might be said to be "in society," respected Bigwobl's great wealth and influence with the Ministry, and denounced the attack in the " wretched rag " (meaning the aforesaid evening journal) as " low " and " scurrilous." But after all the proposed grand banquet hung ■fire. In fact there never had been any movement in that direction. It was a mere feeler thrown out by the editor of the morning journal, in which Bigwool was a large shareholder, Pigsby and Shoddington being interested in the opposition evening paper. ' But Bigwool was equal to the emergency. The difficulty was easily got over by enlisting the services of his friend Grabsley, of the bank. When Grabsley took anything in hand it was bound to succeed. He had such an insinuating way with him that nobody could find it in his heart to refuse anything he asked, even when he demanded security for an overdraft, or put the screw upon an unfortunate client to repay his advances at a few hours' notice. Grabsley was a tall, grave-looking man. He dressed with the same scrupulous neatness and exactitude as the columns of the bank ledgers. Not a line was out of place, not a blot or a smudge disfigured his exterior. Just as some types of animals are moulded and developed by their habits and natural surroundings, Grabsley was in harmony with his occupation and environments. He was a sort of walking bank ledger. He went about in the overwhelming consciousness that he was the -repository of important financial secrets and mysteries, tliat he carried millions upon millions written on the inner pages of his mind, and that Tie was one of the essential factors and controlling forces of government, commerce, and the social system. There were millions in a glance of his eyes, the chink of bullion in his voice, and the crackle of crisp bank notes in his boots. Whenever his tall, erect form was seen gliding through the streets and into the counting-houses of the merchants of Kantborough, the tradesmen went in and anxiously scanned their bill-books, just as a farmer's wife watches her poultry coops when she descries a hawk circling in the sky. They knew that there was to be a bad quarter-of-an-hour for someone, and could not be sure that it might not be their turn next. Grabsley was assisted by a small corps d' armee of willing and obedient agents, bound to him by ties of self-interest, as übiquitous, and argus-eyed as the Continental secret police. Not tlie smallest ripple in the financial world escaped them. They knew when Smith . was getting " shakey ;" when Brown was " flying Mtgs," when Jones was trying v .to ingratiate himself with the manager of the opposition Bank ; when Robinson was making forced sales, and they promptly communicated all __ie facts and signs to the bank parlor. Some of them were the pilot-fish to the shark ; others the jackals that stripped the bones of the carcase. Grabsley and these agents were never seen together. He did not even recognise them in the' street. The bills which they discounted for needy borrowers at sixty per cent., and the mortgage deeds on which they advanced money, filtered through to Gabsley in. the end, just as the sewage of Kantborough found its way to the sea, always gathering something in its course. Grabsley took only the choice pickings, and left the jackals to pick the bones. He knew that when he got hungry he could eat the jackals too. No wonder then that when he took anything in hand it was sure to succeed, Bigwool's appearance. in the Bank that morning caused quite a commotion. The crowd parted "right apd left as he strode towards the manager's

room. The face of Jobbins, the great auctioneer, who was depositing the proceeds" of a large sale, beamed all over with pleasure ; while Pieceman, the retail draper, hastily crushed into his pocket the roll of notes which he had drawn out on the strength of his last discounted bills ; Smirkes, the cricketing teller, strangled tlw little joke he was perpetrating for the delectation of a customer "who belonged to the same club, and screwed his features into an expression of business abstraction. The dapper accountant skipped round the counter, and with a profound bow opened the door for the visitor. For Bigwool was one of the principal shareholders and a Director of the Bank. Grabsley, who was seated at a handsome writing-table, scanning with wrinkled brows, a list of dishonoured bills, rose with stately dignity as Bigwool entered, and gravely handed him a chair. " Permit mo tq congratulate you on your improved appearance, sir," said Mr Grabsley, in his softest aud most winning tones, " also, upon the eminent services you have rendered to the Colony during your late tour." " Thankee, Grabsley." "It is needless to add, Mr Bigwool, that wo anticipated the most beneficial results from your visit to the land wliieh had the honour of your birth, and watched with tho deepest interest your unceasing efforts to bring the resources of the Colony uncier the notice of your distinguished friends in England" " Nat 'rally," said Grabsley, " of course, of course. I done my little best among the nobs, an' I flatter myself I showed 'em a blanky wrinkle or two." "No doubt, sir, no doubt. They have much to learn from men who have carved their way to social eminence, influence, and fortune like some of our most distinguished Colonists. Did you find His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales pretty well" informed on Colonial affairs, Mr Bigwool ?" " Fairish, Grabsley, fairish, but he has a good deal to learn, the blanky aristocracy is that blanked igorunt, that some on 'em think Kantborough an' Botany Bay is the same place, an' that we're all convicts an' ticket-o'-leaves." "Ha ! ha ! that is too good ! Mi- Bigwool." " Most on 'em is stuck-up paupers with their blanky properties an' di'moncls mortaged like a ticker in a pop-shop." " They don't understand the principles of finance, sir. They have not had our experience." "Blank 'em; I wish they had. I'd like to have some on 'em on one o' my stations, like young Fizzgig ; I'd blanky soon take the conceit out'n 'em. They wouldn't give themselves such blanked airs if they had to live on damper and mutton an' billy tea, instead of their turtle, an' ven'son, an' truffles, an' champagne. But I've come on a little business matter, Grabsley." " Certainly, sir, certainly ; what can I do to serve you f Of course your last draft was honoured by the Directors." "Well, tfie fact is, there's that feed as they're a talkin' of." " Tlie banquet, Mr Bigwool, of course it will be a great success, and a fitting welcome to you on your return to the land of your adoption." "Of course. But you see, Grabsley, it sorter hangs fire like ; it ain't that spontanyus as I'd expected, blanked if it is !" " Hangs fire !" exclaimed the manager, in a tone of profound amazement — " hangs fire ! Well, this" is the blackest ingratitude ! We must see to this at once, sir. Leave it to me, Mr Bigwool." " I hear as that blanky Shoddington an' Bollingdown have been kinder throwin' cold water on it." " They have, have they ? Well, we'll soon settle that, Mr Bigwool. I happen to. know a way of bringing Bollingdown to reason ;" and Grabsley touched a small bell, which brought m a smart young gentleman from the next room. " Sparkins, take my compliments to Mr Bollingdown, ancl desire him to meet me in this room at 2 p.m." " Bollingdown's up a tree," remarked young Sparkins to Dasher, in a confidential whisper, as he passed out to deliver the mandate. " We wantcr infoose a sorter int'rest in the move," said Bigwool, when the door had closed. " Don't trouble yourself, in the least, sir ; we shall soon stir up public opinion." " If the bankit took a kinder flatterin' form, Mr Grabsley, — say a testimonial, not a puss o' soys., or that sorter thing, but a bit o' plate, or addross by the Mayor, or summat o' that sort, — it'cl be all the more graccf ullcr an' 'andsomor, an' that 'ere Grabsley, you know." " Leave it to me, sir ; it shall be done at once." " An' of course, Grabsley, yer needn't spare ' sugar.' You can call on me for the blanky expense of the bankit an' testimon'al." " I don't think it will be necessary, sir, but you can rely on me to ensure a perfect ovation and a splendid testimonial." " Grabsley, you're a trump," snid Bigwool, seizing his hand, " an' I'll have your screw raised at the very fust meetin' o' Directors — I'm blanked if I don't.'" I shall be glad, sir, if my humble services commend themselves to your favour. Rely on me. Good day, sir — good, day," said the manager, bowing Bigwool out. The echo of the retreating footsteps of the great squatter and capitalist had hardly died away on the tesselated marble, when there was a timid knock at the manager's door, and there entered a man with a bald head, a care-worn face, and shy eyes. He gave three coughs, fumbled with his hat, ancl examined the pattern Of the carpet. Grabsley, who had recognised the visitor at a glance, never deigned to invite him to a seat, and went on without raising his eyes from the figures he was perusing. " Well, sir," he said at length, " what is your business with me ?" "Mr Grabsley, sir, I've come to ask you to renew those bills. The fact is, sir, I — " "It can't be done — it's contrary to the principles of our business." " But, sir, hear me ; you know that last season's goods arrived too late, through that accident to the ship, and they were a dead loss." " That's your look out, Mr Slopsell ; the Bank is not responsible, for accidents at sea." "But, then, sir, consider niy position — my wife just buried, the children dpwn with the measles, and CbintSj who banks with the National, getting

any amount of accommodation and running me awful, sir." , "Damn the National, Mr Slopsell. Do you think our business is influenced in the slightest degree by a concern of that kind ?" " If you press me, Mr Grabsley, it will be ruin, sir — I shall have to file." "File away; we are secured creditors." "But for God's sake, sir, have some mercy. Remember I've done a good discount business with this bank for twelve years, and always met my bills to the day." " And you had the use of our money in return." " But can't you let'mo have just a little breathing time — say a month." . "What about that shipment by the Orestes, Mr Slopsell ? Have you got the invoices ?" "They will be here by the next mail, sir (due in a day or two)." " Well, we can let you have some little accommodation oil them." " But consider, Mr Grabsley ; it would not be fair to the English creditors." " The English creditors !" exclaimed the manager, startled out of the cool self-possession he had hitherto preserved, " Well, that's certainly cool ! So you want to pay your English creditors at the expense of this Bank and your colonial creditors, eh, Mr Slopsell ?" " The truth is, sir, I shall have to lodge those invoices against the bills now on the way." "Ah ! Then look here, Mr Slopsell, you must meet these bills by to-morrow morning, or .we step in, d'ye understand ? Good day, sir." Poor Slopsell staggered out into the sunshine with dazed eyes — a ruined man. "Badger,"' signalled the manager through a speaking-tube, " instruct the ledger-keeper not to mark any more of Slopsell's cheques." It was astonishing how enthusiastic the leading men of Kantborough became over the coming banquet to Bigwool. The morning paper came out with a leading article devoted to the subject ; the evening paper modified its tone, and inserted a half - complimentary paragraph ; Badger, a brisk sandy-haired man, Grab.*ley's factotum, was seen bustling about the streets ; Bollingdown was canvassing with great energy ; many of the leading merchants and business men formed themselves into a committee, and elected Mr Tower 3, tlie Mayor, Chairman ; a magnificent glistening silver tea and coffee service, ticketed " The Bigwool Testimonial," was exhibited in the window of the fashionable jeweller, on whose door were the Royal Arms in gilt, with the words, " By special appointment to H.R.H. the Duke of Edinburgh, Sir George Bowen, and the Marquis of Normanby." Everybody — that is, all the clients of the great bank aud their friends— said the banquet and ball were certain to be an unqualified success. (To be continued.)