BRIEFF MENTION

Observer, Volume 4, Issue 82, 8 April 1882, Page 60

BRIEFF MENTION

CHILDE HOHAIA'S PILSBIMAGE,

A belle of the past — the cracked bell of St. Paul's. Major George gave" a well-attended party at his residence, Epsom, the other evening. The disciples of the sock "and buskin talk of Challenging the Press to a cricket match for a dinner. Tobias Henpeck thinks the cloture ought to be made to apply in some way to curtain lectures. , " Brief life, is here our Portia " as the young Short lady in the lawyer's cap and gown said. "Is hanging a crime ?" Not if it is round the neck of a good-looking girl. Anyhow many fellows think it a " capital " punishment. It is said that the notorious Madame V . is a tenant of the City Council. Query— Who colleats the rent? . Don't be afraid of the piggie at the Fair at the North Shore. It has been thoroughly trained to squeak and run — nothing more. The young men at the North Shore say that the nursegirl is not a lady's companion, but a church warden's companion. Who is the Government official who borrowed a tenner with which to get rid of a " Victoria by the Grace of God," and then wouldn't stump up ? j Quiet is that High-street bar, The reason, too, is plain ; For " Ichabod " is written On the doors of Chancery-lane. There were no grounds for the report which ! went the rounds of the Colonial Press that Mr Sheehan was seriously ill. It was pure newspaper imagination. Still another peculiarity of Auckland horses ; or of colonial composition : " Wanted, a young man to milk and look after horses, &c." These milk horses probably need a good deal of looking after ! < We wonder what the poor, simple-minded fisherman would have thought of all this pother about "Lord Bishops I " Fancy " Lord Paul," " Lord Poter," and the " Bight Eeverend Judas Iscariot ! " Sydney Taiwhanga thinks if he goes home the Queen will "take care of him." We "think so neither," as the Dutchman said. The Queen, by proxy, would take care of him in a straight-jacket or glass case. ! The Star says that Councillor Orowther gave his employe's a trip last Sunday "for the benefit of the I fresh air." We hope the fresh air was greatly benefitted! The balance sheet of the Young Women's Institute shows that while £M 0 16s 3d was expended on " provisions," the gross'receipfcs for refreshments was only £165 Is 8&. Now, then, Laura, man the breach. What a soft-hearted ruffian that Frank Douglas is. He made a blow at his wife with a candle-stick and struck Moran instead. Then he wept. Was it because he missed his mark? Eeally this thing is very affecting. The Colonial Treasurer strolled up and down Queen-Btreet on Saturday night up to a late hour, and appeared to be much interested in the shep windows. He -was, doubtless, looking for something else to be taxed. Mr Auckland (Buckland ?), says a cablegram in the Star, has been elected for East Cornwall. This is a good omen for our Buckland, and he is a believer in omens.- Of course he dosen't believe in every owemen. The singing of Miss Carry Godfrey at Aratapu rather astonished the natives, and the anxious expression on several faces in the audience when she said "she wanted to be somebody's darling," must have astonished the fair maidens up there. Time : Midnight. Old gentleman goes in for a few minutes, leaving hansom at door. Falls asleep, and. doesn't come out till 6 a.m. Finds hansom waiting, and daren't refuse to pay the exorbitant fare manded.A cook, in a confectioner's in Queen-street, managed to burn a blanc mange, and at the end of the week received a bill for milk Is Bd, sugar sd, cornflour sd, which was deducted from his week's salary. That cook prays for the " boss." The great ructions in the Cabinet are now reported to be in connection with the Premier's illness. , It is understood Mr Hall's medical advisers insist upon the Premier retiring from public life. We are, therefore, on the eve of a political calamity. Oh dear ! The breaking up of the Ministerial team appears to be very close at hand. Mr Bryce, it is stated, has hurried off to Taranaki to see about the Mokau Native Lands Court. I wonder if the " Major" suggested his going down to these native wilds. A Bill has been drafted and will be submitted to Parliament to get Government House and the grounds surrounding it for an Auckland College. A memorial is now being numerously signed to strengthen the passing of the measure through both Houses of the Assembly. THE SONG OT THE CITY COUNCIL. When Offer left, We wept, bereft, "No matter !" said the scoffers, " Don't cut up rough, ] For sure enough j You'll soon have lots of Offers I" During the Easter recess, there is a report that the undermentioned gentlemen will lecture on the following subjects : — lnspector O'Sisllrvan, Icthyology ; The Leech, Sub-Inspector Peacock. Classics : Meum, et tuum, Sub-Inspector Goodwin. Greek play: Bhinography. He has gone from our gaze, We shall see him no Moar ; Our cooks and housemaids His absonce deplore. Like the famed dinornis That flourished of yore, The footprints we miss Of Constable Moa(r). We hope an energetic policeman will be stationed near the Choral Hall at the next concert. He will obtain a rich harvest of cases amongst the drivers of cabs and hairystocratic shandrydans, who seem to think they have a right to block up Symonds-street when such a great social event=as a Choral Concert is going on. In a mercantile institution of this city, tobacco chewing is a favourite recreation of the very proper young men there employed. Ainongat them are two or three who always appear to be short of " weed," and are in consequence continually cadging off their fellows. One of the latter hit upon an expedient which stopped tho begging of " a chew of 'baccy " from him in future. Steeping a piece of tobacco in a decoction of quassia and other equally palatable ingredien bs, he kept it especially for the use of cadgers. They don't come now. Says Constable Strathern, " You're a loafer and slattern, And you live in queer scenes." • ' Says old Mother Drummond, " Unjustly I'm summoned ! Your language is awful, ' I gets my loaves lawful By viceable means !" The .reporter of a contemporary was lately mode the viotim of a sell of a cruel nature. A fine specimen of "gum benzoin on view in a Queen-street store, being passed off upon him (representative) as a block of Whaugarei granite. A paragraph duly appeared in the columns of our contemporary, calling attention to thelvaluable nature of the find, and the possibility of a . ne^ industry of great benefit to Auckland being established in the near future, as soon as the lucky proprietor had "time to form a company to work the quaSgr''--'- : "v-' K "...'. •,'••' ' ': .'" : Sergfeaht Taylor, of the Volunteer Rifles, made V, •'■ \ths.tpp*s.core of 68 in thfe match with the Wairoa South '■.' ■)' t^m.'-VjYpl«njbeers Hoye and E/ Wilson each scored 68 '' for Wairoa, b\it,ithe, match, was won by the Auckland . ; : team by. 948 points to '922. A dinner took; place at~ the •\ s ;W^*kWg^lei.rs:Clubinvthe evening, at.which Captain presided, and the artillery band played approprirfcv'ate mualcal selo,otions> >Mr Wheeler was the caterer.

The Baptist brethren have declared that they, do not want "unwilling contributions from the ungodly." Hallelujah i We shall in safety visit the forthcoming Bazaar I Pleasant times are in store for the "ungodly" ;. but ,we are afraid the funds of Wellesleystreet Church will. suffer. '■•;■_■■ .. ~ to- .i. When there -is another marriage at the JNortn Shore we hope somebody will be entrusted with the duty of preventing the larrikins from standing on the tops of the varnished seats, and. squalling babies in arms from giving the happy pair a foretaste of their future bliss. Howling dogs are also highly objectionable animals to bring to church on such an occasion. Hallelujah ! The Press is becoming religious. The brands have been plucked from the burning. The sheep are being gathered to the fold. There is joy over 'one sinner that repenteth. The New Zealand Times has begun to print leaders on sermons and preaching. The Waikato Times devotes a leading article to the late Wesleyan meeting at Cambridge, and the tired editor now sings "There is rest for the weary" as he turns the mangle in the machine-room, ' Lavs Plutus, sing a loud Te Deum, And hold a jubilato, Ye Wesleyans sing a joyful paean Throughout the wide Waikato. No more we'll hawk about the plate, Or carry round the hat, oh ; Our church is in a solvent state, Up here in rich Waikato ! . . In an issue of the Sydney Punch recently there appeared a caricature of Thompson, the cornetist, surrounded by ears, hair, teeth, and other little properties of his audience, and it was lucky for Aratapu that all their sawdust (of which by the way they are wellstocked) was not stacked near the lower wharf when the boys landed for the concert, and marched triumphantly to the hall headed by the great cornet man and i Biccardi's doubl«. J There are. now on view in the window of Mr Leech, Shortland-street, a number of pictures, many of which are real gems of art, and in the mode of treatment, harmony, and finish, are superior to the average productions of colonial artists. The pictures are the property of Mr Slater, of Devenport, who is disposing of them on the art union principle. Many of them were painted by an eminent English artist. Rev. Tebbs may say of his apologists, "Save I me from my friends!" There is something intensely funny in a blustering ignoramus who presumes to offer an opinion on the quantities of Greek words like Euroclydon (we have no Greek type), when he does not know Beta from a bull's foot. Smith's, and Liddel and Scott's Greek Lexicod place the accent on the antepenult; it is the short omifcnon, not the omega. The accent is on the second syllable, not on the •' y." If Mr Tebbs or his apologist was taught to pronounce in this way, he must have been educated at an academy. Was it snobbery or was there a husband or a brother in the same line of business down town. Two Ponsonby ladies met in a 'bus last week, and from their conversation, had evidently not seen each other for some time. The first speaker, after the usual remarks about the weather had been exchanged, volunteered her surprise at seeing the other. " Oh, lam going down town to make a few purchases in Berlin wool," was the answer. " Indeed I should not have thought you would have found it necessary, as I hear there is a very nice little shop just started in the neighbourhood." "Oh but we don't intend to patronize shops up there. We have made up our mind to stamp them out. I thin'c it rather detracts from the respectability of the local ifcy, my dear."

MACE THROWS UP THE SPONGE ! [At a recent cricket match in the Domain, in which Jem Mace was a participant, the "champion of the world " had to be assisted off the field, suffering from a severe blow in the abdomen administered by a cricket "ball, which Jem ought to have caught."} Oh, mighty champion of the Ring And master of the noble art, How is it such a trifling thing 1 Can fill with fear thy noble heart ? Pull often, in " the gloves " arrayed, Thou'st faced the quickest, heaviest blows ; But cricket gloves may well have made Thee " butter-fingered," I suppose ! Alas, poor Jem ! one plainly sees How strangely Fortune's blows are dealt, When thou, at the Autipodes, Art foully struck "below the belt." Oh, champion of the world's field, Who never yet the sponge let fall, How hard that thou at last must yield — Quite vanquished by a cricket ball ! The following highly complimentary notice of a pamphlet by a distinguished Auckland author, is taken from the Dunedin Echo :— " Weighed in the Balance." One of the silliest leaflets we ever read is named " Weighed in the Balance," by Arthur Ponthill. It is called " a play for the times, in three acts," and supposed to be a criticism of Sir George Grey. It is devoid of the slightest literary ability, and it shows that the Auckland Tories want brains when they have to rely on such effusions. EEQUIEM FOR THE "PLATE." Why sleeps the Baptist congregation And tolerates the innovation Which comes their church to desecrate— The abolition of the " plate " ? And is it gone, alas ! for aye. This relic of a noble day— The "plate" in which we dropped, by fits, Our " fivers " and our threepenny-bits ? Alas ! our youthful parson, Tom, With new-spun notions fresh from Home, Has bid the plate no more go round, And banished far the jingling sound, Which (Tom says) the impression leaves That the Temple is a d£n of thieves ; Tho pure must not that music hear So pleasing to the " ungodly " ear ! i The poor but honest Widow's mite Prom now Bhall be neglected quite ; The " big bug's ", flourished ten-pound note Shall lie un-noted and forgot ! ; And now the haftpy reign we'll see ■ Of penny and of " brown bawbee," • In voluntary, free donation^ I .' ■ By all the " ungodly »' congregation ! — Thk Biack KSIGHT.

A newly made beuedicfc got up the morning after his marriage, like>a dutiful husband, to lightfthe fire. There was something wrong with the chimney. The smoke all came the ,wrqng way. Investigation of the mystery showed that sonic enemies of his domestic happiness, had stuffed the chimney. Two rollicking rams had slipped out while the wedding festivities were at their height and perpetrated the diabolical deed. When Carr boldly mounted the roof to clear away the obstacle he was enthusiastically cheered, by an admiring crowd. .

There was a sound of revelry by night, And Matamata's Plains had gathered then Three members of the Cabinet, and bright The inscription gleamed from near the big sheep-pen, Where Thompson's monument appears, whereon Is written in gilt letters swell, " Let Firth remain in possession of his run." And all went merry as a marriage bell. But hush ! hark ! a deep sound strikes like a dying knell. Did ye not hear it P No, 'twas but the wind, Or the sheep tramping in the crowded pens. ! On with the talk, dear friends : you mustn't mind Such interruptions to our conference. I want the river snagged at your expense But hark ! that heavy sound breaks in once more, As of some horseman riding through the fence i And now an A.C. man is at the door ! Up ! up !itis a wire from Gordon, what a bore ! And there was mounting in hot haste. The steed. The four-wheel buggy and the jaunting car, Went off to Cambridge with impetuous speed ; And Bolleston muttered, " It is very far," And Atkinson puffed moodily at his cigar, And great Hohaia looked very glum, And Bryce felt sea-sick with each jolt and jar, With rage, and bile, and indignation dumb, But wished to goodness that they hadn't come. This is a Lunatic. He has Got it Bad. He is a Poet. The Poet Lunatic lives in an Attic, and gets things on Tick. Sometimes he gets Loose, and then he gets Tight. He writes verses and viea versa, and is given to vice. He lives on Ends of Candles, and the smell of old Poetry Books, Flowers, and Things. It is said of him, " poet nasty, non fit," because he is not fit for anything else. My son, beware of the Poet. He will button-hole you, hold you with his Glittering Eye, and read you to Death with a Poem of 10,999 stanzas. Here is a Poet who Broke Loose the other Day. Listen to his Melancholy Howl :— " Oh, my dearest Mary, Altho' I'm growing old, Still pure love and affection As fresh for you doth flow, Eight well I'm blessed as all may see When 'ere I take a stroll." He calls this " Sublime Lines." You will see that in his Mad Paroxysm ho wants to distort " Mary " into rhyming with "affection," "flow" with "old," and "stroll" with "flow." This is a common failing with Poets. They alway think that Lines ought to fasten on to each other like a String of Sausages. .My Son, if Poets entice thee, consent thou not. The Poet is alway lainbicguous, anapaest. Who sends the Auckland telegrams to the Bay of Ptenty Times ? He must have a great genius for getting at State secrets, but he should be careful in his anticipatory "tips." It is really exhausting to read that—" The Minister of Lands is most anxious to join Mrs Eolleston at the Lakes for a few days' relaxation, .;

offer' "his Lard travelling and coming hard sessional labours." The climate must begetting more enervating than formerly when it is necessary for a man to rest after his " coming labours " J Doran's Minstrels gave a capital performance to a crowded nouse in the Albert Hall on Saturday night. We have seen worse and very much less entertaining professional burnt-cork companies than this. Most of the songs in the first part of the programme byKobson, McAneny, Marshall, Mettam, and Campbell, were well sung. " The deep, grand voice of the sea," by Mr W. J. Marshall, with chorus, was rendered with much taste and feeling, the voices harmonising very effectively. Torn Margetts improves on acquaintance. His character songs were given with spirit, and were warmly encored. Mr St. Clair was also very amusing in Irish comicality. The duct " Larboard Watch," by Marshall and Campbell, secured a well-merited encore, and the farce " Hibernian Justice," by McAneny, Margetts, and Marshall, created yells of laughter. A stout lady from the Emerald Isle in the front seats was nearly going into convulsions, while an old gentleman who planted his chair in the central passage, beat time to the music in a very irregular manner, occasionally jerked in a few bars in the wrong key, and generally displayed a degree of eccentricity which was suggestive of ntrong poteen. The entertainment really did the company credit, and the audience appeared to enjoy themselves. A rather curious deadlock occurred at last week's meeting of the St. Andrew's Mutual Improvement Association, the occasion being the debate on the exclusion of Mr Bradlaugh from the House of Commons. There were not a few Freethinkers in the audience, and the presence of these seemed to have a certain effect on some of the members of the society. For a time no one could be found to take the chair. A number of J gentlemen who were asked to do so (including one of the vice-presidents) having suddenly discovered that it ; was against the principles to open the meeting with prayer, as required by the rules. Thus was their respect i for the consciences of the Freethinkers ; or, perhaps, to put it more accurately, such was their fear of ridicule, or speaking sympathy with Freethinking tenets, that they would on no account undertake the duties of the chair, unless the open devotions were dispensed with. As this could not be done, the meeting was delayed until a bolder Christian than the rest appeared, and went through the usual ceremony. This incident shows that there are moral cowards among the Orthodox as well as in the Freethinking ranks • and while the debate proved that all the ability and reason were on the latter side, it was, to say the least of it, rather curious to find that the voting gave a majority to the " unco-quid " enemies of Bradlaugh. Jem Mace gave a taste of his quality to some aspiring "champions" and "amateurs" who donned the mittens with him at the final performance. Deceived by the playful gentleness with which he indulged them on the. previous occasions, one of them went about telling his friends that Jim was "rather played out, you know," and "could ? nt teach him much!"- This came to the ears of Mace, and just before the sparring tour- - ■ ''" _\'-/ ,-• _.; -', .. ..." ' i J : '

nainent opened Eccles gave^the "office" to a few; 6f#i- ;- thepriviliged ones that "the old 'un was going to £ut -.3 some of them through. Aridsbhe'did. ; rOfielif^irinJr ':> young amateur, shook hands, came up smiling, and got a slogdolloger on the nose that -'rather astonished huh. v. - Nothing daunted, ho waltzed in again, and was rewarded : . withan upper cut under the' chin that made rhimlthink; .• he had got a kick from a -horse. Asking more, like Oliver, he got a "belly-buster" in the ribs, and finally . Mace hooked him by the neck and twisted himround \ and round like a humming-top. He retired more tharif satisfied. The next aspirant was pounded' all over the 1 stage, and when he got through, wondered how'mucbJv ; of him there was left. The third, not unknown to fame, was placed lwrs do combat by a stunning right-hander,-', and Mace obligingly took him up tenderly, and lifted, ( him with care on to his feet. The champion 1 calmly remarked behind the scenes afterwards v Well; they're . pretty fair for amateurs, but I know a sonny that could . put 'em through." The aspiring young amateur has , altered his mind as to Jim being "played out.". , ; ;

As a household specific for indigestion, bilious*. ■■,-■ ness, nausea, constipation, sick headache, and many other ailments, commend me to Crawford's Sarsaparilla • y Tonic, which is now becoming one of % the favourite : drinks in Auckland, in fact, butcher and baker bills have - ~ ; increased so much lately that there is some talk of prohibiting the sale, it makes you eat so much. "Does any one know what brought all the Ministers to Auckland at the same time ?" enquired a crazy old swiper of an amiable-loofcing nightman the other evening. "Why, of coarse, I do,' 1 says the amiable. "They comes from Wellington to get their ..* clothes made here, and pay for them by weefcly instalments." "Where that?" asfced an intelligent-looking•.-banfc clerfc. " Oh, where's that ? would I could realise the dream of my life. A good suit of clothes to go to the Ponsonby Regatta in, and only pay so much a, week. Tell me, old man, and I'll part with half-a-pint of Colonial." " Why, at Munro and Milligan's in Hobsbnstreet," was the reply, and the replyist wns soon putting himself outside a pint of swipes', while the other fellow, the banfc clerfc, bolted to Munro and Milligan's.