The observ\er.

Observer, Volume 3, Issue 57, 15 October 1881, Page 66

The observer.

Saturday, Ocxober 15th, 1881.

The Observer was the first journal to announce that Sir Arthur Gordon was about to proceed to England, and that he was likely to succeed Lord Loftus in the Governorship of New South Wales. The information was published in this journal several weeks ago, during the late session of Parliament. A cable message from London now states that Sir Arthur Gordon will visit London next spring, and a Wellington paper thinks that "higher honour s are in store for him." We may say at once that our information was derived from thoroughly well-informed sources, and that we are now in a. position to Btate that the object of the Governor's visit to England is to report to the Colonial Office on the condition and prospects of Polynesia, and the Native policy in New Zealand, and that his departure to Fiji was with a view to the preparation of the necessary information. We believe the question of Sir Arthur Gordon's successor has not yet been decided.

The feelings of burning indignation and sympathy aroused by the palpably unjust verdict and utterly preposterous sentence passed on the unfortunate man Hayes in the Hamilton rape case, will not, we hope and trust be allowed to cool and die off into nothingness before something practical is done." Mr Edwin Hesketh declares that he never defended a client in whose innocence he believed more firmly than he does in Hayes and go much really important evidence has transpired since the trial that the jury who (according to the direction of the Judge) convicted the man are now anxious to reverse matters and have headed a petition to the Government with their twelve signatures. We should very much like to know on what legal quibble the two all important witnesses for the defence were debarred from giving evidence. The Judge attacked them with as much virulence as if he were Crown Prosecutor, alleging that men who would come forward to testify to such shameful facts were unworthy of credence. But, as a matter of fact, the men did ■not come forward voluntarily, they were subpoanaed by the Court to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" and' why they should be abused by the Judge for obeying such a summons is, to us, incomprehensible. Moreover, even if the men had come forward* voluntarily to tell what they knew, they would in our opinion, have done quite right, Suppose Jones is accused of an offence against Mrs Brown and Kobinson can swear, from his own knowledge' that Mrs B. is a Avoman of loose character, and unlikely to resist such an attempt, is he to keep silence or speak^ out_ and thus release his friend from a criminal situation. For our part we think Kobinson would be grossly criminal to keep silence though, after Judge Gilles' treatment of those two unfortunate men the other day, witnesses -will not be very ready to come forward in such casea.

Those who heard the Hayes trial from end to end, seem to say that Dr Beale's conduct requires explanation. At the time, it is alleged, lie deposed to the woman being rather severely bruised, and to weals, etc., etc., in certain places. On Friday, however, he writes to the Herald that the bruises and marks Avere very slight, hinting, by implication, that they were not come by in the manner the prosccutrix alleges.

The Hospital nurses occasionally draw upon theix* imagination in fixing up t-lie descriptions of the patients which are attached to the various beds. A case in point has been related to us. Some two months ago a young and buxom damsel, well-known as the dispenser of liquid comforts at one of the leading hostelries, was admitted to the sanatory institution, suffering from seiu*lefc fever. She was taken into an isolated ward, and put to bed, and later on the usual placard was posted up designating her as a dressmaker and Sundayschool teacher. The " dressmaker " may have have been a random hit which in the majority of cases would strike home, but how the deseriber evolved the notion that the patient was a Sundayschool teacher, is altogether mysterious, for she certainly did not "look" the 'calling. It was only when the publican in whose service she was came up to enquire after her that the amusing blunder was discovered. When his eye fell upon the paper lie gave vent, in terms more expressive than polite, lo his surprise, and then the convalescent Hebe became aware, for the first time, under what colours she had been sailing. The lady now retails the yarn with the liquor.

Though Mr Jeffs, the Freethought lecturer, did not achieve much success by dint of an/uweiilnm ad jndieium, lie appears to be far more successful in the aryumentum ad howi/ipm. The other day lie was in the Occidental Hotel, where lie lodges, when lie was accosted by a powerfully built person, who endeavoured to convince the lecturer of the error of his ways by a display of muscular Christianity. Using an opprobious epithet towards Mr Jeffs, he proceeded to push him with all his force, causing the doughty lecturer to stagger under the force of an argument of such direct and powerful application. A war-like fire immediately flashed from the lecturer's eyes. With great cooiness and method, he proceeded to shut the door and place his back against it, and next he informed the offender and the bystanders that an ample apology must be tendered before anyone would be permitted to leave the room. ]N T o apology being forthcoming, Mr Jeffs next divested himself of his hat, coat, necktie, and other superfluous articles of attire, and, assuming the most pugilistic attitude, a al Jem Mace, proceeded to intensely forcible arguments, planting a rapid succession of blows on his opponents proboscis with great scientific accuracy and neatness. These arguments appeared to produce speedy conviction, and the lecturer having briefly addressed the assemblage, and drawn a moral from the circumstances, pointing out the folly of sivpposing that a Freethought lecturer could' not be equally free with his hands, he resumed his habiliments and went about his business. Evidently it is not one of the doctrines of the Freethinkers' when they are smitten on one cheek to turn the other to the smiter.

So William Horace Lingard's revered mother died once arjain, when he and Alice reached Trisco. The first occasion of this excellent lady's demise was in Adelaide when Horace wished to account, for sundry monies that had mysteriously come into his possession, and which, lie alleged, his " dear mother" left him. Then again the good lady quitted this world during the bankruptcy trouble in Auckland. It will be remembered that, in the course of his cross-examination at the Supreme Court Horace produced a valuable watch which was referred to wijih a dramatic sob as "my poor mother's chronometer" and which we suggested at the time wight form the subject of a pathetic ballad similar to " Grandfather's Clock." Lingard's grief for his mamma's departure for another world seemed to be real enough in Auckland, and it must have been troublesome to have to make the old lady die all over again in 'Frisco. However, Horace had to do it, and also to induce her to leave him £10,000, else how was he to account for the money made in Australia.

The late District Engineer Mr Stewart, whose memory will ever be clear to Aucklaiulers in connection with the railway reclamation, waxed very wrath when the directors of the Morrinsville Railway Company decided to offer a reward of £500 for the discovery of the best and most practicable route. Mr Stewart, having unbounded confidence in his own heaven-born genius, naturally conceived that the directors of the Company woidd never dream of admitting other common engineers to competition with him. One of the directors ventured to suggest that the offering of a premium •would be a prudent step on public grounds, while it would disarm adverse criticism in the press, by preventing any suspicion of undue favouritism to particular districts in the selection of the route. It is a matter of public notoriety

that Mr Stewart has always affected to look down upon the press, all and sundry with lofty disdain, chiefly because the press lias not looked up to him as a paragon of engineering genius. Consequently the remark of the director was like nourishing a red rag in the eyes of a mad bull. Mr Stewart's reply was prefaced with a naughty big D. and lie condemned the press of Auckland to a region which, despite Canon Farrar and Mr Brown the Christodelphian, is generally supposed to be several degrees hotter than the equator. At the risk, however, of giving mortal offence to the great !X e\v Zealand Archimedes, we venture to say that the directors took a wise step in offering the premium. Tt may save them tens of thousands of pounds, and prevent local jealousies, while it will be far more satisfactory to the great body of the shareholders.

Tlieiv was a vuro matrimonial row the otliei' day between the unemployed agitator and liis bettor half. The old man wanted to make breakfast, and the old lady was determined that ho should not. Consequently, she upset his tea-pot, and as this had not the desired effect she removed the- bottom off the pot with a poker. The agitator got his coffeepot down, and this shared the same fate, the irate matron threatening that she would follow suit upon her husband. He threw his tea at her, and she retaliated by greasing him with a pat of butter. Sugar found its way into madame's mouth against her will, but a bucket of water squared the account. This was too much for the future representative of City West, and lie adjourned outside and addressed the spectators with the object of showing that his wife was the victim of political enemies who wished to injure his good name and prevent his return to Parliament, lie announced his intention of proceeding against the partner of his sorrows for assault and battery, and taking up the injured utensils he went down near the police station and buried them under a heap of stones, in order that he might produce them as evidence in Court on the following day. But he was unconscious of the fact that his wifey had been watching him, and eretheangrv agitator had been gone two minutes she had the domestic articles unearthed and otherwise disposed of. This ended the politician's breeze, and calm and contentment once more reigned supreme.

A scandal unt magnum which is likely to give the Divorce Court some trouble, and the lawyers some plunder, is agitating; the aristocratic circles of a certain seaport township within the provincial district, of Auckland. It is 1 lie old old story of frail and trusting woman and designing man, and the denouement is likely to take the usual form of a disgraced family, and a ruined home. Some months ago certain lynx-eyed and keen-nosed persons detected indications of a tendency on the part of a clergyman's wife to worship too assiduously at the shrine of Bacchus. It is said that the- proprietor of a newspaper published at the place in question was frequently with her iv her devotions, and that their sympathy assumed a form which was more than platonic. The husbnnd's suspicions were aroused, and were unfortunately justified beyond the possibility of doubt. It is said that on discovering his wife's infidelity he gave vent to some expressions not to be found in the Revised New Testament, and that he has instructed a well known lawyer to begin proceedings for a divorce. All the parties are well known in Auckland.

The latest use of the telephone in Auckland is as an agent for conducting courtship. The iningenious telegraphist at a certain country station in this provincial district, having been furnished by the department with a telephone for his instruction and delectation, has utilised the apparatus in order to defeat the vigilance of the too vigilant paternal parent of his inamorata. Truly there are no bars which love cannot break through. The enamoured swain has run a wire from his oilice into the bedroom window of the object of his affections, and like the faint sighings of an JColian harp they now exchange mutual endearments. The suspicions of the "jealous parient " have been lulled by the ingenious story that the wire is a lightning conductor, as it really is in a certain sense, but a rival suitor has discovered the device and hence this paragraph. For our own part we don't see any particular objection to courting by telephone. Though it will necessarily be unaccompanied by - those oscillatory blandishments that preceded the progress of scientific development, it will possess all the peculiar charms of linked sweetness long drawn out. For our part we confess to a partiality for the good old hugging style of thing, but tastes differ, and we have no desire to set up as the arbiter elegantice of love. Science advances with seven-league boots, and it is impossible to set any limit to her conquests. We can even conceive of a time in the proximate future when all court-

ship -will be conducted by telephones, the electric fluid being supplied by animal magnetism, when marriages -will also be celebrated by telephone, and well, in short when electricity will entirely supersede many of our modren social customs, and contrivances. Probably after this the Government will recognize the propriety of supplying all bachelor telegraphists with telephonic appliances.

— -Wo have been favoured with a copy of the " ]?few Zealand Government Insurance Department's Quinquennial Report 1880. First Division of Profits. Lyon and Blair, Printers, N.Z. ;" and we must congratulate Lyon and Blair, Printers, N.Z., upon the quite too utter result emanating from their " jS"ow Zealand" establishment. Otago, hide your diminished head ! For long you have attempted to impress upon this colony that Otngo is New Zealand, but now we have it certified (for the royal arms are a sufficient guarantee of the assertion) that Wellington is New Zealand. "Lyon and Blair, Printers, New Zealand," and the royal arms above, must convince the most ardent provineialist, not excepting even ~F. J. Moss, that now at last the bitter truth must be accepted, and the fact allowed and acknowledged, that Wellington is New Zealand. The report before us is " a thing of beauty, and a joy for ever," not, of course, as a report, but as an esthetic production. The only words we can think of to describe it so as at once to bring it to the imagination of our readers who may not have been blessed with a sight of a copy of it, are those which have been given as descriptive of Oscar Wylde's new book of poems — " The cover is consummate, the printing is perfectly precious, and the type and tinting are utterly too." We have one or two criticisms to make on the — well, not to put too fine a point upon it — misleading details contained within the consummate cover, but these we will defer to some future occasion, it would be positively inhuman to criticize the dry details of the report when the Department has been at such pains to supply us with an object of beauty, sweetness, and light. We do, however, regret one thing, '.uul the absence of it iruirs somewhat our aesthetic joy in contemplating this precious volume, and that is that the Department did not issue the report in verse Had they done this, we should have had nothing to wish for. As it is, they have approached almost to our idea of perfection, for the report is produced in a sort of blank verse ; it is, however, only a " sort of," and not the real thing. The idea was evidently to produce a simple idyll that even the " homeyhanded " should be able to run and read, and the model apparently was that dear old nursery rhyme — " Who killed cock robin ?" " I," said the sparrow, '■ With my bow und nrrow, I killed cock robin."

This, we say, "was evidently the idea, but, oh ! what a falling off in the reality. In the report the questions are all put, but, instead of giving the answer, we have — "see page so-and-so," " answer to this in appendix," etc., etc. As, for instance, if the same course had been adopted in the nursery rhyme before mentioned, we should haye —

"Who killed cock robin ?" [Tbe return asked for under this Leading is appended — see pnge 26] .

There is one other question we ■would like to ask, and that is — what was the cost of producing this work of art, and who paid it ? Did the payment come ou<. of the funds of the Goverment Insurance Department ? or was it. or any part of it supplied by the Government Printing-office, and so paid for by the Colony ?

v Strong wen. wept like children, and women soiled, aloud as we lid each other adieu." (Vide John Adams' notes of a royage to JSew Zealand in the ship Zealnndia.)

O, Yb Teahs! Tbey wept mid fell upon each other's necks, And stood, like Niobe, all bathed in tears, That welled adown their cheeks and washed the decks, And flooded all the wooden wharves and piers. The little fishes sighed to see the sight, The big whales blubbered, and the sad, wan waves Bowed all their crested heads in woeful plight. The breezes piped in melancholy staves. Each heart was melting like a piece of wax, Each 'kerchief saturated with the stream ; The strong men bowed their heads and tiirnel their backs, While lovely females fainted with a scream. They thought of bygone days and tete-i-tetes, Of hugs, and mugs, and lips together gumming, And sighed to tbink that in the coming days There'd be an end of all that sweet nyum-nyumming. Acheron.

The following fragment from a nnicli revised version of the Old Testament was picked up in the sacred precincts of the Exchange on Saturday evening last. It is apparently part of a chapter in the Book of Joshua : — "Now ifc came to pass in the days of "Victoria the Queen that their lived in a far country over against the money exchange, which is in the land of Auk, two men. And the one was called Joshua the son of Jaclc, and the other was Dismal, of the tribe of Jones. And they they were scrip changers, and did numerous good works, ]S"ow on the day which is named from Saturn, Dismal visited his friend and said tmto him ' Behold I would know how much those shares of thine cost.' And Joshua replied so much. But Dismal believed him not and said ' Thou Liest.' Jfow when Joshua, the son of Jack, heard these words he grew exceeding wrath, and girding up his loins he smote Dismal on the nose saying, 'Go up, thou blockhead, what knowest thou of these things.' Then did the people collect and stop the fray and Joshua departed to the tents of the tribe of Reid. But Dismal swore a great oath, saying, ' I will be revenged.' So he followed Joshua to the tents of the sons of Reid and smote him hip and thigh. Then there arose a great brawl, and the two fought from the rising of the sun till the going down thereof. But when night was come they could fight no more, for of skin and hair they had none. And the gleaners collected and gleaned the skin and hah*, and they picked up of the fragments that were left twelve baskets full."

The irrepressible Abraham has had a relapse. Just when his friends were fondly hoping that a change for the better had set in, an attack of cacoet7i.es loquendi of a most virulent and malignant typo scattered their hopes to the winds, and the petulant, prosy patient is now causing them, more anxiety and sorrow than ever. It is very sad — very melancholy — the more so as those who have watched the diagnosis in the case of the sufferer, are now convinced that the disease, in his case, may be considered as incurable. Their principal reason for this conviction is based upon the fact that Abraham has recently become the victim of a strange and peculiar hallucination. It takes the form of a fixed impression that the religious, social, and commercial circles of this city are wrapped in profoundest ignorance on subjects most nearly affecting their several interests — that swift and sudden ruin will fall upon the community unless this Cimmerian gloom be dispelled — and that he alone possesses the intellectual torch wherewith to achieve that object.

As most people are aware, the person who is exciting pity and commiseration in our bosoms recently perpetrated the " Grand Tour," and ever since his return has suffered from a chronic, morbid longing to enlighten his benighted felloweitizens on a variety of subjects. The other evening, at the Choral Hall, it appears he felt the burden laid upon him to inform the Eight Rev. Bishop Cowie, the clergy and laity of the Synod, as well as the general orthodox public who were present, how Mother Church in the Old Country was thriving just now. This was considerate, because it is well known that in tho absence of all information and data on this question, the Auckland members of the Church Militant were panting, so to speak, to glean a few scraps of information. Therefore it is clear — quite as clear — as Abraham's pellucid logic, that had he not come to the rescue, the session would have closed, leaving clergy, laity, and parishioners en masse in pitiable ignorance as to matters ecclesiastical in England, and how Mother Church really was getting along these hard times. Those of the audience whom the melancholy maudlin of his monotone had not lulled into tranquil slumber, wore upon their faces at first an expression of interest and curiosity. This presently gave place to a puzzled air, which finally settled into one of pity ! You may observe always the same expression on the faces of benevolent visitors to our Lunatic Asylum.

*» After bis friends liacl seen him carefully home, he appeared a little better, and. the blessed star of Hope once more seemed to dawn in their anxious breasts. But alas ! the star -was only .1 transient illusion. On the morning of Monday last alarming symptoms developed themselves, ■which forboded the return of the complaint in its most aggravated (and aggravating) form. That foreboding was only too weil founded — the worst fears were only too painfully realized ! Taking advantage of a momentarily relaxed vigilance on the part of his friends, this much-to-be-pitied person made his dreaded appearance at the meeting of the South British Insurance Company on Monday afternoon. Still there was no cause for the shareholders to feel at all afraid. The affable chairman knew this, remembering from experience how thoroughly harmless Abraham really " was in the beginning, is now, and ever will be." So that he allowed the poor gentleman to maunder along to the bitter end. When he proposed that the directors should close their country business, and decline risks on anything out of the city, those present did not object to argue the point. ]N T o, they simply shook their heads, and whispered, " Ho\v sad ! "what a pity !" And when he droned out a scheme by which' all Insurance companies should enter into a living bond of brotherhood, and share and share alike, they merely enquired of each other, sotto voce, "Are none of his friends here, poor fellow?" The chairman, with infinite tact, bearing in mind the beneficial effects of tacit acquiesence in such cases, where the sufferer would otherwise be irritated by opposition, humoured his strange fancies. He observed (with just the faintest suspicion of a wink in his dexter optic) that the ex-manager's counsel and advice had ever been unspeakably precious, and that his valued remarks on this occasion would doubtless have their due and

proper weight with the directors. (Precisely so. So they -will). Of course Mr B. must rise to return thanks, whereupon our reporter made a bee-line for the street, humming to himself — And the patriarch still is talking— still is talking, And Ms feet have still possession of the tessellated floor, And his style has all the seeming of a party that is scheming To assume his old position in the management once more ; But methinks that those who know the cunning Abraham of yore, Softly murmur— " Never more."

That highly useful member of society, Mr Faulder, has a grievance of which he has unbosomed himself to one of our staff. He waited the other day on the manager of the Bank of New Zealand by desire, when the latter observed " You discount no bills with us, and many of the bills you lodge with us for collection are dishonoured, giving us a great deal of trouble, and w r e therefore look upon your account as not worth having." " Very good," philosophically remarked the depositor of the obnoxious paper, " I will ■withdraw my account," and from words lie proceeded to business. Mr Faulder lias had an account at the Bank of New Zealand for several years, has always had a floating credit balance of not less than from £700 to £1000, but it seems that he is in the habit of holding his bills till they mature, and then lodging them for collection, thus depriving the bank of the profits of that discount which is so dear to all that class of monetary institutions.

The strong aversion which feminine humanity has for " mice, rats, and such small deer " is proverbial, and many side-splitting stories ai-e extant of the terror and despair with which the female heart lias been assailed upon the sudden appearance of any one of the aforesaid mammalian monsters. One more instance may be given, and it will be all the more acceptable on account of the recency of its occurrence and the fact that the scene of the encounter was not far from Queen-street. It happened in a grocery store about the middle of one sunny afternoon last week, when the lord and master of the household was absent in the pursuits of business, and when the mother and eldest daughter were in sole and undisputed possession of the family rooi'tree. The daughter (a young lady verging towards the end of her 'teens) Avas engaged in the shop, and the maternal parent was busied with domestic concerns, when the latter, rushing excitedly to the side of her alarmed offspring, informed her in a distracted voice and with an hysterical manner that " a savage mouse " was prowling about the dining-room. The shock was dreadful, and, as an awful sense of their lonely and unprotected condition dawned upon the minds of the jeopardised pair, their hearts almost died within them. Restraining by a superhuman effort their agitated feelings, they held a hurried council of war, the result of which was the determination to intimidate the enemy by a strong display of force. Accordingly, the mother procured a broom and a fire-iron, and. the daughter having armed herself "with a bar of soap and an American axe, they both advanced in skirmishing order, and upon tiptoe entered the invaded territory. The rapacious mouse happened to be in the centre of the room at the time, and on the appearance of the hostile forces he skurried "with the greatest possible expedition under the sofa. Hearing the noise, and fearing that the animal was now making its first onset upon them, the warlike females simultaneously dropped their defensive weapons and with a blood-curdling shriek of horror clambered hastily upon the table. They sat well back, so that their nether limbs might not come within reach of the blood-thirsty beast of prey, which they instinctively knew to be crouching under the sofa in readiness for another desperate assault. They sat still with palpitating hearts, hoping that relief would soon come, and in nervous apprehension lest someone should, by entering the shop, make it necessary for one of them to essay the perilous feat of venturing upon the floor. The window-blinds happened to be up, and many passers-by gazed wonderingly in upon the singular spectacle of mother and daughter sitting so conspicuously upon the table. Thus were they beleaguered for fully an hour. Ineffectual attempts were made once or twice to attract the attention of youngsters who were playing about in order to despatch them for assistance, and the agony of suspense had therefore to be endured in silence. It is iinnecessary to relate the circumstances which attended and followed the advent of paterfamilias. Suffice it to say that he was enthusiastically welcomed, and that he succoured his distressed relatives. This is a true story.