THIS WICKED WORLD

Observer, Volume 3, Issue 54, 24 September 1881, Page 20

THIS WICKED WORLD

[Contributions to this column cordially invited. Special arrangements made with, regular correspondents.] — That Success dividend is " coming," and so also is Christmas. — Professoi* Gfusscott, the herbalist, makes it a boast that he has sixteen or seventeen children alive. — It is not a fact that the Herald apologised re that Theatre row. On the contrary, they pitched into the offenders hotter than ever. — Presbyterian church choirs should be careful not to include amongst their members young men of disreputable character. It does not look well. — The Pukeatua people say the pound was erected with the object of driving several settlers out of the district. — The public have been done out of a tussle between two ferry companies, but will no doubt take some interest in the struggle now commenced for the Fiji trade. —Who is the tall, dark young man who is so ! often seen on Friday at Ellerslie, spooning with a girl over the garden-wall, like Pyramus and Thisbe ? — A speculative draper's assistant purchased 100 Success shares at Bs. each several weeks ago, and three or four days later they were only worth ss. fid. But such is life. ■ — -The Auckland cricketers have just discovered that the new paviliom was built on ground to which they hold no title. " That's the way our money goes — pop," &c. — The new manganese bronze propeller "trotted" the Zealandia down from 'Frisco pretty smartly this trip. Twenty days and a few hours for the passage will take some rubbing out. — Madame Blanc, the proprietress of the Monaco gambling hell, died in Savoy recently worth £4,000,000. The same week a widow and her son who had been ruined at the gaming tables committed suicide in their lodgings at Monaco. — Ferning in the Domain is a delightful occupation, and it is wonderful how many young men have of late become devoted students of natural history. The}' study the girls a lot more than they do the ferns, though. — A young lady from Parnell says that she doesn't want the Observer to make her the belle of any more balls, as certain of her feminine friends do not coincide in our dictum. We can quite believe it, "Envy, thou green-eyed monster." — The young man who placed a threatening letter from his tailor into the letter-box of this office in mistake for a good par for the Observed, can have the same by applying to our business manager on Monday between 10 and 12. The " young things " who went to the Thames with Mrs Hampson had a very " nicey-nicey " time of it, and so had the little boys, and so had everybody except those whose mothers wouldn't let them go and catch their death of cold. — There is plenty of quarrelling in the Pukeatua highway district over a pound which the Waitemata County Council has erected there. The matter has been made a personal question, and " war to the knife " will probably be the result. — A great many ladies have signified their intention of being present at St. James's Class on Monday night to hear the " Short speeches on items of female beauty." They threaten to scalp Burton, who speaks on " Hair," if he charges them with wearing what is not their own. — There were some terrible cases of sea-sickness on the Grlenelg when she was doing the football trip. The steward had lots of the "cratur"on board, but the difficulty was to spare time from the deEghtful occupation of feeding the fishes to get down to his pantry. — Some of the suburban larrikins arc practising a nice little game at Ellerslie, holding barebacked races on horses which have been turned out for a spell. It would look awkward for some of the younsters if they were arrested by mounted constable Kelly for horse stealing. — A few evenings ago a young fellow took his girl for a walk in the vicinity of the Auckland Timber Company's sawmill. Next morning imagine his feelings when »n shaking his unmentionables out fell a large centipede. Moral: Don't make love amongst the timber. — Prophet Wood, of the Thames, has for years past, held up 1881 as the occasion for the general smash up of the universe. Hurry up, prophet ! you have only got three months to go and the earth hasn't turned a hair. We are backing the world. Anyone like to bet ? — Two Ponsonby young ladies, who have a Avholesome dread of corpulency, do a good hour's walk every afternoon, in order that they may be considered "slender." "Anti-fat" would be found very effective, and might render the fatiguing tramp unnecessary. Ask Mr Phillips — he knows. — At St. Andrew's last Sunday evening the Bey. Mr Carrick delivered a learned discourse in which " evolution," " the fruitless combination of atoms," and other erudite expressions frequently occurred. Joking apart, it was really good, and we should recommend the Herald to get hold of it for its " Sunday column." — " I ham astonished at the hattitude assumed by the Government. I ham disgusted with their hapathy," remarked Mr Seddon. " Why, you've nothing to complainof ," interjected Pyke, in a stage whisper — "you've had your mouth full of 'ham' for the last half hour." They had been at it all night. — It is said that the new South Pacific Steamship Company intend to offer Captain John Mackay, who went to Sydney a fortnight ago, the command of their island trading steamer. Such a step would be wise. Mac. is plain-spoken, but decidedly popular, and the Fiji people have plenty of confidence in him. He does not lack enterprise either. — People expected some fun in the Lome-street Hall last Sunday night when the redoubtable George A. Brown mounted the stage and confronted the Freethought lecturer, but it was a poor exhibition on both sides. The most amusing

part of tlie affair was' 'to hear Greorge A. talk of "nooklusses," and "iconoclast" speak learnedly of " col-yumcs " — i.e. columns. — It was reported in America when tlie mail left that the assassin Gkiiteau intended, on his trial, to raise the plea, that the President's death was caused by malpractice. This idea was based on the hostife criticisms in the press regarding the treatment by the physicians. — Councillor Allison was awfully delighted at being called upon to preside at the meeting of the Waitemota County Council the other day. It was amusing to hear him call Councillor Bond to "order," and to note at the rate at which he trotted out big words, high-sounding but hackneyed phrases, and peculiar Latin quotations. — An interesting competition took place at the Thames the other day between the two tallest men of the goldfields metropolis, the matter in dispute being who possessed the greatest stature. Mr Joseph Carter, on being measured, was found to be just 6ft. 2in. and his rival, Mr Melrose, half-an-ineh shorter. The wagering was all in small beers. — An organisation avus formed in Washington, to storm the state gaol, seize G-uiteau, and put him to death by torture, but it was frustrated by Colonel Corkliill, who guarded the prison with 1000 soldiers, and a battery of artillery. Gruiteau Avas fearfully anxious watched the bulletins and 1 actually sent a letter asking Greneral Sherman to protect him from the mob. — The Union Company have purchased the old Southern Cross, but heaven alone knows what they are going to do with her. One very Christian young man who went by her to Fiji remarked on returning, " Thank Grod I'm out of that thing. There is only a sheet of brown paper between her and heaven, and I have expected to find myself through that paper several times lately."' _ _ • — Several young ladies burst into Bartlett's studio entrance the other day with the exclamation, " There he is ; how lovely he looks." After they had feasted their eyes and departed, avc glanced at the portion of the show-case indicated by the gushing creatures and found photographs of the Revs. Thomas Spurgwin and Alfred Hitchcock side by side. Query : Which was the favouivd individual ? Y orkshire men, says a writer in one of the English papi'i'ts, succeed bettor in Xcw Zealand than even the canny Scot. Amongst others this worthy mentions as examples are the Hon. John Hall, (he Hon. J. Eollcston, Mr Rhodes, and Mr Conyers. We had a sort of hazy and indistinct recollection of having heard somewhere that Yorkshire men were chiefly distinguished for their skill in finding halters — with horses at the end of them. — The St. Matthew's folk have held tlie last of their series of entertainments in St. James' Hall, and we now are informed that the sacred edifice will never again be let for such ungodly purposes — not even to another church, nor even if a real live parson appears in the play. The St. James' Hall is one of the best in Auckland, and yet — " Oh, use it for a Sunday-school ; 'twas really built for one !" — A hint to those about to use the telephone : Be sure you are " connected " with the man you wish to speak with. Quite recently, at Christchurch, an elder of the kirk applied some very naughty words to a defaulting debtor, as he thought. But it subsequently transpired that he had been by mistake connected with the Manse. The astonishment of the clergyman on hearing such language from Elder J. can be better imagined than described. — The Saturday night preaching season has again set in. Last Saturday tlie Plymouths, led by titling, took up the parable and opened their mouths at the corner of Wellesley-street. At the close, the leader was tackled by an unbeliever. After parrying a few preliminary cuts of the sceptic, the gutter apostle received several homethrusts that caused him to remember it was time for him to go home, and he left, saying that he would be happy to meet his friend at a more convenient season. — " Then; are books in the library," said Major Harris, " that should be burnt." " Name them," exclaimed Mr Oliver, whose literary knowledge is very slight. " No, I will not," replied Harris, " because if I did so, you would immediately go for them." One of the naughtiest of naughty books was missed for a long time from the Assembly library, and was at length traced to a distinguished clergyman. He said he took charge of it to prevent temptation. — A Shortland-crescent shopkeeper has invented an ingenious contrivance for giving a hint to his friends not to loaf about his shop in business hours. A hole is bored in the counter and through this a needle protrudes its acute point and can be made to work with great power by means of mechanism concealed beneath the counter. The only place to sit down is in the shop is about a square foot of the counter, and people don't loaf about the shop so much now as they used. — Last Sunday afternoon two young men might have been seen gaily whirling along Queen-street in. a buggy. A portion of the harness was secured by a piece of clothes-line and the hood of the vehicle was in tatters. Those young men had evidently had a spill, and were no doubt in some tribulation as to the reception they would meet with at the livery stable. Mrs P. has made a note of it as a striking example of the dangers attending Sunday travelling. — An assistant in a store not one thousand miles from the upper part of Queen-street is seriously considering whether he should not make his will. On a recent morning, he commenced his daily duties feeling slightly unwell. A lady customer dropped in during the forenoon, and after sympathising with him on his miserable appearance, remai'ked, " Oh, Mr Blank, you look just as if you had. consumption." Half-an-hour later he was still reflecting on the comforting intelligence when — strange coincidence — an undertaker called | and left his card. — H.M.S. Customs launch (now everybody must not know this) had a very narrow escape from wreckage on her last trip to the quarantine station. Captain P. took her rather close to the beach, and everybody went ashore. Returning after some little time had elapsed, they found the old kerosene-tin rooting the sand up like a " good 'un," and rising and falling with successive waves, each time receiving a terrible

shock. After: some moments of terrible anxiety the craft was -got clear and sailed for Auckland. We don't think this was recorded in tbe log, anyhow. — The amount collected at the laying of the foundation stone of the Eoman Catholic St. Benedicts' Church was £160. Whilst on this subject we may remark that the statement that Mr Comisky was the largest contributor at the ceremony was erroneous. Mr P. Darby, who gave £20 deserves that honor. The mistake appears to have arisen from the fact that when the proposal to erect the church was under consideration, the three largest donors were, Mr Cosgrave, Dr Lee, and Mr Comisky, who gave each £50, while Mr Brophy gave £40. — When the alterations at the Thistle are com.' plete the house will be the most perfectly luxurious hotel in the town. The present billiard-room is to be converted into a reading room and lounge, where sporting papers from all parts of the world can be read and a sporting reference library (which Mick intends shall be a " a feature ") consulted. ■ Downstairs there are to be vaults on the "Bodega" system, where a glass of sherry or port from the wood can be tipped off preceded by a dry biscuit or iin olive to give it a flavour. Other extensive alterations are also in prospect, particulars of which will be given next week. — The great event of last week at Onehunga was the marriage of a young lady who resided near the wharf. Despite the supposed secrecy of the affair St. Peter's was crowded. Quite a procession of the dear curious young things followed the couple from the church, and one stalwart daughter of Anak, standing 6ft. 3ins" without her high-heeled twelve buttoners, in theact of stepping on to the footpath, was tripped up by her pull-back, amidst many blushes, and a few laughs. Two young ladies rushed to the rescue, and reared her ujjon her legs, and a few minutes later she was seen to be making a beeline for home at six miles an hour, fair heel and toe. — A daring member of the Society of artistes cV Industrie created intense excitement at the Northern Club the other day. Seizing a favourable opportunity when the lobby was empty he entered by the front door, and proceeded with methodical skill of an expert to remove all the ulsters and overcoats from the pegs and was making oft with his booty, when he was observed, and a hue and cry raised. Being hotly pursued he dropped the " swag " behind the Clubhouse, made good his retreat, and has since eluded detection. Strict secrecy has been maintained about this escapade, but a little bird has whispered the particulars to us. — Most of the public offices will be included in the telephone exchange. Here is a sample of what you will hear if you attentively jam your ear against a handy telegraph post. From the City Council Chambers : " The very idea of worrying about such a matter. lam an important official and can't be bothered by such canaille. Go about your business." From the Post-office : " No letters for you." From the Deputy Collector's room of the Custom-house (a genuine civil servant speaking) : " Certainly, sir, I shall be happy to give you any information that lies in my power. Grood day, sir." From the office of the Crown Lands Commissioner : " I cannot do it now, but I'll see to it as soon as possible. No, not the slightest trouble in the world. Beautiful afternoon." From the above the public will learn where to expect civility and — but there, what can you expect from a pig but a grunt. — The poet of the Melbourne Bulletin having been trying his hand amongst the muses, the laureate of this office. has been induced to emulate him. He entitles the following little ditty : — "A Kyber Pass Reminiscence." Only a room in an attic Only two lovers there Only the girl on the sofa Only the chap in the chair Only a change of position Only kisses galore Only a parent list'ning At the leeward side of the door Only a hurried entry Only an order " to clear " Only an angry refusal Only a slap on the ear Only a hedroom at Newton Only a young man in bed Only bunged-up peepers Only a pain in the head — The electoral atmosphere of New Zealand is in a state of groat commotion just now. Every day we hear of some fresh candidates anxious to stand up and represent their bleeding country. Colonel Fraser is announced as a " probable" for Tauranga, and as he has many friends on the coast will make matters pretty lively for any lqcal aspirants. Mr W. McCullough, the popular proprietor of the Thames Star is going to have a shot for the goldfields constituency, and should have no difficulty in securing a seat. His long residence in the district, thorough acquaintance with its wants, and good, soimd, common sense admirably qualify him for the position. He has stuck to the Thames through thick and thin, and is not one of that numerous class of politicians " who want their country saved, but want some one else to save it." Carpet baggers aiid professional politicians have been weighed in the balance and found wanting, and men of substance and action are wanted to replace the empty wind bags who just now so incommode the political arena. — In a certain highway district not far from Auckland, the settlers were astonished at the frequency Avith which their cattle were impounded. There was nothing peculiarly enchanting about the pound, and certainly nothing particularly fascinating about the pound-keeper to render him an object of tender solicitude to even the most romantic of the bovine species. Yet their affection for him was apparently of so powerful a nature that day after day numbers of them appeared to deliberately impound themselves, and of course could not be released till the fees were paid. At several successive highway meetings, the query, " Why do the cattle stray, and the sheep imagine vain things in the pound ?" was the " burning question " before which all others " paled their ineffectual fires." The master-minds of the district, including the pedagogue and the parson, found the mystery too great for even their mighty intellects. At length, when a solution of the enigma seemed impossible, a "nipper" of ten years of age, stricken -with sudden remorse, confessed to the parson that he with others of his ilk received from the pound-keeper twopence or

threepence for every animal tliey succeeded in impounding. The settlers have been so much struck with the keeper's ingenuity in " turning an honest penny " that they have recommended him to seek a wider field of operations, and relieved him of the charge of the pound in order that he may act on their advice at once. — The Mormons tried the faith remedy the other day. A young girl wounded her foot in some way, and the medical advice of the saints being sought, the elders in accordance with Scriptural injunctions laid their hands on the foot, "anointed it with oil, and wrestled in prayer. There is no doubt that after this the foot should have got better, but it didn't. The elders came again. More hands, more oil, more prayer — foot worse. Then the method of treatment was altered. A dose of prayer was given first, then the oil, and last the hands — same result. Another change : oil, hands, prayer— foot worse. Then they tried hands, oil, prayer ; then prayer, hands, oil ; then oil, prayer, hands — foot worse. Each dose was then double-banked, and the whole course of treatment gone through again. Still the foot kicked against the Bible method, and the wound, which if ordinary medical treatment had been secured at first might have been cured in a. few days, delelopcd to such an alarming extent that it was found necessary to amputate the foot, and the unfortunate girl is thus a cripple for life. "Why was your treatment not suceesssful P" the elders were asked. "Because we had not sufficient faith" was the eminently satisfactory and Scriptural reply. Positive fact !