HINDOO CALISTHENICS

Observer, Volume 3, Issue 54, 24 September 1881, Page 24

HINDOO CALISTHENICS

Or, The Row at a Ponsonby

Seminary.

Miss McStixger had a new idea!

Not that original ideas -were strange to Miss McStinger. Quite otherwise. For Miss MeS. was a woman with a mmd — a reflective woman — a female of vast erudition and extensive scholarly attainments. In fact, to the mind of Miss McS. itself, Miss McStinger was nothing less than an original genius, albeit much unappreciated. But then a prophetess is without honour .in her own country, and Miss McStinger's genius in Ponsonby or Epsom, or wherever it was, was like a flower born to blush unseen and waste its sweetness on the desert air. But, as abovementioned, Miss McStinger had a new idea ! She had been reading the Evening Star supplement by her cozy fireside (for Miss McStinger always read the papers, especially when some fugitive piece of her own, with the signature of " Aristobula," appeared in " The Poets' Comer)." The particular item that attracted the attention of Miss McStinger was a paragraph with the heading " HOW HINDOO GIRLS ARE 3IADE STRAIGHT." Miss McS. had never beheld a Hindoo girl in her life, but she had seen oleographs of 'em attired in that scanty costume which the climate of India's coral strand renders necessary, and had come to the conclusion that the average young lady of the East was no better than she should be." The paragraph in question set out by eulogising the grace and exquisite forms of the Hindoo girls, which was attributed to the fact that from their earliest childhood they are accustomed to bear poised on their heads jars containing the water for family use, an exercise which strengthens the muscles of their backs and causes the chest to be thrown forward. The paragraph went on to state that the eminent Dr H. Spry had recommended this exercise for boardingschools instead of dumb-bells, backboards, and skipping-ropes, and that the young ladies ought to be taught to carry the jar as the Hindoo women do, without ever touching it with their hands. Having carefully read this item over several times, Miss McStinger took a pair of scissors from her pocket, clipped out the para- j graph, and gummed it in her "Household Scrapbook " with great method and deliberation. And then Miss McStinger, as was her wont, I proceeded to reflect on the thing. Now it happened that the contents of the two big watertanks at Miss McStinger's seminary had been exhausted by the large demands made upon them for the young ladies' matudinal baths and the continual scrubbing operations that went on under her own immediate superintendence, cleanliness, next "to thorough tuition, careful moral training, and all the advantages of a home, being one of the chief recommendations of the establishment. Moreover, Miss McStinger's ■ gardener, Bill Mowers, ■ otherwise called "William," had been severely put to it of late to supply enough water for culinery purposes alone,

and. Miss McStinger had been obliged to organise expeditions to the public baths (at a reduction all round) whenever those nasty men could be induced to give up their monopoly on certain days of the week. But now, as already remarked, Miss McStinger was struck with a new idea ! To conceive a plan and to cany it into execution were with that . estimable spinster like cause and effect. Forming in her mind's eye a picture of the fifteen young ladies to whom she was more than a mother, as they appeared at the regular morning parades, Miss McStinger drew a mental comparison between the graceful and exquisitelyformed Hindoo girls, with their strong back muscles, expanded chests, erect and elastic gait, and finely .poised heads, and the aforesaid fifteen. She sighed as she meditated on the slovenly and ungainly attitudes of the Misses Adelina Wilhelmina Crump, Viola Giovanna Biggs, and Florence Clementia Penelope Dibbles ; she sighed still more deeply as she thought of the weak back muscles and flat chests of the Misses Paulina Theodosia Scoggs, Leonora Fredelinda Muggins, and Ethelreda Brigetta Annabella Smith; and the sighs deepened into groans as she conjured up before her the spectral figures of the Misses Alexandrina Cassandra "Wiggins, Madaline Sapphira Flipper, and Clementina Dulsibella Sigismunda Mary Brown, with their heads all on one side and their shambling gait. The .inward monitor of Miss McStinger reproached her for neglect of duty. But having taken her customary gruel, with a slight dash of port wine, extinguished the dying embers in the grate with the water from the kettle, and ascertained that the watch-dog maintained his habitual vigilance, Miss McStinger sought her virtuous couch and revelled all night in confused phantasies of Hindoo water-carriers, as stiff and erect as grenadiers, marching in single file and bearing enormous pitchers on their heads, her own fifteen young ladies bringing up the rear. Next morning there was unwonted bustle and excitement in Miss McStinger's seminary for young ladies. The female domestic had been busily engaged mustering up all the water-jugs and parading them like soldiers in a row in the hall. But all the resources of the establishment having been laid under contribution, and the number of water-jugs having proved insufficient, other utensils of a nondescript design and character were pressed into the service. When Miss McStinger had an idea she was not to be deterred by difficulties. When she made a levy to meet an extraordinary emergency she called out all her reserves. If Miss McStinger had conceived the idea of crossing the Alps or ascending Mount Egmont, she would have strained every nerve to carry it to a successful conclusion, for Miss McStinger was no ordinary woman. When the butcher called at the seminary at a later hour to receive Miss McStinger's esteemed commands, he strained his eyes and mouth at the extraordinary spectacle that presented itself to his astonished gaze. The whole of the fifteen young ladies, each bearing in her hand a domestic utensil, were marching in procession to the neighbouring creek, the solemnity of the proceedings being broken only by an occasional titter from the Misses Crump and Muggins, a lurch out of the strict perpendicular by the Misses Biggs and Dibbles, or a whispered expression of curiosity as to where they were all going to from the Misses Brown and Seroggs, which breaches of discipline were promptly suppressed by Miss McStinger, who, armed with the " Household Scrap Book, strode with majestic step and erect figure, like a commander-in-chief, on the left of the procession. Arrived at the scene of operations, Miss McStinger proceeded to develop her plans with all the methodical nicety of a military campaign. Forming her forces into line, she read the paragraph "How Hindoo Girls are Made Straight " like a brigade-major reading the orders of the day, interspersing such appropriate remarks as appeared to apply to the present circumstances j and finally wound up by imparting a few plain and simple directions on the programme to be carried out. At the word of command " Fill," the water-jugs and other utensils were simultaneously filled from the creek, and the young ladies resumed their former order in single file. Then followed in rapid succession the commands "Balance jugs," "Hands down," "March." To give a minute description of the concatenation of events that followed would occupy too much space. Miss Adelina Wilhelnnia Crump stubbed her toe against a stump of ti-tree, causing her to make a lurch against Miss Ethelrelda Brigetta Annabella Smith, who made a frantic endeavour to maintain her perpendicular by clutching at the back -hair of Miss Madelina Sapphira Flipper, but the said back-hair "parting" with the strain, the utensil on Miss Flipper's head came with it and fell in a wreck on the ground, the water running down Miss Flipper's back, and completely saturating the front of Miss Smith's new dress. Simultaneously Miss Dibbles, who was immediately behind Miss Crump, was, as it were, brought up all standing by the tightness of her pull-back, causing the rearward files, the Misses Biggs, Muggins, and Brown, to collide against each other with great violence. Just at that juncture, too, the leading files — the Misses Wiggins, Seroggs, Jenkins, Binks, and Podger turned round to see what had happened, and in that fatal moment lost their presence of mind and began to claw each other for support. The result was a catastrophe. Several of the young ladies fell together in a heap, amidst a great crash of jugs and other utensils, and splashing of water, and the other yoking ladies, after a frantic struggle to maintain an upright posture and to hold the jugs on their heads, were obliged to succumb to the force of circumstances. The tableau which met the blushing gaze of the youthful butcher was very animated and striking. Fifteen young ladies struggled together on the ground fov a brief space, and" then rose a spectacle to gods and men. The inuslins of the Misses Crump and Smith were a sad week ; the grenadines of the Misses Dibble, Biggs, and Muggins were completely spoiled ; Miss Wiggins had lost her pull-back, Miss Podger her backihair, and the faces of the Misses Jenkinks, Binks, and Seroggs bore traces <sf scratches, while all bore marks of the fray in the shape of mud. The ground was covered with fragments of broken delf and other debris. The whole scene was sad and humiliating, and, as if to lacerate the already wounded f eelings of Miss McStinger, the young ladies broke out into one loud chorus of

merry laughter and .ran off helter-skelter to their rooms. The cook, hearing the unwonted noise, lost her presence of mind and upset a pan of dripping in the fire. A young man who was passing %> observing a great smoke issuing from the chimney, and in the prevailing excitement, divining that the house was on- lire, promply ran to the nearest firebell and raised an alarm, which brought the fire-brigade, a posse of police, and a great concourse of people, many of whom rushed about the apartments, and caused considerable destruction to the furniture before Miss McStingcr had time to explain the situation. Moreover, when peace had been restored, it was discovered that many .small articles of jewellery and other unconsidered trifles had gone astray, and, to crown all, the unfortunate victim of an idea was summoned for allowing her chimney to catch fire, and heavily fined, not to mention the heavy solicitor's costs. Such were the lamentable results of Miss McStinger's first experiment in Hindoo Calisthenics. But Miss McStinger, as already stated, is not a woman to be turned from her set purpose by trifling obstacles. Miss McStinger now has another new idea. She believes that the strong back-nmsclcs and graceful gait of the Hindoo girls are not produced by carrying eartheirware utensils on their heads, but bronze jars, and in pursuance of this belief she has ordered from a local tinsmith a supply of tin vessels of classic design, to be painted a bronze colour. The attendance at Miss McStinger's seminary has seriously fallen off of late, which she attributes to a prejudice against modern progress and original ideas. When she goes out people stop in the streets and regard her with mingled curiosity and amusement, sometimes significantly tapping their foreheads and exclaiming, " Poor thing," all of which that strong-minded female mistakes for fame. Miss McStinger is still hard at work on Hindoo Calisthenics, and has developed many entirely new and original ideas on the subject.