THe Observer

Observer, Volume 2, Issue 52, 10 September 1881, Page 608

THe Observer

Saturday, September 10th, 1881

This is the Observer's fifty second issue, and consequently closes the first year of the paper's existence. We feel some pride in announcing that during the twelvemonth our circulation (which was 3000 to begin with) has just doubled, and that never was the Observer more prosperous, financially and otherwise, than at the pi-esent time. Looking back, we can of course see many sins of both omission and commission which might, with greater care, have been avoided ; hxxt if these injured us more or less at the time they also taught the editor something, and, as Mrs Gramp would say, "Experientia does it."

When the Observer first came out there were many who said, " Very smart, very amusing, but they'll never be able to keep it up ; the place isn't large enough." We must admit having more than once felt forbodeings of a similar kind ourselves, but they were quite unnecessary. Despite the comparative smallness of the population, there is a perennial flow of interesting social, as well as general, news in Auckland ; and anyone who cares to take the trouble to compare the early numbers of the Observer with those of the last few weeks will see how infinitely the balance of literary superiority is in favour of the latter. Whilst we are on this subject, we should like to say a word or two about what we conceive to be the duties of a society journalist. Some people appear to imagine that editors of this description of paper are mere literary scavengers who pick up any unsavory morsel of scandal they find lying about, and blazon it forth to the world without rhyme or reason. If they knew the truth they would feel very differently. It is certainly a fact that a good deal of ill-natured gossip reaches us from one source or another, but we don't use a tenth of it. There are a number of regular paid contributors whoso "copy" (unless there is something very striking in it) the editor passes on to the printer withoxit serious excision or modification. These persons are all either experienced pressmen, or gentlemen and ladies, holding recognised positions in Auckland. They know the rules of the Observer, i.e., that nothing purposely malevolent or calculated, to injure any person whatever must be sent in for publication, and they are also aware that to break this law means "mo more ' copy ' accepted" During the past twelvemonth we have had on two occasions to forward the garment called the " sack " to erring scribes, and have thereby secured their dire and probably unending hatred. Still the rule is a good one, and will be maintained ; indeed it is the only means by which we can prevent folks making a tool of the paper to vent their spleen on enemies. In addition to the regular paid contributors there are a number of casual ones, who now and again, send any "good thing" that comes to their knowledge. We are very much obliged to

these ladies and gentlemen, and hope for a continuance of similar favours, etc., etc. They must not, however, be confounded with the thousand and one amiable correspondents who think the Observer a favourable vehicle through ■which to "'aye a slap at Dick or Harry." The work of these interesting individuals goes into the waste-paper basket, though we now and then keep a letter or two for the purpose of comparing handwritings.

The first society journal was started by three very clever men — Edmund Yates, Henry Labouchere, and Henry W. Lucy. They saw, or rather thought they saw, that a journal which, in addition to describing all the balls, parties, concerts, theatricals, and leading social reunions of the day, touched lightly and satirically on current events and recorded the gossip and bon mots which are the salt of conversation, would tickle the popular palate — and they were right. Within six months months both Lucy and Labouchere had seceded from Yates and started journals of their own on the same model as the World, and all three papers are now thriving properties. The smaller the town, the more circumscribed is the field over which the society journalist can roam. This must account for the triviality of some of the paragraphs which occasionally find their way into our columns. The Sydney Bulletin- may think it very absurd for us to chronicle that Brown or Jones has left Auckland for Dunedin, but, strange us it may seem, the fact interests the man's friends, many of whom may not have heard of his departure. At auy rate, it is bettor than presenting our readers with a rechauff'ee of the news in the daily papers, as the Bulletin does.

The meeting held by the Auckland hotelkcepers to discuss the propriety of subsidising one of the weekly papers as a Licensed Yictviallera' Gazette resulted in a most melancholy " fizzle." Only eight publicans turned up at all, and these were unanimously against any money being sjjent for such a ridiculous purpose. It is ruuioiired now that the rejected tenderer is canvassing the publicans separately, to see if a little cash can't be obtained from individual members. Whether any of them have consented to be "had" has not as yet transpired.

A correspondent writes : — Respecting Scottish Sabbatarianism I may relate the following very little known anecdote. Some forty years ago the railroad between Edinburgh and Glasgow was opened, and in due course a Sunday train morning and evening was despatched. The clergymen in the " Modern Athens" at once girded up their loins and began a crusade against train running on the seventh day : public meetings were held, and earthquakes and other calamities foretold to follow if the train started. The day came, and near the railway station a clergyman had posted himself to warn all intending pasengers of their doom. Large placards, also, with " Going to H — l by steam " were plastered everywhere about the town, but yet the train started and arrived at Glasgow all safe. • It returned the same afternoon, with a large flag flying, on which the following scroll appeared, " Arrived safe from H — l." The laugh was turned against the " unco quid," and from that time till now, the departure or arrival of ti'nins on Sunday lias jsrovoked no comment.

Some queer incidents transpire occasionally at the office of the Registrar of Births, Deaths, and Marriages." A week or two since a young man from the country, with an accent strongly suggestive of " parritch and kilts," called at Mr Way land's sanctum, and in a very elated manner took out a certificate. He returned a few days later, looking quite woe-begone and dejected. From the recesses of a capacious trousers' pocket lie drew forth the formal document, now all creased and crumpled, and, having acquainted Mr Way land with the sorrowful intelligence that the young lady of his choice would not have him, requested the return of his " siller." The Registrar could not see that he was called upon to receive back the "lines " or to yield up the coin, and the canny Scot, after vainly endeavouring to bring him to a perception of the legitimacy of such an exchange, left vowing vengeance against the cruel fair one who had enslaved and jilted him.

•Thanks to the efforts of an unhappy father and elder brother, a scandal which would have revealed one of the seamiest sides of night life in Auckland has been hushed up, and the culprit — a wellmeaning youngster, unfortunate rather than wicked — allowed to go free. The lad was a clerk in an insurance office, and from what we can hear did his work honestly and well. If he had been interested in some sensible amusement after business hours, he might have developed into a prosperous member of society; but his friends allowed him to do pretty much as he liked, and his tastes — after the manner of the generality of colonial youths — led him into billiard rooms and bar parlours. In these quiet retreats, and similar elysiunis for tired bxisiness men, the lad acquired a fine taste for spirituous liquors, and learnt the ABO of gambling. Being a daring player, and a good hand at billiards, he was soon known as a

confirmed speculator, and at first appeared to -win largely. Those who saw beneath the cards had, however, small belief in the boy's hick lasting, and about six weeks ago a well-known hotel-keeper pointed him out to us, with the remark, " That youngster is on his way to Mount Eden Stockade." "Is there nothing can be done to save him ? " we asked, when an explanation had been vouchsafed. " No," was the reply, " he's too desperate altogether ! " "Well, soon after this the crisis came. It boots not to tell the names of the various sharpers who relieved the young gentleman of his cash, and drove him to desperate measures ; suffice it to say one morning he was non est, and the Insurance Company soon discovered the reason of their clerk's strange, disappearance in a startling deficit. Detectives were at once scut for, likewise the unfortunate's father, and after considerable discussion the latter was allowed to make good the Company's loss, and. save his son's reputation. Search was then made for the culprit himself, and on his being tracked to Napier, an elder brother went down there and fetched him home. The boy is now suffering from the fruits of his folly, but seems very penitent, and has doubtless made many excellent resolutions for the future.

Our main object in mentioning this painful affair is, however, to enquire whether the scoundrels who were mainly instrumental in ruining this young fellow are "to get off scot free. The detectives must surely know the quiet publichouses, away from the busy hum of Queen-street, at which the principal gambling carouses took place ; and when licensing day comes round again, a black mark should be chalked up against them. Because the Thistle, the Occidental, and the United Service are frequented by the members of Tattersall's and other betting men, many of the outside public think of them whenever gambling is mentioned. As a matter of fact, however, these are the very hotels where a " flutter " is altogether unknown. The worst homes of dicing and cardplaying are quiet pubs, iip town, where outsiders seldom come, but at which a " leetle game " can always be obtained, jfo;* a consideration.

A sad catastrophe has occurred : the Associate of Arts is no longer an associate of " tarts." Remuera knows him not ; the Mayor lias heartlessly " cut " his quondam protege ; and the " scrumptioiis females" on whose charms he erstwhile so glibly dilated now pass him by on the other side. Of course, a gross injustice is at the bottom of all this unkind conduct. Herbert Claude is too true a gentleman to do anything unbecoming a graduate of Oxford and one of Nature's noblemen ; and the wretched minion of the law, who on Saturday last mistook some very natural agitation, superinduced by delivering an arduous lecture, for uproarious drunkenness, must be made to suffer for his stupid blunder. True, Herbert's conduct and condition were justaleetle, a very leetle peculiar. On being locked up, he kept the cells lively by alternately bawling ribald songs at the top of his voice, and reciting extracts from his lecture on Chaucer. ~&o doubt a very natural desire to improve the minds of the constables was at the bottom of this last j>roceeding ; but- the effect appears to have been somewhat marred by threats as to what " my friend Brett " would do on learning of his sad situation. A night's repose slightly modified Herbert Claude's indisposition, and on Sunday morning lie had sufficiently recovered to offer the lock-up keeper a cheque for £100 in return for liberty. Constable McClellan, however, declined the tempting bribe. Perhaps he was too honest to accept such a splendid present, or perhaps he felt some doubts about the draft being honoured. Be that as it may, the unfortunate musical critic lay in durance vile till 8 p.m. on Sunday night, at which hoiir his relatives (who do not appear to have been in any very violent hurry to release the disconsolate A.A.) bailed him out.

A good story, illustrating how easily a susceptible young policeman may be taken in, has been related to us. One of the most recent additions to the police force in Auckland is a beardless and exceedingly modest constable named 8., "who is familiarly known amongst his blue-coated comrades as " Bismarck." He was on duty one night last week, when he discovered a well-known but decidedly disreputable character named Sarah Ann Home, misconducting herself in a public thoroughfare. Constable B. is only a " newchum" in Auckland, and he was therefore not aware of the unenviable reputation which the young "lady" in question bore. However, he •was compelled blushingly to take her into custody on a charge of drunkenness and disorderly conduct, and proceeded in the direction of the

station with his fair charge. He had only gone a very short distance when she suddenly collapsed into a dead faint. The susceptible yoi'mg policeman was in a dilemma, and his tender heart was torn with grief at the unfortunate position of the erring creature. He did not doubt that the faint was the result of shame at being in custody on such a charge, and he sympathised accordingly. But he had his duty to perform, and he decided that it should be a first consideration. Carefully depositing her on the cold ground, he ran with all possible speed to the nearest pump, where he filled his new hat with water. Satisfied that the application of aquapura would restore her to life, he hurried back to the spot where he had left her. But, alas, for the frailty of human nature, and the frequency of misplaced confidence, the prisoner was gone, and it gradually dawned on the mind of the constable that the faint had been a sham, and that he had beeu properly " hud " by an "unsophisticated girl. 1 ' The sudden revulsion of feeling was strong, and we have not space at our disposal for the publication of the adjectives which were made use of by Bismarck. He blew his whistle, obtained the assistance of other members of the force, and made a diligent search, but all without success. The bird had ttown, and, although she could easily have been found next day, it was too late, for no charge could then be brought against her.

Young Skinflint has been at it again. Invited to form one of a party of young men -who were arranging a social ball on the " division of expenses" principle, he gladly availed himself of the chance, and on the eventful night blossomed forth in a full dress suit. The fun vras kept up all night, and S. enjoyed himself. When the party was breaking up ho sauntered over to the secretary, and, aftor remarking that as in all such affairs there were a few unconscionable defaulters lie hud resolved to make his subscription larger, and in consequence graciously tendered a florin as his share. The preliminary speech had prepared the secretary for a handsome donation, and his unbounded astonishment at the presentation of two shillings may well be imagined. '.Recovering from the effects of the sensation, he requested the " gay and festive " S. to put up his extravagant subscription, as his proportion of the expenses would in all probability make a much heavier demand upon his purse. S. thereupon departed in great dejection of spirit, and has not been seen to smile since. We have before us three reports on the Government Insurance Department. First, the Government Actuaries' report. Second, the Government Commissioners report. Third, the London Actuaries' report, We have placed these reports side by side, and by incorporating the three, that is, by taking from one to make up the deficiencies in another, we have been enabled to ascertain that our former strictures on the Government Insurance Department ai*c fully endorsed by the three writers of those reports", i.e., that they have unwittingly admitted to all those who care to analyse their various statements, that the Government Insurance Department is, asweliave always said it was, a commercial abortion and a perfect parody on insurance business. The London Actuaries, it will be understood, were entrusted to summarise the whole work of the Government Department and report on its financial position and prospects from the date of their last report — June 1875 up to June 1880. In order to allow of their doing this it was of course necessary that they should have been supplied with the most detailed information. As a matter of course this was not supplied them, and our readers will not be surprised to find that the report opens with a groan, to the effect that although the books of the department were closed in lS~ew Zealand in June 1880, the actuaries were not placed in possession of the whole of the papers required for investigation until the 23rd February, 1881. This is a sample of the despatch used in this department, so gloated over by the Great Mogul recently from his seat in Parliament. We will spare our readers the actuaries figures, and proceed to their report on the details of the institution itself. They say " The average duration of contracts is too short, and the average of the lives too low to enable them to arrive at any trustworthy conclusions as to the rate of mortality that will prevail in future among the assured ;" which, in simple English, means that the Government Insurance Department has not been sufficiently long in existence for them to give any reliable report.

They then go on to say : — " As on the occasion of the last valuation there is no definite information respecting the death-rate that may be expected to prevail among the assured lives in New Zealand, nor any mortality statistics for the Colony generally, available for the purpose of the present investigations. From such tests, however, as they have been able to make, there does not apjiear to he any great difference between the general mortality experienced in the last quinquennium amongst the lives assured under table I. and similar lives in England." We "would ask our readers to mark well the sentence we have italicised. There docs not appear to be any great difference between the mortality experienced in the last quinquennium in this new insurance department of New Zealand with its newly-selected lives and that experienced in other English offices. There is no great difference, but there is evidently a difference, and we should like to know whether the difference is against, or for us. We could quite understand the English actuaries saying, " There is, of course, a very remarkable difference in your favour in regard to your quinquiennial death-rate, as compared with the English offices, no doubt owing to the extreme salubrity of your climate, the newness of the institution itself, and the low average of the lives." But what do we find them saying ? Why, this, that notwithstanding everything the New Zealand institution has in its favour, there does not appear to be any great differenco between its death-rate and the death-rate at home. What difference there is, may or may not be in our favour. If it be in our favour, it is a pity the actuaries did not say so. If (as we suspect) it is against us, they have exercised a discreet silence.

Now, in order to supplement the London Actuaries report, and see if we can, by any means, clear away the fog they are enveloped in, concerning the death-rate, let us turn to the G-overnment Actuary's report, presented to Parliament this session. In it, he acknowledges that " a large number of deaths have arisen directly or indirectly from intemperance, also, that many deaths have occurred from consumption or other diseases which ought to have been detected at the time of ajjplication for policy." Here, then, is the reason that there is no great difference in the death-rate here and at home, and we can fancy the dismay of the English Actuaries when they peruse the report of Mr Godfrey Knight. They will naturally say, " How on earth are we to be expected to give a trustworthy and reliable report upon your Insurance Department, if you insure consumptive people and drunkards ?"

It is, however, to Mr Ltickie's, the Commissioner's report that we liave to look to for amusement. This gentleman doesn't, of course, know very much about his business, and at the same time his memory has not saved him from putting his foot into it. In his report of 1878-79 he says, " The subjoined table shows the number of policies discontinued during the year. These have been unusxially large, especially in the number of lapsed policies, a circumstance due chiefly to the stagnation in business, and the consequent scarcity o£ money wliich marked the year. The lapses and surrenders are 464. The death claims show a larger mortality than has occurred in the experience of the department in any one year." This year we find him delivering himself as follows : " The ratio of mortality continues greatly •under the average expectance." This is, of course, '•intelligent enthusiasm," for if in 1878-79 the death-rate showed a larger mortality than has occurred, etc., etc., s it is strange that in 1880-81 the ratio of mortality should continue greatly under, etc., etc. The cause of it continuing "greatly under" is perhaps accounted for by the fact explained by Mr Knight, that they insured a large number of consumptives and drunkards, risks that should never have been taken. If (as according to Mr Luckie) the death-rate for 1880-81 continued as in former years, it would be " greatly over" and not " greatly under" what it ought to be. However, Mr Luckie has something to say this year concerning the lapses and surrenders, which now tot up to the goodly number of 938. He says, " The number of discontinuances shows an increase, mainly due to the inability of the insurers to keep up their policies, owing to the commercial depression." It will be observed that the " stagnation iv business" which, according to Mr Luckie, marked the period 1878-79, and which, had such dire effect on the Government Insurance Department, was continued on through 1879-80, and appeal's with still more disastrous results as " commercial depression" in 1880-81. "We think the Commissioner ought to be indicted for libelling the colony, for it is not a fact that the Government lapses and surrenders are caused by a long, continual depression. They are caused by the policy-holders getting their eyes opened, and leaving the Government to re-insure with other offices.

The Commissioner congratulates the public upon the fact that " the expenses of management absorb only about 15 per cent of the income, being only half tho cost of private offices of the same age, and less than some companies twenty years older." Now, to appreciate this statement, it must be remembered that in instituting comparisons between themselves and other insurance societies, the Government have invariably singled out the Australian Mutual Provident Society, as the one best suited for comparison, partly because it is the one that stands highest in public opinion, and is their chief rival in this colony, and partly because they could institute false comparisons with impunity, the A.M.P. Society seldom caring to correct false statements made concerning them by rival institutions. Well, what do we find is the expense of management of the A.M.P. Society ? positively under ten per cent, so that the G-overn-ment institution, with all its advantage in the way of free offices, free printing, free postage, etc., and. low commissions, is unable even to compete in the matter of expenses with the A.M.P. Society.

— Not many years ago there resided in a Northern town a publican whom we will call A. He carried on jointly the business of publican and sinner, and, not to mince matters, he was, and had the reputation of being, a great rogue. B. was a green young man from the country, and one evening sauntered leisurely into the hostelry, presided over by the subject of this perfectly veracious narrative. Business was dull, so A. suggested a little innocent recreation in the way of " Yankee grab." B. assented, and in a very short time lost a considerable sum. Presently in came another simple young man from the bucolic Waikato, who had just won a prize in a racing sweep. A. suddenly whispered sotto voce to 8., " You play that chap grab, and I'll go you halves. He knows me of old, but he'll play with.

you. See, the dice are as crooked as . Just dribble 'em out like this, and they'll turn up sixes every . The old blackleg here stopped suddenly, remembering how he had just " had" his confidante with the same trick. B. saw the point at once, and laughingly said, " Well, old man, you're the worst scoundrel I ever came across. To rob a man and tell him of it afterwards, ha ! ha ! Shell out my coin, and I won't ' split ' on you. Thanks. Now come and have a drink, and then I'll have a try at that other fellow."

A most amusing practical joke lias been played on the bachelor manager of one of our local banks. The other day Hannaford, the marriage agent, received a letter, signed "W. Burton," asking him to assist the writer (the Manager of the Colonial Bank) in procuring a wife. With his customary energy, T. B. at once set to work, and in due course wrote to Mr Burton, forwarding a card of terms and asking the modest initiatory fee of five guinea*. Of course Mr Burton knew nothing of the matter, and his feelings, on realising the joke that had been played upon him, cannot easily be described. However, he called a friend to the rescue, and, thus protected, proceeded to interview the famous marriage agent. T. B. promptly produced a letter, dated from the Northern Club, and apparently quite authentic. It was in vain Mr Burton protested that he wanted no wife, and that if he did he should not claim Mr Hannaford' s assistance. The wily agent declared he had already made overtures on Mr Burton's behalf to many charming spinsters, and didn't see how he could, possibly choke them off. Whether Mr Burton will resign himtelf to his fate and marry one of the girls has not as yet transpired. We shall, however, know more by next issue.