The Observer.

Observer, Volume 2, Issue 49, 20 August 1881, Page 560

The Observer.

Saturday, August 20th, 1881. If an unprecedentedly large and rapidly increasing circulation is any criterion of popular favour, the Observer must be the most successful weekly in New Zealand. Ever since the recent enlargement our issue lias been growing at the rate of hundreds weekly, and yet the demand is still in excess of the supply. Last Friday, anticipating a good sale, we Srinted 300 more than the previous week, lark the result. At 1 o'clock on publishing day therunnershad bought out all papers on sale at the office, and on Saturday afternoon we scoured Queen-street ineffectually for a few copies to send away by the mail. Apologies are due to any regular subscribers who missed getting their copies, though it is only fair to state that an advertisement in the Star urged folks to buy the paper early. This week the edition has been increased 500, and we hope it may prove sufficient. Last week we referred briefly to the chastisement administered to the editor of the Christchurch Liberty by some irate individuals belonging to Timaru. Well, since then opportunity has been vouchsafed us of perusing the offensive jiaragrarjhs, and we are bound to say, that if it is ever justifiable for two or three strong men to enter a_ newspaper scribbler's office and hammer him, it was justifiable in this case. The fact seems to be that a higlily respectable family named Kelly, residing in Timaru, gave a party to some friends not long ago. The representative of the Liberty was not invited, and the result was that the affair was referred to in that journal as if it was a shameless orgie, to which a lot of loose and drunken ' larrikins had inveigled a number of young and respectable ladies. The girls' mothers were warned very plainly to look after their daughters, and in other unmentionable respects.the item was most suggestive. No wonder the magistrate trying the assault case inflicted merely a nominal fine and condemned the Liberty in unmeasured terms. It is, however, a trifle hard that a speculative rag of the Liberty's class (which is owned by the Lord-knows-who and edited by an Hebraic scribbler whom not even little Vaughan would venture to call a gentleman) should be dubbed a "Society" journal and compared with ourselves and the Sydney Bulletin. When the Observer has erred against good taste it has not been from malice prepaise, and under no circumstances whatever could a base slander, such as has brought the Canterbury paper to grief, find space in our columns. However, "nuffsed." The matter of the " Clerical Gay Lothario " referred to in these columns not long ago was to come before the Auckland Presbytery yesterday (Thursday) morning, and if the Press are ad»

mitted much will be known ere these lines appear in print. We earnestly hope the parson may be able to exculpate himself and face the world pure and stainless. It is rumoured that an alibi can be proved, but if such should be the case the question arises, why was not this simple and eminently satisfactory method of setting things straight tried long ago ? Mr K. has several staunch friends amongst good men, whose reason is not likely to be overset by their liking for him, and this must undoubtedly prejudice many people in his favour. The ruin of the unfortunate girl should, however, also be borne in mind, and the very strictest impartiality preserved. We can't help thinking that a few minutes cross-examination of the latter ought to make it evident to any body of sharp, sensible men whether she is speaking the truth or not.

There was an accident on Saturday last which appears to have slipped the notice of the reporters of the daily papers. A somewhat SAvellish new-chum went down the wharf to pee two or three friends oft" by steamer, and, the parting being slightly convivial, he left the boat in a rather tol-de-rol-10l condition. How the accident happened we haven't the smallest idea, but shortly afterwards Mr New-chum was seen floundering in the water nearly drowned, and was with difficulty picked out by the heels in a semi-insensible condition On being shaken up and stood on his head to let out some of the superfluous salt water, he murmured that he was staying at the "Blank Hotel," and, to the intense delight of Host K. (who is never so happy as when playing the part of a good Samaritan), taken up there. For some time the poor fellow continued insensible, and it looked as if his little lark might terminate seriously. In the afternoon, however, the emetics* which Dr H. had freely administered took effect, and next morning our friend was all right again. But the cream of the joke is that Mr JNewchum was not boarding at the Blank Hotel at all, and had only stayed there for a day or two on his first arrival. AsMrK. pathetically observed, wringing his well-developed and looking most disconsolate, " Fine Ihing, isn't it, that the house should be turned topsy-turvy, and Mrs K. running about like mad with flannels, and emetics, and hot bricks and brandy bottles, and stomach-pumps, all for a puttect stranger who lives at a busted boarding-house "

We had a rather stormy interview with Mr H. Claude Brook, A.A., on Friday morning last. Mr Brook was very frank. He informed us that the Observer was a disgrace to Colonial journalism, gave it as his opinion that the editor of the paper in question possessed some abilities, but scandalously misused them, and finally wound up with an interesting item of intelligence, to the effect that his A. A. certificate was hanging up in "my father's drawing-room at Home." Now it may seem strange to those who are not blessed with the gift of second sight, but we had a sort of vague premonitory idea that that certificate would be about fourteen thousand miles away. Still it seems a little odd, doesn't it, that Mr Brook should have allowedsuchan all-important card to remain in England so long. The discussion arising from the conceited peculiarity of his appending the letters A. A. to his name commenced months ago, and one would have thought that his first act would have been to procure his certificate from Home and justify himself. Instead of this he seems to be in a fog as to which University he passed at, and has excited suspicion by his ignorance of subjects familiar even to a Lower School Rugby boy.

We don't at all dislike Mr Brook, and have not (as he seems to suspect) the slightest wish in the world to crush him. His A. A. conceit has been frequently laughed at in the Observer, but as he brought this on himself he ought not to complain of it. The suspicion that the man has no right to the degree he claims, is of course more serious ; but, as Aye have pointed out, the question can be easily set at rest by the production of the diploma, which could be out here within three months. Till this period elapses, and answers are returned to the queries "Vigilans" has forwarded to Oxford, we shall drop the subject. In order, however, to show there is no animosity, we hereby promise to hand a cheque for two guineas to any charity Mr Brook likes to name directly he shows us his A. A. certificate.

The larrikin nuisance was particularly demonstrative on last Saturday and Sunday evenings. On the former night a select gang of hoodlums collected in the vicinity of the Theatre Royal and jostled some of the people on their way home from, the performance. On Sunday evening the larrikins posted themselves

at one or two points in the principal thoroughfares, and indulged in smoking and bad language. Two gentlemen, who were accompanied by ladies, became the objects of their attention, and not relishing the coarse expressions applied to them, they allowed the ladies to pass in, and, turning back, inflicted condign chastisement on some of the biggest of the rowdies, one of whom received a black eye, another parting with several front teeth.

Says "Atlas" in the World of June Bth :— "Bishop Sehvyn left his mark sufficiently on his age to need no college to perpetuate his memory ; but Cambridge has paid a practical testimony which silences captious criticism on his personal qualities and his beneficent work, whether that work was among the dusky races of New Zealand or the grimy sons and daughters of toil in the Midlands. No one could be long in the company of the late Bishop of Lichfield without appreciating his great powers and striking characteristics. He was unselfishness itself ; and after selecting the living of a collegiate church for his son, was induced by a disinterested friend to give it to the present archdeacon of that see, then an Absolutely unknown quantity in the ecclesiastical world. That son, when sent to restore to harmony a parish embroiled in Kitualistic dissensions, showed his birth by doing in secret such good deeds as the chopping up of wood for a decrepit woman, who, though almost beyond the labour, retained too independent a spirit to receive parochial aid. Bishop Selwyn was, I believe, almost, if not quite, the first prelate who, to encourage sobriety among laymen, abstained, by way of an example, from alcoholic drinks, though he enjoyed a glass of choice wine. The sacrifice to principle was at the time not followed by one of his cousins, who, the clever son of a distinguished father, after enforcing abstinence as much as possible from meats during Lent, if only for the sake of more largely exercising the virtue of charity, used to sit down to a hot supper, from which the champagne-cup was not absent.

( Is it true that the members of the Auckland School Committee were invited and curtly refused to subscribe towards the purchase of prizes for the children of one of our large public schools, and that rather than see the youngsters denied what they had been taught" to expect, the principal generously bears the expense himself ? A report is current to this effect, and we should like to ascertain its truth or falsity. It is said that the children were flattered by visiting ComTiiitteemen with promises of prizes, and when an appeal was made to the latter in their individual capacities they ungraciously declined to contribute anything. The story seems rather improbable, judging from the character for public spirit which the Committeemen enjoy, and we therefore pass it on without comment. If untrue, it is as well that the fact should be known.

The City Councillors of Auckland are great sticklers for formality. Not many months ago they rejected a. number of important petitions simply because some of them did not wind up with the orthodox "prayer," and because the petitioners in the other cases had neglected to pray after the printed formulae. Their selection of an assistant clerk lias been marked by equal absurdity. After the departure of Mr Day they invited applications for the vacant situation, and about a hundred were received. These were referred, of course, to a committee, and in due time a choice was made — an elderly gentleman named Dillon securing the appointment. He failed to suit the Town Clerk, however, and that magnate very soon made his wishes known, requesting that Mr Dillon should be supplanted by W. E. Bennett, a young man whose qualifications had been regarded as second upon the list. Mr Bennett accordingly was taken on temporarily, and was found to be the right man in the right place. His caligraphy was praised, his industry eulogised, and his knowledge of office routine commended. There was no doubt as to his fitness for the post. The local aldermen, however, were troubled with sore misgivings at the prospect of departing from the well-worn path of circumlocution even in such a small matter, and after full reflection

they resolved to advertise for fresh applications. This was done, and twenty-five were received. The making a choice was a mere farce, and was bluntly referred to as such by the assembled wise men of Gotham. It was known that Mr Bennett had applied amongst the others, and after a hasty examination of the various letters his appointment was confirmed. Thus, the city funds Avere wasted, twenty -four young fellows deluded with false hopes, and much good notepaper spoilt, for the gratification of a whimsical desire to conform to the letter of formality.

The most characteristic missive of the whole twenty-five was that of the renowned Dick Feltus. This illustrious advocate of the inherent right of the sons and daughters of old colonists to grants of land at the expense of the country must have heen in a deeply agitated condition when he penned that note, inasmuch as it was blurred with tears or coat-sleeve ; hut in tone it was unmistakably Dick's. He candidly confesssd that he had not the slightest expectation of obtaining the appointment, referred plaintively to his long residence in the city, and then wound up with his signature in ferocious characters amplified by the title "New Zealand Medal." This was taken to imply that Dick possessed a war medal, but the fact was very rudely challenged. It was said that Mr Feltus must have found or bought the decoration, as he had certainly never won it. Let "11. J. F." come forward and repel the base insinuation that it was procured at a small fee for a special occasion from a certain avuncular relation who shall be nameless. The tiling surely is preposterous !

With characteristic impulsiveness the leading members of the French Club have raised by subscriptions the wherewithal for the purchase of a flag, without taking the trouble to enquire whether they can get permission to hoist it. It is said that the erection of another flagstaff would endanger the top of the building, and it is improbable that the " Christian Young Men" will permit the tricolorof Republican andßadical France to float triumphantly over the Gospel banner. ''To your tents, 0 Israel!" This is not all, however. The Gaelic litterateurs having been ravished by the "Sankeyfied " strains discoursed at an adjacent prayermeeting, are contemplating the advisability of introducing music into their proceedings, so that at no distant day the passers-by may hear the patriotic tones of the " Marseilleise " "blending in sweet congruity with the fervid notes of "Hold the Fort," or iilling up the pauses in Grandfather Larkins' long-winded exhortations. " Where are we all going to ?"

Since the news of Jack Herapath's conversion by Moody reached Auckland from San Francisco no more startling piece of intelligence has been in circulation than the fact of Harry Whitaker having preached an "edifying" discourse ( vide Star on Monday last) at a Wesleyan tea-fuddle at Te Aroha. Ye gods ! The sons of the briny, whom Harry' was able to knock into a cocked hat in the concoction of forcible expletives, refuse to accept the yarn, while all his quandum chums are dumbfounded with astonishment. If the promoters of that muffin and crumpet contest care to announce a repetition of the performance with H. W.s "edifying" discourse well forward on the programme, they may safely count on a special boat from Auckland crowded with anxious tea-fighters.

At the theological table, in Waters' restaurant, the other day, two gentlemen were discussing the New Testament revision, when the subject turned on the "hereafter." One of them tried very hard to convince the other, but to no purpose. At last the latter became rather warm, and exclaimed : ' ' Yovi cannot make me believe any such doctrine, so you may as well give it up. " ' ' But what do you think becomes of a man when he shuffles off this mortal coil ?" asked the first. "Metamorphosis," triumphantly answered the other. " Transmigration; c\o you really believe in that?" "Exactly." The first gentleman looked pityingly at his opponent, and then said, "Well, there's one consolation you may have in such a belief. You wont have to be a jackass in the next world." There was a general roar of laughter from the assembled theologians, under cover of which the discomforted disputor made an abrupt exit.

It is gratifying to be able to boast that the heads of the Auckland police are not of the same kidney as the worthy Inspectors described in the following letter, which is contributed by Southern hotel-keeper at present on a visit here. This person writes : — ''Dear Mr Editor, — As I hear your publicans are occasionally at variance with the police, it may be of interest to them to know how we Southerners keep the force in our special district 'sweet.' Inspector , the head of the Constabulary (that's where I come from), is a bald-headed, sturdy little man not unlike but scarcely as

handsome as Superintendent Thomson. He would be a good enough officer if it were not for his tendency to conviviality, but truth compels me to state that he very frequently gets lamentably drunk, and the worst of it is that he doesn't do this at home but in our public-houses. On the occasions that the Inspector comes to me I always endeavour to lush him uj) properly, and find infinite amusement in his pompous diatribes. When a little ' on ' it is the great man's custom to hold forth about the power he posseses. ' l)o you know,' he says, ' I could do a good deal to you publicans if I chose.' Later, i.e. at the genial stage of intoxication, somebody knocks oft' his hat in order to see him fret and fume ; and, finally, about two in the morning one of us cart him off to a cab speechlessly drunk and incapable. Now this Inspector little thinks that every time he gets drunk the publican at whose house the spree occurs draws up a careful statement of the facts, duly attested by independent witnesses, avlio are shown the Inspector in his tipsiest state and engaged to come forward and prove the carouse if necessary. We have now nearly a dozen of these duly attested affidavits, and should Inspector ever ' cut up rusty ' or attempt to take away our licenses we shall, without doubt, have the satisfaction of getting the beggar sacked. I have not as many of the statements as Jack , of the Hotel, but if ever old interferes with me ' there will be a shine in the temples of Shem.' The Subinspector at , Sergeant , is an ascetic man outwardly, but even he takes a drop too much occasionally, and of course we can prove this also. The Sergeant's weakness, however, lies in another quarter. He is an admirer of • woman, lovely woman,' and the stories of his flirtations would astonish the natives if published. Altogether, you see, we have the police in pretty good order, and can take things easy. — I am, etc., Licensed Victualler.

The brusqueness with which some of the understrappers at the stamp counter of the Post-office treat strangers has been more than once mentioned to us, and on Monday last we were surprised and disgusted to hear Mrs Fred Marshall complaining of the rudeness with which she and her husband had that morning been treated by some surly old civil (or rather incivil) servant at the same place. It appears the popular comedian and his wife, accompanied, we need scarcely say, by the übiquitous "Jack," went to the Post-office to procure a money order. This little matter was arranged easily enough, and they then turned to the stamp counter to get a lot of bundles of papers they wished to send to England weighed. Mi's Marshall bought some stamps, and addressing the old person behind the counter, said, ' ' Will you kindly tell me what it will cost to send these to England." The clerk, remembering he was speaking to a lady, might have at least answered civily, but instead of this he very rudely grunted, " Weigh 'em yerself." Naturally Mr Marshall felt a little irritated, and observed rather sharply that his wife was a stranger in New Zealand, and could hardly be expected to know the postage to England via 'Frisco without being told. On this the civil and gentlemanly clerk again grunted, "Penny a paper," and stood with his arms folded whilst Mr Marshall fumbled amongst the weights and endeavoured to stamp the papers as correctly as he could under the circumstances. It is very annoying that this sort of thing should happen, because it leads strangers to think New Zealand civil servants are Philistines .who do not even possess sufficient breeding and politeness to treat a lady properly.

Mr Barraud, of Wellington, the ingenious artist who dedicated a big album of chromolithographic and photographic views of New Zealand to H.R.H. the Prince of Wales, artfully gave a splendid birds-eye view of the Empire City from the most commanding position, placing quite a fleet of big ships at the wharf, while Auckland was represented by a small view somewhere in Judge's Bay the city itself being entirely left out of the picture. In the preface the artist stated that the views had been placed in the order in which tourists were recommended to visit the various points, and, of course, Wellington and the Wairarapa came first. The Government photographer, whoever that distinguished and doubtless highly-paid personage is, has improved upon Mr Barraud. In a series of views, supposed to fairly represent the principal features of the colony, he has given fine enlarged photographs of Wellington and Dunedin from the most attractive standpoints, while in a miserable view of Auckland the tumble-down shanties of Chancery Lane form the fore-ground of the picture, and the rest of the buildings are huddled together in such a way as to appear like a confused mass of rabbit-hutches The same artful plan is adopted with regard to Auckland in selecting the photographs of the principal public buildings, only the very worst being taken, while those of the Southern cities are made to appear like palaces. The committee of the Free Public Library were so annoyed at this flagrant and paltry display of political trickery that they have consigned the photographs to limbo.

A good story is related concerning a certain "bluff and honest M.H.R. for a constituency in this provincial district. A delicate looking young man successfully _ courted one of his daughters, and with much misgiving the young man went to ask papa's consent. " Well," said the rugged parient, after the young man had hesitatingly broached the delicate subject, "you look fitter for your grave than being married. However, as you like my gal, and my gal likes you, and I don't believe in long engagements, you can. have her as soon as you like. By-the-bye, what do you do for a living ?" The aspirant to matrimony having answered the latter question, withdrew with joy in his heart, and in due course he was united to the object of his affections. .It may not be out of place to add that the father gave his daughter the option of a grand wedding or £300. Like a true woman, " the gall " appropriated the "blunt."