TAKING THEIR MEASURE,

Observer, Volume 2, Issue 39, 11 June 1881, Page 425

TAKING THEIR MEASURE,

Parnell.

M. TAIXK, the French author, is best known to Englishmen by his books on their literature ; but he has written other works beside, and in one he makes a fourfold classification of mankind, which, though not pretending to be exactly scientific, is at any rate useful enough

for practical purposes. He says the human race may be divided into the ambitious, the amorous, the observant, .and the imbecile. The word ambition generally has an exalted significance attached to it, but there is ambition in little matters as well, and this is the kind of ambition whinli afflicts ordinary people. AVhen a man gets well on towards thirty he begins to forget that he once set before himself the Premiership of the Colony as the legitimate end of his aims ; or that in the impetuous days of his adolescence he desired, above all things, to take up the mantle of Shakespeare or Byron ; ' or that at the time his moustache was commencing to sprout he anxiously hoped that some tremendous conflict would enable himself to pose before an astonished world as another Napoleon. But though this same man mayhave soberer thoughts than he used to, he still feels the goad of ambition keenly at times prompting him in quite different directions. It

may be towards an easier chair than formerly, towards a more expensive cigar, better wine, a nap after dinner, more comfortable shoes than of yore ; or towards buying zylobalsarnum, sulphur wash, or what not, because the top of his head is not covered so thickly as it once was. It issurprising — and here is another example of ambition — with what tenacity and perseverance a man will brush those three hairs over the shining desert of his scalp, and persuade himself that really he is not so bald as some fellows say. Nine out of every ten women jiossess one_ variety of ambition, and it goes without saying that this is to make a good marriage. To tiiis end everything else is made subsidiary. It might be supposed a priori that this being the great end, such means as perfection in wifely accomplishments and thorough domestication would be cultivated. But what do we find ? The only "accomplishments " desired are those flashy unreal ones, which may not improbably prove positively annoying to the future husband, who, however, is soft enough now to give them an exaggerated importance. Pianoplaying and singing have their use no doubt, but they are not the only things that a man expects his wife to understand — that is, a sensible man ; for there are many men, doubtless, who are just as foolish in this respect as the girls themselves and the girls' mothers. The defence of the females, I dare say, is that really they will never be called upon to descend to the kitchen and chaffer with the

greengrocer and butcher, for they are going to catch husbands with

money enough to keep them in idleness. This is stock mode of defence, and it is surely high time one heard the last of it. It is too ridiculous, and based upon such obviously false grounds, that it is not

■worth attacking. When are we going to see a higher ambition than that of being mere ornaments, spectacles to be stared at, dolls to be played with ? But it is not generally good advice, however persistent, that produces effects. It is the sober realities of actual life, which is never so joyous, or so easy, or so roseate of hue as it seems in the distance. There are of course young women, all honour to them, who ai*e inspired by more legitimate and useful ambitions, who have formed a higher and more creditable estimate of the duties of life. I use the word " woman " designedly, because it is the fashion to use "lady" in its stead. The honest, honourable term is discarded by the morbid sqeamish sentimentality of the day, which cannot but disgust persons of more correct taste. The other day the Herald had it that so many

" young ladies " were confirmed at St. Sepulchre's. The marriage service must be altered shortly to agree with the prevailing custom.

But this is perhaps wandering from our "moutons," so we will return to the amorous. In talking of the maidens who spread their pretty nets to entrap husbands, I have trenched on this division a little — almost as much, in fact, as I intend to. There are two kinds of amorous people — the virtuously and the viciously so. The latter need not detain us long, not because they are so few, or such detested characters, for the opposite is the case. But these remarks will come before the eyes of our sisters and our cousins and our aunts ; and to offend their delicate susceptibilities would be painful indeed. The viciously amorous, those who hate their neighbour and love their neighbour's wife, want slating about as much as any class of the community, for they have too much leniency shown them. In fact, instead of being

shunned and "boycotted," they are courted, pampered, and made much of. The saying, heard now and again, that "a reformed rake makes the best husband " exhibits the sort of feeling I am alluding to. Was there ever a more lying delusive assertion than that ? Yet thousands have been deceived into the practical application of it, with generally the same result, misery and wretchedness extreme. The virtuously amorous ought to get a few words here. It is not all morbid anatomy that a doctor has to study. If I followed the fashion which sneers at what is right and says it is all goody-goody, and varnished over what is mean and base, calling it by pleasant-sounding names, I should probably laugh sarcastically at the husband devoted to his wife and home. But I don't laugh at him. It seems to me he is one of the right sort. And lam persuaded that his children have by far the best chance of turning out a credit and an honour to their parentage. A man cannot train up his youngsters in the way they should go, and travel ""another way himself. Now for the observant portion of humanity — an army -with very thin ranks. Perhaps I ought to amend the last sentence, and say that while observers in large and important matters are few, there are plenty of keen investigators of trivial things. For instance, with Avhat astonishing exactness one lady will take in the entire dress of another at a single glance, and afterwards detail the costume correctly from hat-feather to shoe-string. Only females can perform this difficult feat. It seems an instinct which descends from mother to daughter, and in which the sons have no participation. The investigation which the " social position " of a new comer is subjected to is another notable example of observation in small affairs. There is a little township in the North Island of New Zealand where the examiner-in-chief is the doctor's wife. When this estimable lady has scrutinised the credentials of each new chum, and metaphorically countersigned and sealed them, he is considered admissable into the best ' ' society "of the place. Her husband is skilful in detecting bodily ailments ; herself sets about discovering social diseases. Connection with " trade " is a disease of malignant type, which only a long term of quarantining and treatment can cure. And even then the infection may not be entirely destroyed, and "society" is always very chary about coming too near or too often. The chronicler of the whims, the oddi ties, the idiosyncrasies of our remote townships has yet to arise. It wants some Bret Harte or Wendell Homes to amuse the world by holding the whole of them up to ridicule. It is time to consider the imbeciles, the most numerous class of all as M. Tame remarks. Here the Frenchman coincides with Thomas Carlyle, whose sentence about Britons and "mostly fools" will be remembered. But neither Tame nor Carlyle originated the sentiment, which is at least as old as the Stoic philosophers, one of whose pastimes was the proving that the vast majority of mankind were mad. The longest of Horace's satires is occupied with an amusing parody of this weakness. Damasippus, a bankrupt merchant grows a sapient beai'd and turns Stoic philosopher, and having shown himself incompetent to manage his own affairs, goes about minding the business of other people, and informing them they are all out of their senses. There are some lineal descendants of this fellow in Auckland, I believe. Write down among the imbeciles the people with one idea — those who ride a hobby to death. They are not content with trotting out their favourite quadruped in season and out of season, but must compel their friends to get up behind. Sometimes the beast is the temperance question, bestridden by many rabid teetotallers amongst xxs. Many who would otherwise take on active part in advocating temperance (with which no man in his senses disagrees) are nauseated by the inopportune zeal, or rather frenzy of such numbers of its exponents. Then the hobby may be singing. Avoid the man who has a voice, or imagines he has one. He is usually a bore of the first magnitude. Longcjuge, as Horace says, habet fenum in cornu. Add the hobby-horseman whose weakness is elocution. Of the best sermon or speech, if the delivery is in any way defective, he cries, " It is naught, it is naught,' though it may be full of thought and uncommon wisdom. These people have no idea of the proportion of things. There are matters of importance and matters trivial. Elocution, it seems to me, is included among the latter. Also write down as imbecile all those who in this warm climate feel themselves bound to indulge in that vigorous ungainly exercise called "linking," surrounded by the close and vitiated atmosphere of a brilliantly-lighted room. There is a little, though not much excuse for the patrons of the amusement (?) in England, where it is cooler, and where most of \ the rinks are in the open air. Between skating ' proper and sprawling about on brass rollers there is a world of difference, as well in the pleasure and benefit derivable as in the gracefulness of the movements. Closely allied to to the last-named class are the imbeciles who dance their legs off under precisely similar circumstances. But it is the fashion ; it is demanded as a sacrifice by the Juggernaut who slays his scores and his hundreds per annum If this was not the offering required, another just as ridiculous and just as destructive would soon take its place. One may shout himself hoarse, but the devotees of the great god are deaf, and they will take no more heed than a stone statue. This reminds me that I. have got (metaphorically) hoarse, and so will conclude my harangue.

— A certain valiant major who is in the liaMt of making frequent trips to Coroniandel, is also in the habit of being very sea-sick. The latter habit is a most painful and unpleasant one, but he endeavours to reconcile himself to it. On a recent trip the weather was rather rough, and he therefore, on going aboard, procured a bucket ; and, sitting down in "the centre of the deck, where there would be least motion, he placed his back against the mast, stretched out his legs, and, putting the bucket between them in front of him, calmly awaited what should turn up. The vessel pitched and tossed and rolled in a most energetic manner, but nothing did turn ux>, and his stointich remained serene and calm as a mill-pond. Major G. felt so exasperated that he could have almost died with vexation when his fellow passengerß chaffed him unmercifully ; and he actually " kicked the bucket" — overboard.