HOW I BECAME A GOOD TEMPLAR.

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 26, 12 March 1881, Page 268

HOW I BECAME A GOOD TEMPLAR.

By "Silenus." Dear Observer, — My silence must be attributable to the moonstroke I received at the ball on board the " Lady Jocelyn," but from which I am now quite recovered, thanks to the care of Dr. Haines, to enough medicine to set up as a pharinacopolist on my own hook, and to sufficient slops and soups to start a soup kitchen in any of the back slums of this delectable city. On the first day of my convalescence I met a certain resident, who congratulated me on my recovery, said he had missed me from the busy haunts of man (he wouldn't have missed me only I owed him a small account), and totally ignored the moonstroke. The wretch called it a whiskeystroke, and advised me, as a friend, to become a "5.0. T." I naturally felt very indignant ; he then asked me if I would prefer the 1.0. G.T. ; they were good but mixed. I said I always took my liquor mixed, and proposed cocktails at the City Club. He however, assured me that he was on the strict Q.T., and never touched anything stronger than water, and that he was also a member of the 1.0. G.T., and held some ofh'ce in the lodge which entitled him to place the mystic letters P.I.G. .after his name. I think he said it meant "Past Imperial Grand." I thought otherwise, and asked him Avhat he meant by wishing me to become a S.O.T. He replied, "Oh, that's 'Sons of Temperance, 'and 1.0. G.T. stands for ' Independent Order of Good Templars,' " and in speaking of the Order being mixed, I meant the brothers and sisters all assembled in the same lodge-room." " Sisters !" said I, "what sisters?" " Well, he replied, any amount of the fair sex join the Order, and when in lodge they are called sisters, and we have some very jolly times on lodge nights. What do you say, will you join ?" " Sisters and cold water for ever," said 1, "put me down for two memberships." It was then agreed that I should put in an appearance that night and become a member of the cold water brigade, and my friend was so elated at my becoming a convert that he suggested we should cement the arrangement by going into Harry Richmond's and partaking of a bottle of zoedone, which I had previously explained to him was a newly invented beverage for teetotalers. I agreed, and we had a bottle of zoedone and two goes of Hitchen's to correct the acidity. On coming out, my friend remarked, "That's a very enlivening beverage and it cheers without inebriating." So along we strolled, he expatiating on the virtues of tcetotalism in general and Good Templarism in particular. The day being rather warm, he finished his eulogy by expressing a wish for another bottle of zoedone, which we had at Mick Gallagher's, who, as, of course, you know, always keeps the best Temperance drinks. After leaving Mick's, my friend seemed to have brightened up considerably under the effects of the liquor, and on parting, particularly enjoined me not to forget to come to the lodge that night, and giving my hand a parting grip which nearly screwed off all my lingers, he proceeded on his way. Now I had often heard that a Hindoo will eat pork if you call it by some other name, and I had also heard that many Good Templars will drink any mortal liquor provided it is called a teetotal drink, and in order to test, my friend, instead of zoedone I had given him his' share of two bottles of Roederer, and as the zoedone is made remarkably like champagne, he probably was not aware of what he was drinking, except that his exuberance of spirits when he got home made his wife fancy he had been putting himself outside a packet of Hudson's Baking powder. I sujjpo.se there must be some cogent reason for making up this zoedone like champagne, for there certainly is a vast difference in taste. One tastes like wine, and the other, as a friend of mine described it, like soap and water, with a dash of soda and acid in it. Well, to return to the Good Templars, having made the promise I determined to keep it, and accordingly about six o'clock that evening, after a bath at Roth's and a shave at Shortt's, who by the way wanted to anoint my head with some preparation that had a perceptible smell of rum, and to which I objected on principle as I was already nearly a Good Tcmjilar, I wended my way to the Lodge, and found seated in the ante-room two young damsels, who I learnt were about to undergo the watery ordeal. They were both evidently in a great state of perturbation at the unknown dangers they supposed they were about to encounter, and I overheard one say, "Oh, Jemima Harm do you think it is true they rides you round the room on a goat, and makes you drink cold tea out of a quart pot ?" I could not help laughing, although inwardly I had some misgivings about the quantity of water they made you drink, but as I had already undergone the ordeal of initiation into the order of "Antisoaperites," and was still alive I did not feel so very much afraid of the result. After waiting a short time the door of the Lodge was opened, and a gushing young creature of about forty came forth. She was dressed like any other | ordinary mortal, but around her neck was a ! large collar, on which were embroidered some mystic letters in silver. The collar looked as if the panniers of her dress had gone up from their proper place ; and her countenance was full of determination, with a cold water look about it that made me - shiver. She had evidently already interviewed my two companions, for immediately addressing herself to me she said, in a St. Paul's Church kind of tone, "Friend, are you willing of your own free will and accord to become a member of our order?" — "Yes, mann, " I replied. ' 'Then" said she, ' 'H'll trouble you for three shillings for your initiation fee." I handed over the coin, mentally thinking there goes the price of six cocktails mixed by the charming Aggy. She then said, -'Friend, will you be good enough to answer me the following questions ?" 1 replied in the affirmative, and she commenced thus: "Did you ever have any parents, and, if so, how many ?" I answered, "Being young at the time I was born I can't say, but the [only relative I had here was my uncle, who lived in Darbystreet, and was very good to the poor folk in want of money." She seemed pleased to hear that I had an uncle, and continued her questions by asking me, if I had given up cocktails, whiskies, and all

tlie other vanities of the drinking world. I replied that I had, and after informing her that I had paid my last washing "bill, she expressed herself satisfied and retired back into the Lodge room. I afterwards learnt she held the rank of "The Most Ef Fervescent Scallyhoot" and Ay as deputed to interview all candidates. This inestimable being returned shortly after, accompanied by a male individual with' a very port, winery nose, who looked extremely imposing in his regalia, denoting the rank of " The Grand Continental Patagonian." With a commanding Garrard-like voice, he said: "Friends (indicating the two girls and myself), having satisfied (Sister Buggins, our Most Effervescent Scabbyhoot, that you are fit and proper persons to become members of our noble order, I'll trouble you to advance to me, with the heel of your left foot in the small of your back ; the lingers of your right hand extended with the thumb on your nasal organ, and in this position keep your eye on your father, and he'll pull you through." We did as requested, and after rapping at the door of the Lodge in a peculiar manner it was opened, and we followed our conductor inside, the Most Effervescent Scallyhoot bringing up the rear, as she evidently had only come out to see that the Grand Continental Patagonian did not have any larks with the two girls. Immediately on entering the Lodge Room the members arose and greeted us by singing some joyous melancholy melody to the air of "Tommy make room for your uncle." When the hymn, or whatever it was called, was finished, they all saluted us by passing the backs of their right hands across their mou+hs, just like you'll see a London Bobby do when lie leaves a public house that he has been into on duty. We were then marched around the room and introduced to the Superficial Grand Apocalypse, who requested us to take a drink of water. We did so and it put me very forcibly in mind of the water you get at Harrowgate, only it was nastier, and tasted much as if it had come oil' a roof on which any amount of pigeons had sojourned all day, and been received into a tank containing a dead cat, an iron pot, and some rotten eggs. After drinking the water, he gave us a lecture out of a book, in which avc were advised to eschew all drink save water, and beware of the wine that is red. He never said a word about white wine, so I suppose some of Wendel's Sparkling is still open to us. We then again marched round the room and were taken in front of another official, who bore the euphonious title of " The Supereminent Tiddlewink," and he gave us another lecture, also out of a book, and which he read without the slightest regard to punctuation, and blunderingfrightfully at the hard words. He also enjoined us to go hf big licks for cold water, and after giving us another glass of that enlivening iluid, directed our conductor to introduce us to the most important personage in the Lodge, who bore the high-sounding title of "The Inapproachable and Most Worshipful Darned Idiot," and in accordance with the instructions given us by our conductor we presented ourselves before this high dignitary, who after reading us another lecture, with the same disregard of commas, colons, and semi-colons as the individual who had previously given us a specimen of his reading ability, proceeded to induct us into the mysteries of the order, by stating the principal sign which will always gain you admission into any Lodge. This sign is given by passing the back of the right hand smartly across your mouth, at the same time pointing to the sky with the index finger of the left hand, symbolical of your determination to drink nothing stronger than what falls from above. I thought to myself if what I drank to-night is a specimen of what conies from above, I'll take care to live in a house where no pigeons are kept. After showing us the sign he proceeded to give us the grip, and this was given by passing the right hand under the left leg with the thumb extended, and in that position, and that position only, j'ou give a brother the grip of brotherly love and so on. This was symbolical of our liability to fall, and from the attitude it was extremely probable that in about nine cases out of ten the result would be a backsliding. The concluding portion of the official initiatory process, consisted in our being each placed on an empty beer barrel, and supplied with an earthenware teapot, supposed to contain cold tea, which we were commanded to drink, showing that we considered tea superior to beer at all times. To show my enthusiasm I drained my quantum, and, good gracious, I thought I was poisoned. It appears these teapots had been used at the last public tea fuddle, held about two weeks back, and had contained the usual mixture of tea, milk, and sugar, a portion of which had remained in the teapot which fell to my lot, forming the grave of innumerable flies. The sister who had charge of this department had not washed out these symbolical emblems of teetotalism, but merely filled them up with water oft" the roof. You may imagine the draught which would take all the spiders ever concocted in Abbott's to efface its recollection from my mind. The Inapproachable and Most Worshipful Darned Idiot having invested us each with a white collar, with a blue and red rosette, greeted us as duly initiated brethren, as did all the brothers and sisters. The latter giving me the kiss of welcome, which would have been pleasant only some of them had been partaking of spring onions, and the former shaking my hand and working my arm like a pump handle. The two newly-initiated sisters then received the kiss of welcome from the brothers, who displayed quite as much energy in this as they had in shaking hands with me. We then joined hands and had a free dance round the room, singing one of those heart-rejoicing and beautifully touching melodies by Moody and Swankey, whichso far I recollect Avent somewhat as follows : Oh drink, drink, drink and be contented, Cold water it will never hurt the mind, For cocktails are a sin, and brandy's worse than gin, So stick to whiskey straight iintil your blind. This concluded the ceremony and I was glad to get outside for I sadly wanted something to correct the flies, water, &c. Just as I was leaving the Lodge who should I run against but my friend of the morning, who evidently had been putting something into his inside stronger than zoedone. With half-a-dozen lurches and as many hiccups, he said he could

not come to the Lodge as he had been suffering from a severe attack of neuralgia and taken some of Harry Richmond's remedy to relieve the pain. Seeing the state lie was in I kindly accompanied him to his house, and on arriving he said, "Look here (hie) old cock, come in and try my Pol Roger of seventy-four that I received from my friend Edward Lewis." — " Confound you and Poll Rogers," I indignantly exclaimed, "I am a married man and Mr. Lewis ought to be ashamed of himself, and besides if I wanted a Poll Rogers I'd take care she wasn't seventy-four." Hang me, if the wretch did not sit down on the door step and laugh until I thought he would have had a fit, and when he coiild speak he spluttered out, " Why, old fellow, Pol Roger of 74 is the best brand of dry champagne in the market, and Lewis sent me a case to drink his son's health in, as the young rascal got spliced last week." What could I do after this but go inside, and what with drinking the health of the bride and bridegroom and any amount of imaginary bridesmaids, I don't recollect anything else until I found myself, about three o'clock in the morning, embracing the lamp-post in front of the Obskkvisr office, apostrophising it as, "My dear sister, Poll Rogers," while a policeman, whom I persisted in addressing as "An Inapproachable and Most Worshipful Darned Idiot," was vainly endeavouring to persuade me to go home. I don't think I am going to that Lodge any more, as I intend joining the Daughters of Temperance next week. — I am, Simsnus.