ABOUT TOWN CAPTAIN DALDY.

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 6, 23 October 1880, Page 41

ABOUT TOWN

CAPTAIN DALDY.

People occasionally come to me and cay, " Oh ! why did you mention so-and-so's name ; he doesn't like it, and its done the paper a lot of harm ?" For such querists I have but one reply, viz., "Some men don't at all mind a little good-natured chaff, in fact rather like it. Others, again, are so thin-skinned that the bare sight of their names in print drives them half distracted. If, however, the latter (sensitive creatures) can't take the trouble to come and ask the editor to keep their names out, they must endure the consequences. Silence I take to mean consent."

Is it true that a boy attending one of the public seminaries came to school after dinner one day recently so intoxicated that he fell down in the play -ground ? If it is true, and I have it on good authority, why was it not brought under the notice of the School Committee ? Is there always to be one law for the rich and another for the poor ?

Knowing what I know, my dear, Mr. McCosh Clarke, it didn't at all surprise me to hear that you wished to exclude the Observer from your Fancy Dress Ball, and give all the " fat " in connection with it to the "Lance." Don't suppose for an instant that I grudge the "good thing" to Mr. Wickham. Not at all. You are quite right to help your friend, more especially if (as people say) you have a pecuniary interest in his welfare. All I wish to point out is that it is a mistake to suppose you can keep the Observer out of any given place. Why, my dear sir, I know the substance of what occurred at your committee meetings, not to mention the ball, and, to prove that I don't brag rashly, I will give you an account of one.

The Committee meeting, at wliich the question of press admissions came up, took place at Mr. McCosh Clarke's office one day last week. Present : Mr. and Mrs. McCosh Clark, Mrs. Isaacs, Mrs. Chamberlain, and Messrs. Shera, Dargaville, Ro.*e, and Macquarie. The subject of press admissions being mooted, Mrs. Clark said she supposed a ticket would be sent to the Observer. Mr. Clark, however, at once negatived the proposition.^ He said young ladies had complained of being indicated in an article on tlie "Rink," and he didn't think it. was right Nevertheless he was willing for the "Lance" and the daily papers to receive tickets. Mr. Macquarie (graceless man !) was also against the Observer having a ticket, and so was Mrs. Isaacs. ' After a somewhat desultory discussion, Mr. Dargaville entered the lists and pooh poohed the idea of refusing the Observer admittance. "Why," he said, bailing up Mr. Clark in a most unpleasant manner, " I can see a copy of

the Observer peeping out of your coat pocket, and, if the truth were known, I believe everyone else here has one.' "I have,'' said Mr. Shera, and so it turned out had several of the others. "Let us," suggested Mr. Shera jocularly, ' 'appoint a committee to request the editor to submit his account of the attair to us." "And if he won't do that," added Mr. Dargaville, " why we'll appoint another committee to go down and thrash him."

The only persons really anxious to prevent the Observer being present at the ball were Mr. Clark," Mrs. Isaacs, and Mr. Macquarie. Mrs. Chamberlain expressed her willingness to send us a ticket, and Messrs Dargaville and Shera stuck up for the paper like Britons. Directly I heard of the attair, I arranged for an artist and reporter to be present. They both went, and everything there is to be known about the affair will be published in this or next issue.

I i There was an amusing scene at the meeting of Robinson's credi* tors on Tuesday last, in the course of which that astute person, Johnny Abbott, euchred a whole mob of " our most respected citizens." Johnny be it understood had a claim again&t the estate for £200 borrowed from him, to which he had added the modest sum of £50 as premium for the accomodation. Now the levanter's creditors didn't at all approve of the £50 appearing in the schedule, and at their first meeting, they decided to put the debt down at £200 only. When Johnny heard of this his blood boiled with righteous ire, and he presented himself at Tuesday's meeting in an even more loquacious mood than usual. When the question of the £250 came :up, he rose with virtuous indignation and said, " Before we had any of the Uriah Heep style of : business in Aucklaud, claims were taken as they had been accepted by the debtor ; but gentlemen, if it is your wish that I shall I abandon my interest, I am quite ready — no '. matter though I have lost a lot. We must, however, all be treated alike, and I shall require you Mr. C. and you Mr. L. to appear before the Registrar and make an affidavit as to what profits you would have made out of this I unfortunate man. There won't have been such ja revelation in Auckland for many a day. We i shall see then what the percentages are on j haberdasheries and soft goods fripperies. If you ; gents who roll about in cairiages don't put it on to the unfortunates more than me my name ; isn't J. A." The speech lasted about a quarter-of-an hour, and at the end the soft goods men had to confess themselves completely done. They didn't push the point further. An Australian victim then solemnly rose, and patting Johnny on the back, paid " By George, sir, you ought to be in parliament, I never heard such a speech."

Joseph is "one of our most respected citizens," and Harriet is his wife. They don't get on at all well now. He grates his teeth when he goes home ot nights, and frequently comes out of the house in the morning swearing. The fact is his merry little spouse played a practical joke on him, and he can't forgive it. He has for years been telling her and everybody else that he was sure he had got heart disease, and that he should go off suddenly some time in the night. She had got sick of such talk, after hearing it four or five years more especially as she knew him to be perfectly healthy. " Why", she told the neighbours, " he didn't even know where his heart was, and couldn't point out the location of any particular portion of his internal improvements. But he kept talkingabout death every little while, and she said she was determined to break him ott* the habit as soon as she could think of any way to do so."

A short time ago Harriet bought one of those indiarubberhot- water bags for warming the feet. It would hold about three quarts, and her husband didnt knoAV anything about it. One night, after she had had the water-bag to her feet about a couple of hours, and her husband was snoring away, she thought what a good joke it would be to put it on his "tummy " and wake him up. She burst out laughing at midnight thinking of it. So she took up the rubber bag of hot water and placed it there. The bag was about as big as a mustard plaster, and about as warm as a birch rod on a boy. It hadn't been on his chest over two minutes before he slowly opened his eyes. She stuffed the upper frilling of her nightdress in her mouth to keep from laughing He raised up his head and. said solemnly, "Harriet, my end has come." " Which end, Josey ?" said she as she rolled over, "your head or your feet?" And then she put a pillow in her mouth, and reached over to him, and unscrewed the nozzle that holds the water in the bag. "I am dying, Harriet, dying," said he. "My heart is enlarged to three times its natural size, and, oh, lam bleeding to death." She had opened the nozzle, and the three quarts of hot wat.r was Souring over him, saturating him from head to eels. She had not meant to let out more than half a pint of water, but when it began to flow she couldn't stop it, so she got out of bed and told him to save himself. What happened when the gas was lighted deponent sayeth not.

The unfortunate man, William Howell, whose extraordinary likeness to the murderer Sullivan has led to so many blunders, called upon me the other day and told a most piteous tale. It appears his troubles commenced as long ago as 1867, when he migrated from Feilding to Wanganui, in order to better himself. At the latter place Howell took an expensive house, and paid a high rent in advance. He had, however, only been there a night when the landlord tendered the money back, and, witliout giving any reason, told him to clear. Not being able to find another house, the poor man and his family had to live in a tent. No one would employ him because of the likeness to Sullivan, and he saw he shoufd have to move elsewhere, or starve. From Wanganui Howell went to Masterton, where he got plenty to do and was making a comfortable livelihood. The Sullivan rumour, however, tracked him, and he was discharged instanter. At Napier, whither the unfortunate man now wended his way, the same thing happened, with the addition that he was chased by larrikins and pelted with stones. Sick and sorry, he set off to Wellington, and laid his case before the Government. They sent him to the Plains with the unemployed, but he hadn't been there long before the Hawera paper announced that a man suspected of being Sullivan was amongst the workmen. Of course the latter found Howell out, and insisted on his being dismissed. He then took ship for Auckland. The miserable man says this trouble has ruined him, broken down his health, and made an invalid of his wife, who, from being constantly frightened, has become subject to fits.

Howell can get no work to do here, and wants to raise enough money to take him away to Australia, where he isn't known. The case is an awfully sad one, and I feel very sorry for the }>oor fellow. Those who feel iuchned to assist lim can send their contributions here, and I will acknowledge them through the paper. A shilling or two from every reader of the Observer would suffice to pay his passage, and give him a fair start in Australia.

Like Mr.*. Gamp's famous friend, Mrs. 'Arris, Mr. Wickham's correspondent "Francis Strathmore, B.A.,'' of "The Chesnuts, Remuera," turns out to be a myth. There is in point of fact "no sich person. " At lirst I half thought of answering the blackguard seriously, but I have now determined not to. The strictures of a mau who has deliberately perpetratedadishonourable fraud on the public can't do me much harm. Moreover, the increasing circulation of the Observer is quite sufficient to prove that the bulk of the public, at any rate are pleased with the paper.

Some of the observations contained in our article on the Rink at the Choral Hall have, I hear, given offence. I was afraid they would directly I read them, but it was then too late to make any change. Ladies need, however, be under no apprehension that they will be repeated. Flirtations and other etceteras are, in future, to be strictly ignored. It is only fair to the writer of the objectionable article to say that he merely obeyed instructions (somewhat loosely given), and is in no way to blame I asked him to write me a life-like sketch of the goings-on at the rink and he did it, only unfortunately the details were too life-like.

Early on Tuesday morning three sailors be? longing to the French man - ofwar were noticed trundling a large cask, apparently full o f brandy, along the wharf. They seemed fearful of being observed and were evidently anxious to get rid of the job.; These facts aroused the suspicions of two active and energetic customs-, officials. The brandy had obviously not paid duty, and where, they asked each other, were the men taking it. The officers began to watch and saw the sailors wheel the barrel along Queen-street, and finally deposit it stealthily at Fisher's shop, where it was hid away beneath the counter. No sooner were the sailors gone than the officials entered. "What," a«ked No. 1. "is in that cask?"— "l'm sure I don't know," replied Fisher's manager, "it came from the French man-of-war." "So I thought, " said the officer triumphantly, and he produced an auger. The cask was tapped, a syphon attached, and a beautiful pale brandy flowed" out. ' '• My stars, " murmured the active and intillegent one, "here's a treat," and he smacked his lips joyfully. A glasswas brought , and a nip poured out, "I looks towards you," said the officer tossing off half a tumbler — then, " Ugh ! oh ! ugh ! oh ! ugh ! — psssh ! psssh ? " and he_ elected the liquor promptly. What do you think the cask contained ? Why three hides m pickle sent up to Fisher's for sale. Having been in the water about three weeks they imparted to it a beautiful colour ! ! not to mention a somewhat powerful flavour ! ! !

A somewhat antiquated beau, not wholly unconnected with the Railway Department, has for several weeks past been paying court to a buxom and good-looking damsel of about thirty summers, who resides in the immediate vicinity of Ponsonby. The gentleman's apparent passion is warmly reciprocated by the lady, whose sole anxiety is that he won't come to the point. Affection her lover displays plenteously, and he is also yery particular and very jealous about her speaking to other men, but do what she will she can't induce him to propose. The other day, in a fit of despair, the lovelorn creature confided to her father confessor that she wished she had a big brother. "He should make Mr. V marry me " the girl said viciously. Mr. V went off down south last week on a "fishing excursion/ so he said, but those who know both parties think he means giving his bonny sweetheart the slip.

The secession of Mr. Gordon Gooch from the St. Paul's Choir has led to such a quantity of mendacious gossip that a truthful account of the affair may not prove unacceptable. At the time when the first row between the St. Paul's people and Professor Swallow was patched up, it was arranged to pay the organist £100 a-year, certain members of the congregation guaranteeing to provide £50 am-ngst themselves for a choir-master. Mr. Gooch, who was engaged m that capacity soon afterwards, knew nothing at all about this arrangement. He agreed to accept the salary named, and, of course, supposed the vestry would pay him it m ordinary course. Two months ago the first quarters "screw" came du<*, but wasn't paid. In blissful ignorance of the fact*-, Mr. Gooch waited some weeks, and then mentioned the matter jocularly to Mrs. Nelson, who promised to speak to her husband about it. Nothing further transpired till the other day, when Mr. Gooch met a gentleman in Queen-street, who said, "Oh ! Mr Gooch, I've been trapezmg all over the town on your account for the last two days" "On my account," said Mr. Gooch, puzzled. "What do you mean?" "Why, after your salary of course," replied his friend, and then the whole story came out. Mr. Gooch naturally felt much incensed. He had imagined himself all the time the servant of the vestry, and the idea of a man tramping all over town to raise his salary didnt commend itself to him. After thinking over the affair carefully he resolved to resign, and I'm sure nobody will blame him.

A correspondent writes, " In that remarkably clever and truthful sketch of the Hon. F. Whitaker which appeared last week, there was one little incident omitted, in connection with the rapid changes in successive ministries. This is the incident. After the defeat of the Bell-Sewell Ministry (I think it was) there was some difficulty in finding suitable successors. The resolutions on which the hostile vote was secured, had been moved by Mr. T. S. Forsaith, a draper in Auckland. He was a man of considerable talking calibre, and excessively vain Now, whether it was done in a spirit of waggishness or not will never be known, but the leader of the defeated ministry advised His Excellency to send for that gentleman. He obeyed the gubernatorial mandate with marvellous celerity. On the House resuming, he rose in his place, the sen-e of self-importance imparting additional rotundity to his squat little form. Then amidst the half -suppressed tittering of the members he said, ' Mr. Speaker, I have the honour to inform this House, that in obedience to His Excellency's command, I waited on His Excellency on Tuesday. The message reached me as I was engaged in my shop, and I had only time to PUT ON A CLEAN SHIRT and hurry to the Government House.' Well, the House burst into a simultaneous scream of laughter, aud the new ' regime ' was christened the ' Clean Shirt Ministry ' on the spot It only lasted two days, being promptly suuftVd out by a direct vote of ' no confidence.' Its very ephemeral duration might be the reason why your chronicler has not noticed it. The incident was, however, one of the most amusing in the whole history of New Zealand politics. "

A good story is being circulated in connection with the recent Ponsonby Fancy Dress Ball. A young gentleman, well-known in shipping and sporting circles, attracted considerable attention in a very handsome costume, which he is reported to have said had been preserved in his family since the reign of George IV. It was generally understood that this was a fact, but a jealous youth took tlie opportunity next day of making enquiries, and he was rewarded by ascertaining that the dress in question was one of those lent on hire by Charlie Weightman, and had formerly done service by assisting in the representation of the charact-r of Claude Duval.

The ways of the ' ' new chum ' are marvellous, and his vagaries pass understanding. One day last week a greenhorn, who arrived by the Waikato, went to a photographers in Queenstreet, and asked to have his carte de visite taken. First of all the artist did an ordinary portrait, and went into the dark room to develop it. When he came out again, five minutes later, the sitter donned a very extravagant bushman's costume, stuck a couple of pistols in his belt, threw a " swag " over his shoulders, and striking an impressive attitude, ordered another dozen in that style. Asked what he wanted them for, the fellow said " To send home." No wonder English people think we are barbarians.

People may talk about that old buffer, the Good Samaritan, but I think the action of. an English gentleman who has been (and is) doing a trip round creation, and was in Fiji when Lieutenant Chippendale was thrown into prison; goes peg and peg with the whole yarn. Everybody knows that Chippendale i was absurdly charged with murdering one of I his imported labourers and as our new governor, j Sir Arthur Gordon was weeping over the re-»| mains of his beloved black brother and that magnate's will was almost supreme in Fiji, the | look-out was a v<.ry black one for the accused, i But to his lasting honour be it told, Mr. James | Hedge Partington hearing the circumstances of the trumped up charge, and being indignant that a British subject should be tried without defence, chartered a steamer and sent to Sydney for a lawyer to come down and defend the prisoner. This unselfish act cost Mr. P. the nice round sum of £497. But he had the satisfaction of seeing the case, after vindictive efforts ' had been made to secure a conviction, end in an honourable acquittal of the accused. Neighbourly feeling cannot be all dead in the world, when Aye consider that Mr. Partington had never seen the Lieutenant, or heard of him save in connection with this charge. > In such hands, indeed, wealth becomes a blessing. |

— Two columns of "About Town," and the whole of our theatrical jottings are unavoidably crushed but.