ABOUT TOWN

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 4, 9 October 1880, Page 25

ABOUT TOWN

' The three thousand five hundred Observers printed . last week were . all sold before- 12 on,. Friday. Unfortunately the. type was then three parts distributed or we could easily have got rid of a thousand more. Intending adver-, tjsers, who wish to satisfy themselves as to the, paper's circulation, are invited to come -and in-' spect the returns of the first three issues..

Mr. Lamb, miller, of Riverhead, was brought up for selling bread that was short weight. The public will be surprised to hear that Mr. Lamb, who is a shining light both in religious and commercial circles, evaded the action byshowing that it was laid under an obsolete Act. It would have been more satisfactory if he had shown that the bread was full weight. The report of the case curiously ends by stating, " There were a large number of witnesses and spectators who left the court with complimentary remarks on the way the case was quashed. " Personally, I look upon the affair as ending most unsatisfactorily. Either a salutary example should have been made of Mr. Lamb, or he should have got off by showing the charge was wholly false and without foundation.

On Friday evening last, a company of gay young sparks (reg'lar dawg's, you know), some of. whom had dined, not wisely, but too well, proceeded to the theatre to witness the performance of "Pinafore." Finding the play rather dull, and being full to the overflowing with animal (and other) sprits, it seems to have occurred to one of them that an improvised imitation of little SearelTs proceedings would materially add to the amusement of a somejVhat bored audience. No sootier was the idea conceived than our friend commenced to put it into execution, and so successful was he that the attention of the dress circle was soon concentrated on him. Now, this state of things did not at all please Mrs. Lingard. Strange as it may appear, that lady_ altogether failed te see the humour of the situation, and viewed Ml>. Searell's rival with bitter resentment. A messenger was presently sent round to the front of the house, and the dress circle doorkeeper was deputed to inform Mr. W that unless his diverting antics were immediately stopped, he would nolens yolens be summarily ejected. This was an \inpleasant message to have to deliver, and the luckless messenger shook in his shoes. There was, however, nothing for it but to obey ; so, with much shivering and shaking he proceeded to business. Now, W is a veiy jolly, and a very popular felloe , but when he gets a wee drappie too much (as sometimes happens) he becomes fearfully pugnacious.

If; at such a time, any fellow foolishly exasperates him, he "goes for him" straight, and very impleasant | the aggressor , finds ; t. . On one occasion, having j a few words with j) , ] ie drove out to that worthy's house, and reg a rdless of results, rolled into him boldly. D is about twice the size of W , and very strong, but I fancy he had quite enough to- do to dl-pose of him. On Friday the doorkeeper i got it not. When the message was delivered, ,W— smartly boxed his ears, and passing out 'of the: theatre he again struck him twice, ■the fellow 'took it all like a lamb, why, I don't know, unless he thought he would be rewarded subsequently for any little inconvenience' the blows' caused. On his way down the stairs' W met Mr. Craig coming round from behind to eject him. " Now, look here, my good fellow," said Craig, quite unaware that he was speaking • to one of "our most respected citizens," this won't do; you must gat out." After receiving his money back, W : *didget : out, biit subsequently he came across Craigatthe Royal Mail Hotel.- • In an instant his coat was stripped off "Come, now," he said, "You ■threw me but of the theatre ; I'll pitch you out of the hotel;" Craig, however/ was t'io sensible 'to 1 'wa/if a brawl, s<> he observed persuasively, r "\Lobk here, my dear sir, is this quite'gentlemanly ?''• "" No, indeed it isn't," said Wsuddenly penitent, and the t\yp shook hands. The fact is \V (as I said before) is a rattling. good fellow,, and his little larks-.sel.dom end : . in anything serious. I don't Avant ..to justify the imitation business, but he. might, many seem to think, have done a worse thing than operate on the lustrous orbs of ,the beauteous doorkeeper. The unfortunate manner and. quaint ways of this unhappy individual (whom I don't think really means any harm) are constantly giving offence, in fact, he has more than once narrowly escaped being assisted doAvn stairs somewhat rapidly.

W 's achievement reminds me of a story about the Adelphi Theatre, in the olddays, when veryheavy melodrama was all the go. Benjamin Webster had the house then, and occasionally he used to put on some dreadfully dreary pieces. One Saturday night a funereal play was dragging its weary length, and everyone felt doleful and bored. In the pit were a number of medical students, ripe for a lark, and between the acts one of them mounted on a form, and commenced to propound conundrums for the gallery to answer. The "gods " quickly caught the spirit of the joke, and in a few minutes the fun waxed fa>t and furious. By and bye the curtain rose, and the play recommenced, but the asking of riddles still 1 went on, and no one paid any attention to the stage. Trembling- with wrath the lessee presently made his appearance, and marching to the front said, "Gentlemen, if this tomfoolery is to be allowed, the play nvust stop. You wiil have to choose between 's great drama and that young idiot's riddles." "Then^ we choose the riddles," shouted the audience with one accord, and the unfortunate Webster had to retire discomfited. In a few minutes, of course, the chaff ceased, and the play went on, but the hint was immistakeable, and the lessee never again produced that melodrama.

Despite the fact that his advent was most^ unwelcome, and deprived the public of an old and tried servant, it is only fair to Mr. Fiirby (the gentleman who replaced Mr. Lusher as head of the Telegraph Department) to say that, during the short time he has been in office, he has made at least two long-wanted improvements. The most important of these is

the establishment of a despatch cleric, in the downstairs office, so that gentlemen expecting me sages can call in and get them almost immediately they arrive. This arrangement has already enabled the Government to "retrench" a messenger or two I ,' and is, besides, a great convenience to stockbrokers and otht-r business men, .who, when despatching telegrams, can ascertain whether any have arrived for them. Another improvmcent is the altered disposition of the Shipping Telegraph Board. In old times, it used, to be necessary to light a match at night tb : find out the latest news ; now a iamp illumines the writing and saves a lot bf bother. . • 1 1 -.••..;

The Lingards felt deeply grateful to the " Herald for the unblushing manner in which that" journal perjured itself about the performance of "Pinafore" Horace: and Alice laid their heads together, and said to 1 each other, "What return can we make for so nniclv kindly lying. " They .were ■ puzzled till Luscombe Searell came to the rescue. "The reporter," he said, ." must have all but done for his chance of a blissful hereafter. Let him, dear Horace, keep the infinitesimal hope he still possesses, and, by refusing him admittance to-night, prevent him continuing his good-natured mendacity." This suggestion was acted upon, but, strange to say, it gave offence.

For real out and out ' pluck commend me to Mrs. Arnold, one of the victims of the Fijian outrage. Notwithstanding the very painful ' injuries she lias sustained, 'she converses pleasantly with the large number of visitors who drop in to see her, and. when an y sympathising reference is made to Jher wounds she makes light of it, and not indulges in a laugh. In recounting the particulars of the attack, she dAvells upon some points with a grim kind of humour which cannot fail to be amusing. One thing that appeared to excite her displeasure particularly was what she termed the cowardliness of the nigger in seizing the tomahawk when he found that he could not . wrest the axe from her grasp. Notwithstanding the blows she had previously received, she says if he had fought fairly she would have beaten him, and I believe she would.

Mrs. Arnold appears to have been very unfortunate of late. Some months ago a fine horse belonging to her was stabbed on the Whan Road, then her husband died, and finally she was brutally attacked and seriously injured by Joe, the Fijian.

My feminine readers are this week supplied with a most life-like delineation of the classical features of their "little pet," drawn from the original by a lady admirer. An effort was made to catchthe smile with which his countenance is adorned when greeting the fair creatures from Parnell at the y >.-*,■» orthodox stand in Short-land-street, but of course this failed. Never mind, ladies, you have another interesting item for your scrap albums.

The Government have issued, an edict to the .effigct that in future all civil servants under the i^pk of chief clerk who have to travel by rail, on* "public service, are to do so second class. This adds to the disstjiiafort of the officials without contributing brie halfpenny to the public purse. As a matter of public fairness and convenience, all Government passes on our railways should beJor the second class. Moreover, this shqulct^lhchide Cabinet Ministers, Under-Secretaries, Chief Clerks and all of them.

A very pleasant little story, relating to several of our local timber merchants and others who have beehlei/in pretty heavily by an absednder,is just begin? ning to leak out. Soiieatly . was the' little \ swindle Sypi-ked ■that the sufferers are^ b'eirig unmercifully chaffed by unfcympathising friends. The. gentleman >hose sudden departure is so sincerely regretted by- a select few was young in years, but apparently well yersed in the " ways that are dark and the tricks that are vain." He carried on business in Auckland as a builder, and whether it was that his prices were low or his workmanship good, I know not, but certain it is'thait the name of Mr. O frequently appeared in the daily papers as the successful terMerer for various buildings. [The dash is placed "after the initial letter for the benefit of my lady readers, who are, I know, always pleased when they have a little mystery to solve.] So regular was this gay young gentleman • with his monthly payments for timber arid ironwork, that he won quite a reputation as a model business man, and this reputation, be it .observed,- he subsequently sustained. • At, the end of a recent month, he made his payments just as- usual, and at the same time g^y.e.unusually large orders for building materials,, tlie number of -edifices Avhich he had been engaged to •construct being greater than., he ...had previously been blessed with. His. .patrons were- pleased to find that their houses : .were finished considerably before contract time,. and they very gladly paid over the money necessary to- obtain possession. So well dig. his, ..plans succeed,- that in the last week of the month, Mr. O— found himself indebted, .to: local tradesmen to the extent of nearly £1000, while he had more than that amount in hand. This was <the time for. action, and Mr. O lost no time in packing up his traps and making a sudden departure .by an outward bound steamer to another colony. IN othing has been heard. of him since, poor fellow. Brother Goldie and his friends in tribulation may console themselves with the reflection that man is but human, and therefore always liable to err.

The Port Alberters aa'e a peculiar — a very peculiar people. In the first place they are all wild water drinkers ; in tlie second place they know everything ; and, in the third place they look with supreme pity and contempt upon all outsiders, whom they, rightly or wrongly, con siders barbarians. On iirst arriving in this colony the Port Alberters started a newspaper, ■which never, I believe, reached a second issue. However, the editor and proprietor was a prophet, for his first leading article was devoted to allaying any jealousy that might spring up in Auckland against Port Albert. "Let there be no jealousy" he wrote "between Auckland and Port Albert, " and there never has been. .

A good story is told of a certain candidate, who wooed the sweet voices of the Rodney electorate, and employed a friend of his to canvass the Port Alberters prior to his holding a meeting amongst them. In due course the candidate met his canvasser and asked him what was the result of his canvass. That gentleman's reply wa->, " Don't go near them ; you won't get a single vote." " But," said the i candidate, '*' Have you been amongst them and [sounded them?" "I have," replied the : canvasser, " and they one and all put the same j questiou to me, and to one and all I gave the • same reply. They asked if you were in favour 'of the Permissive Bill, and I eaid you wern't such a d d fool. "

Some time ago one of the Queen-street shopkeepers went South on business. Before leaving he signed six promissory notes and gave them to his wife, tilling her to give them to his clerk if they w..re needed. When h^ came back five of thie notes were accounted for. and the clerk told him that he had left the sixth at home. His employer ordered him to bring it down the next day. He promised to do so, but did not come to business for two or three days. When he presented himself, his employer asked for "that bill." "leave it to you yesterday" was the calm reply. "No, you did not; you were not here yesterday." Find'ng that " that cock would not fight," the clerk swore that he had torn it up. "Very well," said his employer. He sat down, wrote out a statement to the effect that the bill (describing it) had been destroyed and was no longer, in existence. He put it before the clerk," and told him to sign it. The latter, finding himself run to earth, confessed that he had made the bill payable to himself and discounted it. The shopkeeper told him that he would give him 24 hours to refund the money, and that, if it was n>t then forthcoming he would put the matter in the hands of the police. The clerk raised the money, and" so escaped Mount Eden for the present.

To all frequenters of the evening concerts at St. Paul's, the sight of an old gentleman in checked trousers, and with a flower in his button-hole must be familiar. Indeed he is a pillar of the church, and sits in the " seat of the scornful." "Old Billy" is the term of endearment by which he is known by his girls' — as he terms them— a flock of fair creatures, who, for an hour's fun, minister to his wants for the time being. Occasionally a wedding service is improvised, and the gravest oi the girls acts parson. They draw for the privilege of being bride, and for the rest of the time tlie chosen one acts hostess. " Dear one, have another cup of tea." — "Sweetest, I have had ehqugh," &c, &c. " Billy '' being musical, a band is sometimes formed, when the host plays a drum and his visitors perform on a comb and paper, a tambourine, and an accordion. The sounds that eventuate are more easily imagined than described. There is hardly a house in Auckland that has not little souvenirs of the dear old man, in the form of poetical effusions, not to mention flowers, ferns, and tiny notes, &c.

A. M. C. writes, " Now that the Auckland community are on the eve of spending £800 (see accepted tender in ' Herald ' newspaper) for Public Swimming Baths in Auckland, please investigate and agitate that they may be, made where there is water to swim in, and not, as we believe, in a mud flat. Impress upon our town councillors, and the Parnell borough councillors also, the real and urgent existing necessity for tfe means of frequent ablutions. Besides ' Itoee -Public Baths (v er y good for the poorer anil- rowdier classes) .others are .required where payment is demanded, to ensure the privacy necessary for the more respectable folks. Point out that a speculation of this kind, apart from all philanthropic motives, will pay as a commercial speculation. Baths are required in Auckland — onesetnear or aboutthe Breakwater, another in Parnell, and a third on the Ponsonby side of the town. Public money spent this way would not be thrown away: N.B. The>Breakwater Baths are shortly to be done away with in consequence of the diverting of the city main sewer to the Breakwater, in the proximity of the same. "

The French residents of Auckland are greatly amused by a ludicrous solecism, which a new chum from Jersey has just perpetrated. He prides Himself greatly upon his linguistic knowledge, and more especially upon his acquaintance with the Gallic tongue. Meeting, one day la-t week, with a tew of the most notable of the acclimatised deportes, he entered into conversation with them, and finally, on arriving at the side door of a well-known hostelry, delivered himself with a seductive smile thusly : "Si vous voulez prendre aucune chose je vous regalerai bien volontiers," which being interpreted meaneth, that if they would take nothing he would be very happy to treat them. They were naturally surprised, exchanged significant glances, and then Avith native politeness declined the invitation. He will now perceive the reason.

In this connection it may not be amiss to advert to the humiliation experienced by a pretentious preceptor of youth in this city recently. All his friends and acquaintances looked upon him as quite a prodigy of learning. He was an expert mathematician, a devoted student of science, and could express himself with facility in half-a-dozen European languages, several of which he professed to teach his pupils, amongst them being French. One afternoon, by an unfortunate concourse of atoms, an influential citizen came to him and "besought his assistance as interpreter in a little business matter which he had with M. Cailliau, of the "Muse." The pedagogue declined on the plea of preoccupation, but the friend was willing to wait his convenience. Other difficulties were raised and protestations made, but the friend was still importunate. . A reluctant assent was eventually given, and the two gentlemen were soon on their way to Wellesley-

street. They entered the " Muse " office, found M. Cailliau there, and then the schoolmastei*, who had been framing his sentences on the way, proceeded to unburden himself. He made a short opening statement, and then waited for a response. None came, but the Frenchman was evidently troubled in mind. The trembling linguist tackled the subject in another form, powerfully assisted by pantomimic gestures. M. Cailliau made an animated reply in his vernacular. The pedagogue was horrified ; he couldn't apprehend a word. Then he desperately waded in once more, but the musical editor interupted him with the staggering declaration, "I no understand ye Anglais." M. Peltzer, the local teacher of French, providentially dropped in afc this embarrassing moment, and courteously acted as interpreter between the twain. The crestfallen piincipal of the educational seminary has had to endure an enormous amount of banter since.

It occurred in the Wellesley-street Baptist Church. The sermon was unusually prosy, the congregation was dull, and everything conspired to superinduce an attack of somnolency. An elderly gentleman, of great physical solidity and capacious extent of diaphragm, after feebly fluttering his red bandana against a horde of predacious flics, peacefully subsided into a gentle snooze. After a time a change came over the spirit of his dream. The currents of air which were drawn through his mouth and nostrils met with some obstructions in their passage, and a loud and very unmusical snoring ensued. The old man's variegated proboscis trumpeted most sonorously the several stages in the respiratory process, and the whole congregation, throwing off their listlessness, by a simultaneous effort stood at attention, while the clerical visage assumed a m-ist unchristian appearance. The slumberer went on calmly with his performance oblivions to the wild excitement which he had worked up. At length a stout niatron, in the next scat,, lifted up the. family gingham, and poked the modern Eutiychus with the handle in a determined manner. The third prod brought him to his senses, and in much confusion of mind he essayed to sit bolt upright. The adhesive varnish on the back of the seat however, had a firm hold of his coat, and beyond a loud crackling nothing came <-f the attempt. Then the indignant and corpulent worshipper turned his hecid and glared savagely upon the people in the rear. Once more he essayed to obtain a separation from the seat, and this time the noise of a violent wrench rang through the sacred edifice. The minister put on a look of disgust, and, moved by the sight, quite as much by certain sounds of suppressed merriment, a worthy deacon made for the unhappy dozer. The .aged party's discomfiture was now complete, and he left soon afterwards with a glistening and well-marked coat Moral, beware of the seats in the Baptist Church.

It is so £ eldom that clergymen accept " calls from the Lord " to new spheres of labour when the salary offered is less than that which they are already in receipt of, and it is so very seldom, too, that they decline the calls when the stipend proffered is an increase on the one they are receiving, that it is quite refreshing to note the fact that Bishop Cowie has resisted the seductive offer of the Taten Hill rectorship and £1300 per annum. It may be that it would have been a little hard to descend from the Bishop' throne to the Rector's chair. Personally, however, I give Bishop Cowie credit for all that his action implies, and rejoice that the he-id of the Anglican Church in this provincial district has set an example so worthy to be followed by clergy of all denominations.

A very sad case is that of Mr. Dixon, erstwhile manager of the Stokes Point Sulphur Works.' After making, by sheer hard work, a large fortune, and losing it through the villany of others, he finds himself, at an advanced age, compelled to take refuge from his creditors in the Bankruptcy Court. To many men this Avould be a mere incident — a nothing — entailing certain dissagreeables it is true, but easily got over. Mr. Dixon, Ixowever, lias no Jittle purse laid up for a rainy day or conveniently settled on his wife. The family ar-, in point of fact, in dire distress, and if they have any real friends now is the t'me for them to step forward. Air. Dixon who, of course, knows all about business is looking out for a clerk's or book-keeper's place, and Mrs. Dixon wants to re-open a boarding house. Is there no one who will lend a helping hand.

'A positively heartrending story — when I heard it I wept copiously for several hours — is told about Mr. Lionel Phillips, the popular representative of the Messrs. Enrenfried in this city. Mr. Phillips, as most of you know, is a gentleman who loves good living, and has, so to speak, run somewhat to fat. Three or four months ago this fact began (though why has not been ascertained) to seriously distress him. He longed to be slim again with a great longing, and all day and all night he pondered over a means of achieving that end. One morning, after weary hours of unblinking wakefufness his eye lit on an advertisement of Allans-A nti-Fat, accompanied with numerous testimonials from persons once unhappy and corpulent now joyous and slender. To purchase a bottle of this marvellous elixir was, I need scarcely say, the work of an instant, and then came the perusal of the instructions. As Mr-. Phillips read these his jovial " counting house " grew sad and gloomy. The proprietor of the Anti-Fat lays down the law most strictly for his patients. All good things have to be eschewed, and the diet must be hideously simple. Beer, sugar, wine, pastry and puddings are strictly forbidden, not to mention " stuffed monkeys," " kosher wine," " bolers," " rum shrub ' and many more of those savoury delicacies in which the Hebraic persuasion delight. Mr. Phillips's heart was, however, in the good work before him, and though his cheek paled somewhat, he never even for an instant faltered. Getting weighed forthwith he determined to follow out the Anti-Fat prescription for two months, obeying literally all Mr. Allan's regulations.

Over the horrors that followed I wish to draw a decent veil. Far be it from me to^ disclose the Tanner-like . agonies which this hero and martyr must have suffered during that dreary eight weeks. Suffice to say when others feasted he fasted, when others partook of luscious dishes he looked on envious, and empty, consoled only by an. inner consciousness of decreasing obesity. At length the period of probation was over, and full of hope Mr. Phillips proceeded to the scale. Judge the agonising nature of his feelings when it was discovered that instead of losing substance he had increased FULL 141bs.

A Tauranga contributor sends me the following capital story about a jolly parson in the K district who is, it appears, given to lifting his elbow pretty frequently, and who is moreover in the habit of using the adjacenthotel, together with a few other choice spirits. The Sunday before last, in church, he managed to get through the service until mounting the pulpit, when he fell asleep with his head on the cushion. The congregation, unaccustomed to these little eccentricities, left the church disgusted, upon which the verger, mounting the steps of the pulpit, touched the reverend gentleman, saying at the same time, "They are all empty, sir " (alluding, of course, to the pews). "Fill 'em again," was the reply, intended no doubt for mine host of the Commercial, and the worthy verger retreated discomfited.

You all know X—— •. He is a clerk in one of the leading houses of business here, and passes for being very square and straight-for-ward. Some months ago. this fellow was living at the same boarding hou«e as a friend of mine, named R , who gave X 's employers an order f<ir some whiskey and beer. The account amounted to about £10, and R • paid it immediately, handing over the money to X at dinner one night Now, X was hard up at the time, and. instead of settling the bill, he calmly pocketed the money, trusting to R never asking for a receipt. Soon afterwards, X was transferred to an up-country branch of the same firm, and the other day he wrote to R confessing the theft, and promising to forward the ca*h shortly. The tone of the letter was so cool and impenitent, that R nearly handed over the case to the police at once. Now, however, he has resolved to give the fellow a week to pay the same in. If it is not sent th<n, there will be an expose which will startle folks considerably.

While the common jury was being sworn in at the Supreme Court, on Mouday last, one of " the good men and true " complained to the Judge in a doleful voice that he had served not more than two years previously. His Honour, with a sly twinkle of the eye, thereupon congratulated the disgusted juror upon his good luck in having escaped service for such a length of time. "But," your Honour, persisted the aggrieved one, in an anguished tone, "this is the tHird time in six years," to which the Judge still pretended to misapprehend the purport of the communication. " Oh, indeed ; then you are exceptionally fortunate. You should hope for a continuance of such good fortune. " An audible titter, from the body of the Court, at this instant, made the complainant aware that lie was the object of mirth, and so swallowing his chiller, he remained silent but irascible.

A rather good story reaches me from Waikato. A certain gentleman, and a journalist to boot, whose blood is of the purest azure, and whose proclivities are decidedly High Church, is in the habit of riding round the country districts with the well-known Anglican pastor, who is also known to possess a decided antipathy to what is called " dit-sent." One evening, not long ago, the travellers put up at the hostelry, not a hundred miles from Ngaruawahia, kept by a buxom and well-favoured widow. Giving his horse in charge to the groom, the patrician sauntered into the coffee room, where he became an object of absorbing interest to the pretty waiting-maid, who passed the time gazing at him through the chink of the door hinge until the arrival of one of the male servants of the establishment, to whom she addressed the enquiry, " "Who is he ?" in a mysterious voice. John, taking a look of enquiry, gave it as his opinion, that he must be a local preacher, whereupon Mary Ann turned Tipon him with : " What, do you think such a nice looking gentleman as that would condescend to be a local preacher ?"

In opening St. Stephen's Church Bazaar, on Thursday last, his Worship the Mayor had the hardihood to crack a joke for the benefit of a thoroughly Scotch audience, and he had gained the do'ir before the fact was known. In expressing a wish for the pationage of "the generous public," he said that by giving it they would have the satisfaction of knowing that they had assisted a good cause, and succeeded in lightening the cares and anxieties of the ladies by adding substantially to the weight of their cash-boxes. Despite the suggestive smile which accompanied the utterance of the sentiment, and notwithstanding also the emphasis with which the italicised words were enunciated, no appreciative acknowledgment greeted the sally. The worthy pastor, however, remained in a brown sti\«y after the deliverance of the speech, and just as the Mayor reached the door, on his way out, the Hnes. of gravity on his face became seriously, distorted, and he broke into a hearty laugh." At the/ same moment the audience became intuitively aware that a witticism had really been attempted, and: with remarkeable unanimity every visage became corrugated with smiles, and a chorus; of laughter overtook the minister's solo. Mr v Peacock now regrets that he did not keep the brilliant effort for a larger and more acute assemblage.

Mr. J. B. Russell is suffering from petulance, not flatulence. He objects to being in a minority at the Domain Board, because that somnolent little coterie of old fogies has the presumption to refuse the said minority (better known as Mr. Kussell) its own way. He has poured out the viols of his verbosity to no purpose, he has snickered and smiled with painful earnestness at all the quips and antiquated puns of his elderly fellow members, and gained no object thereby, and he has wasted the fragrance of his complaisance upon the desert air. The Domain Board refuses to see as he wants them to see, and to act as he prescribes, and therefore he is determined to deprive them of his invaluable assistance. How will the foolish body survive the terrible bex^eavement ? Goodness knows —I don't.

The "Free Lance," commenting on the failure of Mr. Mowbray to negotiate the transfers of the Queen's Ferry and Victoria Hotels, says Mowbray was euchred by a woman. Thisis fair play, and illustrative of the lex talionis, for many a woman has been euchred by Master Jack.