ABOUT TOWN

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 3, 2 October 1880, Page 17

ABOUT TOWN

Ever since Monday the ghastly murders in Upper Queen-street and the New North Road have "been an all absorbing topic of conversation. Auckland ers dearly love a sensation, and they have literally revelled in the sanguinary and sickening details elaborated by my daily contemporaries. With this issue I publish some lithographed sketches of the tragedy, drawn from life by " Quiz." They were, as you may imagine, done in a great hurry ; but those who have seen them say the portraits are literally lifelike. No expense has or will be spared to keep the paper up to the mark.

The public would have been better able to estimate the value of the irate " Frederick's " contribution to Monday morning's "Herald " if that gentleman had signed his name in full, instead of attempting to cloak his identity beneath an anonymous signature.

am not, however, going to have dirt, and very grnss dirt (for o\it and out Billinsgate commend me to an angry cleric), flung at the Observer, without knowing the why and wherefore. What does " Frederick " wish to imply- If his letter means anything, it means that tne disputes of a parson with his choir, or of a

parson with his congregation are not fit subjects for critical comment. Now I don't see this at all. Why should the clergy have a lenity extended to them which is denied other men in public positions ? When there is a dispute between the Council and its employees, or the Institute and its employees, or a theatrical manager and his employees, the affair is at once taken up by the press, and handled from every point of view. The fact of the matter ia these Church rows reflect unpleasantly on the parsons concerned, and they would like if possible to hush them up. My own impression is that what appeared in these columns about St. Thomas's was correct. It is no breach of faith to state that the information came from members of the congregation, three of whom (questioned separately) agreed as to details.

The Allan West dance at the Choral ijall was a success. Our artist went, and lias depicted Mr. West as he appeared when directing^ the country dance. He, however, understands very little of the characteristics of those diminutive specimens of humanity "whom we call children, or he would not have made the mistake of allowing them ' the first interval for refreshment. Whatever there might have been previously, there was very little left when the adults went into the refreshment room, and the table presented a very forlorn aspect indeed. True, there were plenty of bottles, but ala% they were empty, and the coveted lemon-

ade was gone. From n solitary corner, "Quiz " sketched sufficient of the scene to amuse melancholy and doleful recollections in the minds of many. En passant, an amusing incident, which really happened, may be mentioned. During the interval set apart for refreshment, two ladies and a young gentleman came into the ante-room. The latter gazed dreamily along the table through his eye-glass, and drawled "Aw ! weally, nothing left, aw !" "Oh, yes," replied a well-meaning young man, " there is a bottle of raspberry, and a bucket of water at the other end of the table. " " Well, that all?" returned the exquisite, and then to the intense amusement of those in the vicinity, an irreverent young colonial gasped out, "Moses, how much more can you drink !"

Monsieur Longuet, the polite tonsorial artist of Wellesley-stteet, is still besieged by anxious enquiries after his departed neighbours From the solicitude manifested re the Avelfare of Mrs. Long, the fashionable milliner, it would appear that the worthy lady's sudden exit, without notifying her friends, is a source of profound grief to a wide circle. The part played by the missing eradicator of corns and bunions is equally mysterious and remarkable ; so that the story, though not altogether fresh, is perhaps worth telling. "Professor Montagu Scott" was a victim of doimstic infelicity. When he resolved to extend his benevolent labours to Auckland he left a wife on her own resources in Sydney. The " Professor " took premises in Hewin's Buildings, near the junction of Wel-lesley-street with Queen-street, and made known to the world,- by a gorgeously painted window, that martyrs to tight boots and other ills that flesh is heir to, might yet retrieve the consequences of youthful folly. Mrs. Long was also unlucky in her connubial relations, and finding herself under the necessity of providing for five children, opened, in Hobsonstreet, a temple for the adornment and decoration of the fair. Kemoving afterwards to Wel-lesley-street, the coincidence of chances brought under the shelter of one roof these two frightful examples of Cupid's mistakes. What more natural than that they should compare notes ? The communications between the emporium for straw and feathers and the chiropodical operat-ing-room were suspiciously frequent, and stimulated one or two observant creditors to unpleasant activity. The "Professor" abruptly realised on his surgery fittings at au alarming sacrifice, and Madam Long's belongings were simultaneously packed, with care, in boxes not bearing that lady's name. But pecuniary obstacles prevented the departure of the Professor's affinity, and these were only removed by a serious draft on his slender resources. The bargain does not strike one as particularly advantageous, for the lady is neither young or beautiful — she is, in point of fact, excessively plain. The family encumbrances, for five of whom passages to Sydney were taken by the ardent chiropodist, would also have frightened a less determined man. But then these romantic creatures can never be judged by commonplace standards.

Who is the new "beauty who has taken up her residence in Ponsonby ? The young men of that aristocratic suburb rave about her, and the young ladies are being consumed with jealousy in consequence. She has a delicate complexion, long black eye-lashes, a small and oval face, a bewitching smile which discloses a perfect set of pearly teeth, a swelling bust, tantalising waist, little feet, a shapely figure, and a graceful carriage. In fact, some of the more gushing youths declare her gait to be the very poetiy of motion. She wears a black lustre dress, trimmed with ribbons, and her headgear consists of a dainty little bonnet, covered with adornments of a maroon colour. I would say that she is a« beautiful as a poet's dream were I not afraid that the poets Grigg and Blackman might imagine there was some covert insinuation in the simile.

Last week, I told you how young H ,of the customs, had been swindled out of a £1 note, by a person standing at a shop door, who professed to be the shopkeeper. Well, last Saturday evening the youth in question was passing down Queen-street, when one of the crowd accosted him, and handing out a sealed envelope, slipped away. Our friend took an early opportunity of opening the missive, and Avas agreeably surprised to iind that it contained a £1 note. There was also a slip of paper, with the following sentence scribbled on it, "Thanks for loan."

When a "dem'cl good natured friend' pointed out the well-meant warning in the " Free Press " about avoiding personalities, I am afraid I sniggered consumedly. " Personalities in journalism," observes Mr. Brame, "are intolerable." Well, really, my dear sir, you ought to know, for of all the papers ever published in Auckland yours has contained the most. One name, that of John Carr King, will alone recall scores of instances, not to mention the inuendoes about handsome Father So-and-so, and the queer stories about Mrs. ,of H. I might remind you, too, of a letter signed " Printer's Devil " and— but we had better not rake up old stories. Thanks for the kindly advice, which, I am sure, was well meant. True Christianity and love for your fellow men breathes through every column of the "Free Press." Old folks, I kn«w, don't like being admonished or I should say try and become more liberal in tone. Your subsidises I am aware, require a column or two of Billingsgate about the Catholics every week ; but that sort of thing repeated so constantly becomes awfully monotonous. It is much more entertaining to read a really clever leader, ]ike you occasionally write, pitching into some genuine abuse. Above all, Mr. Brame, do snuff out that intolerable bore "Ulster Maori."

Hearing that Mr. Nelson is much incensed against the Observer, and wishing to smooth liini down a bit I have determined to pay the rev. gentle|man the delicate of imhis | classic features in ink, and transmitting them to a grateful posterity through the columns of my much maligned journal. After this we ought surely to kiss and be friends. Come, make it up Nelsy dear, make it up.

At the last moment the sale of the Victoria Hotel, which everyone anticipated would be brought to an issxie this week, fell through. It appears the intending purchaser has not been in good health for sometime past, and his wife diasaproving of the terms of the projected transfer, induced Dr. Goldsborough to sign a certificate, stating that Mr. is not in a fit state, just at present, to conclude an important business transaction. All the conveyances Avere drawn oxit and deeds engrossed. Moreover, Mr. Hill was in treaty for the Queen's Ferry Hotel in Vulcan Lane. The change of plans at the last moment must have been very aggravating to him.

I should imagine that one of our local celebrities has been " on the wallabi" recently, as tlie following story conies from abroad. A traveller went into an hotel, sat down and rang a. bell to summon the waiter. When that worthy came he said, "Tell the 'boots' to bring me the boot-jack." The menial did so, and presently '"' boots " appeared, and laid a boot- jack down by the traveller's chair. The latter took it up, iooked at it, and said, " Call that a boot-jack. Why it's only a toy. Take it away and bring me a proper one." The "boots" (a nigger) looked at the traveller's feet and then at the boot-jack. Finally he said, "Well, sah, if I had a looked at them boots of yours I'd have known it war no use to bring you that ere boot-jack. If you want to pull them off yer must just go back to de fork of deroad."

There is a practice prevalent in Auckland which evinces a remarkable dullness of the moral sense. No one seems too respectable, or too religious, to take what are generally called " commissions," though the plainer name, "black-mail," appears more applicable. A messenger is sent to settle an account, and has entrusted to him by his employer the exact sum payable. But he has no intention of handing over the amount justly due ; he considers himself entitled to keep back part as a perquisite or douceur for himself for the trouble he is pxit to, or perhaps as a fair recompense for the bestoAval of the favours he has, or thinks he has, at command. The tradesman reluctantly, and often under protest, allows the "commission," and hands back, with a sigh, the invoice receipted in full. Now, this brief description will suit, with a little modification according to the social position of the messenger, the various episodes of the kind which are happening daily. I have said the position of the persons laying claim to the perquisites varies. Sometimes it is the secretary of a public institution, drawing an ample salary, and reckoned in the public estimation as altogether above soiling his hands with bribes. Sometimes it is only a bank messenger, but even he will demand his poiir boire as imperatively as the first-named. One day it will be a functionary moving in ecclesiastical circles, a pillar of the church, active in philanthropic matters, and on familiar terms with "my lord," the Bishop. Another, the representative of a public company, steps in to pay an acconnt for his employers, pockets the receipt, and along with it his share of the plunder, which often amounts to a considerable sum. Even if these worthy people had any prickings of conscience when they first contracted the bad habit, they have none whatever now ; constant use has given the proverbial property of easiness. But though the takers of bribes may have grown obtuse, the immorality of the custom has in no degree diminished. It is a rotten system, disgraceful, indefensible. All attempts to justify it only make it appear the worse. By it two wrongs are done, one to the payer, the other to the payee. Either the former is defrauded of more than he should justly pay, or eke the latter is mulcted of a discount he cannot afford to give. If there are discounts to be given, who should get the benefit of them ? The employers or the gobetweens. It is quite certain thatthe corrupt servants have not their masters' interests at heart ; and it is also certain, from the secresy which they desire to throw over the transactions, that they are ashamed of them.

The hon. member for Newton has always waxed eloquent over the enormities of the Civil Service. This subject is his peculiar speciality so to speak. Whenever he rises in his place in the House, and stands with one foot on the floor, and the other cocked tip on the seat "behind him, and whenever he with more than his usua energy inserts his fore-finger into the heel of his shoe, and in that graceful position proceeds to pull his shoe on and off his foot, then the members of the Civil Service quake, for they know he is " going" for them. " Wully " has a great contempt for a pedentary occupation, in his opinion every able-bodied man should put on moleskins and a blue shirt, and look as if thoroughly accustomed to hard work even though he does none. If, however, any folks desire to know the style of civil servant "Wully' 1 would foist on a long-suffering public, supposing he had his way, let them call at the Property-tax, Office and interview the latest addition, placed there on the recommendation of the immaculate member for Newton. His face is well known in Auckland as an electioneering canvasser.

A ship, which shall be nameless, arrived at the Queen-street wharf from London not long ao-o, bringing a goodly number of pas-engers. A^mongst them was an ex parson and his wife (newly-married), who came on board just before the vessel set sail. For a few days all went merry as a marriage bell. By and bye, however, the divine showed signs of being tired of his wife's society and tried to make friends amongst the passengers. Most of them fought rather shy of him, but on one family, to whom he was very civil, he made a favourable impression. A=> time passed my gentleman altogether abandoned his wife, and commenced flirting outrageously with the daughter of the folks referred to. His good lady he represented as his sister, and the dodge doesn't seem to have been found out. On arrival in port the passengers anticipated the aifair would end. Nothing of the kind. The husband invented excuses for leaving his wife, and in time she found out he was playing the same old game. Then the much tried lady rebelled, and putting a pistol one fine evening to her darling hubby's ear, threatened to let it off unless he promised to give up Ms evil ways. The pledge was taken, and for a time kept, but a little bird tells me this clerical gay Lothario is now paying his addresses in another quarter. Mothers and husbands beware.

"It is the intention of his Excellency the Governor to enter the lease Coromandel." Such was the dread notice recently issued by Warden Kenrick, of the Thames, to the proprietors of a certain mining property. Now, what does that mean? Can it be that Sir Arthur Gordon is about to signalise his advent by assuming the role of a gubernatorial lumper? How will his Excellency enter-- by the shaft bucket, in gorgeous apparel, accompanied by liveried and pampered menials, or will he stealthily annex the property in the humble moleskin of the plodding and solitary "hatter?" While pausing for a reply, I take this early opportunity of wishing Sir Arthur the luck of "striking it heavy." We Observer chaps also mildly hint that should his jumping turn out trumps, we shall be open to accept a sleeping share in the concern "free of calls."

Some eighteen years ago, shortly after the great rush set in from Victoria to the newlyfound gold fields in Otago, amongst the passengers who arrived in a crowded steamer from Melbourne, was Yogel. As yet Fortune, that fickle goddess, had not been wooed and •won by the illustrious Julius, and when he, for the first time, trod New Zealand soil he was in a state that may not be inaptly termed, hard up. Walking along one of the— then only partly formed — streets of the city of Dunedin, yogel spied a dapper little man in cord pants, knee boots, and Avith a riding whip in hand, his appearance leading to the conclusion that he was a bit of a sport in his way. "Ha ! Rowley," exclaimed Yogel, recognising in the dapper little man an Australian acquaintance, " are you here ? What's doing, eh ; what job are you on ?" J ' Oh !" said Rowley, ' ' I'm a newspaper agent." "Well, look here, you know the newspaper proprietors. There's two papers ain't there?" "Yes, two papers." "Well, Rowley, I want something to do, and you be kind enough to oblige me by telling the newspaper people that yoxi know a gentleman who ha* just arrived from Melbourne who knows how to write. " Rowley having promised to do what lie could for his Australian friend "who knew how to write," left him for the time being. A few days later Yogel was engaged on one of the newspaper.*, the columns of which soon showed that new life and spirit had been thrown into the paper. There was no doubt about it that a gentleman had been engaged who really knew how to write. Shortly afterwards the public discovered that the rival paper, by some mean-, had also secured the services of a gentleman that knew how to write, and the war that waged between the two papers was fierce. One fine morning, however, the newspaper people discovered something strange. One newspaper received an article that was intended for its rival. It was in Vogel's handwriting. The cat was then out of the bag. Yogel had been writing at the same time for the two newspapers. There was a rumpus, and the gentleman from Melbourne who knew how to write, for a brief space of time, subsided — in fact sank. But Yogel, like a cork, as the world knows, soon popped up again. Rowley has .gone to his last home, and sleeps under the .green turf in the Symonds-street Cemetery.

The Latter-Day Saints in this city are passing through great tribulation. They meet every .Sunday in the Newton Hall, and the audience is almost always composed in great part of unbelievers, who apparently attend with the <louble object of amusing themselves and annoying the Mormons. Their efforts in both directions are generally successful, conversation is freely indulged in, and is also interspersed with feminine giggles and subdued masculine laughs. Now and then the presiding " elders " appeal to the auditory to behave themselves, but no one heeds the exhortation. Occasionally the Newton larrikins obtain admittance and then the fun " grows fast and furious." They make indescribable noises, and when anything is said contrary to their own profound religious convictions they ejaculate loudly, " It's a lie !" or " you're a liar!" They are fond too of playful pranks. Once they seized the small hose, which hangs in the lobby to be used in case of fire, and, turning on the water, commenced to play on the roof, terribly alarming the faithful, who imagined they were about to be burned out. Elder Batt will sometimes charge the whole crowd, and then the larrikins fly like chaff "before the wind, returning however as soon as that worthy and muscular Saint has resumed .Ms seat. The local constable winks at these things, and says oracularly "The Mormons, sir, are a bad lot, and they ought to be put down." . Verily the lines of the "Saints" have not fallen in pleasant places,

" Truth " of July 29th, contains an article on New Zealand finarice, from which I extract the following paragraph. It is written by one of the shrewdest members of the London Stock Exchange and deserves careful attention. " The last NeAv Zealand loan, which was £5,000,000, was issued on commission by the Bank of England, and, of course, with such a sponsor, it was eagerly applied for. On that occasion I protested against a quasi public institution like the Bank giving its name to a loan that ought never to have been issued. It does not always follow that those who push credit to its utmost limits become bankrupt. New Zealand may be able to recover herself. But that the Colony should be able to borrow at under 5 per cent, is absurd, for the rate of interest depends upon the value of the security offered, and the sole security offered by New Zealand is that emigration and the most careful economy in the future may enable her to avoid bankruptcy. My own conviction is that so soon as the piiblic in England become alive to the real condition of her finances, they will decline to lend her more money, and that not long after this easy m mode of balancing revenue with expenditure is cut off, she will have to suspend payments."

A rather lively little scene took place in an auction mart in Queen-street the other day. Two sons of Abraham were making purchases at the sale. Let us call one Isaac and the other Jacob. Isaac was anxious to buy one particular line of goods, but had an engagement elsewhere, and could not wait till they were put up. Jacob told him that he did not want the goods himself, so he would be happy to bid for his friend. The oiler was accepted, and the articles were knocked down to Jacob for a mere song. Isaac transacted his business and going back to the auction mart, was informed by his dear friend Jacob that he had purchased the goods for himself, but he was willing to sell them to his friend Isaac at a small profit. "Then," like Nebuchadnezzar, "Isaac was full of fury, and the form of his visage was changed against Jacob." He first stretched forth his hand and smote him to the ground, and then lied precipitately up the street. The worthy auctioneer approached Jacob as he was gathering himself together preparatory to resuming a perpendicular position, and an interesting and animated conversation took place, which terminated in a striking and sensational tableau. At first Jacob breathed out threatenings of slaughter against his quondam friend Isaac, but at length cooler counsels prevailed, and he wisely resolved to pocket the insult — and the profit.

So poor little Searell has lost the action which lie instituted pro bono publico. The disputed four-and-sixpence Avas reduced by the Court to one-and-sixpence, and for that most ridiculous amount judgment was given, the decision of Court carrying with it an order for incidental costs, £3 7s. (id. If that one-and-sixpence could have been explained away the cabby would have had to bear the burden of the costs. How near to success and yet after all to miss it ! " Oh, the pity of it, Luscombe, the pity of it."

There is a certain hostelry in Parnell adorned over the door with a iigure of the god Hermes. Why the frozen image is exhibited there seems doubtful. Possibly it is because some of the grog-bottles within are hermetically sealed ; or perhaps the mercurial effects produced by the too potent liquors may be the reason. However, there are attracted thither, with praiseworthy regularity, when the shades of night have cast a concealing pall over the scene, uo uiiinnuential proportion of the elite of the locality, who usually wend not their tortuous way back to the bosoms of their families till after "ye cocks have crowed a merrie midnight." To reveal the names of these gentry, some of whom are shining lights in educational, official, banking, and commercial circles, would prove a surprise to which an earthquake would be esteemed a mere bagatelle. It is not my intention at present to do so, though the disclosure may cause these pages to blush at a not very distant date. It is possible, however, to spring another mine (which couldn't fail to startle with an effect nothing short of volcanic) by recording the names of the frequenters of the above-indicated establishment on Sundays. Certain waggish euphemists call it going to the "Sunday School;-' and "service" goes on at nearly every hour of the day and far into the night with great spirit and enthusiasm. How it is the two lynx-eyed custodians of the peace of Parnell doii't spoil the little game of these barrel-loving citizens is a mystery which caps that of the Great Pyramid itself. My ingenuity has given it up, completely foiled ; I reluctantly leave it to be decided by Boniface and the constables themselves. Anyhow this is a hint to the latter ta rub the dust out of their eyes.

At a "baptismal service, held some little time ago at one of our little Bethels, the victim, sister C, retired into their vestry, which was partitioned oft" into two compartments, to divest herself of the baptismal dress and array herself once more in her ordinary apparel. The officiating minister also went into the vestry— not the same compartment of course — for a similar purpose. But alas, just as he had denuded himself, he found that sister C. had the only towel in the place ! He stood some little time in a state of perplexity, coldness, and misery, and then he could endure it no longer. "Sister C.," he cried, "be as quick as you can with that towel, and when you have done, please throw it over the partition." He heard a merry laugh from the other side, and shortly after the towel came over. A special church meeting was held as soon as possible, when it was resolved, after due discussion, to purchase a second towel.

A well-known would-be wit received, last Tuesday, a letter from the manager of a bank not fifty miles from Wyndham-street, telling him he had overdrawn his account £IS7O, and it must be immediately attended to. By way of reply, he politely acknowledged receipt of the epistle, and stated that he had drawn another cheque for £10, making the total £1880, the same as the year we live in, and that thus he would be less likely to forget the amount. Ananias.