Untitled

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 2, 25 September 1880, Page 10

H. to sit quietly in the draAving-room upstairs, as he objected to her larking in the bar parlour, through Avhich strangers constantly passed. Mrs. Hart promised faithfully to obey her lord and master ; but directly his back Avas turned forgot all about the matter. Returning unexp -ctedly he found her not merely in the bar parlour but chatting familiarly Avith his particular aversion, Teddy. Ot course there Avas a roAV and a subsequent coolness. On another occasion Mr. Hart discovered Teddy indulging in the exquisitely funny game of "£>igby ? ' Avith Mrs. H. •'" Digby," I must explain, is a playful dig in the ribs given by one person to another, and accompanied by a noise, which can only be described on paper as ke-e-e-ik Noav, Mr. Hart didn't at all approve of the " Digby" business, and addressed someAvhat forcible language to "Teddy." HoAA^ever, the affair blew over, and nothing serious happened till the night of tlvi entertainment at the North Shore. What Mr. and Mrs. Hart fell out about seems uncertain, but " Teddy " Avas present and interfered. Hart, avlio had drunk a good deal, said something insulting to his wife, upon Avhich she seized a bottle, and Avas going to strike him Avith it when he knocked it out of her hand. The lady then shrieked ancl fell fainting into " Teddy's " arms. This sight so incensed Hart that he Avent f or -'Teddy," who dropped Mrs. H. into a chair and fled precipitately into an adjacent bedroom. Hart rolloAved and began to batter at the locked door, addressing his quondam friend as " You Avorm, you conglomeration of capital Bs and D's, &c." "Teddy" having made himself safe by double locking the door and piling the chairs, chest of draAvers, bed, Avashing stand and toilet accessories against it, expressed his indifference to Hart's threats, and retorted in language at once dramatic and effective. This Avent on for a few moments, till the besieger, getting tired of a fruitless discussion, returned doAvn-stairs and commenced addressing sundry full flavoured compliments, not only to his AAdfe, but also to Mr. and Mrs. Hill. He Avas disagreeably derisive re the management of the hotel, and (as alleged in Court) used a number of very ugly Avords. About this time Mr. Jack Russell entered, and not seeing the why and Avherefore of these abusive epithets came to the rescue of beauty in distress, and plugged Hart in the eye. He then drove the little man back inside the bar, till seeing lie was going to get it hot, Hart made a dash at about half-a-dozen bottles, and after smashing four or five managed to grasp one Avith Avhich, as Aye knoAv, he laid Russell's head open. The fat was then in the fire. Hill having been grossly insulted wouldn't hear of a compromise, though Jack Russell himself didn't particularly wish to press the matter. Nobody, hoAvever, thought more than a fine Avould be imposed, and so the jealous husband Avas Avalked off to gaol. All concerned are sorry iioav that the matter Avent* so far. Poor Hart had certainly some justification for his strange conduct, and though I don't Avish to palliate the ruffianism of his insults to the Hills. I must say I think it Avould have been good policy to let them pass. A Police Court case never does an hotel any good.

Mrs. A. sits near the door of one of our suburban churches, Avhile Mr. B. sits thirty or forty feet aAvay from it. Mrs. A. is a very good old lady, beloved by all Avho knoAV her, especially by the poor of the neighbourhood, to whom she is very kind. Mr. 8., on the other hand, is loved by nobody save by perhaps the members of his oavii family. His occupation, moreover, is not such as to procure him many friends, as he lives by the misfortunes of his felloAv men. On a recent Sunday morning Mrs. A. felt the heat in church very oppressive, so she left her seat ancl Avent ancl opened the door. She had hardly reseated herself Avhen B. left his seat, Avalked to the door and closed it. Again Mrs A. opened it, but once more B. closed it. A third time Mrs. A. opened it, and a third time didß. close it. Then Mrs. A. saAv that there avis no use trying to keep the door open, so she ,--ive it up and put up Avith the heat for the rest of the service. Polite creature A., isn't he ?

Notwithstanding Mr. D. Ruby so emphatically denies the truth of my story about a certain young gentleman falling through his verandah into the street, it is quite true. The original version, I am told, came from the oyster man's own lips, and several persons can testify to seeing a carpenter mending the place. After all there is nothing so very dreadful in it. Boys Avill be boys, and nobody thinks any the Avorse of a fellow for a harmless frolic. I'm quite sure the chief actor in the affair wouldn't condescend to deny it. Indeed, if I Avere certain of his name it might be Avortli Avhile to ask him to bear me out.

There are some very cute young men in Auckland, and until last Aveek, Mr. H — , of H.M. Customs, considered himself to be one of these. The conceit Ava«, hoAvever, taken out of him very effectually the other evening, ancl noAV he does not profess to be anything superior to ordinary mortals. Passing a fancy store in tOAvn, his eye rested on a pretty article exposed for sale, and impressed Avitli the idea that it would form a nice present for a certain young lady avlio shall be nameless, he determined to purchase it. Stepping up to a bare-headed young man Avhoni he took for the shopkeeper ancl avlio Avas leaning against the door post, lie enquired tbe price of the article in question, and Avas informed, "five shillings." Taking out a £1 note he handed it over, but the other said he had no change, and immediately Avent in search of it. In the meantime, our young friend sauntered leisurely into the shop, and was there accosted by a youth behind the counter. Mr. H explained that he bad paid for a certain article in the windoAV, and desired that it should be wrapped up for liim. Imagine his astonishment and chagrin Avhen he was informed that the person outside had no connection Avith the shop, and that he had better go and look after his money. He did "go," but strange to say, he lias not yet been successful in his search.

The brothers Mayhew wrote a book entitled "The Greatest Plague of Life," the major portion of Avhich Avas penned by Gus MaheAv, avlio had been put to serious inconveniences in his household by freaks of " servantgalism. " The book is a slightly exaggerated account of the author's troubles in connection Avith the kitchen. Mr. and Mrs. AliAvay, of Apollo Cottage, NeAvmarket, have recently experienced similar troubles. Their cook, Avhich. Mr. AllAvay imported from London, turned restive and refused to cook veal cutlets on the Sabbath. Mary Daley Avas a AvidoAV, and had, according to her uncontradicted statement, been a lady in Scotland, near to Glasgow, but circumstances compelled her to turn to cooking for a livelihood. Mary Avas a thorough co<>k, but, being a Scotch Avoman and a rigid AgneA\ r arian, objected to cooking veal cutlets on the Lord's day ; but at the same time Avas not over nice in other matters. Mrs. Airway scolded, Mr. Airway persuaded, and AvidoAV Mary retorted. High Avoids f<-lloAved — a push and a squeeze — Sergeant Jackson Avas sent for, but that gentleman, it Avas surmised, Avas gone to church, as his manly form was not A'isible'in the shadoAV of the buckling trees. Mary Avas ordered out of tlie house, but she Avould not go— it was in Scotch parlance the " Lord's Day." Mary summoned her master and mistress for an assault, but the evidence being conflicting, and the truth, in a Avell and too deep doAvn for justice to discover, tlie case Avas dismissed, cookey having to pay costs.

On Friday afternoon last Mr. Garrulous Garrard, the talkative old man, avlio pretends to be interesting himself on behalf of the unemployed, made his appearance at this office ancl announced that he Avas going to hold forth from the bell in Queen-street that evening. He then modestly requested that a capable reporter should be present to take cloavu his utterances A r erbatim, and above all to transmit them to posterity in extenso. Mr. Garrard, I find, does not think much of the "Herald" and the "Star." Although those journals have devoted far more space to his foolish speeches than they deserved, and inserted many of his adA'ertisements free gratis for nothing he blackguards them consistently, and directly a neAV paper like the OBSERVER is printed turns them both up Avithout remorse. This just slioavs lioav much gratitude such a man is capable of. HoAvever, I promised to tell Mr. Garrard exactly Avhat I thought of his speech, and I have uoav much pleasure in doing so. Your speech, Mr. Garrard, Avas the speech of an ignorant and illiterate demagogue, avlio uses a chance agitation for purposes of selfglorification. If there are any real unemployed, Avhich I am beginning to doubt, the sooner they shake themselves free from your thrall the better it Avill be for them. People suspect you, sir, (Avhether rightly or Avrongly I know not) of being an egregious humbug, a man fonder of talking than Avorking, and Avhilst this is the case your adA r ocacy of the cause does it infinitely more harm than good.

A contributor writes: "I aa\is sitting comfortably in my barber's chair in Queen-street, enjoying a cooling crop, under the tAVO-edged "Sheffield" of the active hairdresser, when suddenly and unceremoniously a man rushed into the soap ancl brush sanctum. ' What is it ?' asked Barber Eagleton, ' Sixpence, or a shilling if you like,' baAA'led the singular intruder. ' You are the people's tonsor, and Avill surely subscribe to the fund of the unemployed. ' ' What is your object?' demanded Eagleton. ' To take a hall, to be sure, ancl be respectable, ' muttered the first speaker, avlio turned out to be Garrard, the uivworking man's orator, and future representative of the people. ' Sit down,' said Eagleton, ancl have your head shaved. ' Garrard bolted. "

Garrulous Garrard is going to start an "organ — not a church organ, nor a barrel-organ, but a "rag ,' organ — or in other Avoids, a neAvspaper. The funds for the raAV material Avill be advanced by Messrs. Feltus and Co. on most liberal terms, the quid pro quo being that the spouter advocate (in decent English) the cause of the sons of old colonists. The position of chief editor is held open for Mr. Christopher GreenaAvay, pending his return from a tour of inspection of the sanitary arrangements adopted iv the South. The orthography-despising proprietor reserves for himself the billet of sub-editor, deficiency in salary to be made up by subscriptions from the unemployed. The person avlio Avill have laboriously to spell out ancl translate, and render intelligible the effusions of editor ancl sub-editor, is allotted the highest salary of all. This is because his office Avill be no sinecure. He Avill require to possess at least a superficial acquaintance with Sanscrit, or Arabic, or Cingalese, or any other foreign language Avhich the GreenaAvay and Garoard hieroglyphics may be supposed to represent. The proud position of sporting editor is solemnly pledged to the cabby Avbo did the liberal to the agitator. Salary (in advance), also guaranteed verbally by Feltus ancl Co. The venture must prove a good thing—especially for the agitator— if the duty and privilege of paying subscriptions in advance be urgently and successfully enforced.

Can anyone inform us lioav the unlined ceiling of the dilapidated coAvshed knoAvn as the Resident Magistrate's Court conies to be ornamented Avith a chevaux de frise of steeland quill pens. On my last visit tliitlier, I counted no less than thirteen. Some are feathered by paper, as a means of directing their flight, Avhile they cover an extensive area of ceiling, shoAAdng that either the projectors of them were very bad marksmen, or that they aimed at no target, but merely for idle amusement. This destruction of stationery goods is laid to the charge of the sportive Avig-and-gOAvns avlio frequent the Court. A rumour says, Avith AAdiat measure of truth I knoAV not, that the period of suspense Avliicli precedes the entrance of the Magistrate is often relieved by an al fresco archery match, in which young and old barristers engage Avith equal zest. Quiz intends to be present at the next contest.

The entrance of our artist into the R:M. Court for the prosecution of a sketching enterSjrise, had a wonderful effect upon the presiding 'unctionaries last Thursday. The Magistrate who had been " doing " a hearty guffaw at some legal pleasantry suddenly dreAV himself up into a striking position, and composed his features into Avhat Avas intended to he an expression of judicial dignity, Avlrile Lodge, the clerk, AAdiom common report sets doAVn as the crossest old (curmudgeon in Christendom, furtively Avhet his fingers for the purpose of titivating his snoAvy curls, and then, to the intense amazement of the spectators, blossomed into a radiant smile pf such unusual duration that it Avas feared he had. been unexpectedly seized Avith the collywobbles, or some other equally inscrutable ailment. The Avitnesses looked abashed, Avhile the reporters, remembering the fate of Robinson and Blackman in the loAver Court, incontinently cleared, nor ventured to return till after dinner.

Elder Sorenson, of Latter Day Saint celebrity, is not finding the Avork of proselyting so congenial and easy as he at first imagined it. Dirty little boys manifest a strange predilection for pelting him Avith stones, and assailing him with rude remarks Avhen opportunity offers, Avhile some members oflhis congregation display a singular forgetf ulness of good manners. On a recent occasion the Elder Avas reciting in pigeon English, profusely interlarded Avith choice Americanisms, the i-genious little story of the discovery of the golden tablets by Joseph Smith, Avhen an excited sailor jumped to his feet, and, Avith the voice of a Stentor, informed the Apostle that it was a sanguinary lie. The precise adjective used by our seafaring friend is not included in our vocabulary ; but it Avas A r ery expressive, albeit somewhat vulgar. More recently the propagandist Avas interrupted in a Sunday deliverance by a listener asking if he might be alloAved to quench his thirst from the jug Avhich stood upon the table. After a moment's hesitation, a reply Avas given in the •affirmative. The querist, Avithout further ado, swaggered up to the table, poured some Avater into a tumbler, held it up to the light for critical examination, sniffed at it with the gravity of a professional analyst, tasted it cautiously, and then Avith a lugubrious expression upon his face, deliberately emptied the contents upon the floor, and marched back to his seat. The audience "smiled audibly," Avhile the Elder regarded the scum Avith a look the signification of Avhich Avas unmistakably bellicose.

Mr. Goodman ancl Mr. Worldlyman undertook a Government survey contract. The latter had finished his share of the Avork, but the former had still a good deal of his to do. When their cheques arrived from Wellington, Mr. Goodman immediately hurried aAvay to the certifying officer and asked him _to countersign it. The officer, hoAvever, objected as the Avork Avas not completed, but Goodman told him that it Avas all right ; his share of the Avork Avas almost finished, and Worldlyman AA'ould complete it before he presented his cheque. The officer, believing this statement, countersigned the cheque, and Goodman Avent aAvay. Soon after he had gone Worldlyman arrived with his cheque, and asked the certifying officer to countersign it. That official said he could not, as the Avork Avas not completed. Worldlyman then said, "Don't you kuoAv I have completed my share of the Avork?" "Yes," Avas the reply, "but Mr. Goodman came up and got his cheque countersigned, telling me that the work Avas* almost finished, and that you Avould complete it before you presented your cheque." Mr. Worldlyman left the office quite satisfied that nowadays at any rate "the children of this Avorld are ' not ' Aviser than the children of light. "

My Thames contemporaries, in noticing the first issue of the Observer, comment someAvhat severely on Avhat they are pleased to term the egotistical tone running through, its columns. The remark is unfortunate, inasmuch as it slioavs that the Avriters are entirely unacquainted Avitli the English society journals, on the lines of Avhich this paper is avoAvedly modelled. If they Avere in the habit of seeing such literature they Avould scarcely need to be told that, by this class of Aveekly, the niystcious and impersonal "AA'e" has long been abandoned. Mr. Labouchere, Mr. Edmund Yates, Mr. Legge and other popular Avriters are of opinion that it is unde-irable to use the first person plural in chronicling social gossip. Moreover they abhor humbug, ancl see no reason Avhy a respectable journalist should seek to shuffle his identity beneath a cloak of impersonality. Just at first, perhaps, the constantly recurring "I " may sound a little strange ; but contributors are instructed t > — as far as possible— aA'oicl its repetition, and doubtless Avill do so Avhen they get more accustomed to the method. As to the accusation of egotism, I repel it Avitli scorn. Though for the reasons named, as Avell as for convenience sake, and because one person alone is responsible for everything that appears in the paper, the pronoun "I" is used throughout, there are more individual ancl independent opinions expressed in one issue of the Observer than in tAventy " Thames Advertisers."

The "ructions " at St. Paul's are by no means over. Yesterday morning certain members of choir called at the Observer Office, ancl requested me to state most emphatically that they have not apologised, ancl don't intend to apologise, to Mr. Nelson. Professor SAvalloAv, indeed, says lie Avould rather be burnt alive than so degrade himself, ancl the sentiments of the male " singists " appear to be very similar. As for Mr. Nelson having gained a complete triumph, they consider he has come very badly out of the affair. Wait till they meet him in the street, that's all. Ananias.

— Lots of quiet flirting Avas got through at the Institute on Saturday evening. Young couples, Avitli heads close together, might _ have been seen bending over every frame, and it Avas astonishing lioav long it took investigate the charms of a single object.