ABOUT TOWN

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 1, 18 September 1880, Page 1

ABOUT TOWN

On the occasion of a first appearance like this, it is usual, I am told, to put forward one of those delectable effusions of " blarney "and "blatheum" known as an inaugural address. You must really excuse me dear readers. (N.B. Why is a reader always ' dear ?') if I decline to do anything of the kind. A prospectus has been published in the daily papers, and the objects of the Observer are, or ought to be, perfectly well known. One point, however, it does appear worth while laying some stress upon, and that is that the independence of the paper is real, and not assumed. There is no mysterious monied man behind me to say, "do this "or" do that. " lam not bound to support the great Pro-Consul and his followers ; neither am 1 compelled to heap opprobmms epithets on the backs of the Ministry. Fu- ds will not be found for the Observer by Good Templars, or Oddfellows ; neither is the paper likely to identify itself Avith any religious sect or persuasion. -My object in point of fact will be to cultivate that best of all good qualities' in a journalist, "commonsense," and to deal out to all parties alike sound and impartial criticism.

This issue must not be taken as a sample of what " The Observer " will be when we get into working order. Truth to tell, it has been put together very hurriedly to enable us to publish on the advertised date, and neither letterpress nor illustrations are what I could wish. A lot of new type is on its way in the Orient liner "Cuzco." and another headpiece, by M. Alma Tadema, A.R.A., has been arranged for. I am also concluding negotiations with Miss Braddon and Miss Khoda Broughton for their forthcoming works of fiction, and hope to commence the latter's popular story, "Second Thoughts," a few weeks hence.

Some good folks who are almost too clever for this world have, with an acuteness and perspicacity which would be marvellous if it wasn. tso exasperating, put two-and-two together andjumpedto the conclusion that the Observer, instead of being a free and independent journal, is (as the Lance asserted) nothing more than a bastard abortion of the "Star," bossed by the ■worthy 'Enery, and without a soul to call its own. More than this, no paragraph is, lam in-foi-med, permitted to go into the Observer without the consent of the editor of the evening luminary, who, wonderful to relate, excises ana inserts just whatever he pleases. My name, moreover, has been put forward simply as a blind, Mr. Brett being the bona fide proprietor, and finding all the plant. Now I beg to state, most emphatically, that this pretty little tale is frpm first to last a big lie. Mr. Brett is not the proprietor of the Observer, nor is he a partner in the concern. I have paid him for every stick and stone that has come out of the .Stair qfSce^andcan show the receipted invoices to anyone who doubts the assertion. I will admit there was orice some talk of a mutual venture, but for reasons into which it is unnecessary to -venter the idea fell through. The sharp folks who think they know everything are perhaps riot aware that as much of my plant has been bought from the " Herald " as from the " Star." , : The fact is, everything had to. be got in a --„ .hurry, and as you may imagine, we were glad $, to take advantage of any printing material the ■■;•■■ would sell.

The candidates for the City Council were descnbed as Soda Water, Cold Water, and two 'Slack Draughts. :

Whatever may be the feelings of the populace as to the departure of Sir Hercules Robinson himself, very few tears will assuredly shed over the exit of his hopeful son and heir. During this estimable youth's sojourn at Nelson College, that hitherto reputable seminary became a perfect little Hades. Four or five lads, it will be remembered, were expelled for pilfering in such an "unboy-like" and altogether unnatural manner that one does not care to refer to it even now. His late Excellency's son was (unless rumour lies) the ringleader of the gang, but somehow or other the matter got hushed tip, and though a great many suffered, the chief sinner did not! ♦

Having heard much about the bad times, I thought a moving picture of the unemployed would be '• a good line " — something to touch the hearts and pockets of the charitable. Our artist was therefore despatched to draw one, and told to be sure and find the real genuine unemployed, for whom Mr. Garrard is agitating. He assures me most positively these are they :

The finely developed nasal organ of Mr John Roly-Polybank King lias, I regret to say, been well, not exactly put out of joint, but hitched up the wrong way. That self-sacrificing patriot as you are aware, offered his services, including his great mind and his inijiressive manner to the burgesses of the East Ward. Strange to say, those misguided creatures, instead of placing John Koly-Polybank rapturously at the top of the poll, gave him the " cold shoulder," and by way of adding insult to injury, placed a rival vendor of " lotions, potions, powders and pills " in the much coveted position. John KolyPolybank now &ays, " They might as well have elected us both. Where is the difference. I am a King and he is Aickin(g. )

" Jibing apart it ia rather a pity' Mr King took so little trouble over the election. lam not, heaven knows, a very ardent admirer of his, but I don't see what he has done to deserve such a snubbing from the Morning Twaddler. There are many worse men in the Council.

! On the whole the elections resulted most satisfactorily. In returning Mr Aickin by such a large majority the bvirgesses paid that gentleman a well deserved compliment, which should he followed up by presenting him with the Mayoralty. Mr Peacock is a good man, and has done his duty fairly well, but the feeling of the town is rightly against a third term. Now, people respect Graves Aickin sincerely ; at least I know I do. During his term in the Council he never either connived at a "job," nor did he attempt one himself. This is saying a good deal. Moreover Mr Aickin has j proved eminently successful in his own line of business, and it is a theory of mine that men who; have made small businesses into big ones are a good sort of folk for the public to trust and employ. I don't believe in a fellow who entirely neglects his own business to attend to a municipality's! Either he spites Ms own flesh and blood for an empty honour, and is consequently a fool, or else, as seems to be more often the case, he has some job in hand which will well repay the sacrifice.

Some strange stories have got about in connection with the recent elections. Here is one. A certain gentleman's enemies assert that he did want to come forward at all, but was over persuaded by the Bank of New Zealand, who are anxious to have friends in the Council when the question of the Corporation Bank account comes on the tapis. I need scarcely say this brilliant fabrication is utterly false. The reluctance of the party referred to was attributable solely to business considerations, which were removed, when it was understood the Council would revert to night meetings.

Mr. Hemus had a number of enthusiastic canvassers working for him on the election day. One of them thought he would secure Mr. Porter, and bearded that gentleman in his den. "May I have your vote for Mr. Hemus," he demanded blandly. "Well, I really don't know," was the response. "On what ticket is Mr. Hemus standing?" "Oh," said the canvasser, in an off-hand manner, "Hemus is going in for getting a lot done to the upper part of the town. " He thinks there has been too much money spent on Lower Queen-street and Custom-house-street. "Does he?" interrupted Mr. Porter. "Then he won't suit me," and away he went, leaving the discomforted canvasser to muse on the folly of mistaking his neighbourhood. The poor man had evidently got off his beat.

Mr. Grey's defeat in the Municipal election was due to a printer's error in nis posters. They were, "Vote for Grey and Cheap Water," instead of "Vote for Grey and Brandy and Water." The error alienated the Licensed Victualler's vote, which would otherwise have been given for him.

The fracas between the parson and. the choir at St. Paul's lias wound up with a complete victory for the former. Not only have the recalcitrant members apolofisecl to Mrs. Nelson, and een received back again into the musical fold, but it is said (with what amount of truth I know not) that even the great Professor himself forwarded a pacific epistle to the parsonage. How it was received does not seem to have leaked out. Some say Mr. Nelson remembered that he was a clergyman and behaved like a Christian gentleman, whilst others again are of opinion that the overture was rejected with contumely not to mention certain brandishings of a _ poker. Let us hope, however, that the last has not been heard of this matter. Mr. Swallow is a first rate organist, and if Mr. Nelson has an ounce of common sense he will try to conciliate instead of irritating him. We all know the Professor is a trifle eccentric at times, but where there is genius there is generally some little drawback of this description. Good music in a church like St. Paul's covers a multitude of sins.

The footballers dinner seems to have been a very festive affair. Ch amp agn e flowed like water, and all present enjoyed themselves thoroughly. Towards the end of the evening one "dear old ' chappie," tired of consuming his liquor in the usual way, entertained the company by throwing champagne up in the air and catching it in his mouth. I shouldn't advise anyone to try this experiment, as, unless you are very smart, it is apt to make rather a mess.

The result of the Inter-Provincial Football Match has occasioned very little surprise, and it is to be hoped that our local " Kickists " will profit by the lesson which it teaches. The. first opportunity which the Wellington men gave for critics to note their capabilities served to show how well they worked together, and what an admirable state of discipline they werej in. The local representatives were not only deficient in training, and inferior to their adversaries in the tactics of the game, but they also laboured under a manifest difficulty in being unfamiliar with each other's play. It is really a wonder that they acquitted, themselves so well. The smart " passing "of the "Welling: ton players, the effective manner in which the Berry Brothers supported each other, and the "fastness " of the play, were the features of the match, and they formed the subject of general comment. During the first two bouts,, the Auckland men appeared a little indolent and somewhat lacking in judgment, but, after Warbrick had scored, they " pulled themselves together," to use an expressive colloquialism, and thence forward contested every foot of ground with indomitable courage and steady perseverance. No luitherI uither scoring was made, but once, towards the end, Auckland had an exceedingly narrow chance of a try. If such energy and determination had been shown at an early stage it is questionable whether Warbrick would have got the favourable opportunity he had for his __, flying drop at goal. As it is, some people find a solace for the defeat in the reflection that he is Auckland bred and born. It must certainly be conceded that the victory is a dearly earned one. Last year the Wellington , team fought and triumphed over the Otago and Canterbury teams, but nowhere have they had to fight so hard for their laurels as here ; and nowhere else has the victory depended so materially upon such a fortuitous circumstance as that which gave Warbrick the chance he so readily availed himself of. The defeat is an honourable one, and it is the first Auckland has sustained upon her own ground. I hope that better preparations will be made for tne next combat wherever it may take place.

(Ztrrrnnwriilu

Since his retnrn to town that good old gentleman, Dr. Wallis, has found things somewhat sultry. * Even liberally.minded men consider the sale of Newton Kirk to the Catholics a very questionable proceeding, and the strong AntiKomanists are perfectly rabid.

About a week or ten days ago Dr. Wallis was walking down Queen-street, when he met. Mr. Goldie. "How dye do," says the ' j?dgfa>r blandly, holding out his hand, and 4opkmg questioningly at Mr. Goldie. . That gentlentan^ however, pretended not to see the ecclesiastical paw. "No, Dr. Wallis/' he said, "I don't think I ought to shake hands with a minister who is going to sell his church to the Papists." What the doctor replied does not appear to have been placed on record.

It is now stated that Mrs. Wallis, alarmed at the prospect of a scandal, has put her back up and will not allow her venerated spouse to complete the sale.

Despite the laudatory notices in the daily papers about the Mayor's " tea fight " at the Free Public Library much dissatisfaction has been felt on the subject. Many people are of ©pinion that his Worship had no right to give a party there at all. They say there should have been a public soiree, with tickets duly paid for, and the outcome given to the institution. Others again find fault with the company, which it is asserted was badly selected. Respected citizens well-known in town were not asked at all, whilst strangers, new chums, and the " Lord-knows- who " assembled in force. Altogether the affair does'nt seem to have been well managed.

Doctor Double-Shuffle Wallis's speech at the opening of the Free Public Library showed the absolute necessity for such an institution. It literally teemed with proofs of his ignorance, sundiy miserable attempts at wit being thrown in, in the vain hope of relieving the monotony of his sermon. He was at least a thousand years Avrong in the date he gave for the founding of the livst library. Moreover, he said that the one at Alexandria contained 750,000 books, and that it was burning for six months. Seven hundred and fifty thousand books ! Yes ! such as they were, but they were merely parchment rolls, of which a gross would not contain as much matter as an ordinary book does nowadays. Any schoolboy could have told him that the story about the library burning for six months is all buncombe — one of the myths of history.

The true version of the gambling case at the Custom House Hotel has not leaked out yet. It appears the three men, Stafford, Peebles and Kelly Avent in there at first merely to have a drink. They got, however, to throwing for shillings, and Peebles asked Kelly to lend him some money. " No," said Kelly, " I won't do that ; I lent you some »t Napier and you never gave it me back." "Very well then, " replied the other, "Advance me ten shillings on my ring." Kelly agreed to do that, and they went on playing. After it was all over and the three were outside again, Peebles called upon Kelly to give up his ring. That worthy, hoAvever, saAV no force in doing so till he got his 10s. There was some talk, and angry words ensued. Finally Peebles marched off to the police and told them the AA'hole story, which led to an information being laid against Eobson, the landlord of the hotel.

. A correspondent, avlio appears to wish to say something ill-natured, writes, " The news that the Prince of Wales is not, after all, going to visit the colonies must have been a terrible disappointment to Mr. A n, who, having frequently knocked about with H.R.H. in London, naturally looked forward to meeting the dear old chappie here. " I don't know who this Mr. A n may be, but if he boasts about knowing Albert-Edward he makes a freat mistake. Not even the veriest fools will elieve such " tarradidles. "

A gentleman (?) residing not a hundred miles from tide city was married some time ago and took his bride to one of our marine suburbs for the honeymoon. They spent the regulation month very pleasantly, staying in private apartments, and living, so to speak, on the fat or the land. Before leaving the gentleman asked for his bill and tendered a cheque in payment. By-and-bye the cheque was presented, but to the horror and surprise of the drawee came back with the fatal letters N.S.F. in the corner.

The Duke of Bedford, who has just been made a Kni,' lit of the Garter, is the head of the Russells am. ■ aiormously wealthy. His possessions, irrespective of the vast property he owns in London, cover 86,424 acres, and are scattered over eight countries. " The Duke of Bedford," says Edmund Burke, speaking of one of his Grace's ancestors, "is the leviathan of all the creatures of the Crown. The grants to the house of Bedford were so enormous as not only to outrage economy, but to stagger credibility. " The present Duke has never done anything at all worthy of his name, and why the Garter has been bestowed upon him it would be difficult to say. His Grace is a strong Whig, but has no sympathy with the Radicals.

The gentleman who proposed the " Press" at the footballers dinner was disposed to be very complimentary, and said that Auckland could at any rate claim to have A 1 newspapers. Hereupon there arose from one of the company a vigorous cry of "question," with indistinct references to "a blackguard article in the " Herald. " The interrupter was, however, pacified with plenteous libations of Roederer.

A few nights ago a lot of jolly dogs went into the little oyster shop near the "Herald's" Queen-street office and had some supper. What they washed down the bivalves with I know not, but certain it is that one of the party said he didn't care to take the trouble to go down stairs, and getting out of the window, went .crash through the verandah into the street. This would have killed some folks outright, but the youth in question appeared to be rather freshened up than damaged by the occurrence.

There was once a pigeon who went forth to be plucked, After straying hither and thither he tarried a while at a certain hostelry, where were sundry Good Samaritans seeking whom they might devour. When the pigeon entered the Samaritans rejoiced, saying : " Our father the devil hath delivered him into our hands ; lo ! let us pluck him. " Then they proposed the game yclept Yankee grab, and played right merrily. But it came to pass after a time that

that pigeon doubted greatly, and said unto the chief Samaritan .- ' ' Thou swindler. " When the good men heard this thing they were exceeding wrath, yea even irate, and they threw the pigeon forth from the bar parlour and cast him into outer darkness. Now. it so happened that as the pigeon, with posterior raw and sore, journeyed np Queen-street he met a wise man of the police, whose name is Jeffrey. And the wise man said, " What aileth thee ?" On hearing these words the pigeon wept bitterly and told him all, saying, " The Philistines have despoiled me. I prithee run them in. " Then the wise man of the police called unto him another constable, and they went forth together to the hostelry. And behold they found things as the pigeon "had said. Then did the police despoil the good Samaritans and t ike from the chief player thirteen of the dice which are called cogged.

P>ut it came to pass that, between this night and the day following, the pigeon repented of his rashness, and when the wise man came again unto him he denied all he had previously stated. Then did the wise man revile him, saying: "Get the behind me perjurer, them hast deceived me. "

A good denl of sympathy is felfc amongst sporting men for Mr. Smith, of the Occidental. Whatever may have taken place there, he, at anyrate, "was innocent of it, and is in fact the principal victim. The "Morning Twaddler" in prejudging his case hefore it came on at the Police Court was guilty of a gross breach of journalistic etiquette, which must not he allowed to pa-s without mention. "Trial by newspaper ' is getting far too common nowadays.

The publicans say there is one law for the rich and another for the poor. The boniface who allows customers to "shake " for drinks is liable to a heavy line, whilst the very justices who inflict it can, without fear, gamble for high stakes at their Club. More about this anon.

Young Spooney lavished all the wealth of his " calf-love " on Miss Prettygirl, and in consequence, promenaded Queen-street with her and infested her parental home to an alarming extent. Miss Prettygirl 's female parent did not approve of Spooney 's prospects in life and looked for higher game for her daughter. She accordingly determined to get rid of him, and to do it effectually. One evening Spooney was paying his devoirs to his inamorata, when, about 9 o'clock, the door of the drawing-room in which they were was opened and the fair one's mamma entered carrying in her hand a good thick slice of bread and jam. She "went for" Spooney, handed it to him, patted him on the head, and said, "Now, my little boy, take this piece of bread and jam, and run away home or your mamma will get anxious about you being out so late and send the nursemaid for you." Spooney went.

A lady correspondent, whom I have to thank for several capital local items which she will find in various parts of the paper, says " The Rivals " is to be played again shortly, the witty Mrs. F taking the part of Lydia Languish. ' ' I think, " adds this feminine flaneur, ' ' she will be good. Ruth was cast for ' Lucy,' and •a piquant little maid she would have been. Unfortunately papa objected. "

"The fair Mi*s B is to make her first appearance as Lucy, and — well young men not impervious to Cupid's darts had better keep away."

Amateur actors are alike all the world over. In choosing a piece they invariably select some famous play which is associated with the impersonations of the greatest actors and actresses, and in which they cannot fail to sh<>w to disadvantage. A friend of mine once wrote to H. J. Byron to ask him for the M.S.S. of " Our Boys " for private theatricals. That gentleman replied, ' ' You would be mad to attempt 'Our Boys,' which everyone has seen, and in which you would challenge comparison with David James and Kate Bishop, but I will lend you 'Old Soldiers,' a comedy of mine, which is vsry little known and well adapted to amateurs. If you don't like that try 'The Cleft Stick,' published by Lacy. It is a version of Sothern's ' Threepenny Bit ' and very amusing."

Next to "Old. Soldiers," the "Ladies' Battle " is the best piece I know of for amateurs. It has five characters, all of Avhich are good, is in three acts, but requires one scene only, and enables the performers to wear very becoming costumes. Moreover, Tom h obertson, the clever author of '-Caste" and School" adapted it. I saw the "Ladies' Battle" played at the Court in London by Mr. and Mrs. Kendal, Mr. Hare, Mr. Herbert, and Miss Amy Roselle. It was a rare treat.

W. S. Gilbert, the author of the immortal Pinafore, is a moderately good amateur actor, and goes in hot and strong for private theatricals. Two of his greatest successes " Sweethearts " and " Pygmalion " were, a few years ago, performed under his personal supervision, at the house of a Liverpool merchant, where " acting " is all the go about Christmas. I myself acted in the first-named p : ece ; and never shall I forget the rehearsals. Morning, noon and night Mr Gilbert kept us at it, and every little bit had to be repeated about a dozen times. There is a part in "Sweethearts " where Harry Spreadbrow has to walk across the stage and throw on a table the rose which his Jenny has given him. Over this and over the planting of the tree, in the first act, we spent one whole evening. I never was so tired of anything in my life.

Sliylock's Religion— There is no God but money, and cent, per cent, is his profit.

Should a good property fall in his way the Duke of Manchester will be not indisposed to, }>ick it up. When in Canada a few years ago te qualified himself as a permanent colonist, and his investment is said to be yielding him a very satisfactory return. For some time he has been working out a project on the Wakefield lines to form special colonies in New Zealand. The colonists .are to be carefully selected in England, as many of them as possible from the same district. They are to be young, and to possess a moderate amount of capital. The promoters of the colony purchase the Land for them, advise them as to their preparations for the voyage and what they should take with them.

Directly the Observer wa* announced the " Weekly Snooze " (so-called because no one lias ever been known to read a couple of columns without falling asleep) began to make frantic efforts to "undercut" us. First of all our prospectus was taken, and, though so slightly altered as to be at once recognisable, transferred bolus bolus to the advertisement columns of the ' ' Morning Twaddler. " Then came a flourish of trumpets about "original engravings by local artists" and two or three excessively stale Kelly sketches, which had already done duty in the Australian papers, were posted up on a board outside the "Twaddler" office. Finally, having heard we were going to give a portrait of Sir Arthur Gordon, the " Snooze's" newlyimported engraver Avas set to work to scratch out a libellous representation of His Excellency's lineaments, and a grandiloquent, paragraph appeared announcing the shameful massacre. I rather think the proprietors of the "Snooze" will regret their precipitance when they see our portrait. Comparisons, as Mrs. Gamp says, are odmous, and this one certainly doesn't redound to the credit of the "Snooze."

One fine morning at the beginning of the present week a " highly respected citizen," whom I -will not more particularly indicate, might have been seen staggering aiong street helplessly, hopelessly, motherlessly drunk. In due course, though not "without si great deal of tacking backwards and forwards across the path, he brought up in the immediate neighbourhood of a constable on duty, who was very much discomforted by the apparition. Had Mr. been a poor man it would unquestionably have been a case of "five shillings and costs," but under the circumstances there was nothing for it but to move discreetly away. Strange to say this conduct did not appear to please the bacchanalian. He tinned round, and, to the intense amusement of the bystanders, followed \ip the retreating officer with some powerful language which (again I say it) would have made a large hole in a ten pound note had he been a navvy or a farm labourer. Constable . however, appeared stone deaf, and a friend of the culprits appearing on the scene at this crisis walked him off to safer quarters. Everything considered, it is lucky the affair ended as it did. Had the ('onstable not been a respecter of persons there would have been a positively appalling scandal.

It strikes me very forcibly that Mr. John Smith would have done better to keep his complaints about the Grammar School boys to himself. There can only be one opinion about a person avlio wilfully destroys the'guinea football of a lot of lads because it happens to fall inside his grounds. No amount of accidental trampling over flower beds would justify such a spiteful piece of vindictiveness. If the boys had broken Mr. Smith's windows, as they threatened, it would have been natural, and the public would most certainly have sympathised with them. Let us hope, however, that now Mr. Smith ha* cooled down he will see his way to replacing the plaything.

A new kind of propeller, invented by Mr. George Rayner of Coromandel, was tried last Friday on the Waitemata. The idea is to do away* with the screw, for which is substituted two pistons, one on each side of the rudder. Each piston works in a cylinder and forces the water back, which works in thus acquiring great propelling power. The cylinder being in the run of the vesscll avoids all danger from fouling with ropes and other causes to which the screw is liable. The trial was considered highly satisfactory, and may lead to a revolution in the propelling apparatus of steam vessells.

The horsewhipping fracas which occurred in Queen-street on Wednesday afternoon between Capt. Kerr, of Cape diamond-field notoriety, and Dr. Smith, the quondam assayer of gold, forms a very acceptable topic for gossiping circles. The captain succeeded in inflicting a most effective castigation, and the weals on the medico's back must demand the nicest treatment. The cause of the affray is sad to be domestic infelicity. Mrs. Kerr left suddenly for New Plymouth a short time ago.

The proletarian agitator whom we have amongst us objects to being addressed simply as Garrard. One of the daily papers has had the effrontery to omit the handle to his name, and .forthwith he was wroth. The reporters neglected to state that this formed the burden of his last deliverance, and I therefore do the amiable for him. He is desirous of securing the greatest notoriety for his "noble pause,' but particularly for his noble self, as he intends to seek parliamentary honors on the first opportunity. This avowal he confided to a bosom friend.

What a strong odour of the midnight lamp the address delivered "by the Mayor at the the recent conversazione bore ! Many passages struck me as rather familiar, and when books were spoken of as the greatest levellers, I recognised an undoubted plagiarism from Charming His Worship narrowly escaped a breakdown near the end of the address, but he suddenly struck the peroration and sailed triumphantly on to the bitter end. Ananias.