THE SAVING GRACE.

Thames Star, Volume LXI, Issue 16277, 22 January 1927, Page 9

THE SAVING GRACE.

ODDMENTS OF HUMOUR. PETS NOT ALLOWED. A.B. : Found a weevil in my biscuit this mo-ruin’, sir. (lot it 'ere in this, matchbox.

Captain : Take this man away, Bowling. and read him the regulations about keeping pets on board. ♦ * * * UNCERTAIN AIM. Dissatisfied Customer: I see you liavo a sign m vour store. “We Aim to Please. 5 Shop Assistant: •Certainly, that is our motto. Customer: Well, you ought to take a. little time oil for target practice!

“Have you spent' more money on this new hat?” “I haven’t spent any money on it.” “Have you had it given to you?” “No. I have had it charged to your account.” . .

THE WOMAN’S. REASON. “What is the reason.” asked a man of a girl, “that men never kiss each other, while women waste a world of kisses on other feminine faces?” “Because,” she replied, “men have something better to kiss, and women haven’t.” *

“This is a portrait of one of my ancestors.” “Painted alter a fancy-dress hall, f suppose?”

RIGHT IN IT. “ I wish.” roared the temperance speaker, “I wish .all the alcohol in the world could be poured into the sea !” “Hear, hear!” called a voice from the hack of the hall.

“Ah!” said the speaker. “I’m glad there is one sane man here. I will ask him, as a total abstainer, to say a few words.” “Total abstainer be blowed!” shouted the voice in reply. “I’m a diver.”

THE SCOTCHMAN SCORED. A Scotsman anti an Englishman were out together uiio afternoon, and, feeling limitary, went into a shop and ordered tea. ■' M hen this was served the English man caused some amusement among the other people in the shon by saving, loud enough for them to hear, ‘‘Now you ho mother and pour out.” Lhe Scotsman did so, but turned the tables on his friend at the end of the meal by standing up and saving, “Now you bo father and pay.” • * * « SC IE NT IFI C EXPL AN A TTO N. Two commercial travellers on a train became involved in an argument regarding the action of the vacuum brake. “It’s the inflation of the tube that stops the train,” said one. “Wrong, wrong!” shouted the other “It’s the output of thp exhaustion.” So they wrangled for an hour. Then when the tTain pulled up at a station, they agreed to submit tho matter for settlement to the driver. That man, leaning from tho window of hi s cab, listened to the travellers’ arguments. Then ho smiled, shook his head and said ?

“Well, you’re both wrong. When we want to stop the tram w c just turn this hero tap and then we fill the pipe with vacuum.”

“I only take my drinks with straws.” “So that you can eat and drink at the same time.”

EASE AND COMFORT

The Minister: It gives me great joy, Mrs. Brown, to see you always in your pew on tlie Sabbath Day. Mrs. Brown: ’Deed, sir, I’m real glad to come, for it’s no’ often I get sic a comfortable seat and sae little to think a boot.

TO SAFETY. A young Irishman was gazing up at a captive balloon. “How would you like to he up in that, mate?” asked a chum. “Oh, I shouldn’t moind it at all,” replied Pat. “But what would you do if it hurst?” inquired the other. “Sure,” replied the Irishman. “I’d just slide down the rope.” • * • « POOR BABY. An advertisement for a new baby’s feeding bottle runs as follows:—“When the baby has done drinking, it must be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under the tap. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk it should })& boiled.”

“Excuse me, lady, but is this newspaper free.” “Oh, not at all—it is very prudish!”

FRIENDS EVERYWHERE. Two negroes met in a New Orleans town. One was a big fellowj who had travelled as far as Canada ; the other was a little chap known as Sam. “Nice place up in Canada?” inquired the latetr. “Finest place in t-lie world.” “Any room for me up in Canada?” “Yes. They like us folks fine up there.” “How do I get there?” “Why( you just gets into a boat right here on the Missisippi River, and you rows and rows, and then you’re in Canada.” Sam took him at his word. Early the next morning he got into .a, boat and rowed and rowed. But the Mississippi current is swift, and Sam was puny. He rowed from 6 a.lll. to 6 p.m., attending strictly to business and concentrating his gaze on the bottom of the boat. By the end of that time he had lost about six feet. His big friend happened to stroll down to the river bank, saw him still rowing frantically, and called out: “That you, Cam?” The latter looked up, startled. “Great snakes!” he ejaculated, “who knows me away up here in Canada?”

She: I saw 7 your brother kiss my sister! ~ , . . He: I would must rather that Ins brother had kissed her sistei i

, ' UNPERTURBED. 1 The suneriutenclent had received numerous complaints that goods train! were in the habit of stopping on a leve crossing in a certain small town, there by blocking the load. So he went t< tho crossing. There stood, in defiance of his orders, a long goods train an cliored squarely across it. A guard who didn’t know him by sight, sat complacbntly in his van. “Move that train on!” spluttered th< litle “super.” “Get it off the crosisnf .so people can pass. Move on, I sayl’ j The guard surveyed the tempestuoui littlo man from head to foot. “You g< 1 to thunder, my little man,” he drawled i “You’re small enough to crawl under.’

“Does your mother permit that littl girl to pluck her flowers?” “But that is niv mother!”

IN A FEW WORDS,

Many : The man I marry must be a a hero. Ethel: Oh, come dear, you’re not as bad looking as all that. *«j * * “% niece,” said Mrs. Blunderby, “has had a college education. She speaks several languages quite flippantly.” \

Editor (eyeing him) : Have you read y°ur poem to anybody else? Poet: no. Editor: Then where did vou get that black eye ? ; * * * * Prisoner: I thought every man had to be tried by his equals. - Judge: I am your equal. Prisoner: Then why ain’t you being tried? * • • * “My daughter has a great ear for music.” “Well, that wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t think she had a voice for it, too.”

MacDougall (outside the publichouse) : Wud ye care for a drink, Angus ? Angus : Ay, thank ye, Mac. MacDougall: Gang awa’ in,, then, and have it.

“Your daughter tells me that your wife is having her voice cultured.” “Yes! And did she tell you the,rest of us were growing wild?” * * * *

Youth: I’m looking for a job. Grocer; Well, I like vour looks, but I can’t afford more help. Youth: But I won’t be much help, sir. O 9 $ 9

“This restaurant is very cheap.” “How ) ’s that?” “Why, I _got coffee, cakes, and an overcoat for ninepence.”,

COLLAPSIBLE BOAT RISKS. “May heaven look after my wife and children! I am going to sneeze!” *** • *

ETIQUETTE. The country labourer and his eldest son were spending a few 7 days in London. One evening the son became in* volved in an argument during dinner, with a man at tile table opposite. Unfortunately, both parties lost their tempers, and the son, in a moment of frenzy, picked up a table-knife, but his father managed to hold him back. “Ain’t you got no table manners?” asked the old man. “But, father,” protested the other, “you heard what In called me?” “Yes,” was the reply, “but that’s no excuse for forgittin’ yea: table manners. Put down that knif< an’ go after him with yer fork!” :

“Here is a shilling for you, and r may interest you to knoV that Airs Jansson across the way wants some wood chopped.” “Thank you for the warning madam!”