Wit and Humor.

Thames Star, Volume XX, Issue 6131, 29 November 1888, Page 1

Wit and Humor.

Seething His Last Moments.

Norses in hospital! ans rather apt to lay tso much stress on the advantages received by the patients and their duty of thankfulness, but still it is tbe poor soldier who suffers most from always bavin? his causes to be grateful flung in bis teeth. Witncßs the following true story told of a nurse in a London' bos* pita! :— — ■•- ----- Chaplain : ' £o poor Hopkins is dead. I should have liked to speak to him o»ce again, and sooshe hit last moments. Why didn't yon esll oie ?' • - Hospital Orderly : ' I didn't think you ought to bo disturbed for 'Opkins, sir, so I just s-ooihod him as best I could myself.' Cb»p!ain : ' Why, what did jon gay to himP' Orderly : ' * 'Opkins,' scz I, ' you're mortal bad.' 'Ism/ s»z 'c. ''Opkins,' sez I, 'I don't think you'll utt better.' 'No,' scz 'c. l'OpU'ws,' scz I, ' you're going fast' ' Yes,' stz 'c. ' 'Opkins,' sez I, 'I don't think you ran 'ope to go to 'Raven.' ' I don't think I can,' ttz 'c. 'Well, then* 'Opkins,'scz I,' yon'Jl bo to 'ell.' ' I suppose no,' srz 'c. ''Ofkins/ spz T. ' y v ought to be werry gralrfal as there's a place-perwided for you, and that you've got somewhere'to go * Ard I. think 'c 'card, sir, and then 'c died.'' Magistrate (to witness): 'You do solimnly swear, Uncle 'Kastos. that the evidence you are about to give shall be the trnth, the whole troth, and nothing but the truth P' Witness: 'Ye e», yo' honor; but cudent yo' jws' m» on a smaller Bible P De size ob dat book, sab, makes de ole man (larvoua, !de<d it do.' .. Counsel for the L'rjseeution—'Do you know the prisoner at she bar?' Witness—' Yes, wa*s luck.' C. for the P.— • Wruld j< v Ipel dispoVfd to believe him upon bis oatb P' Witness—' Well, that deppnds,, yer see. . If .so be as be were that bbt z d that he didn't 1 know what he was a sayid' on, p'r'raps I might, but not else.' The Chinese are very praeticalin their religious ideap. If a god whose business it is to bring rain overdoes it, and causes a delude, they take him out of the Josshouse, and set him down'in the shower. If this fails to make him dry up, they go . to tbe extremity of towing bim behind a boat in the river to convince him. that too much of a good Illicit; is as bad as too little.

A curious postal card was received by a firm in Cincinnati some time ago. It was from a customer in Tennessee, and read as follows : " Please send me side of bacon a bbl of Hint lOlbs of coffee and a wheelbarrow my wife had' a baby last week and a monkey wrench crops is middl'nV