MRS BROWN ON MODERN HOUSES.

Thames Star, Volume VI, Issue 1856, 14 December 1874, Page 2

MRS BROWN ON MODERN HOUSES.

(BY ARTHUB SKETCHLEY.)

Houses, indeed ! I call 'em reg'lar ram shackle nutshells, run-up-rubbish, where you can't drive a nail with safety, nor hang up a picter with comfort. Certainly they were elegant outside, with their white fronts and 'andsome windows to look at; but I never saw such glass to look through, as made things seem that drawed out as you didn't know the postman from the pot-boy. As to anythin' afittin', there was a window-frame as didn't shake like earthquakes with me only awalkin' across the room, and as to the Butler, as lives next door but three, they give a evenin' party as brought the floor in.

They invited me and Brown, as didn't wish for to go, bein' one 9 s don't hold with no goin's out through a-takin' of his pipe quiet in the front kitchen, as is a pretty room, bein' ment for a sittin'-room, not as ever I fancied it, havin' a mouldy smell, and bein' frequently overflowed in the spring tides. Why ever they calls them spring I can't think, for we was very near floated out twice the week afore last, and November no one can't call spring. I'm sure the shock as that Mrs Giddins give me I shall never forget, as is a wrong headed woman as ever I had in any house, though I will say clean and honest. Not as I holds with her officious ways as led to Her washin' away every bit of my mock turtle, as I'd , been two days a makin''. For Brown says to me as he'd got a calf's head cheap, as is a thing as a little goes a long way in my opinion, though with a bit of bacon he relished it for his supper. So 1 makes the rest into mock turtle, and the forcemeat I was proud 011, and puts it out to cool in a I picklin'-pan in the back room. It was , the day after that gal left us I'd give warnin' to, through her a-saying' as she'd rather starve than eat. cold mutton, as was good enougb, for me. So I had Mrs Giddins in for half-a-day to tidy up th» place ready for the young woman as was a-coming' that evenin'. When I come down after a-puttin' on my cap for tea, I see that picklin'-pan washed up clean. So I says, "Where ever have you put my soup ?" . " What soup ? " says she. "That as was in the pan," says I. •• That muck ! " says she, " Why I've throwd it down the sink,"—through her ignorance, not a-knpwn' what it really were. I was that really wild as I could have throwd her down after it, but as she did'nt go to do it I said no more.

I said to her a little Jater on, " Mrs Gjddim, I want you to go up to the liimber-room," as is over my bed room, a sort of a cupboard in the slant of the roof, as I'd put away some boxes in," and pull me out a black portmanty, as I want to get somethin' out on." Up she goei allofa bustle. I says, "Tread light," a knowing as there was'nt no floor but lath, and plaster to that cupboard. "AH right," says she. So I, hearing her a-rummargin' and a-pullin the things about, calls out, " Can't you find it ? " She says, "If you'd come and hold the candle I could get it out," as it was jammed and crammed tight in the corner. Up I goes and takes the candle, and there she was a-standin' in that cupboard, as is nothin' but beams. I was standin' on a beam, and Mrs Giddins in front of me, a haulm' at that portmanty like mad. Well, she giyei it a pull with all her force as made it come all of a sudden like. The jerk as sh> give it throwed her back agin me, as tipped me off the beam on to the lath and plaster and through I goes with that crash that made me think the house was all about our ears. I struggles, nat'ral, as anyone would, and, ketchin, hold of Mrs Giddins, pulls her through too. Well, there we was through the ceihn 1, with our legs a-danglin' in my bed room, and that caught as we couldn't get out Mrs Giddins a-screamiiv like wild, as she . was murdered, with the candle knockedout, and weshould have been there till now,only as luck would hare it, Brtfwn capm«n earlier than I expected. But lau,'bless you, he could do nothin' for «ver so long for laughin', and when he did draw us up, if he didn't say Mrs Giddins were a old fool and me another for not knovrin' better, than to tread on lath and plaster, as is a downright disgrace for floorin*. If you'd seen my bed-room it was a perfect wilderness for bits of mortar, and why it didn't all come down together J. can't make out. I never shall forget the way as them walls wouldn't hold a picter of a aunt of Brown's, as left us the bit of property as we're a»Hvin' on. A beautiful picter is was, ,as her good gentleman paid threo i guineas for to have painted by a painter,

as had painted Queen Caroline in a lownecked dress, with a pink hat and the cheeks to match, as had a bird on her 'finger. The trouble as I've took with that frtme a-keepin' off the flies in summer with yallar calamancer nobody wouldn't believe, and so I did ought to, for it co«t thirty shillings second-hand, lovely gold shell work at the four corners. Well, we we hung it up in the front parlor, over the mantleshelf, where I'd got some beautiful wax fruit underneath a glass cover, with a peach stone that nat'ral as you'd a-took and cracked it, and it looked downright noble. We hung it up, a? I was sayinV just afore supper, Mts. oiddms and me, with a naU that long as I thought it would go through the next door, for it went in that sudden with only two blows of a .flat'iron. Just as I was a-helpin' Brown to a bit of pickled pork and greens there came a crash as if heaven and earth had come together. I looks at Brown, and he looks at me, " Whatever can it be ? " says he. M That picter," says I. Up Irushes and of all the sights it was that picter, for if it hadn't pulverised my _wax fruit and. split the marble-piece, an(£j*ust of all, it had ketched agin the cortifof the fender as Mrs Giddins had been that foolish to leave a-standin'on the rug through a movin'of it to stand the steps nearer when we was a-hangin'of the picter up, and if the corner of the fender had't gpne right through her cheek and team away a bit of her nose. The walls was that rotten all over the house. As to the kitchen-dresser it was a startin' right away from them, and the plates and dishes in constant jeopardy. And the draught round them skirtin' boards was enough to blow your leg off; there wasn't a door as would shut, and as to the cockroaches and beadles as made that free that the kitchen floor was black with them; not for as to^< mention things as was in the bedrooms as defied soft soap and turps did'nt take no effect on; and all the satisfaction as I got was to be told as they was in the woods as come from America, as I can easy believe, for in my opinion them Americans is capable of anythin' like all those niggers as I remember well was Emancipated along with the Catholics many years ago; not as ever. I could a-bear them blacks, nor fancy moist sugar as they mauls about with their hands and feet; a butcherin' of women and children as is their savage natures; but if they'd have kept their beastly woods to theirselves I shouldn't have cared, as caused me many a sleepless night, and my fourposter took down three times in five weeks, for rest I can't with the thought of them in my head, and shouldn't have minded so much if the landlord hadn't give me his impudence, a sayin' as his house was built for ladies and gentlemen, as didn't go a tearin' about like mad bulls so I says, "If you are alludin, to me in mad bulb, I thank you to remember as you are talkin' to a lady, and as to your house I only hope it will hold together till our year is out, and then catch me a stoppin' in your place, as is a mean dust hole.