HUMOUR OF THE WEEK

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLV, Issue 21304, 25 March 1939, Page 10

HUMOUR OF THE WEEK

Defined “Dad, what is a diplomat?” “A diplomat, my boy, is a person who is appointed to avert situations that would never occur if there were no diplomats.” An Opportunity A ten-year-old boy rushed into the shop. “Father’s being attacked by a mad bull,” he cried. “What can I do about it?” asked the shopkeeper. “Put a new roll of film in my camera.”

Not Likely Guest (at wedding): Are you a friend of the bridegroom? Lady: No, indeed! I’m the bride’s mother. Stuck Wife: Will you love me when my hair is. grey? Hubby: Why not, haven’t I stuck to you through brown, black, red, and blonde? “But, darling, you’re using the pen without any ink.” “Yes, mummy; this letter is very confidential.” Manners Mother: Marilyn, were you a good little girl at church to-day? Marilyn: Yes, mother. A man offered me a big plate of money, and I .said, “No, thank you.” In the Stilly Night "Congratulations, Mrs Peterson. The papers are full of praise for the way in which you boxed the ears of that burglar. I can’t think how you dared to do it.” “Oh, it came naturally—l thought it was my husband.” War’s Horrors The village schoolmistress had lectured to the girls about the horrors of war. "Now why,” she asked, “do you girls hate war?” “Well,” said the youngest and brightest, “wars make history—and I hate history.” Two farmers were talking:— “How’s the crops, Bill?” “First rate." “Pigs doin’ well?” "Fine.” “That sick colt getting along all right?” “Doing nicely.” “Glad to hear everything’s goin’ well, Bill. How’s the wife?”

Be Careful Resort Hotel Manager: Mr Gooi’us, coine out here and loo', at this marvellous sunset. Cautious Goofus: How much extra is it? Uncertain Cure “Why don’t you get something for those bad feet of yours, Pat?” “Oi’ve tried some of them cornflakes, but they-re darned uncomfortable in me socks.” Waiting For It Mother: I’m so glad, twins, you’re sitting quietly and not disturbing daddy while he has his nap. Twins: Yes, mummy, we’re watching his cigarette burn down to his fingers. Modern Methods Bobby (short of money): Say, dad, have you any work you’d like me to do? Father (taken by surprise): Whyno —but —er — Bobby: Then how about putting me on relief?

■ The Evidence “Mother, the vicar is coming.” ! “What makes you think so? Did i you see him?” - “No, but I seen dad locking the parrot in the coal shed." Bogy! Bogy! Brown was late home again, and Mrs 8., thinking to frighten him, threw a sheet over her head and called out in a hollow voice, “I am a spirit! I am a spirit!” I Brown: Thank Heaven for that! I | was afraid it was my wife.

Sinking Binks: My Uncle Bill is in very low water just now. Banks: Too bad: What’s he doing? Binks: Teaching swimming. The Test Mrs Smart: My husband dresses far too quietly for my taste. Neighbour: Hasn’t he ever lost a collar stud? A business man went Into the hairdresser’s, and, seating himself in the chair, said: “Cut the whole three short.” "What do you mean?” asked the barber. “Hair, whiskers, and chatter.” Clear Car Electrician: Gimme a two-watt bulb. Mate: For what? Car Electrician: No, two. Mate: Two what? Car Electrician: Yes. Not Deaf A little boy was saying his prayers in a loud voice, and asking for things he particularly wanted for Christmas. His brother told him not to shout, telling him that God wasn’t deaf.” “No,” said the boy, “but grandma is.” Candid The president of the school board, being of a conscientious nature, made it a point to visit all the schoolrooms frequently. In each room he would give a little talk, in an effort to interest the children in the everyday things of life. On one such occasion he was telling them of the blacksmith. “And what kind of arm has the blacksmith?” he asked.

“Big!” shouted the children. “And why is the blacksmith’s arm bigger than mine?” “He works!” came the reply.

i A Cannibal Teacher: Frank, what is a cannibal? Frank: Don’t know,'miss. Teacher: Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would you be? I Frank: An orphan, miss. The Limit I Two neighbours were having a friendly chat over the privet hedge. “Yes," said one, “there’s Mrs Knowall across the way, she's verv inquisitive.” “Not ’art',” returned the other, acidly. “She even stops to listen when two roads meet." Promising “Listen, young feller! The man who wishes to marry my daughter must have bright prospects. Whatever his trade or profession, he must have plenty of opportunity for advancement. Now, what have you to say for yourself in that respect?" “Plenty, sir. I’m just the chap you want My present position is the most I junior one in my firm."