Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLV, Issue 21280, 25 February 1939, Page 10

Humour of the Week

Victorian? Daughter (following reproof): “Oh, mother, you are so early-Victorian! This is 1938, not 1937!” Success Story We read that a well-known boxer began his career as a trainer’s assistant, Later he struck out for himself. Curiosity Rewarded “Gosh, old man! What a wonderful black eye you’ve got! How did you get it?” “Ch, I just went snooping around asking fellows with black eyes just how they got ’em.”

Complaint Justified Convict: I'm in for a long stretch, ain’t I? Warder: Yes, what'of it? Convict: Well, the bed’s too short. Height of Meanness Tramp: Could you spare me something for a cup of tea? Mean Man: Do you think I go about with milk and sugar? A Score Captain: Well, you’re a fine one kicking the ball into your own goal. Goalkeeper: Never mind, I’m the only chap in this team who’s scored a goal this season. Dangerous He and she were driving alone on one of the local byways. “Is it dangerous,” inquired the sweet young th, ng, “to drive with one hand?” “Oh, you bet," came the quick reply. “More than one fellow has run into a church doing it.” Just Ripe for it Visitor to hospital: Can I see the motorist who was brought here an hour,, ago? Nurse: He hasn’t come to hik’serasiW yet. “That doesn’t matter. I only want to sell him another car.” No Waste of Time “There’s plenty of time for Joan to think about getting married,” said her father. “Let her wait until the right man comes along.” “I don’t see why she should wait that long,” replied the mother. “I didn’t.” ■ Lucky A workman on some scaffolding had just dropped a load of bricks. “Confound you!” shouted a passerby. “One of those bricks hit me on the head!" “Lumme! You’re bloomin’ lucky. Look at all them wot didn’t!”

“Why did you take your little sister's chocolate, Willie? Why didn’t you ask her if you could have it?”

“I did, mummy, and she said I couldn’t.”

Smart Folk A man going along the highway saw a sign: "Drive slowly. This means you.” Stopping in astonishment, he exclaimed: Well, I’m hanged! How did they know I was here? Too Dangerous Wife (to victim of raging toothache) : Why don’t you go and have it out, dear? Income Tax Official: Don’t be silly! I sent both the local dentists final demand notices last night! Following the Recipe “Maryl’ cried the cookery teacher, “how on earth did you ever happen to make such a mess?” “Honest, teacher,” said Mary tearfully. It said, bring it to the boil and then beat it for 10 minutes, an’—an’ when I got back it was all burnt up!” Occupied A group of boys were holding a snowball battle. Upon his return home that evening a member of the group was describing the battle to his family. "Why didn't you get behind a tree?” inquired his mother. "Tree? Why, mother, there weren’t enough trees even for the captains and the majors.”

Where Woman Wins Man isn’t so efficient. He can’t steer a car, powder his nose, and wave to a friend all at once. A Happy Man “Did you know that Miss Holmes was married to-day?” “No, really? Who is the happy man?” “Her father.” These New Ideas “I’ve bought the most wonderful thing, dear. It’s a luminous lipstick that shines in the dark.” “Just the thing to put on baby, so that we can give him his bottle with- | out turning on the light.”

A Mutual Bargain Jones: Has Clara made Bill a good wife? Smith: I don't know. But she has made him a good husband. Appreciated Hotel Guest: I left a wallet containing £lOO in notes under my pillow. Maid: Yes, sir, I found it, and I appreciate your kind thought. (Giving Her a Chance “These trousers may be useful to you,” said the kind old lady. “All they need is a little mending.” “That’s all right, lady,” said the tramp. “I’ll call back in ’arf an hour.” Unselfish Said the pretty crooner to her wealthy admirer, “You’re such a darling, Mr Moneybags. Please don’t think I love you just because you’re worth a million. I’d love you just as much if you were worth only five hundred thousand!” Lucky “Father,” said Jimmy, running into the drawing-room, “there’s a big black L ®ab4n the dining-room.”: •'-f ‘Never mind, Jimmy,” said his father, “black cats are lucky.” “Yes,” was the reply, “this one is; he's had your dinner.” Sweet Forgetfulness Niblick (at the sixth link): “What did I do that hole in, caddie? I’ve forgotten.” Caddie: “Well, sir, I think it must be something over seven; for when the gentlemen gets over seven they always does forglt. 1 On the Jury A man who had been called for jury service asked to be excused. .“On.what-grounds?” asked the judge. “We’re very busy at the works, sir, and I ought to be there,” “So you’re one of those men who think they are indispensable; you think that the firm can’t do without you, is that it?” “No, sir, far from that. I know very well they can, but I don’t want them to find out.” “Excused,” said the judge.

Double Entry System Customer: Pardon me, but I notice you have charged me with this account twice. Dealer: Quite right, madam. Everything now is being done by double entry. Hard Times “These are hard time for actors, laddies." "They certainly are. I must say you’re looking very seedy, old chap.” “Seedy? Huh, I’m so seedy I tremble every time I pass a canary." 8.8. C. Breaks Down A woman telephoned the 8.8. C. to ask when broadcasting would be resumed. “Your transmitters have not been working for three days,” she complained. "I know, because my valves won’t light up.” Good Business There was a jumble sale in the village, and one villager offered to help. After a while he walked up to the organiser. “There, I think I’ve done very well,” he said proudly, “I sold everything in that room.” “Goodness!” exclaimed the organiser. “That was the cloak-room!”

Experienced “I tell you, money talks.” “And don’t I know! I married it.” In the Fashion | “How is your sister getting on—the one that went to Hollywood?” “Fine. She is making one brilliant marriage after another.” Five in One—and no Salary “A rich man must hire a valet, a secretary, a cook, a laundress, and a housekeeper.” “Yeah—and the poor man just gets married.” The Victim A local man had quite a time last winter with animals. He says while he was busy keeping the wolf away from the door, the stork came in at the window. Nice Rest “The whole week I look forward to the Sunday afternoon nap.” "But I always understood that you did not have forty winks?” “I don’t —but my wife does.” Small Faith “Brothers and sisters,” sighed the Negro pastor, “yo’ faith is deplo’able. Heah we are, gathered togethah, to ask for rain, and I ask you—where is yo’ umbrellas?” Alibi Wife (hubby’s former secretary): [Where were you all the evening, you brute? Hubby: Honestly, honey, I wasn’t at the office! Still Necessary “At last, my angel,” said the happy man, after he had settled with the minister, “we ara really and truly one.” “Theoretically, yes,” rejoined the practical bride; “but from a practical standpoint, it will be advisable to order dinner for two.” Awkward "Tell your boss I’ve come to see him,” growled the broad-shouldered man to the diminutive office boy. “My name is Daniels.” The boy inspected the visitor. "So you’re Mr Daniels,” he said. “That’s awkward.” Daniels: What do you mean—awkward? Office Boy: I’ve got orders to throw you out. The First Step Jock met his friend Sandy in the street. • “Sandy,” he said, “I wonder if you could oblige me with a cigarette.” “But I thought you said you’d stoppit smokin’,” said Sandy, reluctantly. ‘Aye, weel,” replied Jock. “I’ve reached the first stage. I've stoppit buying them.” A Bad Sign Hotel Visitor (just before leaving): I’ve just seen that sign near the door “Have You Left Anything?” and Manager: Oh, yes, sir, just tell me what you've forgotten, and I’ll send the page-boy right up for it. Hotel Visitor: No, no, it’s not that. I just want to tell you that that sign's all wrong. It should read: "Have You Anything Left?” Publicity An American millionaire was being shown by an agent over a Highland estate he intended to buy. When they reached the house the millionaire noticed over the entrance hall the motto, “East, West, Hame’s Best.” Turning to the agent and pointing to the mottor, he remarked: “That fellow Hame may be the best, but he’s got to take down his advertisement.” Down a Peg A conceited young writer was discussing his Art, and so forth, with an outspoken friend. “You can say what you like,” the literary man affirmed, “but you must admit I have had a whole crowd of imitators!” “You have, old boy—you have,” his friend agreed. “Most of ’em, too—years before you started writing.” Passed With Honours The great firm wanted a commercial traveller. The chief qualification required was tact. Director: Yes, you seem to understand the nature of the business; but one more question; who is the master in your home? Applicant: I am, but I let my wife think she is. He got the job. Vision Entrancing The regiment was trekking through the desert; it was arid and parched and not a drop of water was to be found. One recruit sat sadly on a stone, his head in his hands. Sergeant: What’s the matter with him? Private: Home sickness. Sergeant: We’ve all got that. Private: Yes, but his is worse than for most of us—his father keeps a pub. That’s Something The Rev. Mose Johnson was holding a service, and at the conclusion lent his hat to a member, as was the custom, to pass round for contributions. The brother canvassed the congregation thoroughly, but the hat came back to him empty. Brother Johnson looked at it, turned it upside down, and shook it vigorously. He sighed audibly. "Breddern an’ sistern,” he said, “Ah sure is glad dat Ah got mah hat back!” Squashed A lady entered the railway compartment and seated herself by the side of a salesman. After a while the traveller said politely:— “Excuse me, ma'am, but ” “If you speak or annoy me I'll pull the communication cord,” snapped the lady. Whenever he attempted to speak the lady threatened to give the alarm. At last the train slowed up at a station and the traveller rose to his feet. “I don’t care whether you like it or not,” he said, “but I want that bag of strawberries you’ve been sitting on for the last six miles.” Use Anything The fat man decided to try golf. Armed with four golf clubs, a ball and a caddie, he marched off to the links. The caddie placed the ball upon the tee. Then, with a terrific swing, the fat man whirled his club through the air. But the little white ball remained on its tee. while the club, meeting mother earth, broke into splinters.

The second, third, and fourth clubs shared the fate of the first. “What would you do now?” asked the golfer, turning in desperation to the caddie.

Holding out the empty bag, the youngster replied, “Don't give in! Hit it with this I”