Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLV, Issue 21156, 1 October 1938, Page 10

Humour of the Week

Next Best Thing The touring dramatic company was not having a prosperous time. “Look here, Jinkes,” protested the manager, addressing the tall, curlyhaired fellow who played leading parts, “you can’t play the Count of Goldero with a dirty collar like that!” “But it’s the only one I’ve got,” replied the other, gloomily.

“Then we’ll have to change the bill, that’s all,” groaned the manager, “and play instead ‘Poverty is No Crime!’”

Likely “Do you know the motive in that Russian composition they are.tplaying?” “By the sound of it I should think it was revenge.” Easy to Do Quiggle: Don’t you find it hard to meet expenses these days? Peewitt: Hard! I should say not. Why, man alive, I meet expenses at every turn. Not so Good Daughter: Yes, mother, it is settled that I am to go to Egypt with Arthur —the land of scarabs and hieroglyphics. Mother: Oh, dear! Well, don’t bring any of the horrid beasts home. Retaliation Two Irishmen were told to clean out a well. Mike was being lowered by Pat when suddenly he cried out, “Pat, pull me up.” “You’re all right, Mike,” said Pat, reassuringly. “Pull me up.” “Go on, you’re all right.” “Pull me up,” yelled the exasperated Mike, “or I’ll cut the rope.” Cutting it Short The new Irish butler was announcing the guests. Mr Jones, Mrs Jones, Miss Jones,” he said. Shorten your announcements, Patrick,” whispered his employer. “Mr Jones and family would have been sufficient.”

The next arrivals were Mr Penn; and family. “Fourpence,” announced Patrick.

Naturally! Jones was telling his wife of an incident he had seen. “I saw a fellow run into a tailor’s shop,” he said, “grab a suit and dash out!” “What happened then ” asked his wife. “Oh,” said Jones, “the tailor followed suit!” Coward The old Scots widow, on her way to dress the tombstone of her three late husbands, was accosted by a former lover with fluent expressions of sympathy. , “Three guid men,” he sighed. “Ah, Maggie, ma heart bleeds for ye.” “Awa wi’ ye and yer sympathy,” she snapped. “Had we ony spirit yer name wad be there as weel.”

In Yorkshire A man went round to see one of his pals, and as he wasn’t about he asked the wife where he was. “He’s upstairs,” said the wife. “Would yer like t’goo up?” “Ay,” he said, and went up. “Elio,” he said to his pal. “What ar’t doing?” “Paintin’ t’mangle.” “But what did ta bring t’mangle up ’ere for?” “ ’Cos t’paint were up ’ere.”

He Knew “Look here, nigghar, you’se cheating on me.” “Black man, I ain’t cheating on yo’.” “Yes, yoh is. Ah nevah dealt you dat ace.” An Improvement The plumber was a mild sort of man, but he could not get away from the fact that his assistant was terribly lazy. For a long time he said nothing, but at last he could contain his exasperation no longer. “Bill, you get on my nerves standing there with both hands in your pockets! For heaven’s sake, take one of them out!” Nothing Doing McPherson was travelling to Glasgow. On the way he felt thirsty, so he took out a bottle and drew the cork. As he was about to drink, a fellowpassenger in clerical garb addressed him. "Excuse me, sir, but I am 65 years of age and I have never tasted a drop of whisky.” "Dinna worry yersel’,” said McPherson. “You’re no gaun tae start noo.” An Objection She tried on one hat after another, and at last she seemed likely to make her choice. “Yes, modom,” said the assistant, “I’d take that one; it certainly makes you look ten years younger.” “I don't want it, then,” replied the customer. “Gracious me, modom,” said the assistant, “but it suits you 'so well.” “Yes, but when I took it off I’d look ten years older.”

Definition Little Mary: Mother, if I had been born two of us, what should I have been called? Mother: Why, a twin, of course. Mary: And if I had been born three of us, what should I have been called? Stanley (aged 10): A calamity. Irish Again Paddy and a friend were discussing the new cemetery which had just been opened in their town, and the friend had expressed a very unfavourable opinion. “In fact, he concluded. “I’d rather die than be buried in such a place.” Paddy shook his head. “All I can say is,” he remarked, “that it suits me. I like it, and I won’t be buried ; anywhere else—that is, if I’m spared.”

Simpler “One Scotch rabbit, please.” “What on earth's a Scotch rabbit?” “Oh, just the same as a Welsh one, but without the toast and cheese.” Oh, Dear! He: Miss Elsie, I would give my life for a kiss from you. She (bored): If only I knew you would keep your word! Perfect Harmony Miss Jones (at the party): Thank you so much for your accompaniment. I was singing “Down in the Forest.” What were you playing? Borrowed Plumes Charles (in cafe): “That woman seems familiar to me, Jack.” Jack: “Let me think! My wife’s hat and my daughter’s coat—why, yes, it must be our cook.” Well Preserved The young man wrote to his future father-in-law: “My appointment to a post at the Museum for Antiquities will, no doubt, induce you to entrust your daughter to me.” The Irish landlady was displeased with the habits of her lodgers, and told them, “You there are a pair if there was one. You didn’t come home of a night till early morning. If you want to stop here and do that you had better pack up and go.” Delicate School Superintendent: Mrs Jones, we punished your son because he was wilful and unruly in the classroom. Mrs Jones: I won’t have it. He is a delicate child and not used to harsh treatment. At home we never hit him except in self-defence. Fair Start They had only just been married. "How much money have you got, dear?” the young husband asked. “Let me see,” she replied, “About half-a-crown.” “Throw it away, and let’s start on the level,” he replied. Still Short Apprentice: This time we have not forgotten a single tool. Plumber: No—but I’ve forgotten where the job is. The teacher was taking a class of boys, and said reprovingly: “John McTavlsh, your mouth is open.” “I ken,” said John. “I opened it masel’.” Publicity to the End “Well, said the business man, “you better put in a clause about my employees. To each man who has worked for me twenty years I give and bequeath £10,000.” “But,” said the lawyer, “you haven’t been in business twenty years.” “I know it man, but it’s good advertising.” Non-Committal Once upon a time, they say a man invented a mouse-trap. He believed his fortune would be made by its sale if he could get President Lincoln to recommend it. After a long, persistent effort, he secured an audience with the President and received the following recommendation, which will apply to many things besides mouse-traps:— “For the sort of people who want this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing that sort of people will want.” Those Bitter-Sweets “Why don’t you call me donkey, and have done with it? You’ve hinted at it long enough,” he snarled out. “It wouldn’t be quite true,” she replied. “I suppose not, I suppose I haven’t ears enough for that animal,” he retorted sarcastically. “Oh, yes, you have,” she retorted sweetly. “You don-’t need any more 1 ears.” "What do I need, then?” “More legs.” Up to the Minute The son of a wealthy man had been placed in a merchant’s office in order to acquire business habits and methods. Gradually he became unpunctual in commencing work, until at length he did not arrive till about two in the afternoon. This had gone of for a week, when the merchant remonstrated. "But, my dear sir,” the young man reasoned, “how can I come earlier? I don’t get my breakfast until one.” “Well, get your breakfast earlier.” "How can I? I don’t get up till 12.” “Then get up earlier.” “How can I,” pleaded thd delinquent, “when I don’t go to bed until daylight?”

Misunderstood | Suitor: Sir, I should like to Inarry your daughter. Father: Oh, you would! Do you drink? Suitor: Thanks! But shall we settle the other matter first? Varied Views Two friends met in the street. One of them bad had his arm broken in a motor accident and was carrying it in a sling. “Say,” asked the first, “it’s too bad about your arm! How long will you | have to carry it in a sling?” The injured man shrugged. | “There’s a slight difference of opin- ■ ion about that,” he replied. “My doc- ; tor says two weeks—and my lawyer I says twelve!”