Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLV, Issue 21126, 27 August 1938, Page 10

Humour of the Week

The Flatterer A French officer had just arrived at the Court of Vienna. The Empress, hearing that he had the day before been in company with a great lady, asked him if it were true that the great lady was the most handsome princess of her time? The officer answered with great gallantry: “Madam, I thought so yesterday.”

Can’t Scare it off “Lighthouse no good for flog,” said the Chinese newcomer. “Lighthouse he shine, whistle he blow, flog bell he ring—and flog he come just the same. No good!” Charge Account Judge: You are charged with assault and battery. Defendant: At last a place where my credit is good! Sign of the Times First Business Man: What time have you? Second Ditto (looking at watch): A quarter to. F.8.M.: Quarter to what? 5.8. M.: Dunno. You see. tunes got so tough I had to lay off one of the hands. The Retort Courteous The stranded English actor went into a sordid eating-house in New York for a cheap meal. In the waiter he was horrified to recognise a colleague who had played with him in London. “Great Scott!” he gasped. “You a waiter in this place?” “Yes, but I don’t eat here,” replied the other, with some dignity. Week In, Week Out Squire. “So I hear you’ve married, George.” Ould George, who had astonished the village by getting married: ‘.‘Ay, zur, I always vowed I’d never wed till I’d a regular income, week in, week out.” Squire: “Indeed, George, and so you’ve got it at last?” Ould George: “Ay, zur. I started drawin’ me old-age pension last Friday.” Reason The collector was going his rounds for telephone charges, and halting in front of one house he took a letter from his pocket and glanced over it Then he rang the bell. The householder appeared. “I understand,” said the collector, “that you refuse to pay for the 152 telephone calls with which you have been charged?” “I do.” “But, my dear sir, that's absurd. What is your complaint ' “I haven’t got a telephone!”

The Locks of the Thing As McPherson and his girl were entering the cinema the girl said: “Here's my one and threepence, John.” McPherson looked pleased. “Ah. I’m glad ye’ve given it me before we go in, Jenny. Ye know, if there’s one thing I can’t abide it’s to see a lassie pay for her sei’.” False Alarm The district superintendent of a certain railway which shall remain nameless has always made a special point □f insisting that stationmasters shall send in a full report at once of any accident, however small, that happens. Recently he received the following urgent message:— “Man fell from platform In front of moving train.” Will send further details later.” After waiting for what seemed an age, the superintendent at last received the second message. "Everything O.K. Nobody injured. Engine was going backwards.”

Suiting the Action to the Word Betty had just returned from church, and was asked how she liked it. “I didn’t like it too much.” she said. “It was too long. The bishop preached. I like the dean better than the bishop.” “Why do you like the dean better?” asked her mother. “Well, the dean says, ‘Finally,’ and finishes; but the bishop says ‘Lastly,’ and he lasts!”

Reprimand “Hey. waiter!” shouted the impatient diner. “Sorry, sir, we don't serve it,” was the waiter’s reply. Made to Order Old Maid: What kind of a husband have you got? Newlywed: Oh. he will wash up when requested and dry up when ordered Free Ad. Customer: Is there much give to this cloth ? Dry Goods Clerk: No, ma’am. That’s 1 Scotch tweed. At least Frank Sympathetic Lady: And are you married, my good man? Wanderer: Certainly not, lady! Do yo- think I'd be relying on strangers for support if I had a wife? Consolation “Mamma,” said little Joan, “please button my dress.” “Please do it yourself, dear,” was the reply; “mother’s busy.” “O dear!” exclaimed Joan, “I don't know what I would do without myself!” Tact I "Bobby, how old is your big sister?” j “Twenty-five.” "Twenty-five? She told me she was just twenty.” j “Oh, I expect that's because she was i five before she learned to count.” Quite Safe The manager of a cinema interviewed an applicant for the position of attendant. After asking the man several questions as to his suitability for the job he finally asked him: i “What would you do in case of fire?’’ "Oh,” sal ’ the man, “don’t worry ' about me. 1 .' soon get out.” Now It Can Be Told "You say this will be your farewell appearance?” asked the interviewer. "Yes,” replied the famous actress, "I shall retire from the stage, never to return to it.’’ "What’s your reason for such a decision?” “ ly manager thinks it better for business to make every other tour a farewell engagement.”

Why Women Should Work “Is Bobby the youngest of Mis Brown’s four children?” "Yes, and he’s the healthiest of the lot.” "How do you account for that?" ‘Well, Mrs Brown got a job soon after he was born, and was never around to tell the child what not to do.” Too Kind? The Henpecks had arrived in the cinema when Mrs Henpeck turned to her husband. ‘ls your seat quite comfortable, dear?” she asked solicitously "Quite, my love,” replied the startled Henpeck. “And have you a good view of the screen?” was the next question. “Perfect,” Henpeck answered. “Does that awful noise outside worry you?" inquired his wife. "No, daring,” returned the bewildered little man. Mrs Henpeck changed tone suddenly: “Then change seats with me, you selfish little weasel!” she snapped.

Old Friend “Hello, Gray; why, you've shaved off your moustache! I really wouldnt have recognised you if it hadn’t been for my umbrella!” Saving Time A business man went into/ the barber shop and. seating himself in the chair, said: “Cut the whole three short.” “What do you mean?” asked the barber. "Hair, whiskers and chatter,” was the reply. Money Talks "Few men can speak for over an hour without referring to notes.” says a writer. We have found women to be much the same. Curiosity The short-sighted old lady had spent a long time in the curiosity shop. “What is that ugly Oriental figure in the corner worth?” she asked at last. "Quite ten thousand.” whispered the horrified salesman. "That’s the pro-1 prietor.” Diagnosis Patient: "I feel bad. There is a| pounding like hammers in my head, I; feel a stabbing like knives in my chest, and pins and needles in my feet.” Doctor: "That is no illness, my dear sir. That is ironmongery.” Psychological Cure Teacher examining class in first-aid: | "Waat would you do if you found a man in a fainting condition?” Pupil: "I’d give him some brandy." Teacher: “And if there was no brandy?” Pupil: "I'd promise him some.” Expert Leader of Amateur Dance Band: “I hate to tell you this. Charlie, but we're putting another pianist in your place.” Pianist: "Why, anything wrong?” Leader: "Not exactly, Charlie, but we want someone who can play with at least two fingers.” Frank A lady was entertaining the small son of the married friend. "Are you sure you can cut your meat, Tommy?” she inquired after watching him a moment. “Oh, yes, thank you." he replied, without looking up from his plate. “We often have it as tough as this at home.” From One Extreme to Another A certain celebrity always wears his hair very long. One day his wife, who is a neat person, said to him in exasperation: "When are you going to get your hair cut?” "Oh.” he replied, airily, "when I get time, my dear.” "In that case.” she replied, "they’ll ,do it free.” Ahem! The members of the committee had a knotty question before them, the solution of which seemed feasible to all except the only lady member. With a little exasperation came the I question, "Madam, can you please explain why some women are made so beautiful, and yet so dumb?” Quickly came the reply: "Sir, we ! were made beautiful so you would love I us. but dumb so we would love you!” A Real Vacation I "I’ve just had the most delightful I holiday!” related Hutchins. "No regu- | lar hours for meals! No extra charge | for baths! As much as you want of 1 food, with plenty of fresh fruit! No , lips for waiters!” i "Good gracious! Where did you go?” ! "I just stayed home.” Toot, Toot One night, two men were driving furiously in a car along a road that ran side by side with a railway track. Suddenly an express train, travelling in the opposite direction, flashed by them. "I say,” said one, "did you notice how that village was lit up?” "Yes,” replied the other; "first house was on fire.” Logical The aggressive chap stepped up to the employment manager of the large auto repair shop, saying, “I’m looking for a job as a mechanic.” The employment manager studied the applicant. “Just a moment,” he said. “Are you the fellow we fired yesterday?” “That’s right,” nodded the mechanic, "In that case,” queried the employment manager, “why do you come hi here looking for a job?” "Why not?” demanded the mechanic. “I lost it here, didn’t I?” How It's Done Office Boy: "A Mr Mattingly to see you, sir.” Boss: "Find out which Mattingly it is. If it’s Life Insurance Mattingly, tell him I don't want any to-day. If it’s Automobile Mattingly, tell him the next instalment isn’t due on my car for another 10 days. What does this Mattingly look like?” Office Boy: "He’s wearing golf togs.” Boss: "Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Show her in; that’s Golt’ Mattingly.” But it wasn't. It was Life Insurance Mattingly getting in at last. Speaking From Experience The teacher of mathematics was explaining to her class the main reason for the study of this particular subject. •‘Money and its exchange,” she said, "is the chief reason for a knowledge of numbers. Unless we had money we ■ would have little need for the study of mathematics.” At this point a boy jin the class started for the nearest exit. "John,” demanded the teacher, "where are you going?” John paused. "Out,” he said “Out?” repeated the teacher in bewildered tones. “Out,” continued the lad, as he sadly shook his head. “This is no subject for a minister’s son.” The Butler’s Last Word One of a famous American evangelist's converts was a Japanese butler, who served in a very fashionable house. Soon after his conversion, there was a large dinner party, and the butler was told to do his best. Course after course came on, and the guests were delighted with the dinner. As a climax the Japanese lad brought in a huge cake. Remembering how the evangelist used to close his service, the butler figured out that he should close his dinner with a religious sentiment. He did not know much of the Scriptures, so he decided to put on the cake the phrase which had led to his conversion. The guests were amazed to find on the cake, in sugared writing, "Prepare | to meet thy God.”