Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLV, Issue 21090, 16 July 1938, Page 10

Humour of the Week

Sales Boost “Now, then, sir—this won’t do,” the policeman said sternly. “I’m going to charge you with driving that car at 45 miles an hour.” -Look here, officer,” the driver said. “De me a favour, will, you? Make it 70 miles an hour. You see, I was on my way to sell this old bus.”

Where Needed Willie was being measured for his first made-to-order suit of clothes. "Do you want the shoulders padded, my little man?” inquired the tailor. “Naw,” said Willie, “pad the trousers.” Exit Prospective employer: Do you think you know enough to be useful in this office? Boy: Know enough? Why, I left my last place because the boss said I knew too much. Rough “Caddie,” he wailed, “this is a terrible golf course.” “Hoots, sir,” replied the caddie, “ye left the course twenty minutes ago, Ye’re in Mr MacAndrews’ rock garden.” Not Saved “I’ll never forget how nervous I was when I wanted to propose to my wife, and ” “What saved you?” “Nothing; I married her.” Not What She Meant They were settling a number of preliminary details as young people will before they take the decisive step. “Do you believe in allowances for married women?” she asked. “Certainly,” he replied. “I think a husband should make allowances for a lot of things.” Gallant Officer “Among the prettiest girls' present was Brigadier-General Blazer,” wrote a young reporter in his account of a garden party. The next day he was called to the editor's room. “What do you mean by writing stuff like that?” demanded the editor. “Well,” explained the reporter, that’s whore he was.” One by One A Government official was in charge of a rural census, and had instructed the old farmer to collect his stock of every description and have them branded. “I s’pose that’s all right,” sighed the farmer, dolefully, “but honest, mister. I believe I’m going to have a terrible time with them bees.”

Bad Example The old man in the trap dozed off leaving the horse to take care of itself. He woke up suddenly to find himself in the ditch. Crawling out of the trap, he grabbed the horse by the bridle. -Say,” he said, “you been associating with them motor-cars, ain’t you

That Will be Something Barber: Do you want anything on your face when I've finished, sir? Customer: Well. I hope you’ll leave my nose. Minus “One Scotch Rabbit, please.” “What on earth’s a Scotch Rabbit?" “Oh, just the same as a Welsh one, but without the toast and cheese.” Don’t Worry Father: But before I give you my daughter, I must have some assurance —I must have Suitor: Oh. I’ll give you a receipt. Not Much "I don’t see any patients listening to the wireless,” said the hospital visitor. “No,” said the nurse. “Most of them came here to escape from it." Tip The kind old lady had just used the public telephone for the first time, and had given the operator quite a bit of trouble. After she had finished her conversation she called the exchange. Kind Old Lady: I’m very sorry to have given you so much trouble, Miss, so I’m putting another copper in the slot for yourself. Comment Dr Hill, head of a Scottish school, once encountered a fierce onslaught from the Rev James Burn in a public meeting. When Mr Burn had concluded his attack, the professor rose and said with a smile: “Gentlemen, we all know that it is most natural that Burns should run down Hills.” The laugh was effectively raised against his opponent, and he easily won his point. Escape He was telling the company tales of his travels. “There was the lion,” he said, “and here was I. Just over there was a solitary tree. I dashed toward it, but as I approached I realised that the lowest branch was quite twenty feet from the ground, so I jumped for it.” “And did you reach it?” queried a listener. "I missed it going up,” said the traveller, “but I grabbed it as I came down.”