HUMOUR OF THE WEEK

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLIV, Issue 20966, 19 February 1938, Page 6

HUMOUR OF THE WEEK

Mayfair Murmurs The Friend: She looks nice enough to eat. The Fiance: She does, too.

Phenomenal Ethel: Last night Jim tried to put his arm round me three times. Betty: I say, some arm! Two Sizes Larger “Heard the latest news about Newrich?” “No—what now?” “He bought a Louis XIV bed, but it was too small for him, so he sent it back and asked for a Louis XVI.” Rivals A couple of rival, but friendly shopkeepers were talking things over. “When does your opening sale close?” asked the first. “When your closing sale opens,” replied the second. Etiquette “I’m afraid you’ll be late at the party,” remarked an elderly lady to her granddaughter. ‘‘Oh, dear, grandma,” said the girl, “don’t you know that in a fashionable set nobody goes to a party until everybody has got there?” In the Long Run Client: I want to make my will before the holidays. Lawyer. Don’t worry. Leave it to me. Client: Yes’ I’m told it comes to that in the long run. In the Shade “Was there any shade in the desert?” “Yes, but I couldn’t get in it.” “Why not?” “Have you ever tried to sit in your own shadow?” Eggs-Actly The guest glanced up and down the menu with enthusiasm. “Oh, well,” he decided finally, “you may bring me a dozen fried oysters.” “Ah’s very sorry, sah,” said the coloured waiter, “but we’s out ob all shellfish, exceptin’ eggs.” More’s the Pity Auntie: I do hope you will like my present. I couldn’t decide whether you would like a large check or a small one. Impecunious Nephew: Any cheque would be ripping, Auntie. Auntie: Ah, what a pity I bought you a striped tie, after all. Strange “Why so miserable?” asked Brown of his disconsolate-looking friend. “My fiancee has broken with me and has even returned the ring—l cannot understand it,” the other replied. “Take no notice—don’t take it so tragically.” “Yes, but I never gave her a rihg.” Too Much “I’ve asked Mr and Mrs Smith to dinner at seven, Mary, but I think we’ll give them a quarter of an hour’s grace,” said Mrs Bigg. “Well, ma’am,” replied the maid, “I’m religious myself, but I think that’s rather overdoin’ it!” Shoe Polish Sandwiches The wife cut her husband some sandwiches for his lunch. She telephoned him some time later. “Dear,” she said, “have you eaten any sandwiches?” “Yes,” he replied. “They were very nice. Why?” “Oh, nothing,” she told him. Only I suppose you’ll have to clean your brown shoes with meat to-morrow!” The Last Question “Daddy, why . . he began, for the twentieth time that evening. “Look here,” said his exasperated father, “have you ever heard of the little boy who asked so many questions that he was turned into a question mark?” Daddy,” he said at last, “how did lie The child pondered over this. “But, manage to keep the dot under himself.”

Tanned The small boy from the highlands was on his first visit to Glasgow. Suddenly he drew his mother’s attention to a shop window in which several pairs of brown boots were displayed. “Look ma,” he shouted, “the sun must be awfu’ strong in Glesca. A’ the buits are sun-burnt.” Business Instinct “You will observe,” said the schoolmaster, “that the higher the altitude, the colder the temperature becomes.” “But isn’t it warmer up in the mountains” asked the boy at the bottom of the class, the son of the local ironmonger. “Certainly not,” replied the master, “why do you think it would be warmer there?” “I thought, answered the youngster, “that the atmosphere was heated by the mountain ranges.”

What to Do “Sir, the enemy are before us as thick as peas!” “All right, shell them!” Dinkum Oil “I hear you got thrown out of college for calling the dean a fish.” “I didn’t call him a fish. I just said, "that’s our dean,’ really fast.” Sound Return “Do you ever hear any more about the money you lent to the people next door?” “I should say so. They bought a radio with it.” Little Lady Mother: Marilyn, were you a good little girl at church to-day? Marilyn: Yes, mother. A man offered me a big plate of money and I said, “No, thank you.” Point of View Mrs Browne: Mrs Simpson is always boasting that no man has ever kissed her except her husband. Mrs Jenkins: That sounds more like a complaint than a boast. Suits Him “I’m so pleased it’s not good form to wear a watch with a dress suit.” "Why?” “Because I never have my watch and my dress suit at the same time. The Open Mind Woman (about to attend a political meeting) : I’m not prejudiced at all. I’m going with a perfectly open and unbiased mind to listen to what I’m convinced is pure rubbish. He Knew The small boy who had seen the accident was put in the witness-box. "Now,” said the Judge kindly, "do you know the nature of an oath?” "Yes,” replied the little man, "I’m a caddie.” Wanted A determined man strode on to the fair ground and made for the circus. “Where is the man who can saw a woman in half?” he inquired. "Do you want him?” asked the attendant, warily. "Yes, I have a job of work for him.” Safety First An old Chinese, delivering laundery in a Wild West mining camp, heard a noise and noticed a huge brown bear sniffing his tracks in the newly-fallen snow. "Huh!” he grasped. "You likee my tracks—l makee some more.” Another Record Magistrate: Are you sure the prisoner was drunk? Policeman: No, sir, not positive, but his wife says he brought home a manhole cover, and tried to play it on the gramophone. Confirmation Needed “You are the most wonderful girl in the world. You are the object of my life, the hope of my hope, my inspiration and my ambition. I would fight dragons, conquer the world for you. I would give my life for you. Will you be mine?” “Oh, Tommy, do you really like me?” Unimpressed Two farmers were standing on the station platform when a lady passed, dressed in the height of fashion. “There, George,” said one, “what’s think o’ that, lad?” George eyed the stylish lady for a few minutes and then said: “Ay, well, it’s poor ground that takes so much top-dressing.” Better Than Nothing In an Irish court an old man was once called into the witness-box. He was nearly blind, and mistook the steps that led into the witness-box; instead he mounted those that led up to the Bench. The Judge smiled at the mistake and asked him jocularly: “Is it a Judge you want to be, my good man?” "Ah, faith, thin your Honour,” was the reply, "I am an ould man now and maybe it is all I’m fit for.”

She Didn’t Know The boxer’s young . wife was listen-ing-in to a.radio commentary on her husband’s fight. “Ah!” exclaimed the commentator, “Jimmy Slogg has just stopped a terrific right with his jaw!” “Bravo, Jim!” breathed Mrs Slogg, “Keep stopping ’em!” Suspect Jack was home on his first leave from the Navy, and his old father was admiring his uniform. “What I can’t understand,” said the old man, after a moment, “is why they make the trousers so wide at the bottom.” “Oh,” explained Jack, “that’s so we can roll them up quickly.” “Well, you’re no son of mine,” the old man warned him, “if you fight with your feet. It’s your jacket sleeves that ought to be wide at the bottom!”