Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLIII, Issue 20722, 8 May 1937, Page 10 (Supplement)

Humour of the Week

Webster’s, Please Copy "Say, Dad, what is a genealogist?” “He’s a bird that feathers his nest in somebody else’s family tree.” Efficiency “How are you getting along since your wife went away?” “Fine, I’ve reached the highest point of efficiency. I can put on my socks from either end.”

Service Diner: Have you any wild duck? Waiter: No, sir; but we can take a tame one and irritate it for you. Horn Repair Man: Shall I install a loud or soft horn, sir?” O’Leary: Just one with a dirty sneer. Monetary Rise “The first thing Maud did with her legacy was to buy a dozen new hats." "Ah; I was afraid the money would go to her head.” Whiskers Ernie: My uncle can play the piano by ear. Gurney: That’s nothing. My uncle fiddles with his whiskers. Now It Can be Told “Daddy, do they raise political plums from seeds?” “No; political plums are sometimes the result of a clever bit of grafting.” Extracurricular A man in an insane asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visitor, wishihg to be friendly, walked up and said: "How many have you caught to-day?” “You’re the ninth,” replied the nut. Impossible! “Hm-m! Here’s a story about a collar button found in a cow’s stomach.” "That must be a fake. How could a cow get under a bedroom dresser?” Test of Manners It is told of a sage that one day, after the fashion of his school, he was qpestioned, “Master, what is the test of good manners?” “It is being able to put up pleasantly with bad ones,” was the quick reply. The Difference At lunch time two office workers in the city sat on a seat in the park. One was munching an apple, carefully examining the fruit between each bite. “Doesn’t it make you mad when you come upon a worm in a nice apple you’re eating?” remarked his companion. "No,” replied the other. “It makes me mad when I come on half a worm.” Good Fishing Old Mr Jenkins was down for a week’s fishing holiday. His luck had not been good. Coming home one afternoon he saw a little boy, carrying a really fine catch. “You have some nice fish there, sonny," said Jenkins. “Where did you catch them?" “Well, mister,” said the boy, “go down that road till you comes to a gate marked ‘Private.’ Walk through and follow the path till you sees a board saying 'Beware of the dog.’ Don’t take no notice of that, but go on till you finds a post wiv 'Trespassers will be prosecuted.’ Turn left marked 'No fishing allowed.’ That’s where I caught ’em.”

City Girl “Oh, what a funny-looking cow!" said the fair young visitor from the city “Why hasn’t it any horns?” “There are many reasons," answered the farmer, "why a cow does not have horns. Some are born without horns, and do not have any until the late years of their life. Others are dehorned. Wliile still other breeds are not supposed to have horns at all. So you see there are many reasons why a cow sometimes does not have horns. But the chief reason that this critter does not have any horns is that it isn’t a cow at all. It's a horse."

The Exception Sentimental Bachelor Friend: Ah, if I had your wife no one would be happier than I! Mr Henpeck: Oh, yes—l would! Nasty Brown: Our friend Black maintains that he came from a very good family. Green: Possibly, but I guess he’s mighty footsore.

No Difference Teacher: If you substract 14 from 116 what’s the difference? Tommy: Yeh, I think it's a lot of foolishness, too. The Mental Effort Farmer: Thought you said you had ploughed the ten-acre field? Ploughman: No, I only said I was thinking about it. Farmer: Oh, I see, you’ve merely turned it over in your mind. Snappy The chemist was explaining to the lady the progress of his experiments. "My,” she commented, “the manufacture of synthetic rubber is such a slow process, isn’t it?” “Well," he returned, “we have to make it slow to make it snappy.” Healthy Appetites Dorothy: I had a wonderful day. grandma. I went over the hills with a party of hikers, and, oh! you should have seen the Devil’s Gorge. Grandma: Hush, Dorothy, that’s not the way to speak of your companions. I’m sure they only had healthy appetites. The True Servant "I want a man to do odd jobs about the house, run errands, one that never answers back, and is always ready to do my bidding,” explained a lady to an applicant. “You’re looking for a husband, ma’am, not a servant!” said the seeker for work. Had Good Experience “I’d like a job, sir, as waiter,” said the applicant. “You have had experience in waiting I suppose?” queried the restaurant proprietor. “Indeed I have." “For how long?” “Why. sir, I’ve taken meals at restaurants for 12 years.” No Flies on Him! Two country yokels were on a visit to see the sights of London. After a day of “rubbernecking” they decided to go to a theatre. Going up to the box office one planked down a £1 note and said, "Two seats.” "Stalls?” was the inquiry. "Lookee 'ere, my lad,” said one yokel, "don't ye think because we cum from the country that we be cattle. Oi want two cushioned seats.” Best of a Bad Lot "I gave the best answer in nature study this morning, mother," said little Johnny when he arrived home from school. "Well, I am glad,” replied the proud mother. “Yes,” said little Johnny, "teacher asked how many legs an ostrich had. and I said three.” “But an ostrich has two legs." “I know that now, mother, but the rest of the class said four, so I was the nearest.”

Stylish Clothes A miserly man was approached by a friend who tried to persuade him to dress more in accordance with his station in life. “I'm surprised,” said the friend, "that you should allow yourself to become shabby.” “But I'm not shabby,” said the miser. "Oh. but you are. Remember your lather. He was always neatly dressed, His clothes were always well tailored and of the best material!" “Why,” shouted the other triumphantly, “these clothes I'm wearing were father’s!”

Well Alight “Is your'son bright?” "He ought to be. He’s burning the candle at both ends.” The Cure “Gosh, you’re just like an icicle!” said the boy friend in disgust. “Well,” she remarked quietly, “if you squeeze an icicle it usually melts.” Strategy Officer: Now, tell me, what is your idea of strategy? Cadet: It’s when you’re out of ammunition, but keep right on firing. Summed Up Mrs Quack: What are your new neighbours like, Mrs Quackmore? Mrs Quackmore: Not much class. Hubby says their lawn mower has ruined his garden, and the pan I borrowed was distinctly chipped. Following Instructions Manager (to boy seeking employment) : Weren’t you here two weeks ago? And didn’t I tell you I wanted an older boy? Boy: Yes, sir. That’s why I’ve come back. No Change Tilson: I hear you had your brother-in-law to stay with you for his holidays? Bilson: Yes. He came with a spare shirt and a pound note and didn’t change either of them. A Hint A doctor and a dentist shared the services of a typist, and both fell in love with her. The dentist was called away on business. so he sent for the typist, and said, “I’m going to be away for ten days. You’ll find a little present in your room." She went in, and found ten apples. A Matter of Tape A somewhat stout actor was late for rehearsal one morning, and the producer was annoyed. He said: “Does anyone know where Blank is?” “Yes," said one of Blank’s friends, "he’s gone to the tailor to be measured for a suit.” "Measured.” shouted the producer, "You mean ‘surveyed,’ don’t you?” Not Touched The boss rang for the office boy. “What’s become of the cigarettes In the box on my desk?” he asked. “Haven’t touched them, sir,’ ’replied the boy briskly. “Haven’t you? Why, there are only half a dozen there!” “Yes, sir. They’re the ones I haven’t touched!” Pressing Situation Weary Father (appearing in parlour doorway at mid-night): "My dear sir, I have no objection to your coming here and sitting up half the night with my daughter, or to your standing on the doorstep for three hours saying ‘Good-night.’ But, in consideration for the rest of the household who wish to go to sleep, will you kindly take your elbow off the bell push?” About Time Jimson pulled into the garage with a horrible grinding of brakes, and, descending from his ramshackle twoseater, asked to be shown some decent second-hand cars. "Ah—got tired of the old bus, sir?" the assistant inquired. “No —not quite,” Jimson replied, “but every time I park this thing, some copper comes dashing up to make sure I’ve reported the accident!” Ghostly The mistress gave her maid a ticket for a spiritualist meeting. The next morning she asked how the meeting had gone. “No, ma’am,” said the maid. “I’m afraid I don’t hold with them spiritualists." “And why is that, Mary?” asked the mistress. “Well, ma’am, I went to that meeting hoping to find out what had happened to my ear-rings which disappeared, and when I came away I found that my necklace had gone, too.”

Workmanship and Dispatch A young man who had suddenly inherited a fortune decided to learn how to carry himself in society. He went to a school of deportment, and a bowing Frenchman begged him to enter. “Do you give lessons in deportment?" inquired the young man. “The best, m’sieu!” gushed the proprietor. My system ees perfect. Two weeks ago a young man—like you, m’sieu, he take only three of my lessons in deportment—and yesterday he was deported.” Cutting Green was regarded as the meanest man in the village. When Jones entered his fruit shop to purchase a few pounds of kidney beans, Green kept balancing the scales to see that he did not give over-weight, finally breaking a bean into halves to ensure the weight was only just correct. Jones picked up his change in disgust, leaving a half-penny on the counter. "You haven’t picked up all your change, sir,” said Green. "It’s all right," answered Jones. “Keep that half-penny. I trod on a monkey nut as I came in.” The Only Way Jack Jones, newly married, occupied furnished apartments, with which he was very dissatisfied. An acquaintance offered to let him a small bungalow at very low rent, but Jack said he couldn’t afford to furnish it. “Well, I’ve got enough spare furniture to start you,” said the owner, “and you can pay weekly instalments on it with the rent.” Jack agreed, but during the first quarter didn’t pay a penny for rent or instalments. Finally his landlord lost his patience. “Your hegrt must be a lump of pav-ing-stone,” said Jack bitterly. “But you can do your worst! sell me up.” Practice First “I’ll give any man a fiver who can drink twelve pints right off,” said the stranger in the bar-parlour. A little man, apparently uninterested in the offer, immediately drank up his beer and left. A quarter of an hour later he returned and finding the offer still open, announced that he would try it. Without more ado he drank up the twelve pints that had been placed on the counter. The feat staggered the occupants of the bar. “Well, I’m blowed!” said the stranger, handing over a fiver. I didn’t think it was possible.” “Nor did I," said the little man, a trifle breathlessly, “until I'd been down to the ‘Stag's Head’ and tried it out!"