Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLIII, Issue 20669, 6 March 1937, Page 10 (Supplement)

Humour of the Week

Why He was Silent A young candidate for the Navy was being examined by a board of admirals. One of the “intelligence” questions fired at him was: “What kind of animal eats grass?” No reply. “Surely you can answer a simple question like that!” snapped one of the admirals. “Now, then, what kind of animal eats grass?” “Animal!” gasped the candidate, “I thought you said ‘admiral’!”

Good For Business Diner: Waiter, this steak is only half the size of the one I had yesterday. Waiter: But you’re not sitting beside the window to-day. Obliging Office Boy: Please, sir, can I attend my grandfather’s funeral on Friday? Employer: Certainly. That’s the day I’ve just fixed for the firm’s annual staff outing. Party Manners Hostess: Do have some, dear. Willie (at party): Well, mother told me to say, ’No, thank you.’ But I don’t think she could have known how small the first helping was going to be. Reverence “Norah,” said a mother to her little daughter. “Grandpa died yesterday and you must not play the piano.” “It’s all right,” answered Norah, “I’m only putting the black keys down.” Unlucky “Do you know that your wife is going about telling everybody thai you can’t keep her in clothes?” “Thai’s nothing. I bought her a home, and I can’t keep her in that, either.” The Cruise The following was overheard in the bus:— “How did you enjoy your holidays, Bill?” “Oh, I went on a P. and O. cruise for the week.” “A P. and O. what?” “Aye. Just a P. and O. cruise. ‘Parks’ and ‘open spaces,’ you know.” What’s the Use A man telegraphed a hardware store the other day to order a scythe. “Size?” asked the assistant who took the telephone call. “Not size,” the man replied. “Scythe.” “Yes, yes, I can hear you,” the salesman said. “What size?” “No, no no,” the customer yelled. “Not size, but scythe—SCYTHE. You know what a scythe is, don’t you? A grass cutter.” The next day a delivery man appeared at the customer’s house with a glass cutter.

His Prescription Did you ever hear of the country doctor who would never admit himself in the wrong? One morning a man rushed ini/. the surgery. He was furious. “Look here,” he shouted, “you’re nothing but a common cheat. You promised my brother you could cure him and now he’s dead. I’ll have you thrown up. I’ll—” “Now just one moment,” said the doctor. “Perhaps your brother didn’t follow my s instructions.” “Oh. yes he did! He followed your instructions all right. He took vour medicine for a year. And still he died.” The doctor smiled. “Well, there you are! I told him to take it for two years.”

I All is Vanity A woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend, bringing /ith her an 11-year-old daughter who gave promise of becoming as great a beauty as her mother. During the conversation between the adults the girl amused herself by trying on her mother’s hat. Turning to her parent, the child said: “I Icok just like you now, mother, don't I?” “Sli!” cautioned the mother with uplifted finger, “don’t be vain, deal.”

Experience “Well, apart from having ten of your own. do you know anything about children?” Mixed Worshipper: I was given to understand you had a mixed choir here, but some of them can sing, and some of them can’t. Curate: Nevertheless it’s mixed Her Last Mrs Guddley (hostess): Oh, do have another cake, Mrs Duggley. I baked these myself. Mhs Duggley: Well. I’ll just have one more, but that’ll finish me. ' The Nearest Approach “Say, dad,” said Willie, “what does it mean when people talk about the heyday of youth?” “I don’t know about the hay day,” came the reply, “but I guess it’s when we’re in clover!” Only Conductors t “I was told that the best brains of the country were engaged in conducting my defence,” sniffer Twister. “True,” said his solicitor apologetically, “but owing to unforseen circumstances ” “I call them conductors,” eered Twister. “Not one of them had the foggiest notion of how to beat time and here am I left to face the music ” Consoling A violin and piano recital was in progress, and the music being played called for a number of solo efforts by the violinist. During one of these, a dear lady leaned forward and poked the youngster at the piano with her umbrella. “Never mind,” she whispered. “I expect he’ll play something you know in a minute!” First Aid A boy, sitting next to his mother in church, said that he felt unwell. The mother told the boy to slip out while the next hymn was being sung. This he did, but returned. “Why did you not go home?” asked the boy’s mother. “I was going,” was the reply, “but on my way out, I saw a box labelled, ‘For the sick.’ ”

Taking a Risk “Who will drive this car aWay for £10?” was a notice I read the other day in the window of a secondhand dealer. And, believe it or not, the dealer told me that a man went in, looked doubtfully at the car, and then remarked: “All right. I’ll take a chance! Where’s the money?” Values “Yes,” said the first manufacturer sadly, “I lost a thousand quid over Jones’s bankruptcy. I’d just sold him a big lot of goods when he closed down.” “Well,” said his friend, “you still had the goods, hadn’t you?” “Oh, yes,” replied tlie first, “I had the goods! But what could I do with a lot of rubbish like that?”

Results Mother: Sit down. Bob, and tell 1 your little brother a story. Bob: I can’t, mother. I’ve just told father a story, and I can’t sit down “If Id known what sort of person was at the other side of the door I wouldn’t have answered the bell!” “If I’d known, lady, I wouldn't ’ave a-rung it.” Some Crusts are like That “Where is the paper plate I gave you under your pie?” asked the bride. “Was that a plate?” inquired Ihe groom anxiously. “I thought it was the lower crust.” Rare Antique dealer: I have here a very rare revolver. Dates from the time of the Romans. Prospective Customer: But the Romans didn’t use revolvers. Antique Dealer: I know, sir. That’s what makes it so rare. Excellent Copy Author: May I have some further details about this magnificent estate you offer for sale? Agent: Do you wish to buy it? Author: No. But I think I can use your glowing description of it m my new novel. Something Like That The guide was showing a party of American tourists over a noted church in London. When they reached the belfrey the guide said: This ’ere bell is a bit unusual, it is. We only ring it on the occasion of a visit from the Lord Bishop, or when we ’ave a fire, a flood, or some such calamity. Quite in Order The pilot was giving exhibition flights at 2s 6d a time. “Now,” he said to his passengers before taking off. “I-am going to rise to 2000 feet. If by accident anything should go wrong up above, you have only to pull the rip cord of the parachute strapped to your shoulders, and you will float gent-lv to earth.”

“But,” ventured a young lady, rather nervously, “supposing the parachute doesn’t open?” The airman smiled reassuringly. “That’s all right, miss,” he returned. “In that case just go round to the aerodrome cashier’s office—third door left up the stairs—and you’ll get your money back.” What are They? On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary society was unable to be present to introduce the speaker; and the Mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The amiable official introduced the lecturer with his accustomed eloquence, and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this observation: “And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have often wondered: What are keats?” Boy Tries to Keep Faith The tiny boy had been taken for a motor ride by a friend of the family. On his return his mother said to him. “Did you thank Mr Sinks for taking you for a ride?” There was no answer. The mother repeated her question, but still there was no answer. “Jimmie,” she said, “did you hear me? Did you thank Mr Binks for taking you for a ride?” “Yes,” whispered Jimmie, “but—but he told me not to mention it.” Now, What? A man had lost his pocket wallet in the street, and in an effort to get it back inserted an advertisement in the local paper which read: , “The man who picked up my leather pocket wallet in Cheltenham Road this afternoon was recognised. He is requested to return it.” The following evening a similar announcement was in the same paper, and said: “The man who picked up the wallet and was recognised requests the loser of same to call any time and collect it.” Wait and See A wealthy man decided to commission an artist to paint his new country mansion, with himself, as the owner, standing in the doorway. He approached the artist, who agreed to the proposal. In due course the picture was completed, but the artist, for some reason, had neglected to paint in the figure of his client. “It’s all right,” said the man, “but where do I come in?” The artist tried to pass off the error as a joke. “Oh,” he said, “you’ve just gone inside to write my cheque!” “Oh, have I?” retorted the other. “Then perhaps I’ll be coming out soon, and if I do I’ll pay you. In the meantime we’ll hang it up and wait.” For a Fair Division When the time came for the reading of the Scotch farmer’s will it was found that all his property was left jointly to his two sons, Donald and Hamish. But the boys found it quite impossible to agree on the division of the estate. They took their problem to a local professor, another Scot, and asked tor his solution. “It is simple,” said the learned man. “You, Donald, will divide the property as you think fit.” Donald beamed with pleasure, and Hamish’s face clouded. “And you, Hamish,” continued the old man, “will take whichever half you please.” Objection Over-Ruled Counsel for the defence was crossexamining the witness. Said witness was a fetching blonde, with two lovely big blue eyes. The lawyer leaned forward. “Where were you?” he thundered, “on Monday night?” The blonde smiled sweetly. “Motoring,” she replied. “And where were you,” bellowed counsel, “on Tuesday night?” "Motoring,” repeated the beautiful blonde. Counsel leaned still closer. “And what,” he murmured, “are you doing to-morrow night?” The prosecuting counsel leapt to his feet. “Your lordship,” he protested, “I object to that question!” The judge shrugged his shoulders “And why do you object?” he inquired, mildly. Prosecuting counsel drew himself up in righteous indignation "Because.” he snapped, “1 asked her first!”