Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXLIII, Issue 20639, 30 January 1937, Page 17

Humour of the Week

1937 Model “Will you have a loud or quiet horn on the car?” “Have you any that kind of sneer?” Pansy? Bill, Jun.: "Had your car out last night, Dad. Took one of the boys for a rim.” Bill, Sen.: “That’s O.K. Tell him I found his little lace handkerchief.’ Gratitude Minister: Ye’ve worked hard for me, Pat, and I am going to give you that fat pig." Pat: "God bliss yer rivirence. It's just loike ye, sorr.” Dear Girl Daughter: “But, Dad, don’t you believe that two can live as cheaply as one?” Dad: “Sure; your mother and I are living as cheaply as you.”

Time New Vicar: Quite a lot of people had coughs during my sermon this morning. Old Verger: Coughs? They ain’t ; coughs, zur. Them’s time signals. Who Regrets? Marjory: Since she married again, I don’t believe she deplores the death of her first husband at all. Joan: No; but her present husband does? Bound to Rise Little Pamela: “Mamma, do angels have wings?” Mother: “Yes, dear.” Little Pamela: ‘(Well, I heard Dadcla tell nurse she was an angel last night. Can she fly?” Mother: “She will.” Qareless The pastor was examining ope qf the younger classes, and asked the question: “What are the sins of omission?” After a little silence one ypupg lady offered : “Please, sip, they’re sins we ought tp have committed, and haven’t.” Life’s Compensations Wife (looking up from newspaper): “It tells here about a man giving his wife a £5O necklace. Nothing like that ever happens to me.” Husband: “I was just reading about a man giving his wife a pair of black eyes. Nothing like that ever happens to you, either.” Cautious A Tommy on manoeuvres was posted as a sentry on an outpost on a bitterly cold night: ('Halt! Who goes there?” he shouted, very fed up with life. “Oh! I’m the Army Chaplain,)’ came the reply from the darkness. | "I don’t care if you’re Chqrlie Cfiaplin, come forward and be recognised.” Phew! The bricklayers had just finished the foundations qf a house on a suburban estate, when a workman, carrying a ladder, stopped to watch them lay the first row of bricks. One pf the bricklayers, looking up from his work, and catching sight of the man, said: — “I say, lads, we had better hurry up, there’s the chap ’ere waiting to clean the winders.” The Beason Little Jones (he has to be littlp) came to the office with a noticeable gap in his front teeth. “Hullo,” they said, “had an accident?” “No, only a row with the missus.” “And she Ifit you as hard as that?” “Oh. no, sire didn’t. But the next time I gnash my teeth at hpr I’ll be careful to take my pipe out first!”

At the Nineteenth A parson who was finishing a round of golf got bunkered at the eighteenth. While playing his ball he got some sand In his eye. This continued to trouble him when he went into tfie clubhouse and ordered a glass of milkWhen he tasted the beverage he looked sharply at the steward and said. “Is this milk?” (‘Weil, sir/’ grinned the steward, “naturally I put a dash of rum in if when you winked.”

South African Silhouette He worshipped the ground she walked on. She was walking on her father’s diamond fields. The Reason A poet sent an effusion entitled “Why Do I Live?” to a literary reviewThe editor returned the poem with the following note: “You Jive because you didn’t dare bring it in yourself.” Better Still “You are pretty dirty, Mary,” said the master to his maid. She blushed. “Yes, sir, but I’m more pretty when I’m clean,” she said. Candid Traveller (at small hotel): There does nqt seem tp be any escape here in the case qf fire or any other emergency. Landlady (Scot): There's no going to be ony fire, nor ppy emergency, for ye will hae tae pay to advance. Affection William Smith obtained a job as gardener in a large house. The mistress took a great interest in the garden, and one day asked Smith: “And how's my sweet william this morning?” Smith: Well if it’s gqing to be like that, call nip BillMissed Opportunity “John, dear,” said Mrs Brqwn, “such an odd thing happened to-day. The clock fell off the wall, and if it had fallen a moment sooner, it would have hit mqther.” “I always said that clock was slow.” Shocking “But, my dear,” protested the husband, when hjs wife sought his aid

during a cleaning campaign, “Smith was electrocuted when he washed the chandelier.” “Well,” yeplipfl his spouse, “you paid the last premium on your life policy, didn’t you?” The Brute Mrs Smith: “You know, dear, you hold that umbrella over me every bit as nicely as before we were married; to fact, you are even more careful.” Mr Smith: “Yes. I have to pay for your dresses now.” Destination Unknown Mr Brown was sitting down tq breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper announcenient of his own death. He rang up his friend Smith. “Hello, Smith," he said. “Have you seen the announcement qf my death in the paper?” “Yes," replied Smith, “Where are yqt speaking from?"

A Night’s Best Two men had put up at a hoarding house and were just preparing for bed when one of them proceeded to shake the blankets vigorously. Just then the landlord looked into the room and exclaimed, “’Ere, that won’t kill ’em!” Whereupon the boarder replied: “I , know that, but it’ll make ’em dizzy for the night.” Sl,y Donald A simple Highland shepherd lad, named Donald, was an obedient son and a shy lover. “Mither," he said one evening, “can I get opt tge see ma lass?” “Of course, Donald,’! replied his mother, readily. Later, on his return, she asked: ’’Well, Donald, did ye see , Jean?" “Aye, mither,” he replied, : “and if I hadna’ bobbed doon behind the shed she’d hae seen me!"

Dumb! The cinema was crowded. Ong man, missed by the usher, drifted derelict looking for a place. Eagerly he peered through the half darkness. Then he sighed with relief. He had found one— and yet—. He bent over toward the vacant chair, touched the shoulder of the man sitting on the other sidA and whispered. “Is this seat reserved?’! “Yps, I thifik it pipst be.’’ was the reply; “it hasn’t said a word.”

A Harder Task “How old is your father?" “Thirty-eight, teacher.” “M’m, I must set you homework more suitable to one of his age.” Barrel Variety Prqud Suburban Lady: “You know, my husband plays the organ.” Acquaintance: “Well, if things don't t improve my husband will have to get one. tftfi.” Just tile Lad Pliffliber; “Have ypu brought me yqur references to see?” Applicant: “No—l’ll go back for them-” Plumber: “You’ll do.” s i Feats j Robinsqn: “It’s really wonderful what , some insects can do. A grass-hopper t can jump 200 times its length." ■ Adams: “That's nothing. I once saw a wasp raise a 200-pound man three £ feet off the ground.” Difficult Scene: The first tee of a well-known J golf course. Time: A crowded Sunday afternoon. ' Gentleman teed his ball, twice clean 1 missed it, then turned to the onlookers and remarked: “Well, this is a difficult • course.” ' “How Dare You!’’ Old Lady (on platform): “Which 1 platform for the Wellington train?” Porter: “Turn to the left and you’ll ; be right!” “Don’t be impertinent, young man.” ' “All right, then, turn to your right and you'll be left!” The Poor Artist Model: “Are you sure I am the first model you ever kissed?” Artist: “I swear it!” Model: “And how many models had you before me?” Artist: Four. A pineapple, two oranges and a vase of flowers.” At Last “It is simply a question of veracity between us,” said the oldest inhabitant. “He said I was a liar, and I said he was one.” ’’Humph!” rejoined the village postmaster. “That's the first time I ever heard either of you telling the truth.” A Shattered Romance Flapper (romantically): Oh. mother, I want, to rise to higher things. I want to act for the films and reach the topmost rung of the ladder. Mother: That’s the spirit, Elsie. Now climb right up on this step-ladder and put up the clean curtains. Complete Teacher, inspecting child’s drawing of “The Flight into Egypt”; Very good, but what’s that dot on the end of the string? Child: That’s the flea, ma’am- " The flei?!’ “Yes, ma’am. It says: ‘Take the young child and flea into Egypt.’ ” Woman’s Wit Wifie: Albert, dear, while looking through some of your old clothes this morning, I made such a lucky find that I ordered a new fur coat from Messrs. Cuttem and Co. on the strength of it. Hubby: What was it, dear? ( Wifie: Half a dozen cheques that had never been written on. Time for a Drink Three slightly deaf men were motoring to London in an old noisy car and hearing was difficult. As they were nearing London, No. 1 asked: Is this Wembley? No. replied: No, Thursday. No. 3 shouted: Sq am I. Let’s stop and have one. All jn Their Line! Thg lady was telephoning from her house to a large drapery establishment. Unfortunately, however, she gqt a wrong number—a firm of auditors. “Are you there?” she said. “Do you supply sheets?” ’’Oh, yes,” came the reply. "Balancesheets!” Some Cure “Hey, Bill, did you do as I told you—- : take a bottle pf whisky for that cold of yours?” ‘Sure, old man, and thanks very much. It was gone, absolutely, within an hour.” ‘(An hour? That’s a quick cure for * a cold.” “I don’t mean the cold.” First Storm

Herbert and Hilda, the humble honeymooners, were having dinner in a first-class restaurant. “What do yqu think of this?” whispered Herbert. “Why, I think it’s superb,” responded Hilda gushingly. “Darling, I know it’s soup,” said hubby a trifile irritably, ’’and please dqn’t call me "Erb (ere.” Capght She was telling hpr husband the troubles of the day. “You know, Bert,” she said, “Mrs West has a very nasty habit.” “What’s that, dear?’’ he asked patiently. “She turns round and looks back every time we pass her in the street,” his yiife replied. “Really! And how do you know, dear?” he responded softly. Driving Them Home A loud snore from a Pullman berth kept all the rest of tfie passengers awake. Finally the porter came to the berth from whpre the snoring was issuing and said:—■ “Pardon, sir, are you awake?” The answer was:— “Y-yes, I am awake now.” “I beg your pardon, sir, but would you mind staying awake until the rest of the passengers get to sleep?” Cqtrcclpr Farmer <sfles came into the kitqfien to say he equid not find any old clqthes to ppi on the scarecrow. “Well.” said hjs wife, “our Henry said I could give away his old plijsfour suit, as he had got a new one. Why fiqt use that?" “Egp’l fig ridiculpps, woman,’! said the farmer, testily. "What I want to do is to scare craws, nqt to make them laugh.” Tp fbe Point “Dpfi’-t give tup su c fi worfiy reports when you make thgm out in future,” said the railway inspector to the line overseer. “Just put down the condition qf the track as you find itLeaye put everything that isn’t to the point. I want a business letter, not a ngvgl.” Thp pyprsger replied that fie grasped the pomt. A few ppys lyfer tfie line was badly fippded. and tfie overseer wrote his rppart tq the inspector hi the new style. It read: “Where the railway was, the river is."