Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXL, Issue 20285, 7 December 1935, Page 15 (Supplement)

Humour of the Week

Two to One lt Excited Young Father; Quick! Tell y me! Is it a boy? Nurse: Well, the one in the middle is. They Moved e Sergeant (drilling squad): When .1 say “One,” stand at attention; at v “Two,” jump in the air; at “Three,” ’’ come down again. r Making School Easy “What would you like for your - birthday, Frankie?” 8 “Oh, a telephone! Then I can answer 3 teacher’s questions without going to f school.” ' A Colour Scheme 1 Hubby: I banged my eye on a lamppost in the fog; has it gone black, 8 dear? } Wife: No, dear, it’s a gorgeous midfc night blue, tinged with that new shade 3 in pale maroon! t Discord E First Wife: I told my husband about 1 those gowns that are selling for a song. : Second Wife: What did he say? ■ First Wife: He said if I expected • him to furnish the notes I’d better ■ change my tune. - Gratification A snob wrote saying that she hoped the headmaster was very particular ! about the class of boy allowed into the school. Be replied: “Dear Madam, so long as your son’s fees are paid promptly, ; there will be no question as to his antecedents.” All Square “Well,” said Mabel, “personally, I don’t call it fair to go to the cinema regularly with a boy whom you frankly admit you don’t like very much.” “Oh, I don’t know,” Ethel replied, coolly. “It strikes me as being right enough. After all, I enjoy the films, and he enjoys my company!” Gratitude “My boy,” said the millionaire, lecturing his son the importance of economy, “when I was your age I carried water for a gang of bricklayers.” “I’m proud of you, father,” answered his offspring. “If it hadn’t been for your pluck and perseverence I might have had to do something of that sort myself.” Mixed A benevolent old gentleman liked to fill his house with young people and to see them enjoying themselves. One evening, during a dance, he walked through the conservatory and espied his young nephew in a shady corner with a very pretty girl. “Ah!” he said, "genially, “I see you’ve chosen a nice nosey little cook.” Business Two tailors who lived in the same street specialised in ready-made trousers at 15s per pair. One of them reduced his to 14s 6d. to be followed by his competitor. Again the first one brought his down to 14s. Presently they were both selling at 11s a pair. No. 1, not to be outdone, had a sign painted as follows:—“Trousers, made from the best quality cloth, etc., 5s 6d per leg, and all seats-free.” Rather An amateur dramatic society was giving a show, an affair with royalty in it. “Come,” said the. actor, who was playing the king, “let us go into the ’ouse.” There was a titter from the boxes. “He said ’ouse,” an occupant remarked. The actor, overhearing turned to the offender. “Yus, I said ’ouse—do you think a king would live in hapartments?” 1 Rough on Him Watched by his father, who seemed secretly amused, sixteen-year-old Bertie was having his first shave. 1 After much lathering he picked up his new patent razor and began to scrape. Finally, he rinsed the soap from his face and carewed his chin with his hand. “That’s better,” he murmured proud- 1 iy. His father handed the boy a blade. “You’ve forgotten to use this,” he 1 said smilingly. A Complete Secret A coloured preacher, calling oil a 1 white minister, found the latter writ- ’ ing. 1 “What you all doin’?” asked the 1 coloured parson. < “I am preparing my notes for next Sunday’s sermon.” ! “1 suttinly nevah would do that. 3 Don’t you know th’ devil is looking right ovah youh shouldah an’ knows ( everything yo’ gwine t’ say? Now, I * don’t make no notes, and when I gets up to talk, neithah me nor th’ devil himself knows what I’m going t’ say.” i No Go-Between j A Negro handed a clergyman a letter to the Lord asking Him to “Please a sen’ dis poor dawky £25 right away.” The clergyman felt sorry for the a Negro, and, calling together several of I his friends, he said: “This poor fellow has so much faith in the Lord that f he expects Him to send him £25 right a away. We shouldn’t let him be dis- f appointed. Let’s make a collection a for him.” The next day the Negro received a n letter containing £ls. He went lm- Is mediately to the clergyman and handed him another letter, which ran like © this: — y “Deah Lord, De next time you sen’ ji dis dawky money, don’t sen’ it through I no parson—sen’ it to me direct.” n

Worse and Worse U Now that they’ve invented a flying automobile, you'll never know whether e a woman driver is going to go right, left, or up. Economy I “And now, gentlemen,” said the t chairman after a lecture on economy, “I am going to ask you to give the speaker two hearty cheers.” Cause and Effect r Tommy (looking up at dad’s bald pate): Why do men get bald-headed, r daddy? Is it caused by hats? o Father: Yes, my boy—by their wives’ hats. A Short Cut Joan (aged six): I am going to marry :, a Dutchman when I grow up. Auntie: Why, my dear? Joan: Because I want to be a duchs ess. Bad Shots “Salubrious,” said the tourist, putting his head out of the train window. “Exhilarating!” said his companion. “Ye’re baith wrang,” remarked a ] fellow-traveller. “It’s Kilconquhar.” : His Birthright Wifey (talking about birthdays): We all have a birthstone, you know. Let’s look up yours. * Hubby: No need, to, darling, I know it. Mine’s a grindstone. Explained > Teacher (to class): Now, can anyone , tell me why the Romans built their i roads straight? Little Willie: Please, teacher, so that the Britons could not hide round the corners. The Benefit Young Smith: I have benefited greatly from your treatment, doctor. Doctor: Why—er—were you a patient of mine? Smith: Oh, no, but my uncle was. I was his heir. Can’t Blame the Dog Man (to neighbour): I wish you would sell that dog. Yesterday my daughter had to stop her singing because your dog was whining all the time. Neighbour: I’m sorry, but your daughter started it. Could Do It The ardent suitor was asking the young lady’s father for her hand in marriage. “You impudent young pup!” thundered the angry parent, “you dare to ask for my daughter. Do you imagine you could give her -what she’s been used to?” “Oh, yes, I think so, sir,” replied the young man. “I’ve a pretty violent temper myself.” Doubling Up Mr Strings, the music master, was putting his pupils through their pact- “ Jones minor,” he said, “what does it mean when you see the letter ‘f’ over a bar of music?” “Forte, sir,” quickly replied the youth. “Brown minor,” went on the music master, “what does it mean when you see ‘ff’?” Brown looked puzzled. Suddenly he triumphantly burst out: “Eighty, sir.” Wasted He was young and had been reading knightly romances, and grew dissatisfied with the present unromantic state of the world. He believed it his duty to inject some romance into the daily toil. On a rainy, muddy day he sallied forth to perform some knightly errand. He beheld a bewitching girl about to step from her car on to the dirty pavement. Hastening forward, he spread his coat under her dainty feet. She looked at him in surprise. “Well, of all the darned fools!” she exclaimed. Glean Bowled Out A cavalry officer owned a pair of old but excellently cut riding-breeches that his batman coveted and hoped to acquire. The officer, however, had other ideas. He turned them over to his man and ordered him to clean them thoroughly and so save him buying a new pair. The batman, with all the cunning of an old soldier, purposely made a very bad job of the cleaning, and when he returned them to the officer, the latter gazed at the breeches with displeasure. “H'm, Saunders,” he murmured, “I can’t say you’ve made a very good job of it. Did you try ammonia?” “Yes, sir,” said the batman, taken off his guard, “and they fit me a treat." Earning Them A clergyman, walking around his parish, met an old parishioner. “Well, John,” he said, “how is it I have not seen you at church lately?” “Hain’t got no Sunday trousers,” answered John, “Well,” said the clergyman. “I have a pair at home that will fit you. I’ll have them sent to you.” The trousers were sent and on the following three Sundays John was seen at church. Then, after being absent for some time, the clergyman met him again. “Well, John,” he said, “you have had no excuse for not coming to church lately.” “Look here, parson,” t%id John. “I come to church three Sundays, an’ if you don’t think I earned them trousers just tell me how many more Sundays I shall have to come before they’re mine.”