Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXVIII, Issue 19941, 27 October 1934, Page 21

Humour of the Week

Both Ways “I’m a liar.” “I don’t believe you.” What the World Needs ' What the world needs is more start- | ers and fewer pranks. They Lay the Longest i After years of research, scientists | have discovered that the kinds of hens j that lay the longest are dead hens. Not Particular Conductor: What street did you say you wanted? Drunk: What streets have you? Easy “I would like to write a novel.” | “Do you know how to write?” j “Oh, I shall use a typewriter.” Moving in Cycles i It’s much more dignified to say ; were moving in cycles rather than | running around in circles, although it J comes to about the same thing. It Was Obvious ! “Shall Igoto a mind-reader or a palmist? j “I should go to a palmist. It’s ob- | vious you have a palm.” She Wanted to Know Little Girl: Uncle Bob, you’re not ; married, are you? j Uncle: No Joan, I'm not. j Little Girl: Then who tells you what you shouldn’t do, Uncle. Hopeless Wife: Golf! It’s nothing but golf with you! I’m going home to mother. Husband: All right, dear. While you’re packing I’ll go out and practise on the lawn. Not Worried Fortune-Teller: Beware, madam! i There is a dark-eyed woman following your husband. Mrs Green: Oh, that’s all right. I am not worried. She’ll soon get tired of that. He has a regular milk round. The Sentence Passed Teacher: Parse this sentence —Tom j married Jane. Boy (near the end of the class): Tom’s a noun because it’s the name of a thing, married’s a conjunction because it joins Tom and. Jane, and j Jane’s a verb because she governs the noun. He Knew “That was a rotten seaside resort you recommended to me. It was expensive, and did me no good, yet you said it would make me brown and fit.” “True enough. You’re done brown during your stay, and the fit comes when you get your bill.” Very Popular I only see him once each week, Yet think he’s simply grand; What joy when I behold his face And reached his outstretched hand! He comes to me but once a week, Each visit seems more dear, Would I could greet him every day. Who? Why, our firm’s cashier. Not to be Expected There was a pathetic look in the eye of the cod’s head in the fish hawker’s hand as Mrs MacHaggerty haggled and haggled about the price. “No, mum,” said the merchant, “for the last time, I can’t take less than fourpence. It ain't to be expected, not with ’is bloomin’ eye on me an’ all!” Reasoned Teacher: Parse this sentence—“ Tom married Jane.” Boy (near the end of the class): Tom’s a noun because it’s the name of a thing, married’s a conjunction because it joins Tom and Jane, and Jane’s a verb because she governs the noun. In That Order Dick (looking up from his newspaper) : I say, Jim, what is the Order of the Bath? Jim: Well, as I have experienced it, it’s first the water’s too hot, then it’s too cold; then you’re short of a towel; then you step on the soap, and, finally, the telephone bell rings! Left the Mice In George: What on earth happened to Auntie last night, mater! I heard blood-curdling screams issuing from the spare room. Mater: Before she arrived, yesterday, I told Mary to put a patch on the mattress where the mice had eaten a hole in it.

George: I suppose the silly duffer left the needle in. Mater: No. She left the mice in.

They Were Bun In

“You’ll get run in,” said the pedestrian to the cyclist, “if you ride without a light.” “You’ll get run into,” responded the rider as he knocked the other down.

“You’ll get run in, too,” said the policeman as he stepped forward and seized the cyclist. Just then another scorcher came along without a light, so the policeman was run into, too, and had to run in two.

A Common Crime

A sweet young thing on a pleasure cruise went in search of the first officer. She found him.

“Oh, officer,” she said, eyeing him coyly, “could you show me the ship’s midget?”

The officer started. “Ship’s midget, miss?” he gasped. “We haven’t got such & thing.” “But, officer,” she said, “you must have. My brother in the Navy once said, that he had to punish a sailor ir.r sleeping in his watch. He said it was quite a common crime on ships.”

Third Caller Lighthouse Keeper’s Wife: Look here, I’m fed up answering the door. You're the third this month. Birth of Literature “I would like to write a novel.” “Do you know how to write?” "Oh, I shill use a typewriter.” Peace Afterwards ‘Do you like children?” “Yes, they make the house so calm and peaceful when they have gone to bed.” Reason Barrister: Don’t you think you are straining a point in your explanation? Witness: Perhaps I am, but you often have to strain things to make them clear. Dodging Smith: I lent Brown a large amount last week, and now I have to avoid him. Robinson: But why do that when you have lent him your money? Smith: He bought a car with it. The “Eyes” Have It “Did you know that when a man has prominent eyes it is a sign that he Is inquisitive?” “No. I suppose when a chap has black eyes it is a sign that he has been inquisitive.” Happy Thought “So Joe will make a fortune, you think?” “Yes, he sells cellophane masks to keep children's faces clean while their mothers are getting ready to take them visiting.” Apparently “One half of the world does not know how the other half lives!” declared the lecturer. "Splendid! That means that halt the people attend to their own business,” said a voice from a remote seat. Guaranteed “Ma boots were guaranteed fer four months,” said Mac to the bootmaker, “an I've only had ’em six weeks, an’ they, need easin’.” . . ; “But they seem to fit.” “Aye, they’re fine on me, "but tight fer ma brither on night shift.” Good Grade A youth had driven home at the close of the term. “Did yqu pass everything?” asked his mother anxiously. “Everything but two motor-cycles. They must have had aeroplane motors in them.” Vacation Hubby: At last I’ve got a week’s vacation. Wifey: That’s fine, Jack. Now you can weed the garden, mow the lawn, clean out the cellar, fix the roof, paint the kitchen, and do those other little jobs I have mentioned so often. Why Young Man (to her little brother): Johnnie, it may be cruel to tell you, but at the party last night your sister promised to become my wife. Will you forgive me for taking her away? Johnny: Forgive you? Why, that was what the party was for. Sorrow I stepped on her toe, so said “Sorry,” In a voice that was full of remorse. She smiled and said, “Don’t you worry. You just couldn’t help it, of course.” We struck up a friendship—Twas folly. We were married just ten years ago; And still I am saying “I’m sorry— Darned sorry I stepped on her toe!” A Long Walk An abses£-jtninded old man met a woman friend with her little one. “Dear me,” said he, “can the wee fellow walk already?” “He has” been walking for six months,” said the mother. “Then he must be tired out,” said the absent-minded one. Easily Settled Louise: I’m afraid we shall have to put our wedding off. You see, I’m in a situation, and this week I have had a rise in my salary and am now getting fifty shillings a week. I don’t want to lose that. Frank: Well, that’s easily settled. I'm only getting forty shillings a week. I'll give up my position, and you keep yours. Found Out Maud: It’s no use denying it, Dora. It was too dark for me to see who it was, but I distinctly saw some man kiss you In the garden. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Dora: I don’t see why. I’ve often seen George kiss you. Maud (engaged to George) : Yes. but I allow nobody but George to kiss me. Dora: Well, it was nobody but George who kissed me! Easily Alarmed They had ben sitting together for some time when the girl’s father entered and inquired: “Young man, do you know what time it is?”

The timid youth leapt to his feet, and, stammering "Y —yes!” hurried out into the night. The girl’s father stood bewildered.

“That's a queer fellow,” he remarked. “Why did he rush off like that? I merely wanted to get the time from him.”

His Keply

Stationed in the Far East, Private Jones was sent on a delicate mission to the leader of an Arab tribe. He failed to return, and his officer went forth to find him. He found him, tightly bound but unhurt, and demanded an explanation.

“Weil, sir," said Joii-r-, “ye asked me ter humour the bloke, an' I din. That there Arab comes up ter me. an' ha says, ‘Oh, name oi a dog!' I answers Fido —an' this is wot be does ter me.”