Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXVII, Issue 19523, 24 June 1933, Page 15

Humour of the Week

Experienced. Counsel (at the end of a long cross- | examination) I hope, madame, I have I not troubled you with all the ques-! tions? “Not at all,” replied the lady, politely. “I have a son aged six at home.” She Understood. Mistress (explaining routine to new cook): Now, my husband always goes to his club on Wednesday evenings. Cook: I understand, ma'am; so he won’t want no breakfast on Thursdays. Helping Out. Box-office man: The best seat I can give you is one in the fourth row. Patron: No; I must have one in the first row. Box-office man: All right; go get a fiddle, and I’ll put you in the orchestra. Wasted. There were strange doings at the office of Messrs Solomon and Cohen. For three days the partners had been poring over the baaks and feverishly adding up columns of figures. Then, at the end of the audit, a wail of despair escaped the lips of Mr. Solomon. “Ach, Cohen,” he cried, “vot a vaste! Ve have given the bookkeeper a veek’s holiday—and his books was right after all!”

A Bright Outlook. “Darling,” said the lovesick swain. “You reign alone in my heart.” "Oh, sweetest!” she sighed happily. “You are the sunshine of my life,” he continued, warming up to his task. She fell into his caressing arms. “Harold!” she sighed again. “With you always near me I could brave any storm,” he murmured. She looked up into his eyes. “Half a minute,” she said. “What is this—a proposal or a weather report?” No Enthusiasm. “I think this scenery is just too beautiful!” “Um, I don’t know. Take away the mountains and the lake, and it’s Just like anywhere else.” Poor Girl! "You look pretty miserable. Why?” "Oh—l just asked Elsa to marry me, and she refused.” “Well—cheer up; there are plenty of other girls, surely? No need to feel so sorry for yourself.”. “For myself. Hang it all—l’m not worrying about myself. It’s Elsa I’m sorry for!” Helpful. They were hurrying to a theatre. Henpecked had been told to fetch the car from the garage. After waiting some time on the front doorstep, she decided to go and S“e what was delaying him. “What’s wrong, dear?” she asked. “I can’t get this confounded selfstarter to work,” he breathlessly replied. "I think there must be a short circuit or something.” “Oh. she exclaimed, “how annoying! Can’t you lengthen it?” Just What He Wanted. “How do you like that second-hand car you bought some months ago?” Briggs asked his neighbour. “Still giving statisfaction?” The car-owner shook his head. “I don’t like it at all,” he replied. “It makes so much noise I can't hear anything my wife says.” Briggs looked thoughtful. “How much will you sell it to me for?” he asked.

On Second Thoughts. A neighbour called on the Meetons. After a short talk, he rose from his chair. “Well, well,”’ he said, “I suppose I must be going. I’m on my way to the club.” Meekton rose too. "I think I’ll go, too——” he said. “What!” put In Mrs. Meekton, gaxing at her husband out of the comers of her eyes. “Bed!” finished Meekton miserably. Run! ' The Incoming batsman was very Impatient, and persisted In calling his partner for impossible runs. He was repeatedly sent back to his crease by the level-headed player. When the new man did get the bowling he was out first ball for a “duck."

Slowly and sadly he trailed off to the pavilion when the inevitable wag shouted: “Now’s the time to run, laddie!” . Very Generous. Mrs. Green was putting in a good word for her husband at the Christmas party. “He is very generous, you know,” she said. “Well, I can’t say mine is very generous,” put in her companion. “Here’s an instance,” went on Mrs. Green. “I gave him a large box of cigars for a Christmas present, and, do you know, he only smoked one of them, and gave the rest away to his friends.” Vacation Time. Little bank roll, ere we part, Let me hug you to my heart; All the year I’ve clung to you. I’ve been faithful, you’ve bee ntrue; Little bank roll, in a day You and I will start away To a gay and festive spot; I’ll come back, but you will not. The Possibility.

Mrs. Brown: I never worry about my husband paying attention to other women—he’s crazy about me. Mrs. Jones: That may be so, my dear; but he may have sane intervals. His Trouble. “My advice to you, colonel, is to go through all the movements of driving without using the ball,” said the golf instructor. "My dear fellow,” answered the colonel, “that’s precisely the trouble I’m wanting to overcome!” Good One Side. Aby: You’re a fine tailor, Cohen. Why the first time I wore this coat of yours it split down the back. Cohen (with true business instinct): Veil, doesn’t that go to show you how veil our buttons are sewn on? The Absentee. Walter was going to have a birthday party, and his mother insisted on his inviting, among others, a neighbour’s boy with whom he had quarrelled. He finally promised he would do so, but on the day of the party the neighbour's boy failed to turn up. Walter’s mother became suspicious. “Did you invite Charlie?” she asked. “Of course I did, mother; I not only invited him to come; I dared him to.” How Fortunate. The Fairy: Oh, what luck —your step suits mine exactly! The Fool: I’m awfully glad, y’know. I’m such a rotten dancer. Exactly. She: Funny, no one seemed to realise what a “bad egg” Jones was while he was rich. He: My dear, a “bad egg” is only known when it’s “broke.” Unexpected. Judge: Speeding, eh? How many times have you been In front of me? Prisoner: Never, your Worship. I’ve tried many a time, but my car won’t touch sixty. Enlightenment. “Taxi, sir?” “Much obliged. I was just wondering what is was.” Free “My mother-in-law has had her face lifted,” said Brown. “I’ll bet that was expensive,” rejoined his friend. “Oh, not at all,” answered Brown, with a grin. “She was looking down the shaft of a service-lift just as the lift came up.” Inconsistent. First Critic: “What’s wrong with that sporano?” Second Critic: “She doesn’t practise what she screeches.” Her “Appearance.” Yank: “And when is Doris going to make her appearance, Betty?" Betty: “She’s upstairs making it now.” His Proper Sphere. First Shopwalker: “Poor old Perkins has completely lost his hearing. I’m afraid he’ll lose his Job.” Second Shopwalker: “Nonsense. He's to be transferred to the Complaint Department." Safe. Father: "Fancy a big boy like you being afraid to sleep In the dark.” Five-Year-Old: “It's all very well tor you; you've got mother to look after you.” Evidence. In somp respects the idea of taking finger-prints of children seems to be a good one At least it will settle the question as to who used the guest