Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXIV, Issue 18849, 11 April 1931, Page 11

Humour of the Week

Misunderstood. “Did that young man talk business last night, Ethel?” “Yes, mother; and he said it was very bad.” All in Good Time. He: “But, darling, don’t you want to marry a man who is economical?” She: “I suppose so; but it’s not much fun being engaged to one.—“llkeston Pioneer.” "’S’ Which. First reveller (pointing skyward): “ ’S’ moon!” Second reveller (emphatically): “ ’S’ arc lamp.” Third reveller (dubiously): " ’S’ which?” Quite Simple. George: “Gambling’s too risky; you should give it up. One gains one day and loses the next.” Georgina: “Well then, it’s easy. Play every other day.”—“Ottawa Citizen.” She Would Hear. Mistress: You asked for a reference, so here it is. You will see I have described you as lazy, untidy, dishonest, and good-for-nothing, so don’t let me hear from you again.” Maid: You won’t, madam. You’ll hear from my solicitors. Survivors. Both Hubert and Ronald proposed to me yesterday.” “And I suppose you refused them both.” “Yes, but how did you know?” “I saw them shaking hands over something in the street this morning.” —“Montreal Star.” Realism. Stage manager: “You handle large sums of money in this play—a million more in every act.” “I see,” said the leading man. “And you must handle it as if you were used to it.” “All right! Could yet let me have a pound’s worth of silver to rehearse with?”—“Merthyr Express.” Not Any of Them. The teacher was trying to give her pupils an illustration of the meaning of the word “perseverance.” “What is it,” she asked, “that carries a man along rough roads and smooth roads, up hills and down, through jungles and swamps, and raging torrents?” There was a silence, and then Tommy, whose father was a motor dealer, spoke up: “Please, miss,” he said, “there ain’t such a car.” A Special Occasion. The wandering knight of the road, with true professional manner, had called the woman of the house to the door. With a whine in his voice he pleaded: “Please give a poor man a piece of cake and a glass of wine.” The woman looked him up and down with rising wrath. “Cake and wine? It seems that you are a rather particular kind of tramp!” she snapped. “As a rule I am easy to please,” replied the other. “But to-day is my birthday, and I would like to celebrate a little.” Clarence's Lazy Parent. Little Clarence was of an inquring turn of mind, and was always seeking knowledge, but usually his fond mother managed to answer his questions. The other day he asked: “Why does daddie go to town every day, mother?” “He goes to work,” his mother explained, “so that we can have good dinners.” A day or two later, as Clarence took his place at the dinner table, he surveyed the things on their dishes with a disparaging glance. Suddenly he turned a suspicious eye on his father. “You didn’t do much today, did you?” he remarked with a sniff.

Quite Likely. I think marriages are really made in heaven, don’t you?” “Well, if all men took as long to propose as you, most of them would have to be.” A Careful Worker. She: I read that Dickens sometimes wefrked for two weeks on one line. He: That’s nothing. My uncle worked 20 years on one sentence. Politeness. “How are you getting on at school, Jack?” “Oh, fine, dad. I learnt to say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ in French.” “Well, that's more than you’ve ever learnt in English.” Add Sardines. Teacher: Now, Margie, how many bones have you in your body? Margie: Nine hundred. Teacher: That’s a great many more than I have. Margie: But, teacher, I had sardines for lunch. Sometimes. The prisoner was on trial on a charge of burglary. He protested his innocence and pleaded an alibi. “Do you know what an alibi is?” asked the Judge. “Yes, m’lord,” replied the prisoner. "An alibi is proving that you were in one place when you were in another.” Certainly Not. “Does yo’ take this women for thy lawfully wedded wife?” asked the coloured parson, glancing at the diminutive, watery-eyed, bow-legged bridegroom, who stood beside two hundred and ten pounds of feminine assurance. "Ah takes nothin’,” responded the bridegroom, gloomily. “Ah’s being tooked.” No News to Norman. Norman ran blithely up the steps and gave the bell a joyful tug. The door was opened by the new maid, who had never seen the young man before. “Is Miss Edith In?” asked the welltailored youffi on the steps. “Yes, sir,” replied the glrL "But I’m sorry, she’s engaged.” “That’s right,” agreed Norman. “Absolutely right; and I’m what she> engaged to.'*' Told the Truth. The music swelled louder and louder, the pianist seemed to work himself into a frenzy, and then it suddenly dwindled to nothing. “You were quite right about your piano playing, young man,” said the hostess, approaching from the other side of the room. “I am glad you’re enjoying It,” returned the youthful Paderewski. “Yes,” continued the hostess. “You said you’d rattle a few things off on the piano, and two vases have already disappeared. Economy. Little Willie had been taken to the local kinema by his dad, and together they set enjoying the film. Presently the little boy began to get rather restless—especially when an attendant passed by with a tray of sweets! “Say, dad,” ventured the boy, “can’t I have some toffee to eat?” “My boy,” said his dad. “The next film will be a sad one. Don’t buy toffee —the film will bring a lump to your throat.” Too Manyof Them. A bricklayer applied for work on a large building job. The foreman asked: “Are you fairly handy?” The man replied: “Yes, sir. I can do anything with a trowel.” The TSTeman picked up a trowel and started twirling it round in his fingers. “Can you do this?” he said. “I can,” said the man, and started to do the same. “Ah.” said the foreman: “I'm afraid I can’t start you. I have too many of your sort already.” Right Enough. Some little time ago a foreman, walking round inspecting some work, came across Bill, the labourer, who. after having done his job several times, appeared to be finished. ••Have you got it right now, Bill?" inquired the foreman. “Yes, it’s near enough,’’ said Bill. “But,” said the foreman, “near enough won’t do; I want it right.” •“Well, it’s right,” growled Bill. “Oh. well, that's near enough," said the foreman. Well on the Way. Terence O’Rourke, an Irishman, who had emigrated to the Wild West, had walked seven miles through the mountains to call on his lady fair. For a time they sat silent on a bench outside her log cabin, but presently the golden moon rose up behind the pine trees, and the man decided the the decisive moment was at hand. So Terence huddled closer. “Mary, girl,” he began, “ye know I got a clearin' over there and a team an’ wagon an’ some hay an' cows, an’ I calc'late on buildin’ a house and ” Here he was interrupted by Mary’s mother. “Mary, me darling,” she cried, “is that spalpeen there yet?” “Not quite, mother,” answered the girl, "but he’s getting there.”