Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 18635, 2 August 1930, Page 10

Humour of the Week

The Milkman’s Horse. The village milkman bought a horse' for the morning round. It was not exactly a thoroughbred creature, but it had four legs. One day he took his bargain to the blacksmith to have him shod. When this worthy came out he regarded the weary-looking animal critically, paying particular attention to his lean body and spindly legs. “You ought to have a horse there some day,” he said at length to the milkman; “I see you’ve got the scaffolding up!” A Few Words. After watching the young lady driver ahead wave her hands in three or four different directions at one on the intersection, the driver behind decided she was going to turn to the right and crashed into her as she changed I her mind. He got out to do a little interviewing. “Well, all I can say,” said the miss, “is that I’m sorry.” “Is that all you can say?’ “Why, yes.” “Well, then,” said the young man, clearing his throat, “listen to me!!!!” The Way To Do It. “And how much would you say this colt was worth?” asked the railroad claim agent of the farmer. “Not a cent less than £100!” emphatically declared that sturdy son of the soil. “Pedigree stock, I suppose?” “Well, no,” the bereaved admitted reluctantly. “But you could never judge a colt like that by its parents.” “No,” the attorney agreed dryly, “I’ve often noticed how crossing it with a locomotive will improve a breed!” Music Hath Charms. A patient who had complained of : digestive troubles was told by a I specialist that he was drinking too • much, and would have to knock it off. | “Well,” said the patient, “what am I to tell my wife?” The doctor thought for a few moments and then said: “Tell her you are suffering from syncopation. That will satisfy her.” The patient did as he was told. “What is syncopation?” asked his wife. “I don’t know,” said the husbapd, “but that’s what he said.” When her husband had gone out the wife ! looked up the word in the dictionary, ! and found it meant “Irregular move- ! ment from bar to bar.” What’s a Man To Do? If you send the girl of your dreams a letter, it’s too long. If you *end her a postcard, it’s too short and to conspicuous. If your letter is sentimental, you’re too bold; if it isn’t, she gets angry and jilts you. If you ring her up too often, you’re a pest; if you don’t ring her up often enough, the affair is over. If you talk j too long, she is bored; if you don’t talk long enough, she is offended. If you send her flowers every day, you’re a spendrift; if you don’t send her enough flowers, you’re mean. If you try to kiss her. you’re insulting; if you don’t you’re neglectful. If you try to be nice to her. she thinks you're too sauve; if you don’t, she thinks you’re too crude. If you act naturally, she doesn’t like it; if you don’t, then you’re affected. Heaven help the stronger sex in an affair like this! What Would He Have To Do. The teacher was trying to explain the term “booking” as applied to the railway system. “Now,” he was saying, “can any of you tell me the name of the office at which railway tickets are sold?” “The booking office,” replied one of the lads. “Right,” responded the teacher. At this moment his eye fell on a small boy at the end of the class, who was evidently paying very little attention to what he said. “Did you hear that. Spry?” he demanded. “Wot, sir?” asked the youth innocently. “As I thought—you were not listening. We will suppose your father deided to have a day’s holiday and take a trip to London. What would he have to do before he could take his seat in the train?” Without a moment’s thought, the youngster electrified his teacher by replying: “Pawn his tools!”

Charity. A clergyman taking a railway journey in the carriage got into conversation with a somewhat rought character. Some remarks of the cleric happened to enrage the rough, who burst out with: “Look here, mister; I would like to give you a punch on the nose!” “My friend,” said the clergyman, “charity begins at home; never give away what you want yourself.” Hard Wear. The family man marched into the shop at the head of his four sons, and the tailor came forward. “Yes, sir,” he said, “what can I do for you?” “I want suits for these lads.” “Yes, sir, and would you like any particular material?” “I would,” said the visitor, despairingly, “sheet iron—got any?” Cash. Patient: “Doctor, I’m afraid I'm losing my memory.” Doctor: “In that case you’ll have to pay me cash for this visit.” Quite Enthusiastic About It. Dad: I greatly disapprove of young Smithson, and one particularl reason Is his lack of interest in his calling. Daughter: His calling! Why, daddy, he calls on me seven evenings a week. He Wouldn’t Do It. A Dublin doctor has just been visiting a patient, and as the man’s wife was shovfthg him out, he said to her: "Your husband’s not so well to-day, Mrs Maloneyy. Is he keeping to the light diet is precribed?” “Well, indeed he is not, doctor?" came the reply, “for he says that he wouldn’t be starvin’ himself to death for the sake of livin’ a few years longer. A Tale of Cats. “My sister’s passion for cats,” he said, “is really deplorable. Last time I saw her she had a craze for the Manx variety, and the house was swarming with the creatures!” “Really, Mr Tomkins,” interrupted a listener, “aren’t you exaggerating?” “No, I’m not. I tell you I couldn’t take a step without falling over a Manx cat. There seemed to be no end to them.” And he wondered why everybody laughed. No Compliment. Smith was making an exhibition of himself at golf. His caddie was an unusually quiet, stolid lad, with an expressionless face. Never once did the boy show any surprise at the play, and Smith took a fancy to him. At the end of the round in the hope of getting a compliment, he said—“l have been travelling for the last six months. I’m quite out of practice. That is why I’m in such bad form today.” “Oh,” said the caddie, “then you have played before, sir?” Remembered Lesson. A young man asked an old actor to have a drink. As soon as it was served it was gone. “I say,” said the I host, “that was quick work. Have | another?” “I will, laddie,” said the old actor. | The drink came, and went in the same I rapid fashion. The young man was fascinated and kept ordering drinks and watching them vanish like lightning. “You’ll pardon me, I know,” he said at length, “but would you mind telling ! me why you consume each drink so j rapidly?” “Laddie,” said the old man with feeling, “I had one knocked over in ’96." Holding Their Own. Pat and Terry were walking in their native country, and asked how far it was to Ballymoney. “Sure, and it’s a distance of about four miles,” was the reply. After walking another five miles or so, they asked again. “Well,” replied the native, “I 6hould say it I would be a matter of about four miles.” After trudging some more weary miles, they asked a man working on the roadside how far he thought they had still to go. The man scratched his head, and after some thought replied, “I’m thinking that if you kape on for another four miles, sor, you’ll come to Ballymoney.” At this one of the travellers said to his friend, “Well, Terry, thank God we seem to be holdin’ our own!” Lord Montagu’s Passenger. The late Lord Montagu of Beaulieu, whose interest in motoring was of such notable service in developing what is now a great industry, was on one occasion driving the late King Edward down to Beaulieu Abbey in his car, when he was held up on the toll-bridge at Lymington. The tollman, who was a well-known character, refused to let the car pass until he had dealt with the traffic going in the opposite direction, which consisted of a governess-cart drawn by a donkey. In vain did Lord Montagu appeal to him on the ground that he was in a hurry. The old man told him plainly that a motorist had lately run past without paying, and that it was not going to happen again if he knew it. “But this is His Majesty the King,” urged Lord Montagu. “Ah!” said the old fellow. “I know that sort o’ king.’’ And so King Edward, greatly amused at the tollman’s unbelief, had to wait until the donkey cart had been disposed of before he was allowed to proi ceed.