Humour Of The Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 18599, 21 June 1930, Page 11 (Supplement)

Humour Of The Week

Hush. Hairdresser: “What shade will madame have ze hair dyed zis time?” She (in a whisper): “Keep it dark.” His Complaint. Governor: “What complaints have you to make about this prison?” Tramp: “There ain’t enough exits, sir.” Caution. Jim: “Let’s toss who pays for lunch?” Jack: “Righto! Where are we lunching?” Jim: “Er —well—let’s toss up first!” Fulfilment. “What did the gipsy prophesy for you?” “A great loss.” “Has it come true?” “Yes, as soon as she had gone I missed my watch and my money.” Graduation. Rather large lady of house (to diminutive plumber who has just fitted a new geyser): “How many pennies shall I have to put in to get a nice hot bath?” Diminutive Plumber: “Well, lady, speakin’ for meyself, T can get nicely covered for tuppence, but I expec’s you’ll find it a bit. The Test of Sex. Jackson and his wife were doing a little fly-hunting about the house. “How many have you caught?” she asked after a while. “Six,” replied her husband. “Three males and three females.” “How absurd!” his wife sniffed. “How could you tell if they were males or females?” “Easy, my dear,” he retorted. “Three were on the sugar and three were on the mirror.” The Last Chance. ~ He had proposed, and the girl had rejected him. “Ah, well,” he sighed dejectedly. “I suppose I’ll never marry now.” The girl couldn’t help laughing a little, she was so flattered. “You silly boy!” she said. Because I’ve turned you down that doesn’t mean that other girls will do the same.” “Of course it does,” he returned, with a faint smile. “If you won't have me, who will?” Saving His Bacon. He had joined a golf club, and on his first round he hit the ball a mighty swipe which by some miracle landed it in the hole in one. At the second tee came another miracle. Again he did the hole in one, and as the ball disappeared into the hole he turned round white and tiembling. ‘“Gosh!” he breathed. “I thought I’d missed it that time.” Hardly Worth It. Little Helen, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was necessary for the child’s cure and that she must go to the hospital. Her mother promised that if she were very brave she would have the very finest kitten to be found. As Helen was recovering from the influence of the anaesthetic the nurse heard her muttering:— “It’s a rotten way to get a kitten.** Trouble for the Choir. The village choir boys had decided to form a cricket team, and appointed their junior member honorary secretary. In due course the youngster appealed to the curate for support. This is how his letter ended: “And we should be very pleased, sir, if you would allow us the use of the bats which the choir men say you have in the belfry.” Suicidal. A dear old lady had attended a health lecture, and stayed behind to ask the lecturer a question. “Did I undestand you to say,” she asked, that deep-breathing kills microbes?”

“I certainly did say that many microbes are killed by deep breathing,” replied the lecturer. “Then can you tell me, please” she asked, “how one can teach the microbes to breathe deeply.”

Precautions. Pat: *Tve got a letter here, but I’ve forgotten my glasses. Will you read it for me?” Mike: “Sure, but suppose it’s private?” Pat: “Then put your fingers in your ears.” No Golf on Sunday. The minister called at the Jones home one Sunday afternoon, and little Willie answered the bell. “Pa ain’t home,” he announced. “He went over to the golf club.’* The minister’s brow darkened, and Willie hastened to explain: : “Oh, he ain’t gonna play any golf. Not on Sunday. He just went over for a few drinks and a game of poker.” The Eloquence of Silence. They were talking of old times. “And do you remember the moonlight night, six years ago, when I proposed'\o you dear?” he said romantically. “Darling, will I ever forget? Those were heavenly days.” “We sat there for over an hour,” he went on, “and during that time your lips never once parted.” “Yes, this is so, dear,” she sighed. “And that was the happiest day of wy whole life,” he finished. A Fixture. Smith obtained a jqb as packer in a china warehouse. On the third day he smashed a big vase. On pay day he was called into the manager’s office and was told that half his wages would be deducted each week until the vase was paid for. “How much was the vase worth?" he asked, anxiously. “About £10,” replied the manager. “Hurray!” shouted Smith. The managed stared. “Well,” said Smith, “it looks as if I’ve got a steady job at last.” Veteran Decoy. A minister, substituting for a friend in a remote country parish, was greatly surprised on observing the old verger, who had been collecting the offertory, quietly abstract a shilling before presenting the plate at the altar rail. After service he called the old man into the vestry and told him with some emotion that his crime has been discovered. The old verger looked puzzled for a moment Then a sudden light dawned on him. “Why, sir, you don't mean that shilling of mine? I’ve led off with that for the last fifteen years!” Justifiable Dejection. Noticing that Pat was looking rather downhearted, I asked what ailed him. He replied: “La6t night I dr&med a drame that I was talking to Jock. “ ‘Will ye have a drink of whisky, Pat me bohy?” he asked. I said I would. “ ‘Will ye be having it hot or cold?** I said I would be having It hot. “So he went to the kitchen for the hot water. While he was away I woke up. “Now it be troubling me that I didn’t have it cold.” The Angler’s Pride. An ardent angler one day had an hours’ tussle* With a huge salmon before he was able to land it. When at length he had made sure of his catch, he took it home in ecstasy, and related his triumph to his maiden aunt. Like other fishermen, he made as much of the story as possible, and laid special stress on the time it took and the immense energy he had to expend before he could secure the salmon. When he had finished the story he waited anxiously for the praise due to his cleverness. For some moments there was silence, and then, with a puzzled expression, his aunt looked up from her knitting. “But, my dear Arthur,” she said, "why did you not cut the string and get rid of the I brute?” Telephone Tragedy. I “Hello.” “This is Mrs Jones. Will you send j up some nice cutlets right away?” “I’m sorry, Mrs Jones, but we have not any cutlets.” “Oh! Well send me a couple of nice lean pork chops.” “We haven’t any pork chops, either, Mrs Jones.” “Oh, how provoking! Then a small sirloin steak will have to do.” “We haven’t any steak.” “For heaven’s sake! Isn’t this Smith “For heaven’s sake! Isn’t this Smith, the butcher?” “No, this is Smith, the florist.” “Oh! Well, send me a dozen white carnations. My husband must have starved to death by now.” Seeing Justice Done. A woman was in the witness-box in a case being tried by Mr Justice Dunne, and to every question put by the barrister cross-examining her 6he retorted with a query of her own, “Who—me?” “Where were you at nine o’clock on tl\e night of , etc?” the barrister would ask, and she would retort, “Who —me?” “Did you actually see defendant do so-and-so?” “Who —me?” This went on for quite a while, and eventually led to considerable wrangling. Finally the witness announced that she was tired of the w’hole matter, and declared angrily, “I didn’t come here to answer a lot of foolish questions. I came here to fee justice done.” Mr Justice Dunne lifted’ his eyebrows in mock incredulity. “Who—me?” he asked.