Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 18518, 15 March 1930, Page 14 (Supplement)

Humour of the Week

Ignorance. “What are the three words most used by boys and girls in school?" asked the father of his son. “I don’t know.” was the reply. “That’s it," said the father, | “you’ve guessed it first time." Life’s Inequalities. Father—How is it you have not done ' your school home work? Bon —I have decided not to do any more. It is not fair. We children do ; the work, and the teacher gets paid ! for it. | Just One More. I The tramp had just done an odd job. and on being asked what he would like 1 asked for a drop of whisky. The kindly employer handed him his drink with the words, “That's another | nail in your coffin, my man.” “Well, guv’ncr,” replied the tramp. 1 “while you’ve got the ’ammer on yer. ! you might drive in another.” The Appetiser. i The hotel was very large, very expensive, and not too satisfactory, as Wilkins and his wife soon found out when they went to stay there. No sooner hod they sat down to dinj ner on their first evening than Wilkins i gave a snort of disgust and held up the | plate which the waiter had just placed I before him. | “This plate is damp!” he exclaimed. , “I’m not going to stand it! I’ll ” | His wife leant over and patted his ! arm. i “Be quiet, dear,” she whispered. “That’s your soup.” His Dearest Possession. He was interviewing his future father-in-law. “Young man.” said the proud parent, "remember that in giving you my daughter I have entrusted you with the dearest possession of my life —I treasj ure that girl.” | “Of course," agreed the young man, ! very much impressed. | Later, when he rose to go. he noticed that it w'as raining. i “Oh. daddy will lend you his umbrella,” said the girl, and made for the i hall stand. Her father stopped her. “Pardon me.” he said, “but I wouldn’t trust anybody on earth with my um--1 brella.” Nothing Serious. The members of a football team were j seated in a train on their w ? ay to an away match. Ten of them were reading, when suddenly the eleventh broke out into deep and blood-curdling groans. The rest of the team glanced at him anxiously, and then one forced a flask of brandy between his teeth. "How do you feel now?” he said. "Fine,” said the invalid. “What’s the matter, anyhow?” “Matter? Why, nothing!" “Then why were you groaning?" asked the owner of the brandy. “Groaning? I wasn't groaning; I was singing!” A Matter of Profit. An Englishman on holiday in a small Scottish village was filling in a wet afternoon by chatting to the local storekeeper. It transpired that the visitor was connected with one of the big London stores, and the local man shewed considerable interest in the fact. “So ye're in wan o’ thae big Lunnon shops?” he inquired. “Yes,” was the reply. “Ye'll pardon me asking,” said the shopkeeper after a pause, “but what kin’ o’ profits can ye make doon there?” “Oh,” the visitor replied, “pretty reasonable. On some articles 10 per cent., on others 20 per cent., and on others 25 per cent.” "Twenty-five per cent.? Man, it's awful!” exclaimed the Scot. “Why t don't you get that here?” “Na,” was the reply, "I can get nae: mail- than 1 per cent. Wi' me, it’s a case o' getting a thing for a shillin’ and gettin’ only two when.ah pairt wi’ it.”

The Catch About It. He had just moved into Mrs. Gobbet t’s most respectable boarding-hqpse. “What’s the food like here?” he asked the oldest inhabitant. “Well, you get chicken every morning,” the other informed him. “Chicken every morning!” he exclaimed. hardly able to believe his ears. “I say. that’s fine! How is it served?” “In the shell”, was the oldest board- ! er's gloomy answer. Quite Unthinkable. The burglar’s bride was troubled. “Archibald,” she said, “I wish you’d be a little quieter when you come in at nights.” Archibald looked humbled. “I’m very sorry, dear,” he replied. “Did I wake you up last night?” She shook her head. “No; but you woke up mother, and I don’t want her running up to the prison and complaining to father than I married an ama- ; teur.” He Wished To Know. It was quite a magnificent riverside cottage which Levi, the successful busi--1 ness man, had built for himself, alhough it lay rather near the bank. “Yes, I’ve insured it against fire and burglary for £3000,” he told Isaacs ,a , city friend, as they made a tour of inspection. “And vot about floods?” asked Isaacs. “You're very near the river, you know.” Levi looked thoughtful. Then he asked: “How do you make a flood?” His Definition. The wail of the bagpipes rose all of a sudden above the roar of the traffic in the street. Tnen a Scotsman in kilts appeared round the comer with cheeks inflated. The people of the town were accustomed to seeing and hearing McPherson on this pitch of his. The kinderdearted ones threw him pennies and massed on. But little Eustace had :ever encountered bagpipes before. “Nursie!” he shouted, as soon as ho :aw McPherson. “Oh, Nursie! Look! There's a man with a dead pig that .ings!” The Optomist. “Robinson seems to be rather an opmist.” remarked Wallis. His brother aughed. "Optimist! I should think he is! Vhy, he’s just gone in for a competiion with a motor-car as first prize, md he's already started building a arage. Is that what you’ve heard?” Wallis shook his head. "No," he replied. “I didn’t know bout that. But I’ve just been talkng to hi's wife, and she tells me that re went into a restaurant last night md ordered an oyster supper, although bill. You see, he reckoned on settling he hadn't got enough money to pay the ,t with the pearls he got out of the oysters.” Payment in Advance. “Ow!” The shriek of pain echoed through the house. Soon it was followed by another and then another.

The man on the doorstep turned •pale. It seemed as though he had chosen the wrong time to call on his friend Watson. Was someone being murdered within? Or had Watson just received his income-tax demand? Plucking up his courage at last, he knocked. A moment later Watson opened the door. “I’m sorry to have kept you waiting,” he said. “I’m afraid it was necessary for me to chastise little Arnold.” “Really?” exclaimed the visitor. “What’s Arnold been doing?” “Oh, nothing yet,” was the fond parent’s reply. “But he gets his half-term school report to-morrow and I’m going away to-night.” Awaiting Their Turn. Old Giles and his wife were in a large town for the first time in their lives. After a lot of trouble the two dear old things had boarded a tram which went to the address which their con, who lived in town, had given them. Five minutes passed. Then the tram came to a stop. "James Street!” called the conductor. One man got up and went out. A few minutes later the tram stopped again. “Victoria Terrace,” announced the conductor. This time a lady stepped out. Mrs. Giles leant over toward her husbband. “Isn’t it time for us to leave?” she asked. Giles shook his head. “Don’t show your ignorance, woman,” he whispered. "We’ve got to wait here until that gentleman calls our names.” A Crushed Hat. “Look pleasant,” said the photographer. The sitter raised his eyes and gave a sickening smirk. “You head just a little more to the left, please,” suggested the voice from the black shroud. “No, don’t move your eyes.” The sitter tilted his head gingerly till it reached the desired angle. “That’s very nice indeed.” said the photographer. He removed the cap and counted out a minute and three-quarters. "Thank you,” he observed. "You can get up. I’m afraid you've been sitting on your hat.” “My hat!” roared the sitter, regarding his flattened bowler. “Why didn’t j r ou tell me I was sitting on my hat?” “My dear sir,” protested the photographer. “that would have spoiled your expression!"