Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXIII, Issue 17690, 2 July 1927, Page 11

Humour of the Week

A man seldom speaks lightly if he stops to weigh his words. ,

About all that comes to him who waits is a request to move on.

Skirt, once a common noun, has become a mere abbreviation.

“I lost my biggest creditor today.” “How?” “I paid him.”

A bachelor these days is a man who hugs a lot of delusions but never marries one.

One way for a millionaire to die poor is to start a safety frazor factory in Russia.

He: I don’t think much of this new dance. ' She: .1 can’t do it either.

Wife: If you ever got tired of me I’d take poison! Husband: That’s handy to‘ know.

The only advantage in hunting for a gas leak with a match is that you are sure to find it.

“So you want your Bon to be a commercial traveller?” “Yes; ; ;he knows no end of funny stories. ”. 7 ■

Missionary: What became of the man who was here before me?; - Cannibal Chief: I got fed up with him.

A golf course near London is to be cu£ up by building contractors. Hitherto this work has been done by the players.

"How’d he come to make His money?” “Bought an abandoned smoke, stack and turned it into flats.”

First Footpad: What’s that nice smell? • Second do.: I suppose it’s, the bay rum on my waddy.

“Your husband doesn’t go out so much of a night now, Mrs Murphy!” “No, he getting that deaf he can’t hear the burglar alarms.”

Mistress: What is the matter, Mary? Maid: Your husband and Thave had a tiff. ' -

Police Inspector: Any suicides yesterday? Constable: Three hung themselves on telephone cords. ,

Interior Decorator: ‘'What colour is your daughter’s room now?” Mrs Hicks: “Oh, it’s always blue with smoke.”

Reporter "You certainly have had a most interesting life. Now, what do you remember as the happiest memory?” ' *

Centenarian: “It bain’t come yet.”

Joan: “But, George, dear,' Why must we part forever?" George (a member of the Seamen’s Union) : “Alas, sweetheart, yer mother’s maiden name—sniff — sniff was Black.”

Doctor (to sick sword swallower): “I’m afraid you’re a very sick man. You’ll have to go on a light diet — just a couple of fish kniyes a day and an occasional carving knife.

Farmer Giles (having fixed up his two-valve wireless set): “Well, , I can ’ear all right, but I’ll be ’anged if I can see to read by this ’erg light on it.

A scientist says he has discovered how to let sunlight into food. The fellows who make the sandwiches for the tea rooms beat him to it long ago. • -

A scientist hopes’ to make roses bloom artificially in an hour. The flapper can already beat' that by at least fifty-nine minutes.

Waitress: “You wish to exchange this currant bun?” Diner: “Yes, I want one Of more recent currency.” ,

Golfer: “I’m hitting the ball on the top every time; what would you suggest?” Caddie: “Turn it upside down.”

“Fred said he talked to your brother until he was blue in the face.” “Oh, no; just round one eye.” .

“When Donald proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water.” “Of course. He knew he was caught.”

“To the end the captain played the hero. Hel stood on the bridge until all the crew were safe in the boats,” says a newspaper report. Women love this strong stuff.

A good fishing story from the news columns of a Californian paper: "A fossilised fish, believed to be two million and a half years old, has been brought to life by a . stone cutter.”

He had been knocked down by a motor car, which,' of course, had not troubled to stop. “Did you ge£ his number?” asked the policemans “No,” said the man, “but I’d’recognise. his laugh anywhere.” Wife: How did you come to - get the knees of your trousers sopping wet? , Husband (home from smoke concert) : Some fool left the tap turned on and all the beer ran over . the floor. Even the grave and dignified Civil Service ComhiisjiG'ners could not, resist being anvifseii afan answer./given at a recent examination in London. The question was: ■- “Give, for any one year, the number of bales of .cotton exported from the United States?” v'' The applicant wrote: “1.4Q1: none.” An old lady , taking a walk near-a golf , course with her /'dear little .dog Diddy. From over” the crest of a small hillock came golf ball, which, it had stopped rolling, The clever,-dog seized in , his mouth. Thp jqejct moment a golfer appeared wavih'g his club in (he air and shouting. “Put it down, Diddy,” said the old lady, “put it down, my precious. Here . comes the , kind gentleman; to knock it for you again.” /

1 Little Ikey: Fader, is marriage a failure? Father: Veil, my son, if you are careful to choose a very rich woman, it is sometimes almost as good as a> failure! Lady of the House: So you are the sole survivor of a shipwreck! Tell me how you came to be saved. / Old Salt: Well, you see, lady, I -' missed the boat! . n The modern girl was talking to '” an old-fashioned man. “Next week I’m going to Paris for some clothes,’’she said. “Ah!” he replied in a relieved tone. "I wondered where you'd * left them,"; ’ **■ The doctor found his patient in" / very low spirits. "Cheer up,” he said, ‘‘l’ll sodh'"pull you through.” “It isn’t that,” moaned the ; patient. “I’ve just been reckoning J how much I’ve spent on apples to keep you away!" ■ • **< :.'V “Where does Herbert go every . night?” “Since my ’usband got rheumatism he 'as to go to the 'otel at s 6 o’clock , every . night and release ’is -• ■ Angers from, the ’.andle of 'is beer - mug.” ' The great man was staying at a country hotel, and as he entered the breakfast-room the only visitor pre? . sent rose from his'seat. “Sit down; sit down,” said theV. great one condescendingly. ~> “Why?” said the other. Can’t I , have some marmalade if I like?” He had just been appointed on the.* j “road” staff of a firm of wholesale;', chemists, and this was his first call. It should also be mentioned that he was always . honest and truthful,., . “Have you anything for grey hair?” ,' asked the white-haired chemist! “Nothing but the greatest respect!” replied the-truthful traveller.-. A famous /soldier had acquired a reputation for very slow golf. His fellow-niembers on the course urged a retired banker to take action. He did. “ “Hi!’’General!” - he shouted,;after being k ( ept waiting ten minute?,, ,; on the first green, “Hurry up; yoix rfi aren’t on a battlefield now, you . know.” Search. And Research. A wife is a born explorer; she searches hubby’s pockets, thereby , gaining material for a lecture. Not For Five Years. . ••• '; it ;;Was r durihg the implanelling of ; a . jui*y 'tfcaf,t'.the following .colloquy"' bccurr&H: are a property" holde#?’- “Yes, your Honour.’''' “Married or sifigle?" “I have been married five years, your Honour.” “Have you formed or expressed .an opinion?” “Not for five years,your Honour.” Quick Work.

He had been dining too well, and!? hailing a taxi, crawled gingerly. side, after falteringly giving the,.:? driver his destination. It happened’, that the opposite door had been left unlatched by the previous fare, and? stumbling against it, the inebriated one fell outside again; He picked himself up with difficulty and l ap- ■ proached the "driver. “That’s pretty quick work,” he said. “How much do I owe you?” Still With Us. At last I exploded. “Look here,” I said to my wife. “What’s the game? Have you got a joke on me?,,.,. Is my tie on back to front? Is there a black smudge on my nose? What are you smiling at? You’ve been at it all day. Come on—out with it! Do yoii want any money?” v “No, dear,” she answered sweetly!, “I'm only practising the Duchebh* V smile.” No Collection. ' In a small village a new letter box had been installed, causing.' much comment among the village* children as to whom it belonged. “It must be, the minister’s,”. said one little lad. - “It can’t be,” contradicted .•-an-': other. “Don’t you see what It says;* on it, “No collection on Sundays’ ■ Quite Easy. ■,.•-.'•• During the practical gardening lesson the teacher was instructing -the boys in the art of protecting plants from frost. James was observed to be paying no attention to the master’s remarks, so the teacher asked him: — “Jones, which is the best way to keep the August frosts from plants?” “Plant them in September, sir,’’, was the ready reply. Anything. The immigration official was examining an Englishman on his arrival in New York. “And what do you propose to do now you are in the United States?” he inquired. “Oh, I don’t care,” replied the . Englishman hopefully. “Anything to earn an honest living.” “Well, come along in, then,” said . the official. "I guess there ain’t much competition in your line of business.”

Old Sundries, - Servant: What shall I do with thiS ; old clothing, sir? ~, Philanthropist:. Give it . -to the home missions. . , Servant: And these old books and magazines? : Philanthropist: The Salvation' Army. ' Servant: And shall I throw away! these Old pen nibs? ~ ,‘.V,Vj. Philanthropist: No. Give ’em.to. the post office. ■ No Need For-Thanks.- • , v During the recent strike in England the volunteer driver of the Lon-dpn-Liverpool express performed the; miraculous feat of bringing , .-.this 1 great - train into Liverpool twentyfive minutes ahead of schedule time.The passengers - went forward in a body to thank him.' A pale green face'emerged from the cab. “Donft. thank me,” he gasped; “thank-God; I’ only found out how to’stop- this thing ten minutes'•ago.” ' < That Won’t Wash. People who throw old boots at the bridegroom seem to take it for. granted the bride will give him socks. ; .. ■■■:■ iii