WIT AND HUMOUR

Timaru Herald, Volume 170, Issue 170205, 1 May 1920, Page 6

WIT AND HUMOUR

ELUSIVE. Where is the. profiteer? .Nob here-. I. ve looked, around, He can't be found; That's clear. , lie's always somewhere else It's queer He's over there He's anywhere But here. —Louisville "Courier-Journal." BILL'S MISTAKE. A friend of mine, Bill Snoozy, had. a ' - ha'oit ' .. ... He'd go to sleep 'most any place he'd land, And dream in peace and quiet like a ' rabbit' L - (That is, if rabbits dream, you understand) ! One evening Bill and 'I went to the movies., A travelogue was on—"A Scene in Jap." 'There-* were peacocks, apes, and ■monkeys, Chickens, parrots, cats, and don- ■ keys. Bill looked at them a while, then took a nap! And while he slept, I viewed a two-reel riot, '■■■': ■ A "comedy" that 'filled me full of woe! I envied. Bill his snooze upon: the quiet, And' wished I'd missed that portion , of the show. Then came the five-reel feature, and 1 liked it; A drama of society—"The Cup." Bill woke up and sat a-blinking At the screen. Said he: "I'm tli inking .Those things look better since they dressed 'ein-up!" - ■ ■ —"Film Fun." Prison Visitor (to convict}: Do any of your friends come to see you oil visitors', days? , No. 99: They don't hav g to. All my friends are in here now. Papa: Now, Jack, if you will he a good boy until next Saturday I'll give you a nice stoiv book. Jack.: And how long must I be a, good boy to get a bicycle, papa. ? .■■"Wife: 1 won't stay with you- any longer. 1 am going home to mother. Husband: Here's the fare. Young 'Wife: But that is not enough for the return trip. The Son: Mother, I'm going to have a, little sister some clay, ain't I? The Mother: AYhy, do you wajit one ? The Son: Well, it gets kind of tiresome always teasing the cat. Excited Traveller: Can I catch the four o'clock express P Railway"' Official (calmly): That depends upon how fast you can run. It started thirteen minutes ago. He: So you insist on breaking off the ongagement F She: Most decidedly. "What do you take me for? He: Oh, only about forty. Better think it over; it may be your last chance.

"So your husband has been deceiving you, -eh?" . "Yes, the wretch! I used to give him fourpence for his 'bus fare every day, and I've found out he's been w-alking to- the office and spending th.2 money." v: , . ■

Jones : You know> that 'ouilding lot you sold me ? Estate Agent (turning pale) : Y-y-yes. Jones: Well, 1 can't find it.' Estate A-gant: Oh, is that all? Y"ou scaled me. I thought you had.

"A magazine editormust lead a somewhat gloomy life," declared the poet, as he opened some returned manuscript. ,"\Vliy so?" asked his friend. "All he seems to do is to express his regrets." .

PARLIAMENTARY. A member or JPamamejit' called another an ass in tiie saorod precincts of the House. "Unparliamentary language being i-or bidden, the offending 'had to. apologise- and withciiaw ha-statel ment. He ciicin't like doing it. "I withdraw," he said, very stiffly; "but I maintain that the honourable member is out of order," "How am I out order?" asked the -other man heatedly. "Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," was the retort.

THE DIFFERENCE. An Englishman said two Scotchmen | were sitting jn the smokeroom when j there entered another .Scot. "Ah, ha," said the Englishman ''another Scotch-; man has arrived."^-'lWeel," said another of the Soots, "I don't see what you've got to complain about. - We always treat tli« English; natives well." "What _ worries us," said the Englishman, "is that you don't treat us ofteai enough." Then there fell a silence whic.li led the waiter to turn to and polish his glasses. HER CHOICE. . "If you are not a- better girl," said a mother to her youngest, "you wil!liever go to Heaven." "Well," replied the child, "philosophically, '"you've taken me to the circus, and pa's going to take me to a pantomime; I can't expect to go everywhere, can I?"

GARDEN OF-EDEN. George had only been married to Kathleen a year, and he was anxious to take her. to his allotment garden. On the way George promised that-ho would let her cut > the first fruits. He handed her the scissors, saying, "You cut the asparagus first." • Kathleen's idea of gardening ." was very remote but, not wishing to appear ignorant, she replied:— "Oh, George, how could I when you have.cultivated them? Let me liold : the ladder whilst you oiitt them!"

RECOLLECTIONS. . Little Timothy, who had- been studyjPg history but a short time l , tbought. he would give his grandfather a try-out.-on the subject, so he asked<v "S'ay, grandfather, what great -war broke ont in "1854?" ' Tli© old gentleman laid down his paper and looked thoughtfully at' the boy a moment, and then a sudden light dawned upon him. "Why," he said, "that was th-6 year I married your grandmother." THE GREAT DISAPPOINTAfENT. _ ''Are you well acquainted with Mr Rigby ?" "Quite well. He is employed in the same office a.s myself." "I Ihrnlc lie is such an interesting young man. He is always so melancholy Surely lie must have suffered some great disappointment." "Yes, he lias " "Oh,, liowi lomnntic! 'What, was if?" "Why. lie expected a rise in lii?! ssilarv ( nu the lst -inst., and he didn't get it."