WIT AND HUMOUR

Timaru Herald, Volume CVI, Issue 16233, 31 March 1917, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR

Bank Manager: ".Now please understand, Miss Jones you must make tie books balance." Miss Jones: "Oil, Mr Brown, how fussy you are."

Caller: "That new girl of yoiira seems nice and quiet." Hostess: "Oh, very quiet! she doesn't even disturb the "dust when she's cleaning tha room." ;.

The Host: "I thought of sending some of these cigars out to the front" The Victim: "Good idea! But how can you make certain that the Germans will get theni?"- .^:

Soldier from the trenches (after, haying listened . patiently to some taljj yarns of happenings in the North Se?t): "Now, look 'ere, Sinbad, 'ow, many; times in this war. "'avevou been diwiied outright?"- . V:';'

Mrs O'Brien: "An' I see vez taking in wash in' agin . Mrs d'Sannigan;'' Mrs O'Flannigan: "Sure, 'tis amuse the childer I'm doin' it. Now; their faither's away foightiu' they loQesi the windies covered wi' steam so tha* they can make pictures of th' Kaiser, on thim!"

Little Son of the House: "Where's your aeroplane, Mr Smith I looked "out in- the street and. in our back garden, but I couldn't see one." Visitor: ""Why, I have no aeroplane, my boy. What made you think I had?" "Didn'ti you tell father you'd come here to see him oh a flying visit?"

The very stout'; man stood gazing longingly at the nice things displayed in a haberdasher's window at sale time. A friend stopped to inquire if he was ■thinking of buying shirts or pyjamas. "Gosh, no!" replied the fat man wistfully. "The only thing that fitg mtf ready made is a handkerchief."-

A well r to-do Scottish lady one ;day to said her gardener: "Man. TammaS:-I wonder you don't get married. You/ye a nice house, and all you want'" to complete it is a. wife- You know .'the first gardener that ever lived had a wife." "Quite right, missus, quite right," said Tammas, "but ho didn't keep his job long." ?HS '

"Whoever told you, you could play golf?" sneered the expert. "Who? Me?" asked .the novice. "I'm playing just, as .well as any of the others, aiu I hot?" "Why, man ahve, you took 14 strokes to make the first hole! Is that, what you call good playing?" "Well, I hit the ball every time, dithrt IP".

• Jane had asked for\an evening off to go to her first dance. Returning at an early hour, she was asked if she had enjoyed herself. "No, indeed, I was most I 'adn't been there long -when a young man comes up and hactually hasks whether my programme was full. . And I'd only 'ad two sandwiches." '

; ' THE REASON WHY: l!he day was hot and the sleepy clasa found it difficult to concentrate its attention on its tasks, though the history unstress did her best to make the lesson interesting. ~ "Navy, girls," said she at last, "can why the great man was ; bur ed -in -Westminster Abbey ?" > There was a long silence. At last a ;girl put up her hand. "Because," she answered, solemnly and impressively, Vhe was dead/'

" FROHMAN''S WIT. An excellent, story is told of the late Chai-.es Frohman, the famous theatrical manager, who went down on the Lusitania. He .was dining: with Sir Arthur Pinero in the Carlton gi-illropm one night when a noisy person rushed np° to them, slapped .each, on the shoulder., and said: ''- . ;. "HaUo'a, 'C.FP Halloa 'Pin.!' I'm Hopkins'." Erohmam looked up gravely and said: "Ah, t Mr Hopkins, I can't say that I remember your name or your face, but your manner, is familiar." PROFESSOR BLACKTE'S JOKE. Professor Blackie, who ivasa wellknown figure in Edinburgh street, cc-centri.c-looking, with his hair falling in ringlets .to his shoulders, often told this anecdote against himself. ': i Accosted one day by a filthy little bootblack, he said: "I don't want a shine, my lad, bu# if you'll go and. -wash your face I'll give you sixpence." The lad promptly washed himself at a neighbouring fountain, but, returning, refused the proffered sixpence with a lordly air. "I'll no tak' it from ye," he said; "vou keep it an' get your hair cut!" ' • ■> * - ■ ' ONE-SIDED. J A penitent-looking man was. on ti;ial for vagrancy and disturbance of jthe". peace. The judge seemed inclined xoi; 03 lenient- with him. = "What was the prisoner doing when you arrested -him■?"-' he said to |lho policeman. - . * • '"Heiras having a heated argument with a cabdriver, your honour." - . : "But that doesn't prove that J-.e was the worse for liquor," the judge -sijid. "Many, sober people have argunienta with cab-drivers." _ -:■ So they do your honour," said the policeman, "but in this case there) was no cabdriver-." i WAS HE DOWNHEARTED. : •She meant well, the dear duchess, and as she toured the accident ward' of the big children's hospital she banded out kind words and cUeery philosophy to the sufferers. Most of them responded, but one badly-battered lad of 14 listened in silence without even a smile of acknowledgement. " Come, come," she said, "you mustn't be so miserable, or you'll never get well. Look how bright some of the others are. You must cheer up—cheer up." "No bloomin' fear," came the response. "I'm jolly well done witli cheering up! It's through cheering up that I'm here." "Nonsense, nonsense! A young lad like you mustn't talk in that dismal way. What on earth do you mean by saying that you're here through cheering up?" "Just what I say. I cheered the -wrong football team last Saturday." A FISHY QUESTION! Lord Buxton, the Governor-General of South Africa, is an ardent disciple of Izaak Walton, and he tells many good fishing yarns. One of his favourites is about an angler who one day had four hours tussle with a big salmon befor ehe was able to land it. When at last lie had made sure of has catch he took it in ecstasy and related his triumph to his maiden aunt. Of course, like all fishermen he made as much of the story as possible, and laid special stress on the time and immense energy he had expended before he could bring the salmon safely to land. When lie had finished he waited anxiously for the praise due to his cleverness. For some moments there was 'silence, then his aunt looked up from her knitting with a puzzled expression. "But my dear Tom," she said quietlv, "why did .you not cut the string and got rid of the brute?"