WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume CV, Issue 16087, 7 October 1916, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

.-'' ■ — ~~* '.' WJJY NOT? Why not call a, boot a being, I'or ity surely lias a sole; Or say a belL is clever if it rings he-. cause it's tolled, .Why not say a boy's a mountain if his cap has got a jjeak, Or that some folk's impudence is duo to their great amount of cheek. A potato can be dressed if it has its jacket on, And a cheese be called a giant if particularly strong, A house cannot bo perfect if it should contain a. Haw, : While the sea must feel quite proud' to see a swell upon the shore. Report on trees as wealthy firms i£ they have many branches, ; Or call them books if tiicy have leaves, as very often chances, If a glass has got a brim, .it's a hafi yon must confess ' And an elephant a traveller if a trunk it should possess. You aire surely an inventor if you place trees in your hoots, And a lawyer is a tailor for lie's always making suits, ..' ' " If you door is partly open it's a jar you may depend, And this poem is a. smoked cigar for we've reached the hitter end. —M'K. Southwood in "To-day." THE PACIFIST'S BREVIARY. If a fire breaks out in your houss speak to it gently. The universe is a product of rionresisting forces. Time enough to learn to swimTwhen the boat is going down. If caught in a border raid, pray. In case of war notify the police. All danger, national and individual, is psychological. When in doubt do as the Chinaman does —surrender. Human rights aro conserved T>.y preaching sweetness and light. Hang your latch key on the outer wall, and the cry is "Touch me not!" Force is negative; docility, positive. In time of peace prepare for more peace. ' —Now York "Lifef"'

CUESE ON THE NON-VOTER. The man who does not go and vote, may the foul shades lead off his goat! May some cop slam him on the beau, and throw him into Cell 13, and no one come to take his part, and may he there eat out his heart. Maiy tho laws he won't help to make pound him as a. cook pounds a steak; may taxes eat his substance up; may bitterness lurk in his cup; may his hay-window fade away; may prickly pears he in his hrvy: may dreams arouse him ore the damn; may dornicks he hid in his lawn.; may his wife search his sleepingroom and trade his best shoes for a; broom, and bust the broom across his gourd, and some one sue him for his board; at night may he step on a. tack; may his Palm Beach rip up the back; may his shirts fade, his collar wilt, and pins stick in him to the hilt; and may the druggst where lie buys hot porous plasters for his eyes, instead of the things ho does not state, sell him corrosive sublimate; may there bo water in his gas, and may his money -fail to pass, and may his neighbour cut him dead, and may the hn.ir fall off his.head, and may he stick, this useless man, his fingers in tho 'loctric fan; and may his corns pop .with the heat, and people step upon his feet; and may his wife's folks come to star with him for ever and a day; and may lie, in spite of his wails, have oft to hark to twice-told tales. 'And may be he misfortune's butt, this nervelessj-ielt-disl'ranchised. mutt. He is a blot upon thoV-artb, his presence here is nothing worth; he has no country and no rights; niay he Ho where the bedbug bites: and may foul, fortune ride hi;-; goat; a man who does not-cast his vote. —J. M. Lewis in Houston "Post." ! THE CAR THAT WENT. I Buyer—Xiiat car you sold me is no I good. . t Auto Dealer —Gwan! That oar h;is I more records than you can shake a I stick at. j Buyer—Huh! I drove it over to Swamptown and back, and it broke I down four times. '' Auto Dealer —No wonder! A car that has gone three times around the world naturally would be insulted at being asked to go a measly little seven miles. ■"CHANGE RANKSI" The Australasian tells of a raw recruit who was orderly of the day for the first time. Going into an officer'* tent, without saluting, ho brusquely asked, "Want anythink, sir?" Tho officer pointed out that the orderly was not going about his work in the. right way. "Sit down in this chair," he said. "J'll ha the orderly and you the officer." He stepped outside the tent, and, reappearing at the entrance, saluted, stood at attention and respectfully inquired, "Is there anything T can do, sir?" "Yes," promptly replied the acting officer. "Bring me a bottle of beer, and be quick about it!"

ECONOMY FOR ALL. Tho following household rules are re-commended-by an American paper as likely to be found of the greatest benefit in offsetting tho steady increase in the cost- of living:— Buy all the luxuries first. You must have the necessities. In getting cheques cashed at your brink, always insists on new money. The notes will look so clean, and beautiful that you will hate to part -with them. This will have its psychological effect enabling you to keep them several hours longer than you otherwise would—and time, is money. In paying your bills make out a lis I; of thorn, beginning with the largest amounts. Then pay froin the bottom. Thir; will shorten tho list very much more rapidly than if you begin at tho top.

AT WHICH END? Some yarns are always turning up in now settings. The following is sin example vouched for as of recent occurrence. An uppish Staff: Lieutenant failing to" get what he looked upon as ;i reasonable answer over the 'phone, shouted into the instrument: "Is there an ass at the end of this line?" Polite and sharp came the answer: "Not ;it this end, sir!" "My player piano is out of order. The hollows arc so leaky that it is impossihle to play on it. 1 wonder how T could fix it?" ""Why trifle with your luck?" "Oh, Mr T?eliinson, somebody has stolen your car." "That's ail right, The thief will hi inrr it ba/k when he finds how much petrol it takes to run it." "Yes, mother, T did." "Come here and let me see them. ■■■ "Aw, ma, can'tv you take my wn for it?" "I caslu-d a ehof|Uo. for Smithers 1: week, and it came hack from the ha narked 'No funds.' " "Maylie, that's why he nskod you cash it, instead of the hank." "Von employer is rjuite a, £olf enthusiast." "Is he? "Well, that explains it. I was wondorin.tr where he- pot all ll«i-.f> words he. handed me when I asked him ior a riiu."-